EX LDR contacts me. Wants her things back.

[Biscous]

I realize the mature obvious answer, return her things. She broke up with me this weekend and didn't have the dignity to contact me in a rational manner to explain to me why. I guess I want some sort of closure besides she is choosing her internship over me. She is almost attacking me lately. She has said a few days ago that I don't listen to her. This is coming from the same woman that said she always feels comfortable in talking to me. She has told me to leave her alone when she is the one that has initiated contact.

She contacts me tonight through text and begs me to return a locket of hers to her. I oblige. I tell her I wish she respected me more and talked to me. She also has things of mine I want returned. A book, a stone I gave her, and $200 for the flight that she did not get on. She agreed but asked me to return her locket first, almost begging as though she was in dire need of it. I told her I want my things returned first. She said she had to find my things, so I told her to start with my money, which ensued emotions by her.

She says that in the relationship I held money over her head many times. I really hate that she has been saying these things. Am I being irrational in asking for her to give me my money back on the tickets I bought for her to come to see me knowing her past actions of not following through? Also is she establishing contact with me to start things with me? She stated she would have given me the money over a week ago. She said her father would pay me back and I have not seen it. I think with me it is more in the principle of things right now. Thoughts?

[ChibiFelicia]

Personally if i was in that situation (and i have been) i just give all their stuff back and dont worry about my own things. I dont even bother with the money. If they give/send it back bonus, if not i dont worry about it. The way you deal with the situation is up to you but i really would suggest that you rethink what you want to do.

As to the way she's acting...i dont understand. Maybe she's trying to make you look like the bad guy so she doesnt have to feel guilty that she broke up with you? You say it enough you believe it right?

[Biscous]

Personally if i was in that situation (and i have been) i just give all their stuff back and dont worry about my own things. I dont even bother with the money. If they give/send it back bonus, if not i dont worry about it. The way you deal with the situation is up to you but i really would suggest that you rethink what you want to do.

As to the way she's acting...i dont understand. Maybe she's trying to make you look like the bad guy so she doesnt have to feel guilty that she broke up with you? You say it enough you believe it right?

I agree that is a more dignified route. I really want my book actually. One of my favorite books I read and had since college that show borrowed.

Right. She is making me out to be the bad guy. Saying that I like to hold onto every penny when I have spent money to see her and enjoy trips together and especially food that her and I both love. Attacking me stating that I hold money over her head when one or two times I mentioned her making me pay at inappropriate times (one night I felt she was ignoring me and talking to her friends and then asked me to pay). Also saying I don't listen to her when she always said that I make her feel better everytime we talk together and that she is comfortable with me. She is being completely irrational.

I told her I respect her decision to stay at home and I understand if she has cold feet. I just did not like how she told the world through Facebook that she broke up with me but didn't even call me.

I want to give her her things so this is all over honestly but I do want the money for the flight she said she would come out to see me as well as my book. She knows that just less than three weeks ago my car got flooded and I had to pay for that and I bought her those tickets at a point when I could have used the money.

[ChibiFelicia]

i dont really know what else to say to you because i would react in a totally different way. The thing about finances...its always best to sort that stuff out at the time and mention it if you're uncomfortable with it. Dragging up stuff thats happened just doesn't do anything. The way i handle finances in a relationship is if i aint happy doing it i aint going to.

The way she broke up with you...awful.

[lala]

well my first thought was just writing her everything what's on your mind..like that she is the BAD one hear and a complete b****!
but then I thought- why should you do that?this would only makes it worse.. and you seem to be a really good guy, so why should you change now when she is the one who needs to feel ashamed. she's been disrespectful, com' on over fb?really?!, plus crying over her stuff but not thinking about yours is so immature and just silly.
If I were on your position I would sent her stuff back.. and see if she gives your back.if not NEVER talk to her again.. you have pride man!200$ is much, but I always say what goes around comes around- one day she will realize that she made a big irrational mistake..but then it will be too late.

[Biscous]

i dont really know what else to say to you because i would react in a totally different way. The thing about finances...its always best to sort that stuff out at the time and mention it if you're uncomfortable with it. Dragging up stuff thats happened just doesn't do anything. The way i handle finances in a relationship is if i aint happy doing it i aint going to.

The way she broke up with you...awful.

Right and it was funny in other threads a few people were saying I was smothering or being selfish in the fact that she took an internship over me and I wasn't happy about it considering she said it was later.

Flat out, she probably felt cold feet closing the distance. Also she is much younger than me (22, I'm 28) and was probably influenced by friends and family as well stating it was a bad idea and things.

I'm not going to let her drama affect me but I do want my money back simply based on principle. It might come off bitter but I don't care at this point as much as she has disrespected me. I can easily ignore her phone calls and texts.

[Dziubka]

Seriously, I would just send her her stuff and that's it.

I think it's ridiculous to ask back for presents that were given during the relationship. You bought her the ticket, if she had visited, you wouldn't have that money either - you're not starving or anything without the money. Sure you could have used it for something else, but you didn't and it's gone now.
The more dignified and greater thing to do is give in to her ridiculous request and not say anything. You're not making it easier for anyone by dwelling over things.
So she has your book? Get a new copy.

My ex still has tons of my stuff and he owes me some money. I could have used that money and that beautiful pair of shoes or the book that my mum had given me for my birthday, but it totally wasn't worth the stress fighting over them.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I'd send back her locket and write the rest off. It isn't really worth the heartache.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with the two above posters. What were you expecting to gain other than conflict when you told her you wouldn't send her her stuff back unless she sent you yours, and paid you back for the flight, first? I don't want to underrate how much the book and the rock mean to you, but I suspect that her locket may mean more to her than the book and the rock mean to you. I wouldn't class jewelery under normal object exactly, because it can be so significant in what it means to an individual. Books and rocks, although these may have sentimental value to you, don't often have that same significance.

And actually, I do think, this time, you are holding money over her. Like the previous two posters have said, gifts given/money spent whilst in a relationship should not be asked back for when the relationship is over. (Lended money is different.) You're refusing to send her her locket until she pays you. That is holding things over her, and actually, it's not very fair of you. I'm not condoning her behaviour, she was in the wrong. She broke up with you in a very immature way, but you're not exactly being mature yourself in this situation. Like you keep saying, she's 22, you're 28. If at least one of the two of you should be behaving like an adult, it should be you.

[snow_girl]

Seriously, I would just send her her stuff and that's it.

I think it's ridiculous to ask back for presents that were given during the relationship. You bought her the ticket, if she had visited, you wouldn't have that money either - you're not starving or anything without the money. Sure you could have used it for something else, but you didn't and it's gone now.
The more dignified and greater thing to do is give in to her ridiculous request and not say anything. You're not making it easier for anyone by dwelling over things.
So she has your book? Get a new copy.

I completely agree. Also not sure what kind of closure you are looking for? I think her decision to remain in this internship is a huge reason why she ended it, it wasn't working out being with you and doing what she wanted, thats it. Just because she feels comfortable talking to you doesn't mean she also doesn't feel like you hear what she says. She could have said that ages ago and since things have changed she no longer feels like you hear her. As for contacting you after telling you to leave her alone, she isn't contacting you for a catch up, she wants her things back. Send her her locket and be done with it.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the replies, just the OP.

Seriously, just give her stuff back. I know you want closure, but you wont get that - or anything else - out of holding onto her stuff and making this more messy than it already is. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want to go over the break up with you, because she feels she has explained herself and you have not listened, and from what I can gather from reading your posts, you're over-the-top clingy and controling, you DO use having money against her, and frankly, I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with you either.

Give her stuff back, then try and learn something from all this.

While I think that yes she should pay you back the $200 - Visits are not just for her, they are for you too. You didn't spend that money FOR HER, it was equally for yourself, and you need to realise that too. There is always a risk someone wont get on a flight for you, for whatever reason.

[Kerry]

I think if anything has been a gift it should be kept, like if she bought something for you or you for her. the locket- was it given to her by her Mom or someone else prior to her knowing you? if so, send it back to her. you might not see that money again. was there an explicit agreement that she would pay you back? if not, you will have to take it as a loss and chalk it up to experience.

[temporaryuser]

as others have stated, let it go. The principal of asking for the money back I can understand. But how long are you going to drag that out for? If she isnt going to give it, she isnt, and there isnt much you can do about it but make each other miserable. The more contact youhave about it, the worse things are going to get. You will forget all the good things and times you spent together and forever have bitter memories about this and how things ended.
let it go, and move on

[Biscous]

I think if anything has been a gift it should be kept, like if she bought something for you or you for her. the locket- was it given to her by her Mom or someone else prior to her knowing you? if so, send it back to her. you might not see that money again. was there an explicit agreement that she would pay you back? if not, you will have to take it as a loss and chalk it up to experience.

She stated she would refund me for the ticket over 10 days ago. Closure OK I want.

Why is it OK for her to ask for her things she gave me, but when I ask for things I have to 'let it go'. The book is important to me. It is one of my favorite books from college that she took from me. The stone I had since I was a kid but I have several - I used to be a rock hound. She is using this as a means to contact with me and I have been nothing but good to her and she is attacking me to make reasons to talk to me.

I noticed that the women here were the ones to tell me to just let it go lol. Sorry ladies I love you just saying. I'm emotionally detached right now and did not attack her, unlike what she is doing now. I don't believe a word she says until I have my things returned as well.

---------- Post added at 09:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 AM ----------

as others have stated, let it go. The principal of asking for the money back I can understand. But how long are you going to drag that out for? If she isnt going to give it, she isnt, and there isnt much you can do about it but make each other miserable. The more contact youhave about it, the worse things are going to get. You will forget all the good things and times you spent together and forever have bitter memories about this and how things ended.
let it go, and move on

She has contacted me and is dragging things out. When she impersonally broke up with me I didn't say anything. Then she gives me a guilt trip for going out with my friends this weekend.

I don't neglect spending time with her but I want her to do the mature thing as well and refund me as she stated. I have no hard feelings towards her but she is making conflict when none is needed. Even the break up. If she was mature and told me her reasons up front it would be OK.

[Haley53]

I agree with the others.

My ex broke up with me within the same week I spent 800.00 non-refundable dollars on a plane ticket. He said he wanted to see me one more time, talk it out. I asked him why would I pay $800 for him to essentially break-up with me when I could at least apply the credit somewhere else? He offered to pay it back to me while I was there. I was stupid, or perhaps blinded by my want to travel, and believed it'd happen. He paid back less than half through the things we did, but he got his in person break-up. Sometimes it happens, and you have to deal with it. Cut it as a loss, and move on.

I agree with Zephii and the others (Dizubika, snow_girl, etc.). This is passive aggressive, manipulative, and you are holding money over her head. Though I can't say that you've done it to her before, it's played a heavy part in your threads in the past, so I'm not going to assume she's saying things so she doesn't have to suffer blame or guilt for breaking up with you because your life paths simply weren't coming together anymore. There's nothing wrong that they didn't. She got an internship. You weren't supportive of it. You don't have to be explicitly condescending and unsupportive to be unsupportive of it; it comes out in other ways. I get that you were hurt by it, but you would have seen her three months later, less than three months!, as as I understood it, you were planning on seeing her August anyway. However, in the end, she chose her life path, which is where she needs to be at 22, because it scraped so much against yours.

I don't think you're doing any good by withholding her locket from her. It's childish and game playing. It obviously means something to her, and while I want to say you shouldn't give anything up in a relationship, or leave it around, that you're not prepared to lose, I think it's ridiculous to withhold it from her until she gives you x, y, and z back. My father claimed, in the court, that my mother put his belongings in a box and threw them out to the curb for him to pick-up. I laughed, because I was there with her as she hand-packed everything in tissue paper because it meant something to him and hand-delivered it on one of the nights we were mandated to see him. She handled it with grace, because the court did not tell her to make sure his stuff arrived safely or even to put it away nicely; the court simply said what was his was his and what was hers was hers. It's immature to hold the locket out of her reach by holding money over her head. You're not doing either of you a favour and you're prolonging the drama, and quite frankly, I would not be surprised if this behaviour surfaced at points in the relationship, because it tends to. My opinion is give her the locket and stop using what you have of her to torture her because she made a decision. You claim to be the settled adult here, so act it.