Constant argument

[Jovan]

Hi guys,

Few months ago i had post my problem about my SO. We had a really serious problem now. My friends and some of LDR members advised me to leave her but i didn't because of not ready with the changes.
However things are going more worse than i expect and i'm here again to ask an advice or any personal view.

She has go to China for 2 weeks with a photographer. It's for job purpose. She told me at last minute because she knew that we'll argue again. I mad because of 2 years ago there's a married guy (Her workmate) sent her an email. That guy likes her and she never tell me bout it. These been happened before. She betrayed me and she leaved me. Okay back to the story. She did not tell me what date she will go to China. After knowing that she will go, i make a plan to meet her at the airport since she will be transit there. It's disappoint me when she said that she will only transit at SG airport. I couldn't go there because i haven't renew my passport and it make take sometimes for renewal.
While she's in China, we argued lot times but never take it serious. I always call her during lunch time, chat at Skype, call her after she done the photo shooting while accompany her till she gets Hotel. After that we'll online and sleep together. Well last Friday, we had a fight. I admit that because of my jealousy. I can't control it. I appreciate that she told me the guy is following them for lunch. Yeah.. but still i can't accept it. Honestly, since she betrayed me, It's hard for me to put trust on her. I'm afraid. Yet I have no choice. They asked me to step back if there's no trust but I just can't do it. We were talking on the phone while she's having her lunch. Suddenly she said this to me "Can i eat my lunch now? Or it's forbidden to eat now?. If you want to leave me, just leave me now. I am tired". I said sorry to her. I didn't meant to forbid her but she make it like I'm a bad guy. She always say that to me. She call me annoying her. Lot of times she said, I ruined her day. She hates whenever i ask her a question cos she feel that I accused her with someone. And so i said to her that i will not disturb her and ask her for some time since she has ready to leave. I got my weak point here. I have always say that i will step back, i will not look for her anymore, i will go bla bla but I'm never do it. She knows well that i don't meant it. I hate being myself. She went back very late yesterday (Friday). It's their last day in China. I wait her at Skype. She Skype that they have the photo shooting and will be back to Hotel. Wait her almost 1 Hour. Usually she only took 5 minutes driving from work place to Hotel. So i called her cellphone. She told me that she just arrived at the hotel. They were taking supper before back to Hotel. her voice sound that lazy. She a bit raised her voice when i ask her why late. Then she keep on complaining me that she haven't do packing and she also need to take shower. I understand she feel tired and sleepy. She shouted at me after that she ignored me. She leave me at the phone while i'm still talking.
Next morning, she Skype me. She blamed me cos she haven't pack her luggage. I was just quite. I didn't reply and say any. She send me s cold message. Her flight to SG at 10.20am. I called her while she was at Immigration counter. She seems doesn't wanna talk. I thought that we re gonna have a nice conversation but it's not. She off the call as she already inside the plane. I feel that she's change. Maybe cos of the arguments.
She's now at Singapore. Stay one night before fly back to her country tomorrow night. Earlier i ask to get a number there so that i can reach her but she refused even though i said i'll pay for it since she said it's too expensive. She with the photographer. I don't know exactly what her plan. She just telling me that she was required by her boss to take a photo shooting at their client's showroom. Till now, I'm still waiting her to call me or at least give me news. But i know it won't happen. I' convince my self that she's working and she won't be doing anything even though that's not true. I am giving up and tired with my never ending relations. If i had a choice, i would choose to lost my memory with her. Or if i can do the same what she had done to me, that would be better. I feel so mad, upset, crazy now.
Would appreciate is you could offer me an advice, any ways that i can overcome my feeling right now.

[Zephii]

Mate, you gotta learn - you are her bf not her dad! You need to back the hell off her and give her space and trust. You don't need to know what she is doing and who she is with every moment of the day. I honestly don't know why she is still with you and putting up with your crap, and really it isn't a wonder she didn't want to tell you about the trip if this is the way you treat her.

Yes, she made a mistake and saw someone else for a while. She doesn't tell you every time someone has a little crush on her... But these things are not serious, they are not the major betrayal you are making them out to be.

You are going to drive her away if you don't get your shit together.

Sorry to be so blunt, but i truly feel someone needs to tell you this before you think your mad jealousy and stalker-like affections are acceptable/normal.

[Zapookie]

I have to agree with Zephii. This would be too much for most people to handle. You come across as seriously controlling/insecure and sorry if this is harsh, but it isn't attractive in any way. It's a huge turn off.

Stop calling her! Let her call you when she's ready. She was on a business trip and you expect her to call you every free second she gets? You should understand that she also needs time for herself to unwind and chill out. You even called her when she is at the immigration counter to have a nice long chat? She's supposed to be boarding a plane, man. I can see why she was upset with you. I would have been too!

I think you need to take a step back and breathe for a second. Your relationship with her isn't going to improve if you keep up this behaviour. You need to relax. Instead of calling her and demanding to know who she is with and what she is doing, why don't you ask her to text you and have her let you know herself? If she doesn't text you, then you know that she is busy and maybe didn't have the time. If she doesn't text you, don't blow up her phone with calls. Let her come to you for a little bit. Give her space to breathe as well.

[Softy]

I talk from experience, if you are too jealous you will lose her.

I know that sometimes it's hard to let go and trust the other if you had bad experiences in the past, but you MUST do it.
Because communication and trust are the keys to a successful relationship (regardless of LDR or not).
You must trust your partner, learn to let go. You will also feel better and sort of a peace of mind when you do.

[Jovan]

Mate, you gotta learn - you are her bf not her dad! You need to back the hell off her and give her space and trust. You don't need to know what she is doing and who she is with every moment of the day. I honestly don't know why she is still with you and putting up with your crap, and really it isn't a wonder she didn't want to tell you about the trip if this is the way you treat her.

Yes, she made a mistake and saw someone else for a while. She doesn't tell you every time someone has a little crush on her... But these things are not serious, they are not the major betrayal you are making them out to be.

You are going to drive her away if you don't get your shit together.

Sorry to be so blunt, but i truly feel someone needs to tell you this before you think your mad jealousy and stalker-like affections are acceptable/normal.

Thanks for being honest. I know it's a mistake and i shouldn't treat her that way. I just afraid my past with her would happen again. In fact now, i'm working on my jealousy and also give her space.

[Moon]

To be honest, I don't see how this relationship will ever work out in the long run. Your girlfriend seems (from your posts) to be the independent type, while you seem like the needy type. The very, very needy type. Those two personality traits simply don't go together, they're incompatible. I mean, jeez man, leave her alone! She's busy with work, and trying to get back and forth, and you're calling her every 5 minutes, no wonder she's not happy to hear from you, you won't even let her eat in peace. You need to find some girl just as co-dependent as you are and who wants you bothering her constantly, not someone who has their own life to live and things to get done. Do you see what I'm saying here? She's always going to have other things she needs to do, and you're always going to need to keep track of everything, and be in constant contact. That's just not going to work. Plus, you've lost the trust in the relationship and without trust, there's not really a relationship anymore.

I know you think you love her, but I think you'll be doing you both a favor by letting this go, and allowing both of you to find partners you're more compatible and comfortable with. Maybe for you, it would be better to find a local girl, who isn't in such a busy career and has the time to give you the attention you need. You can't change a person's nature, instead you have to look for someone who's nature is more in line with your own. Good luck.

[Haley53]

I agree with Moon, really, although I would argue that while you might have a tendency to be more co-dependent than, say, your partner, your behaviour is still extremely unhealthy, if for no other reason than because it's distressing to both individuals in normal life situations, and probably would be with someone equally as needy. Life still happens between two needy people, and nothing to this extent, where there is absolutely no off-switch or idea of what is appropriate and what isn't, is healthy, and I would honestly consider seeing a therapist for your co-dependency; it's almost at a point where you are, and it is at a point where your relationship is, dysfunctional. A part of that is down to the fact you're dependent and she's independent. The other part of it is down to the fact that you are absolutely and obsessively suffocating.

In the last thread, I believe I explained why she was treating you wrongly and if I didn't, certainly someone else did. She was the SO who blatantly told you to kill yourself, correct? Her behaviour was extremely emotionally manipulative and troublesome, but with this information, I can honestly see where you both play a part. You both add that incredibly toxic component to your relationship, and you're both in too deep to see it. No one should tell their partner to off themselves, and no one should be made to feel like they have to. No one should say some of the things she has, yet no one should do some of the things you're doing. I imagine that your girlfriend likely feels very, very trapped, very oppressed, and it's pushing her even farther away. The issue with people who lean more towards the dependent side is that they often cling to get their point across. They don't always realise that clinging to something, especially someone who's more independent, is the fastest way to lose it. This may be a silly example, but think of it like a bar of soap. When you use soap in the shower, you don't grab the bar with gusto and dig your nails into it and damage the soap bar to keep it in your grasp, and you don't hold it tightly because the tighter you hold it, the more likely it is to slip out of your hands. Same with people.

The issue here is I don't see what she's done wrong? So she saw someone else. Yes, it hurts, but at the bloody least, she had the balls to break up with you before she did it. There are people who have cheated on their SOs or who have been cheated on, not once but several times. She could have done that, instead of breaking up with you because she felt like she was done. With your obsessively needy behaviour, I can't blame her. As someone who's somewhat independent, but not emphatically, needy behaviour drives me mental and actually pushes me away faster than does most forms of abuse. :/ So she saw someone else, realised she didn't care for them like she thought she might, wanted a relationship with you. I don't really see the issue here. While it's painful, she did it more respectably than a lot of people. Secondly, why should she have to report every single person who likes her... ? My SO and I used to giggle over the comments of the opposite sex but lately he hasn't found the humour in it. He wishes some men would keep their comments to themselves and so we don't talk about it anymore. There's really no need if it makes anyone feel unnecessarily. I don't feel like I'm lacking anything by not sharing the experience and he doesn't have to feel negatively. Why can't you do the same? The thing is that it's not like she tells you and you're hunky dory with it. She tells you and you freak. There's no incentive to tell you, and it's wrong to encourage her when all you're going to do is get angry and insecure at something she can't help.

The other issue here is you're not letting anything go. You're not looking to improve your relationship. By not wanting any changes, you're not only being so afraid to let go of something that's destroying you both, and that's not even a relationship anymore, but you're afraid to make any changes that would be for the better. Holding on to what she did x-amount of time ago when you weren't even together... You can't hold that and use that against her now or to justify your behaviour. She didn't "betray" you, as far as I'm concerned. She wanted to get away from you, she tried it out, she found her way back, and it all sounds fairly normal to me in abusive relationships. On top of that, I would guess you're both young-ish, so there's exploration somewhere in there as well. And as for not telling you someone had written to her saying he liked her? Sounds like she handled it and felt no need to tell you. As opposed to looking at how she "betrayed" you, look at why she felt the need to keep it from you to begin with. You're holding things against her that, frankly, shouldn't count, and you can't blame her for.

In addition, you're not giving her any freedom, but this the others have covered.

All I can say is that this relationship will not get better. It hasn't so far, and it won't. It will continue to get worse. If you want to hold onto it until it crashes and burns, then we can't stop you, but I feel like you're looking for us to save something that's beyond salvageable. You're both abusing the other. You're both doing it because you're both unhappy. You have issues that are conflicting with her personality on top of your personality conflicting with her personality. I don't mean to be too blunt by saying that this isn't going to work.

[Jovan]

[QUOTE=Moon;207914]To be honest, I don't see how this relationship will ever work out in the long run. Your girlfriend seems (from your posts) to be the independent type, while you seem like the needy type. The very, very needy type. Those two personality traits simply don't go together, they're incompatible. I mean, jeez man, leave her alone! She's busy with work, and trying to get back and forth, and you're calling her every 5 minutes, no wonder she's not happy to hear from you, you won't even let her eat in peace. You need to find some girl just as co-dependent as you are and who wants you bothering her constantly, not someone who has their own life to live and things to get done. Do you see what I'm saying here? She's always going to have other things she needs to do, and you're always going to need to keep track of everything, and be in constant contact. That's just not going to work. Plus, you've lost the trust in the relationship and without trust, there's not really a relationship anymore.

Understand with what you mean here. Actually, that's what we are doing all this while. We'll checking each other and telling each other where we are going to, with who, when and etc. In fact she started it. Before i'm not the type of person who likes to tell/inform wherever i go or doing but she urge me to do so.

[DemonxOisin]

I donīt have much input, just to agree with all the other posts. Jealousy is never attractive, especially for a particularly independent woman.
However, I did want to say thank you for taking what everyone has said as well as you did. Itīs not easy to take criticism like that, and learn from your mistakes, rather than just complaining that we are all mean. Everyone screws up sometimes, and it takes a strong person to be willing to change yourself when you realize you have. You sir, have my respect for this.

[Jovan]

The issue here is I don't see what she's done wrong? So she saw someone else. Yes, it hurts, but at the bloody least, she had the balls to break up with you before she did it. There are people who have cheated on their SOs or who have been cheated on, not once but several times. She could have done that, instead of breaking up with you because she felt like she was done. With your obsessively needy behaviour, I can't blame her. As someone who's somewhat independent, but not emphatically, needy behaviour drives me mental and actually pushes me away faster than does most forms of abuse. :/ So she saw someone else, realised she didn't care for them like she thought she might, wanted a relationship with you. I don't really see the issue here. While it's painful, she did it more respectably than a lot of people. Secondly, why should she have to report every single person who likes her... ? My SO and I used to giggle over the comments of the opposite sex but lately he hasn't found the humour in it. He wishes some men would keep their comments to themselves and so we don't talk about it anymore. There's really no need if it makes anyone feel unnecessarily. I don't feel like I'm lacking anything by not sharing the experience and he doesn't have to feel negatively. Why can't you do the same? The thing is that it's not like she tells you and you're hunky dory with it. She tells you and you freak. There's no incentive to tell you, and it's wrong to encourage her when all you're going to do is get angry and insecure at something she can't help.

Right, she don't have to report and I shouldn't be asking her neither. i didn't mentioned here that she's checking my email. And we re argued because of me receiving lots email from girl. While I don't reply them and I never go out with a girl alone. I'm not saying that I am a good person but if she knows then she will assumed that we already break up. When i go calls while we re online call during our office hours, she will get mad if I didn't tell her who's calling and she wants to know the name. If I wanna go out to do my office stuff at outside, I must tell her with complete info. With who, till when and for what purpose. Do you see my point here? Why I did the same to her? Obviously yes we re not trust each other because of our past. In my previous post, she went out with a guy while we re in relations and she lied to me that she went out with mother while I'm waiting her to online. Well I don't blamed her all because i did mistakes too. I know if keep on pushing her, I only will make her far from me. Yes she has her own thing to do and she wants space and so do I. If i did the same like what she did now, didn't give me any news I'm sure she will be mad, yelling at me because it's happened before.
I realized that our relations is unhealthy. Thus I'm here for an advice. I need to change and I don't want to be a needy person. Because what I see myself now is I am too rely on her.

---------- Post added at 11:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:57 PM ----------

I donīt have much input, just to agree with all the other posts. Jealousy is never attractive, especially for a particularly independent woman.
However, I did want to say thank you for taking what everyone has said as well as you did. Itīs not easy to take criticism like that, and learn from your mistakes, rather than just complaining that we are all mean. Everyone screws up sometimes, and it takes a strong person to be willing to change yourself when you realize you have. You sir, have my respect for this.

That's why I am here. All the criticism has awake me. Because what I'm doing right now is wrong. How the way I treated her. As time goes, I hope I'll change.

[Jovan]

Thanks for all your replies.

Again, now I'm seeking for an advice.

What would you do, if you were in my situation?

Give her space? by not looking for her for while?

Keep distance?

Stop reporting to her like what we used too?

[Jazi]

Thanks for all your replies.

Again, now I'm seeking for an advice.

What would you do, if you were in my situation?

Give her space? by not looking for her for while?

Keep distance?

Stop reporting to her like what we used too?

you really need to stop over thinking it, even by asking these questions/wanting an answer you are being over-bearing in your thoughts and you will be unnaturally changing/forcing your behavior if you purposefully do/don't do these things. You need to get involved more in YOUR OWN life, create some hobbies and interest that don't involve your SO. It is extremely important to have your own things/activities as an individual.. I think this is the only way you will take away your negative obsession with her and start to create a healthy balance between your life and your relationship.

She obviously values her independence and at the end of the day you need to start enjoying your own independence and interests too, otherwise she will feel smothered and it will get to a point where she can't take anymore.