3 months will ruin EVERYTHING

[Jezah]

Well, thats what his parents think. HBB promised me he was coming this summer for 3 months, it been a plan for months now. He finally told his dad and his dad, within the span of 2 hours somehow convinced HBB to 'rethink' it because 3 months with me would somehow ruin all his chances of ever getting a job and joining the army. His dads logic is ridiculous, HBB needs to retake his Main Board that he failed in May and he cannot do that for 12 months. So HBB was going to join the TA (national guard essentially) and get a job until then, but he planned to come here for 3 months before that since visits will be impossible once he has a job. His dad is flipping out saying that if he takes 3 months to come here he might as well give up on passing MB...wth? Somehow 3 months is make and break is his dads mind, and worse is that HBB actually considered it. After a huge fight of me sobbing and being pissed (he was considering breaking a promise he made to me because his dad was being unreasonable) HBB decided to still come.

Now today his dad had another hissy fit and so did his mom, both emotionally blackmailing him to try and get him to stay. The tickets are already booked now, so he can't not come...instead he calls me and says "I should compromise and go for only 6 weeks...?" I am tearing my hair out right now! I paid for half this ticket expecting 3 months, if he changes it it will cost MORE and I am so mad! Why can't he see a promise is a promise, and he isn't doing anything wrong visiting me! I can't take the flip flopping, I had a huge migraine yesterday because of all the emotional stress. I mean...I don't even know what to do. Am I wrong to expect my boyfriend to keep his promises to me and not be swayed by his parents being unreasonable (the thing is he knows they are being unreasonable...but somehow he is still giving in)? Why would he WANT to come for less time? I am just mad, scared he doesn't love me, and stressed beyond all reason.

[Haley53]

I'm torn on how to answer this one. Are you wrong to expect it of someone? No, I don't think so, but at the same time, I feel like you're expecting things out of HBB that HBB is not willing to give. This has been a problem numerous times in the past, yes? HBB's flat-out inability to stand up to his parents, or even sometimes others as well, for the sake of you and your relationship? And this is something that's been talked about before? The thing is that sometimes people take time to mature into having a spine, and some never do. I realise that that might sound unbelievably harsh, but I dated someone very similarily in these types of situations.

He was incredibly easily swayed, and it seemed like he was always telling someone something different. To his best friend, I was the unreasonable one, to me, his best friend was the unreasonable one. Regardless of what anyone else said, if it avoided having a massive conflict/breakdown or if it avoided him having to think for himself or make any sort of difficult decision, he agreed with whomever he was speaking to. A hundred people could have said I had a point and he would still agree with X if X told him that I didn't, and the same was true for the reverse. It was honestly incredibly difficult to handle. I had no idea when he was being honest, especially when it came to working out conflict. I didn't know what he genuinely felt and what he was simply saying to appease me. I also had no idea what was being said behind my back to the face of those with whom there was also an issue (he and I and his best friend had a toxic relationship - his best friend bullied me senselessly and I refused to stand for it or hang out with him because of it - and it ultimately ended up destroying the relationship). In the end, I had to realise that that was simply who he was and he was unlikely to change any time soon.

I think you have to look at your relationship with HBB the same way. You have repetitive issues with his family and friends because of HBB's lack of ability to stand up for you or your relationship or even for himself, it seems, in most cases. He's either cancelling dates and going out with friends or agreeing with his parents and shortening his visits only to tell you that you're right and they're being unreasonable. The honest situation does not seem to matter to HBB at all. What seems to matter most is that he avoids having to create any sort of conflict or tension, and while I can somewhat understand not wanting to cause an immense amount of tension within his family, given that he lives with his parents, at the same time, as far as I'm aware, he hasn't done much of anything to take steps towards independence? Maybe that's what he needs. It simply seems like he sometimes is content to simply agree with whomever he's talking to and piggyback his way into an easy lifestyle. :/ The thing is, though, that this seems to be such a common theme that I genuinely feel like it's something you're going to have to think hard about.

That's what I meant by what I said at the beginning. It's not wrong of you to expect your boyfriend to grow a pair, fulfill his promises even if that means standing up to his parents, and seek some further independence by doing so, but I'm not sure HBB is quite there yet. Like I said, sometimes it takes people time and sometimes they never get there. It was not a trait I could handle with my ex, and so I cut him out of my life completely. While I don't think that you should have to stand for it, and I would be hurt and upset in your position as well, very much so, I also think you need to realise this isn't about you, and as such, it's not necessarily something you're going to be able to change even if you talk it to death. This honestly may be a trait of HBB that may cause these types of situations in the future, and it's something you're going to have to decide whether or not you can deal with it, simply because no one can make HBB grow up until HBB decides to.

[Jezah]

I am really struggling with it. I don't want to doubt him, and think he is lying behind my back....but sometimes I think he is doing exactly what your ex did. His friends seem to think I am overbearing, never let them talk to him, mentally unhinged and needy....yet they never met or really talked to me so I have no idea how they would form this opinion unless HBB said something. He denies it, says he never talks badly about me...but sometimes I doubt him. I feel like maybe they talk bad about me and he just agrees so he doesn't create waves.

His dad was able to sway his opinion so easily, I swayed him back, then he talked to his mom and swayed the other way. I feel like he is incapable of making a decision and sticking with it, and I really can't be with him if that is the case. I am too high stress of a person to deal with that level of uncertainty and changeability in my life.

[Jezah]

Her flip flopped again, he went off to talk to his dad and was AWOL for 4 hours. I finally got a call and he says "I am going to cancel the tickets and not come this summer". I was gutted, I mean hysterical sobbing and crying, devestated. I begged him to reconsider, but his dad had him brainwashed pretty well. Eventually we were able to talk it out and he said he would come, but only for a few weeks. We haven't changed flights of anything, so I am hoping he may decide to stay the whole time when he gets here.

The issue is now, he has to go back to his dads to pack....and I am terrified his dad will talk him out of coming for even a few weeks. His dad has shown himself to be capable, and HBB had shown himself to be capable of being swayed. I am so scared and so emotionally drained. All our plans, to get a kitten and raise it this summer, family BBQ...all of our plans we made over months of planning are now hanging in the balance. I feel so sick with uncertainty

[Yaaamiii]

Have you ever mentioned that you think he may be too easily swayed? It seems (please correct me if I'm wrong!) that when you two get into arguments, they're usually pretty heated (at least from what I've read from your posts :P). Perhaps taking a different approach to how you guys handle your arguments would help?

What did his parents say that made him change his mind a second time?

Maybe HBB thinks he hasn't ever said anything bad about you, but he could have said something that could be taken the wrong way without meaning to. Why is it that his parents do not approve of you? Is it simply because you two are in a LDR? Does he talk too easily and say things that could give his parents a negative opinion about you? Even mentioning to his parents how you guys may handle fights or things that should be kept between the two of you may cause them to think negatively of you. I went through something like that at the beginning of my relationship with my SO. I'm very emotional and cry very easily when I'm sad/stressed/upset. It's how I handle an overflow of emotion, and when my SO mentioned that to his parents, well, it was one thing that made them think I wasn't suited to be with their son. That actually went on for a really long time. It took my SO standing up to his parents to get them to give me a second chance. His parents have seem me in a different light since.

What I'm saying is, what on earth has he told his parents, or what happened, that makes his parents not approve of you? I've been on this forum for a while, and I remember you making a post once a while back where you mentioned that his dad had asked HBB why you wouldn't stay longer or something. (I hope I'm remembering this correctly!) What has happened since then? I read your posts and I'm always so sad for you, I wish there was some magical cure or something =/. Staying calm while arguing may help out some. (I'm assuming you guys already do this at the beginning and then things start to get heated? If that's true, trying to stay calm throughout may help.)

Sorry if none of this made sense, I'm just terrible at organizing my thoughts sometimes. xD

[WakeUpSusie]

Honestly, I think the root of this problem is that he is too afraid to rock the boat at his parents house, and therefore doesn't stick up for himself or (way worse) for you. Has he made a solid plan to move out of his parent's house yet?

[BabyDimples]

I feel like he is incapable of making a decision and sticking with it, and I really can't be with him if that is the case. I am too high stress of a person to deal with that level of uncertainty and changeability in my life.

To me, it sounds like he just won't stick up for himself. Have you talked to him about this? Tell him exactly what you said there. What will it be like in years to come when you have closed the distance? If he doesn't start sticking up for himself, will his parents always be able to sway his decisions? I think that that is something that you need to talk to him about. It mightn't seem that serious now, but what about if you get engaged? (they could talk him out of it, say he isn't ready?) Married? (trying to govern your marriage or your wedding?) When you have kids? (Talk him into which schools, groups, activities.etc that they go to?) Allowing himself to be swayed by his parents can end up a pretty serious thing. If I were you, I would talk to him about it.

I'm sorry if it makes you have doubts are have bad thoughts, but to me it seems like a big thing that can cause problems for you two in the future.

[Jezah]

He allowed himself to be swayed one last final time, and he cancelled the tickets. I am crushed, and more so because of how he did it. He called, and his words were "Jess, no don't say a word. I am simply calling quickly to tell you I cancelled the tickets, I'm not coming and I love you. I will call later" and he hung up and is now ignoring me. Mainly because he is a coward and knows he would have had to take, my very justified, tears. Now I cannot get ahold of him, and what does 'later' mean? Next week? I am so hurt and confused, and I really think this is the end of us. I ripped down all his posts its, packed all his gifts into a memory box and shoved it in the back of my closet. I feel so wrecked, I don't know the man who has been doing this...acting like this, and it breaks my heart. His dad has brainwashed him into some semblance of a man I used to know, but cruel and selfish. I just want my HBB back, I am sitting her sobbing, helpless because I feel like today I saw the man I loved for over a year die.

[Haley53]

Wow. :/ I'm not even sure what to say. I would be incredibly heartbroken in this situation and I'm not sure I could handle it or recover from it either. Massive hugs to you on this one.

[Yaaamiii]

I'm with Eclaire :/ I don't know how I would react. *hugs*

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I'd be completely devastated.

[WakeUpSusie]

Honey, please break up with him. No one is worth all of this heartbreak and drama and pain. If he can't man up and treat you like you deserve to be treated, he isn't worth another second of your time. Things will not get better with him... he has proven that. Please get out of this whirlwind you two are in and find someone who will value you more than his father's opinions and will treat you with the utmost respect.

<3