Are My Feelings Justifiable?

[lonelyinlove]

I don't even know the answer to this question...

So I just got off the phone with my SO and he told me he had to fill our beneficiary papers for his new job.

He then tells me that he was about to put me as his benefactor, but he didn't want to get in trouble, I guess particularly with his mother (mama's boy). I tell him how would he get in trouble when the only way she would find out is if he dies!

But anyway, not the point. So he goes on to list the people he listed and the order:

1. His brother -I'm fine with that. They're super close.
2. His mother- I'm fine with that, it IS his mother
3. His sister -That's cool
4. His dad - still fine
5. His cousin - kinda iffy on that
6. HE DOESN'T REMEMBER! which I think he's lying.

I didn't even make the list. We've been together 4 years. We're planning on closing the distance and getting engaged soon & I didn't even make the list!

It's not even about the money bc I honestly can give a damn about it, but it's more the principle of the matter. Him listing me as one of his benefactors to me is basically saying, we're going to be together forever so im thinking of the future- God forbid.

It may seem kinda silly....it does to me a little, but it stll kinda bothered me

&& it's not something I want to talk to him about bc its a unnecessary arguement.
But what do yall think? Are my feelings justifiable?

[snow_girl]

You aren't married, he has no obligation to put you on the list. When my SO just started a new job he had to do the same thing. I joked he should put me but he doesn't owe it to me and put his mom down. What if you break up in a year and he has you as a benefactor and he dies a year after that? Parents are usually the best choice when filling those out unless you are married then it is slightly different. Honestly I think your feelings are not really justifiable, it isn't your choice and family comes first no matter how long you've been dating. I don't think 'getting engaged soon' is reason enough to put you down, lots of things can change and once he's gone that list is final.

[Anna N' Luc]

I agree with snow_girl. My ex wanted to put me down as his beneficiary and I told him not too. Now we are no longer together and I think we are both glad that he didn't put me down. Husband and Wife is a different story, a spouse probably should be the beneficiary if not just for the reason that debt is accrued etc but boyfriend and girlfriend, I think probably not.

[ChibiFelicia]

I'd have to agree with snow_girl. She's basically said what i wanted to say. Although you listing whether you're ok about who he put on his list..i dont really think you have the right to do that. Just my opinion but yeah you aint married

[Moon]

Sorry, but until you're at least in a domestic partner relationship, beneficiaries are family members. While I'm sure there are exceptions out there, I'd never add someone who wasn't blood or a spouse. I know these things sting a little, but it's pretty standard. Almost engaged isn't married, anything could happen, also his mother is probably his legal "next-of-kin" and is responsible for his final expenses; burial, debt, etc. That's what that money is for really, and it needs to go the the person who's gotta pay everything off. When you're married, legally that'll be you, and then you're entitled to it.

[Haley53]

You aren't married, he has no obligation to put you on the list. When my SO just started a new job he had to do the same thing. I joked he should put me but he doesn't owe it to me and put his mom down. What if you break up in a year and he has you as a benefactor and he dies a year after that? Parents are usually the best choice when filling those out unless you are married then it is slightly different. Honestly I think your feelings are not really justifiable, it isn't your choice and family comes first no matter how long you've been dating. I don't think 'getting engaged soon' is reason enough to put you down, lots of things can change and once he's gone that list is final.

I agree with this.

I've been saying this a lot lately (to several people), but I'm going to say it again. You're taking an impersonal situation extremely personally, and it's going to create tension where it's not needed, frankly. He put the others as his beneficiaries because they're practical. He can't remember the 6th; maybe he did genuinely forget. You're drawing a conclusion that is extremely unfair on your partner. Making the safe decision does not reflect on one's relationship, and it's ridiculous to think that not listing you as a beneficiary or means he's not serious, same as it's silly to expect that he believes you'll be together forever but only if he chose to list you as a benefactor. You're looking at this as a symbol of commitment, whereas he's looking at this from a smart and practical perspective. The way that he's looking at it is, in effect, what it is, so no, I don't feel your feelings are justified. :/

ETA: I also agree with Moon.

[GrandSupreme]

I agree completely with the others, family should be listed unless you two are married. I understand your point that it would have been nice for him to do it to show that level of commitment, but he is not obliged to in any way. Anyway, your future marriage is enough to confirm that your SO is planning to be with you forever

[Softy]

The last one I have made, was all to my little brother.
I love my bf, but we haven't been together long enough for me to put him on such list.
Doesn't mean I don't love him, means only that for now in my life I'd prefer things to go to my little brother.
If you ask me again in like 10 years, probably my bf who would be my hubby would then be on the list.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

A list of beneficiaries isn't a list of "My favorite people in the whole wide world." It's more of a legal thing than a personal thing, so don't be upset by it. Thing is, you aren't kin yet. If you two marry, it would be different, but legally and practically, those people do deserve to be on the list ahead of you.

[Dauntedpoet]

A list of beneficiaries isn't a list of "My favorite people in the whole wide world." It's more of a legal thing than a personal thing, so don't be upset by it. Thing is, you aren't kin yet. If you two marry, it would be different, but legally and practically, those people do deserve to be on the list ahead of you.

THIS is exactly what I was typing

And a confession, I'm sure it would sting if it happened to me, but it would be because It COULDN'T be me yet.. not because he didn't list me. I think maybe what you're feeling is the frustration .

Hugs.

[lucybelle]

I understand why you feel upset, but I agree with everyone above. I'd never list someone not directly related to me as a beneficiary. I'd be a little hurt in your position, but you need to understand that what he did was completely acceptable.

[garnet]

Eh. I'd never list "family." Exception, my mother. I don't trust the rest of them, so I've always put down boyfriends, or my very short list of friends I know will be there for life and I trust.

I think I'd be upset that a cousin and a somebody were listed, and I wasn't. They have made life plans, and I assume she would use the money to give him the burial/whatever he wants.

My ex husband still lists me, even though he has parents, siblings, and a slutty baby mama. I am the only one he trusts to do the right thing with it, and he's right. (We were married 11 years, I know.)

So I think it's situational.

[Zephii]

I'd be upset, and I think it makes sense you are too. However, you're not even living together or engaged, so it makes sense for him to hold off on that. Don't let it get you down, instead tell him you look forward to the day you'll be on each other's important lists/ be next of kin etc.

[Ianthe]

I can totally understand being upset. However, let me add a different perspective:

I work for a bank, have for many years. Several times a year, we have to deal with the death of customers...and the family destruction that goes along with it. People are AWFUL and ABSOLUTELY INSANE when death and money are concerned. If, God forbid, the worst happens, can you even imagine what you'd have to deal with from his family, in addition to trying to grieve your loss? Whether this was his thought or not, he really really really did you a kindness. Until you're married, not only do you not really have a right to his insurance, etc., you really don't want it. Please trust me. I've been with my guy for over four years, friends for much longer, and I would be FURIOUS if he named me a beneficiary on any of his assets.

I would suggest you figure out what is really bothering you about this. Do you feel like you have to compete with his family often? Maybe you need to address that, instead of this specific situation.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I understand your pain when u figured that you didnt make the list. It is normal to feel a bit hurt when that thought crosses ur mind. But if this guy is planning on getting engaged to you soon, he definetely trusts you and loves you, and its unfair of you you to judge his commitment level to you just by the fact that he did not consider adding your name to the list. he surely is thinking this matter in a practical way and probably did not want to burden you with telling you about all the names and details he added in to the list. And that could be the reason he even brushed it off whn u wanted to know the 6 th person he added to the list.
While us women want to know every little detail in things, men normally do the most practical thing according to the moment, and they really forget all about it, and I m sure that was the case in your situstion. He did tell u the most important details about the people he added, and what he left out is surely because he didnt think it s that important.
this is a time where you should not judge your man just by his actions.

I think you should not worry about this issue. He surely did what he thought was practical at the situation.
On a side note, do you feel his actions on this sitiation put u on a spot where u felt you had to compete with his family? maybe that thought made u more upset and worried than u think about u not making the list? Thats just my opinion

Dont worry, give ur self sometime to feel better tc good luck