I need help, i really really do

[ninaneenthe]

So my partner and i have been together for bout a year and we spend about 4 months out of that together the rest we were away seein each other once every three months we had stablished that in two years we'd be back together (in the same city) and recently he said itd have to be more because he wants to study there and not here with me like we had stablished which i was ok with ive been there for him everyday if he ever felt sad bad down depressed or discouraged i was always there willing to help, since i moved away with my parents to a country were i know no one its been extremely hard for me i have no friends nor family other than my mom and her bf and school wont start for a while so sometimes i need to talk to someone and i call my old friends and theyre helpful but when i try to talk to my bf about it he says hes busy or yeah am about to go to bed or stuff like that today we had a date well we had planned one the past three days ive been feeling rather sad almost depressed and he knows that so today i got all dressed up and did my make up for our skype date and he got home late from the time he gets out of school he said hey i wanna go rent a movie and buy shoes ill be back in an hour bye i said fine just call me tomorrow ( i am at the verge of tearing after feeling like shit for the last three days i actually got op and out of my way to have this nice date we planned so i was so upset) he said didnt we have a date oh forget it w.e bye he left just to text me 3 hours later sayin oh i just bumped into friends we're gonna eat and hang out and am sitting here and i dont know what to do am i getting upset over anything ? help?

[Haley53]

It's possible that he retaliated because he was hurt. When my SO and I had planned a Skype date, he had told me one more game and then we would Skype. Well, I waited the forty minutes, he <3ed me, then told me they wanted to play another game. I was hurt. We hadn't Skyped in ages at that point and we had had it planned for a while. I ended up telling him that I didn't feel like Skyping anymore and so I was planning on going to bed. He got hurt and he retaliated. We had an argument, it got resolved, it never happened again, but we probably both said things that we didn't mean. This was a while ago, but I definitely learned through that situation that what I should have done was expressed my feelings diplomatically and calmly. I was so hurt and angry that he seemed so flippant about it, like he was taking advantage of my time, that I acted on that as opposed to taking a breather and talking to him about it rationally later on. To me it sounds like something similar could have happened with your partner. You basically said "bye" and then "call me tomorrow" ("fine" is never a welcoming/pleasant opener for conversation) and so he likely got hurt, because believe it or not, he likely wanted to Skype too, and retaliated by saying to forget it. Because he was hurt, because he knew he hurt you, because you told him to call you tomorrow, he likely ended up going out as opposed to coming home to deal with an argument or the consequences of his actions.

My advice would be to talk to him about it when you're feeling calmly and rationally. Don't retaliate by playing games and saying something snappy in the hopes he later comes crawling back to you to make it up to you. Tell him flatly that you felt hurt by the situation and that you had gotten fancied up and though you appreciated his telling you he'd be back in an hour, it hurt your feelings that he left when you had your Skype date planned. Let the conversation evolve from there. I would also tell him that you've been feeling really lonely and depressed lately, that you've been in a new place where you don't know anyone, and that you don't want to pressure him into anything, you know he's busy, but that you feel like you could really use a little more support. Use the "I"-terms. "I feel." "I think." This will prevent him from getting defensive. However, I would vocalise your needs to him and sit down and have a proper conversation that's not fueled by upset. Maybe sleep on this one, and approach it tomorrow?

[Softy]

How old are you if I may ask?

[ninaneenthe]

i guess i did react badly but ive been so caught up on the fact he doesnt even try to support me and make me feel better the way i try with him so when he did that i just felt so angry and alone and i dont even know


am 19 turning 20.

[Haley53]

Have you talked to him about it? I mean it'd be one thing if you've broached the issue on numerous occasions but another thing entirely if you expect him to try simply because you try for him. :/ Some people are denser than others when it comes to feelings. My SO, for example, is wonderful at knowing what I need and how to support me, but there have been times I've had to ask him what he needs from me because I'm not as keen on it, over the internet, as he is. It's possible you simply need to sit your SO down and talk to him about how you're feeling and that you feel like you could use more support, like I said in my second paragraph.

[ninaneenthe]

Ive tried sitting down and talking about it over the phone i tell him what am going through and what s in my mind and how i feel and how hard its been and it is and he just says i dont know what to tell you oh gotta shower bye, or i tell him and i start crying sometimes hes like am gonna go eat bye he doesnt even say itll get better or am sorry and it kills me

also its not like he was always that way a couple of months back he'll help me deal with my problems or confort me but now... nada

[Haley53]

This may come off like a rude question, but how many negative conversations do you have versus positive conversations? If you're crying to him every phone call, then it's possible he simply feels helpless? And doesn't want to be in the position of acting as your therapist? I really do not say this cruelly, but having been in this situation with someone once before, I'm well aware that it can happen, and that they can't always be expected to listen; it gets wearing/trying sometimes.

[ninaneenthe]

well apart from when i first moved away in august i havent till this week when i started feeling this way

[ninaneenthe]

just now he got home and told me that hes tired of me being sad so tired of it why cant i just be happy that he cant deal with me now he has no time in his life for this his school is more important that i better get happy again because he thinks its pathetic and i told him why i was feeling this way and that i am actually trying to feel better and he just said am gonna go eat dinner bye.
ive suffered from depression before i had to see a psychologist 2 times a week so its not like am just sad i am depressed and i cant just jump off it i dont know what to do i need to find a spychologist here to help me probably give me pills but until then i dont know what to do

[Haley53]

I'm not sure what I would suggest. While I want to say that your partner should be there to support you no matter what, at the same time, if it's really depression you're experiencing... I honestly do not blame the person I mentioned in my earlier post for not wanting to deal with my level of depression, and I sometimes have a hard time coping with or knowing how to respond to my partner's grief/depression. It can be difficult if that's all you ever talk about. You say this has only been going on for a week though? Is he going through anything particularly stressful/difficult, even if it's just finals? I don't mean to okay his behaviour and honestly, abandoning you for dinner after telling you your depression is pathetic is an absolutely horrible thing to do, but perhaps he has a point in that you need to seek help? Everyone has a limit. If you're prone to experiencing depression, why not look into counselling? I wouldn't go straight to medication, but rather I would look into seeing a counsellor and actually talking about your issues and working on them/your moods. While I don't advocate the way he's treating you, and while I think it's wrong, and while you have to consider if you really want to be with someone who's prone to responding to heavy situations like this (which is why I asked if he's going through some things as well, seeing as only a couple months ago, you mentioned he was more supportive, which makes me think something's going on in his life that makes him unable to be there for you, and that's okay sometimes), I also think that sometimes depression is simply too overwhelming. If he's incapable of helping you, and it's not his responsibility to save you, then I would look into finding someone whose profession is about working with young adults struggling with depression.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way :/ and let me tell you, i moved to a completely foreign country with my parents and i went to collage but didnt really like what i did, so i dropped. and was waiting to figure out what i wanted to do. i have no friends here, no relatives, just my parents, younger siblings and i. my bf was miles away.
and i know the situation made me depressed, it was darn hard. you see everyone around you moving on with their lives, i wasnt engaged in anything, all i did was eat sleep, browse the net, didnt have any reason to go out, no timetable. it was very very very depressing. and my bf is busy with collage, he has collage 3 to 4 days a week, and he is very very stressed.


and as time went by it was hard to have great conversations, i felt he gave me less attention and i was on the verge of crying every single day when i woke up.
i was very depressed, and i indeed became a whiny little girl and suffer from inside, not having anyone to talk to. i was only seeing the fact that i have a bf, he is always busy, i have no attention from him! and it is making me sad. i m all alone in this place and i m trapped. and i want his attention now! why isnt he trying?

i felt the same way as you, and this is what i understood with time. what you have to remember is, a LDR is like a full time job. it really is. he is busy, he goes to collage there, he loves you, but he also have to juggle studies, his day to day life and you. it is darn hard too. and what happens is when we are depresed, and worried about our own life, we choose the esiest way to vent it out and yes our SO becomes a target at such a time, and you fail to understand they are trying really really hard too.

when you replied back to him saying call me tomoorow, he sure knew you were upset, and he did not want to face confrontation, cause lets face it, guys feel bad and guilty when their gf s cry and say you shoudnt have done this and that. and that is what happens when we girls are emotional. he purposely got late cause he wanted to give you some time to cool down, and so that he can talk it out with you later on when you are cooled down.

what you need to know is to let him know, he doesnt know how much disturbed, sad, pissed you are, he is not a mind reader. tell him everything, how some things he do make u feel bad, how u would want more attention, and dont make it look like you re demanding, just tell him," i felt sad that you forgot all about the skype date we had planned" "i would feel nice if u did things to make me feel better, and specifically tell him what he need to do, and i also told him, i would appreciate those things alot.

That s what i did and now i know how to understand his lifestyle more better and he exactly knows what will make me feel happy and when he does something nice i say i appreciate it thank you
talk to him i wish you luck

[lala]

I'm sorry for your situation hun! I didn't read all the advice.. but will just tell you what I feel.

Well first of all you should talk to him and tell him why you are depressed.If he really loves you he will stay and listen.. if he refuses because he is tired or has no time, well then you could send him an e-mail.write down what bothers you.. I'm sure he will read it.

other than that- go out, do some sport,there you always can meet new people and make friends. I often read here that people see psychologist.. but I'm afraid that some just go there because they don't want to face there problems..or let other find out what is wrong with them.taking pills, really?? I felt sooo many time depressed,cried and was just really down, but I made it through!yes it was hard and I don't have many friends as well. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so first try to face your problems on your own, and don't give up so easily. Yes you are in a different country where you don't know anyone..but why do you seeit so negative?you want to be happy again?than change your point of few..just see it as a long vacation, let this place have a chance... and when you feel better I think it would also help your relationship!

[Haley53]

I'm sorry for your situation hun! I didn't read all the advice.. but will just tell you what I feel.

Well first of all you should talk to him and tell him why you are depressed.If he really loves you he will stay and listen.. if he refuses because he is tired or has no time, well then you could send him an e-mail.write down what bothers you.. I'm sure he will read it.

other than that- go out, do some sport,there you always can meet new people and make friends. I often read here that people see psychologist.. but I'm afraid that some just go there because they don't want to face there problems..or let other find out what is wrong with them.taking pills, really?? I felt sooo many time depressed,cried and was just really down, but I made it through!yes it was hard and I don't have many friends as well. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so first try to face your problems on your own, and don't give up so easily. Yes you are in a different country where you don't know anyone..but why do you seeit so negative?you want to be happy again?than change your point of few..just see it as a long vacation, let this place have a chance... and when you feel better I think it would also help your relationship!

Psychologists actually do not have the power to prescribe medication. It's psychiatrists that do. In psychology, you actually do put an effort towards figuring out what your problems are and working through them. I simply wanted to clarify so the OP does not think I am suggesting medication, especially not as the go-to solution, and also because the difference between psychology and psychiatry is critical. When people suggest psychology, while some of them might be inaccurately suggesting pills, and have, I assume most are suggesting finding a therapist, which can be massively helpful when you feel like you can't even get out of bed in the morning. However, I do agree with you in the sense that I'm not really a pill pusher. Anti-depressants only work (beyond the placebo effect) for about a third of the people they're prescribed to and they are not as effective without talk therapy; it should also be noted that pills do not solve situational problems, but talking, and working through the emotions and learning coping strategies for them, can and often does.

Simply wanted to clarify the difference between psychology and psychiatry because I am pretty firmly anti-medication, to the point I don't want to be lumped in with people who suggest medication as a solution.

[ninaneenthe]

thanks everyone for your advice, I think am not mentally or emotionally ready to continue with this. we talked out well i talked out about what was going on to him apologized for the fact that maybe i wasnt being my super confident excited happy self but it's hard for me at the moment he said he understood and we were fine until today he called me in the morning we were fine then he decided to go out with his friends and i was happy he was going to see them since most of them had moved hours away for college he rarely sees them so i was all like yes you need to hang out party do your thing and he said he might smoke and drink (am completely against these drinking not so much but with his friends even drinking is a bad idea) i told him thats fine just know how i feel about it go get ready ill talk to you tomorrow i dint need to see you intoxicated nor talk to you (and thats been a huge rule since i met him) he then got all irrational and said am not going to hang out with anyone ill just sit here and talk with you i said no, go out its what youve wanted but i couldnt change his mind about twenty minutes later he says to me its thanks to you i have no friends am calling my friend (denis) and we're gonna go drinking am like aw good ok have fun. i was supportive but he then added if i stayed home and talked with you all night i'd get depressed id keep thinking of how its your fault i have no friens and you get boring. i didnt say anything just bye but it hurt me as if a bullet had struck my heart I've always been supportive of the idea he has friends and goes out and does his thing and for him to say the complete opossite was just terrible he had earlier told me how women are always holding man back ( his bestfriends gf also doesnt want her bf to be in the little group because they are complete idiots that do things without thinking. i believe my bf is too old for that yeah maybe it was cool when you were 17 but youre 22 now so stop act your age, she thinks the same) i told him if he thought i was holding him back to let me know that maybe we needed to be off our relationship so he can be happy he said no he was happy this way. I feel like not only do i have my problems and issues to be sad about but also for the fact that i ruin his life and friendships and stuff so its so much to deal with i dont know if i have the strenght in me to continue its scary to think about going a week without talking to him he's litteraly my bestfriend so its like loosing two people but if this hurts us both so much in different ways whats the right thing to do ?
am so confussed and yes i will talk to a psycologyst, ive always had trouble making friends i had a small group of 4 and we were the closests friends, we didnt hang out all the time because i do enjoy alone time but i knew i had them if i wanted someone to eat with me or watch a movie, we were friends for years so for me to go out and meet people is so hard.

[Haley53]

Is there a reason he's blaming you for things that aren't your fault? Has he always been this way? I can see things you both could be doing differently. You don't need to remind him that you dislike his drinking everytime he goes out and does it, but it's also cruel of them to sit there and stay home and tell you he's staying home and then blame you for the fact he was unable to go out. He made that decision. You didn't. You bid him off, and he decided not to see it through. That is not your decision. That is his, and if he feels shitty over it, he should be accepting that he made the choice, not sit there blaming you.