Closed-minded SO

[AEAS]

My SO and I have been having some problems lately, and they're all my fault.

My SO is what you'd call closed minded, or even controlling. For starters, this past weekend I went to my first ever concert. It was a free, small outdoor thing at a park near my house. I didn't think it'd be a problem if I went, so I forgot to tell him about it until the morning before. However, when I told him he got extremely upset and we had a "fight" (Basically him being mad at me while I apologize madly) that lasted a few days. Then today, my birthday, I decided to wear a new pair of shorts I got as a birthday present. They're plain black and go about halfway to my knee. I'm extremely uncomfortable with showing more skin than just my arms, so I wore tights under them. After walking around in them for a few minutes, I realized I don't really like the feeling of shorts and covered my legs with my backpack and a huge bag my friends gave me presents in for the rest of the day. After school my SO and I webchatted for a few seconds to say hi, and he saw my shorts. Then, he stopped talking to me. A while later I was at my grandma's house for dinner and he messaged me on facebook complaining that I was showing too much skin, he hated the way I was dressed, and that he's thinking of breaking up with me.

Yes this is really, really extreme. But honestly, he does this a LOT. I'm not looking for advice on how to dump him, because I truly love him and I understand (sort of) why he got mad. I just wish he'd consider my feelings for one. He's always asking me to think about how HE feels, so I end up making hundreds of promises, compromising friendships, not going to my friend's birthday parties, ect. ect. Most of the time I don't mind because I understand that he'd do the same for me if I ever felt that way, though I never do so that's never really been an issue.

Basicly, I'm asking for advice on how to make him consider my feelings and not just turn to breaking up with me when he's tired of fighting. I threw away the shorts and i'm not going to any more concerts and I don't care about making sacrifices for him, I just want him to understand he needs to do things too, and not just expect me to fix everything.

Thanks in advance u.u

[Haley53]

It's hard to advise you on this one when your SO is being rather abusively controlling... I'm not sure how much you can ask from someone who expects you to throw away bloody shorts (and long ones, at that) or he'd break up with you, despite you wearing tights underneath them, or with someone who expects you to sacrifice things like going to a fun and low-key concert. That's not closed-minded. That's controlling and could potentially eventually develop into more, whether or not that's what you want to hear. I say this only because that's how it started with my mother, and yet he eventually controlled her into complete isolation and both she and our family suffered due to his behaviour. My best advice would be you could talk to him, but I assume you've done that, and that would involve him holding some respect for you as a person and as his partner, when he's quite frankly treating you like a thing. I'm not going to say "dump him" because you've made it pretty clear that you aren't, but I will say that from my mother's experience and from my own experience in the past, this type of behaviour is a red flag and does not stop; even if it stops temporarily after an ultimatum or a talk, it comes back three times as worse and only gets worse with time.

[Moon]

I won't ask you to break up with him, only because you asked, but I do want you to consider very carefully if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Getting angry over shorts, or a free concert in the park is on the extreme end of controlling behavior and isn't going to be cured by a conversation. Just really think about it please, that's all I can advise.

[Soyokaze]

I'm not one to say this normally and I can tell that you don't want to break up with him but he's not closed minded. Sure, you think he would do the same for you but just look at how he overreacted to a small concert. It's not healthy and I think Eclair and Moon are right, he's controlling you and you've let him. Please think about if you can keep this up because you can tell him how you feel all you want but I doubt it will get better.

[Zephii]

Wow, if this is how he treats you, imagine in 20 years how he's going to treat your children. >.>

This isn't ok. We're not in the 1800s anymore and he can't expect you to step back in time with him. It's hard to advise you at all on this one because I flat out would not put up with that sort of shit from my SO and it makes me cry inside to see so many lovely girls and women dating absolute douche canoes because they think that's what love is. I'm pretty sure if your family and friends knew he was like this they would be saying much the same thing.

This isn't what love is, I assure you. Love sets you free rather than binding you up. Love helps you be the best you can be, love wants you to live well and enjoy yourself. Love speaks to you like an equal, it doesn't threaten to leave you if you do not obey.

I guess the best I have to offer is:
1) Tell him he's you bf not your dad and remind him that he does not own you.
2) Stop letting him treat you like shit.
3) Remind him in plain words that you have feelings and opinions that are seperate to his and that he needs to compromise like an adult rather than making demands like a child.
4) Tell him you can replace him if he can't be the man you deserve.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope that you realise you're better than this soon

[Yaaamiii]

I could be jumping to conclusions, and this probably isn't what you want to hear, but it kinda sounds like you're calling him "close-minded" as a means of protecting him. Forgive me if I'm wrong. Another thing, the person who loves you would never ask you to give up something or not do something you enjoy. He seems controlling, as the above posters have mentioned. As Eclair mentioned, it will only get worse, though you probably don't want to believe that. I agree with Moon, you should probably seriously consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life like this. You can try talking to him, but if he does it as often as you say he does, it isn't just going to "go away." Really consider what you're doing. You've been with him for 2 years so it may be difficult to do so but I advise you do it anyway . Sorry if any of this came off as rude or if it seemed like I said something I shouldn't have. You probably won't get the responses you're looking for though .

[CynicalQuixotic]

You absolutely need to dump him. He is controlling and abusive. Sane men do not get mad at their girlfriends for going to concerts and wearing shorts of any length. You deserve more than this and do not need to put up with it.

[Katelyn313]

I agree with the above posters. Since you don't want to break up with him, at least consider your relationship, like Moon said. I was in a similar situation before where my SO at the time would get mad over seemingly nothing. It was so stressful and it wore me out trying to constantly make sure he was okay and happy. No one will think about you and your well being but you. You have to be your biggest ally and your biggest protector. In my experience, it did not get any better, which is why I'm no longer in that relationship. Your SO is being mentally abusive, like mine was. It is not okay and it is not your fault. Please know you deserve better.

If you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to chat.

[kirbycat]

Wow, if this is how he treats you, imagine in 20 years how he's going to treat your children. >.>

This isn't ok. We're not in the 1800s anymore and he can't expect you to step back in time with him. It's hard to advise you at all on this one because I flat out would not put up with that sort of shit from my SO and it makes me cry inside to see so many lovely girls and women dating absolute douche canoes because they think that's what love is. I'm pretty sure if your family and friends knew he was like this they would be saying much the same thing.

This isn't what love is, I assure you. Love sets you free rather than binding you up. Love helps you be the best you can be, love wants you to live well and enjoy yourself. Love speaks to you like an equal, it doesn't threaten to leave you if you do not obey.

1) ^ This x1000.
2) "douche canoe" may be the best thing I've heard all day.

But in all seriousness: Making sacrifices is a part of love, yes. Sacrificing who you are as a person is not.

Sure we all have faults. You have faults. But those faults do not include enjoying some live music or wearing shorts on a warm day. These things are not hurting him or your relationship. Spending time with your friends is not hurting him or your relationship.

You're a wonderful person worthy of love exactly as you are, shorts and all. Have enough respect for yourself to know that, and then demand that same respect from him. If he's not willing to give you that, he's not helping to make you the best you can be. Why would you want to stick around with that?

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Just adding another voice in here to urge you to reconsider this relationship, at least on the terms that it is right now. It's not okay for him to be controlling. No other person can dictate how you dress, where you go, who you hang out with, especially when there's nothing wrong with them in the first place. If you insist upon staying with him (it's not what I would do, and it's probably a bad decision, but you've chosen to take that off the table), then you need to assert yourself. Tell him that while you understand where he is coming from, you will not change your behavior because you don't see it as being detrimental. He isn't the one who makes decisions for you. And if he talks about breaking up with you over a pair of SHORTS, that's being manipulative. You don't want to approach it as asking him to consider your feelings in his decisions. No! You can possibly consider his feelings in your decisions. He's under no obligation to make these sorts of sacrifices, but neither are you. You don't have to stop going to concerts if you don't want to. You don't have to stop wearing shorts if you don't want to. Compromise isn't "okay sweetie I'll do exactly as you want and put my feelings aside, 100% of the time." For your relationship to be happy for you, you have to be able to assert yourself.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Just adding another voice in here to urge you to reconsider this relationship, at least on the terms that it is right now. It's not okay for him to be controlling. No other person can dictate how you dress, where you go, who you hang out with, especially when there's nothing wrong with them in the first place. If you insist upon staying with him (it's not what I would do, and it's probably a bad decision, but you've chosen to take that off the table), then you need to assert yourself. Tell him that while you understand where he is coming from, you will not change your behavior because you don't see it as being detrimental. He isn't the one who makes decisions for you. And if he talks about breaking up with you over a pair of SHORTS, that's being manipulative. You don't want to approach it as asking him to consider your feelings in his decisions. No! You can possibly consider his feelings in your decisions. He's under no obligation to make these sorts of sacrifices, but neither are you. You don't have to stop going to concerts if you don't want to. You don't have to stop wearing shorts if you don't want to. Compromise isn't "okay sweetie I'll do exactly as you want and put my feelings aside, 100% of the time." For your relationship to be happy for you, you have to be able to assert yourself.

The only problem with this is the kind of people who give their SOs the silent treatment for wearing shorts are not the kind of people that usually respond to reason or care overmuch about their partner's feelings or well-being.

[Sora1101]

I honestly think you're in an abusive relationship, people that love you don't try to control you. That's all I have to say and if you don't believe me I pulled this information on abusive relationships and just from what you've posted it covers quite a few of these and for all I know there might be more, so please please think about this carefully.

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:
-Is jealous or possessive toward you.
-Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.
-Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.
-Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.
-Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
-Abuses drugs or alcohol.
-Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)
-Blames you when he or she mistreats you.
-Has a history of bad relationships.
-Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.
-You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.
-Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.
-Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.
-Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.
- Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.
-You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.
-You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

The only problem with this is the kind of people who give their SOs the silent treatment for wearing shorts are not the kind of people that usually respond to reason or care overmuch about their partner's feelings or well-being.

I know. Never said he had to like it. All she has to do is say "This is what I am going to do and why" and then do it. His support is optional.

[Darth_Taco]

I wish I could facepalm as hard as I want to, but I can't because I would be left with permanent brain damage and my hand would snap clean off. No, just no! He's alienating you from friends, keeping you from normal activities, not letting you wear what you want to (or don't want to) wear, not letting you explain yourself, threatening you with break-ups, making you feel like the bad guy, and probably some other shit you haven't mentioned. It doesn't matter if he would do it for you too. If he cut off his penis for you, would you cut your breasts off? Hell no, because that's really fucking stupid. So yeah, maybe take a day off from talking to him and really evaluate this relationship. Hint: If he won't let you take a single day off, it's a bad sign.

[Madge]

This sounds very similar to my first relationship I had. Please. Don't be with someone like this. For the sake of your own wellbeing it is not healthy to be in this type of relationship.