Do you say "I love you" when you argue?

[CandiCandi]

Something I have noticed with me and my fiancé is that when we do get into any argument or any disagreement, it is usually very rational. It's obvious that one or the other is upset, but there is no name calling, there is no throwing things, there is none of it. I have been in previous relationships where arguments did basically turn ugly. There was no "I love you" sprinkled about the argument. I grew up with my grandparents who basically called each other every ugly name in the book. My fiancé tells me stories about his brother and his brother's girlfriend (throwing things, slamming things, one refusing to tell the other what's bothering them) and it just makes me realize, even though I hate arguing, I hate conflict, but that when me and my fiancé do it, we do it well and I like the fact, that I can't recall a single argument/disagreement we've gotten into that wasn't me or him saying "I love you" in the middle of it. It's like where the name calling once was, a reassuring "I'm not going anywhere, just because we're having this problem" in the middle.

[ChibiFelicia]

the words "i love you" hardly ever pass our lips so no we dont - for us those 3 words only ever comes out when our "emotional jar" is bursting. We say 'i like you' but not ever in a disagreement/argument. We never name call or shout or anything. I sometimes cry (which is awful - i dont do it as a guilt trip) w eget our point across and we disagree. We try to get to the root of the problems and if either of our emotions are running high we walk away cool down and talk again. But yes we leave the reassurance stuff out of our arguements, i haven't ever really thought about why but i guess its cause we dont find it appropiate for us.

I have been in relationships where the arguments are full blown ones, much like the one you talked about regarding your fiances brother and his gf. I hated the arguments etc, reason why those are past relationships.

[sewbama]

It sounds like you guys are just like me and my SO. We never fight like the media portrays fighting. We talk about what is bothering us, we usually lay down and cuddle. I've never said anything nasty to him like calling him a name. And he's never said anything of the sort. We talk about what bothers us in a calm and rational way. And it's always a conversation, not an attack.

What I like is that we talk about it. In previous relationships it'd either be a bad fight or I'd never say anything just to avoid the fight -- not healthy! So talking calmly is definitely a step up.

[Zephii]

We will say "I love you" during a disagreement... even if it's "I love you but you're being a dick" haha.

Because of the type of uh... socialization (I don't want to call it abuse) I had growing up, I can't argue with someone I love and not touch them. I need to be cuddled and told I'm loved even when we're disagreeing, and that's very difficult for Obi, because when there's friction, he's used to drawing back and giving space.

Very rarely there's shouting. I think we've raised our voices maybe three times? And we don't throw things, slam things or act childish. We also notice how the couples around us deal with their disagreements and feel lucky that we have such a strong base of communication. I do call him names though, and he very calmly tells me not to, bless his soul.

The thing I like most when we argue though is that fact that no matter what gets said or how long it takes us to come to an outcome there's never the risk that he will leave me for something I say. I never have the fear that if I don't hold back I'll be alone. It's lovely to have that security.

[temporaryuser]

both of us have had bad relationships in the past. when we got together, it was uderstood that communication was very important. We do have disagreements, but we dont "fight". And his number one rule is that even if we are fighting, that we dont go to sleep without telling the other we love them (and meaning it). if it gets past that pointm, we no longer need to be together.

[Haley53]

We don't, actually. We typically say "I love you" after though, once everything's been sorted.

I'm not sure why we don't. It's simply never a thing that's worked for us, but it also depends on the type of argument. For example, sometimes we're having a disagreement and the tension is rising and one of us makes the decision that we both need to walk away and breathe for a while before approaching the issue again. Generally, when we come back after, we're in much calmer of a place and able to talk it out more rationally, if that's not something we were able to do initially (on average, we are).

When it comes to being in person, we tend to spend our evenings doing our own thing for one or two hours? So we don't often have arguments. When things do get misinterpreted, oftentimes it can be solved with either space (I tend to demand more space than he does) or being snuggled up together talking it out. When he was here this past time, I was having a really, really moody day and I went to go huggle him after kickboxing, and he hates being touched when sweaty and ick so he told me not to touch him when I went to touch his hair. He later said he'd meant more that he didn't want me touching his sweaty hair/head/face, but it hit like a rejection and I was upset. I tried playing it cool until we got back into the car and then I explained my hurt to him and he held me and comforted me. When it's something like that, I like to be cuddled and reassured I'm loved. If the feelings are more anger, then I know I personally need some time to cool down before approaching a situation.

ETA: However, if we go to bed if something has not been resolved, we do tell one another we're loved in that case.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Same as Eclaire, although we may say it after, we don't say it during.

It might sound overly picky, but my SO absolutely destest using emotional stuff in arguments. And I mostly agree with him. It can make things messy, and be used as swaying power, and neither of us want our emotions to be...well...taken advantage of, in a way. Arguments might be sparked by an emotional reaction, but we tend to talk things through as rationally and logically as possible. That means that often we avoid using emotional language when having a disagreement. If you are having an argument, and you say "I love you" it comes with a 'but'. And we're both pretty secure in the knowledge that having arguments don't mean we don't love each other, actually, it's more likely the opposite. If we didn't care, we wouldn't bother. So no, we don't say "I love you" during an argument.

[Softy]

We didn't get any fight yet, and I'd be happy to keep it this way hehehe~!
But personally I don't say 'I love you' so lightly and way less bound to happen during arguing.

[lucybelle]

I think saying "I love you" during an argument is a cop out. I don't want to hear that when I'm pissed you left the sponge in the dirty sink water AGAIN. Just say you won't do it anymore. Done. Then afterwards we can drink a beer and say I love you. But I don't think it belongs in an argument.

[Haley53]

Same as Eclaire, although we may say it after, we don't say it during.

It might sound overly picky, but my SO absolutely destest using emotional stuff in arguments. And I mostly agree with him. It can make things messy, and be used as swaying power, and neither of us want our emotions to be...well...taken advantage of, in a way. Arguments might be sparked by an emotional reaction, but we tend to talk things through as rationally and logically as possible. That means that often we avoid using emotional language when having a disagreement. If you are having an argument, and you say "I love you" it comes with a 'but'. And we're both pretty secure in the knowledge that having arguments don't mean we don't love each other, actually, it's more likely the opposite. If we didn't care, we wouldn't bother. So no, we don't say "I love you" during an argument.

I think saying "I love you" during an argument is a cop out. I don't want to hear that when I'm pissed you left the sponge in the dirty sink water AGAIN. Just say you won't do it anymore. Done. Then afterwards we can drink a beer and say I love you. But I don't think it belongs in an argument.

I also want to add that these are the reasons we don't do make-up sex either. I know for me, personally, I don't like to mix positive emotional language/experiences with negative emotional language/experiences. We keep the "I love you" for calmer moments and don't feel the need to have it said in the middle for reassurance. I simply wanted to post again because Biddly and Lucybelle both described things better than I did.

[Sora1101]

I think most of us in a LDR are conditioned to talk out our arguments in a rational way :P we've built our relationships off of communication so we learn to speak up about our disagreements.

Anyway when my SO and I get into a spat we usually sit down and discuss it, each giving our own points and whatnot and then once it's resolved we usually go cuddle and say I love you but never during, we just want to figure the problems out and move on. But after we're done we feel like we need to reassure each other that even though we had a disagreement that we aren't still mad with each other and that that fight wasn't a deal breaker for the relationship.

[Zapookie]

No we don't say "I love you" during an argument... but we don't really argue, so I'm not too sure. I'd rather him tell me he loves me when I'm feeling sad or depressed, not pissed off haha.

[lademoiselle]

No, it wouldn't come naturally to either of us to say "I love you" in the middle of a disagreement. After we've talked everything out it's a different story, but I for one would find it rather upsetting to hear my SO tell me he loves me during an argument - to me it'd sound insincere and maybe a bit manipulative! He did once say to me after we'd had a tiff to always remember that even when we don't see eye to eye he still loves me more than anything, and that's all the reassurance I'll ever need.

[bethanymkeegan]

When we argue or fight, he's the rational one and I'm the one that get's up. I tend to get loud, because it's how I "learned" to fight, and I've never made myself correct it. It's something I'm working on. We do have a rule, however, that even if we have had an argument and if we haven't resolved it, we will ALWAYS go to bed acknowledging that we will take care of it tomorrow and that we love each other. We always say I love you to each other. We never go to bed mad at each other.

[ShainaSaysLove]

My SO and I have the policy of not getting off the phone unless we say "I love you" first. When we fight usually I try to act like I am not going to say it, which is stupid, but we always end up saying it to each other not matter what