confused and hurt

[Jessipoo]

Hi everyone... this is going to be a novel so if you read it all, thanks. I know I'm not suppose to write a long post but I want to be very clear about what's going on to get the best advice possible.
Let me start off by saying, everybody's advice is welcome but everybody is different and every situation is different. I'm also probably missing out a lot of important details but I would need a 5 chapter book to write everything.

My SO and I have been together since August of last year. The company he was working for wasn't doing well so he started looking for other opportunities. He landed an AMAZING job in Seattle for Amazon as a Senior Software Engineer (and he's only 24, my age). I was encouraging and we talked it through, made a decision together and we said worse case scenario, it'll be for a year, we'll Skype everyday, visit each other every month and "I'm always just a phone call away". Little did I know.. everything would change instantly.

Leading up to the move, things were very stressful for him. He found out his brother's fiance had cancer... The day before he left, his car got stolen and his tax documents for tax season.. were in the car. Great, 2 new headaches (other than visas, paperwork, car registration stuff, etc). I was stuck in limbo land because students at my school went on strike and I didn't even know if I would finish my semester and it was getting very stressful for me. It also meant, I had more and more time on my hands.. not good. And my computer crashed a month before the deadline wiping everything so extra stress. We were both in a bad place.

He visited his family for a few weeks before he went to Seattle and we already started talking less. We went from talking all day everyday (text, msn during the day, seeing each other at night, me basically living at his place which he called "our apartment" to less and less). He sent me morning emails and we had a few Skype dates, he was busy with family and he said once he got to Seattle it would get better. It wouldn't.

Once in Seattle (beginning of April), he had a whole lot of other headaches. SSN registration, immigration stuff, Revenu Canada problems, bought a new car and paid for it but couldn't get it yet because he didn't have his SSN yet (and it's been almost 3 months now), had to rush to find a new place to live, contact the movers to get them to move it there, found out all his stuff was completely damage (over 3k of damage - so more headache). I went to go visit once a week after he was in Seattle in temp housing, and I can sense he was already a bit more stressed but everything between us was still amazing.

Texting and emailing dwindled down less and less, and I would bug him every now and then and we'd get into fights about communication problems (but you push and he would push back). He would be at work until 12am or 2am his time (add 3 hours for my time) and I would freak out every now and then about "us", he comforted me.. at first (but would grow tired of "dealing" with me). Not only that, but he is away on conferences every single weekend which meant no time for visits or Skype! He did try a few times by borrowing a friend's phone to skype call me or email me or walk out of the conference area to text or call me cuz I was freaking out... but I think he got tired of me being so weak all the time. Nothing can prepare you for LDR, especially when nothing goes to plan.

Ah yes. He also didn't have internet for a whole month in his new place because the internet guy and him couldn't coordinate times. So I instead would call him every morning as he walked to work. That lasted a little over a week until he got a huge phone bill (I don't know why since I was paying for the phone charges and I offered to pay half) so we stopped - he said on 2 occasions he would get it fixed because he missed talking to me but work picked up and that was a no go... again. So I got hurt and attacked him about buying himself a new sports car but not paying a bit extra to make our lives easier. Our phone calls were down to every week or so... when I would call every day hoping he'd pick up - and he would sometimes. He said work trumps all sometimes... (so there was zero stability for either of us).

I did freak out a few times about him disappearing (ends up he'd have no reception and I would send angry messages only to find out later about xyz problem) but I couldn't help it and yes we'd fight.

Recently, he found out his mom has breast cancer, he won't tell me details but a few weeks ago he said it got worse. He mentioned a few times how he was hanging onto our memories to get him through, but there were fewer and fewer goodnights, good mornings, I love you, I miss you, something we would do more than once in a day when we were in the same city and saw each other daily!!

So when he went home to visit his mom after the sad news, we barely spoke. I got more impatient and less understanding as time went by, he would get behind on work so that meant him being more stressed and us talking even less (1-3 texts a day from him, nothing that awesome). Sometimes he'd write a small morning email of 1 sentence... but the last time was end May. He would respond less and less to my questions about us and our future, or even anything else for that matter, I'd send him funny videos on Whatsapp (to which he never responded to but did ask once for me to send him one to cheer him up) and he never sent me one, even at my request. I sent him a package that arrived over 2 weeks ago that he still hasn't picked up (because he's never there at normal hours, but he could pick it up on his way to work from the manager's office).

Our big fight was 2 Thursdays ago. His friend had died from getting hit by a drunk driver (4th person to die in his life in our 10 month relationship :s) so he went to the funeral. We barely spoke once again. Now normally, I'd be fine with it, be sensible he's at a funeral right.. but he didn't tell me he'd be there for 2 days so on the second day I thought he was back in Seattle. But at this point, I was very impatient and our communication was so few and far in between that I cracked again, and big time. I said some hurtful things, went on and on. He said he wasn't ignoring me or rejecting me. Thursday morning we fought again, he finally picked up my phone call. I asked if he still loved me and I said I was on the brink of breaking up, he said yes I still love you but one more thing and I'm out. We spoke for 2 days after that, he was in Miami for a conference and somehow found time to contact people and hook up a show (yes he's also a DJ), I was very upset and hurt but at this point I didn't want to push our fragile relationship so I remained positive and said it would be a good break for him to play a show.

After he mentioned that around 2pm his time, he disappeared. I haven't heard from him since but I know he's alive since I was some online activity on his soundcloud page. I have sent a few emails and texts and apologized, yet again, but he has said that saying sorry doesn't absolve me from everything. It's been 1.5 weeks.. since he last spoke with me and I'm really worried this may be over. He has been neglectful choosing work and everything else over me, but I could've been more supportive and hung on more giving him time to resolve things. There is no point in playing the blame game, what's done is done. I'm not sure what to do anymore... I also sent him a postcard last week that I made of us as cartoon characters to cheer him up.

We used to solve all our problems together, and communicate. We barely fought up until right before the move and now. He was always there for me and even if he was busy in the past it was never to this degree. He did tell me once how I've never seen him when he goes into crazy production mode. His job keeps him way too busy and my family keeps saying this may be a blessing in disguise. And he often will bottle things up and just let it pass ignoring an issue I bring up or something I say but it all came out recently. He said I have been aggressive since he saw his family before Seattle (mid May), which I probably was, but only because I was banking on every word he said - like how he would try to sneak out of family stuff to Skype me for 5 minutes but then wouldn't. Every little missed opportunity was basically a stab to my heart, but only because of the LDR situation. I wasn't this crazy before, I feel like I'm not myself. This "break" has been good for me to regain my strength and independence, I'm hoping it's not too late but I'm scared as time goes on, that we are really over...

Things are so much more difficult to recover from at a distance. What do I do now? My mom says to wait it out for as long as I can (a month so a few more weeks?) to let him deal with this stuff. But this is basically emotional abuse.

[Haley53]

Being a hundred per cent honest here, it sounds like he's got a lot on his plate, and it sounds like you haven't been the most understanding of it, though correct me if I'm wrong. He's obviously incredibly stressed, going through a move that involves an immigration-type process, had to deal with this on top of learning about his brother's fiance's cancer, having his car stolen, and all his tax paperwork (taxes are stressful as hell for anyone when they go right) with it, and then in addition to all of this, he's busy and stressed out at work, learned his mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and lost his best friend, all while he was away. This is heavy handed, and while I want to say that 10 months is a long time to be in a relationship, when you take into account the bigger picture, it really isn't. :/ And some of these things do need/would have needed to take priority over the relationship, especially when it comes to things such as death and serious illness in the family.

My SO lost his mother this past October, and it was hell, what we went through, including a break. Although we ultimately made it through, I am convinced that a large part of the reason that we did is because I had to stop worrying about me. I had to be okay with texting one or two times a day or not at all, because he didn't have internet for a little over a month. I had to be okay with his mood swings. I had to be okay with not being his girlfriend and even when we reinstated titles, I had to be okay with not being cared for or treated as reasonably and decently as he cared for and treated me before his mother passed away. Essentially my needs were not an object, because what he was going through was simply bigger than the both of us. Sometimes, in relationships, people face times of having to set themselves aside and carry the relationship 100%. It's not always 50/50, and it's not always going to be. Sometimes one partner has to be okay with sacrificing their needs and making more compromises than necessary because of what their partner is going through. In yours and your SO's case, it sounds like that would have needed to be, or will need to be, you, and you need to decide whether or not you can deal with that.

I do understand having to get used to a LDR situation, but I honestly think backing off right now and letting him calm down and come to you in his own time is what needs to happen, and if he does come to you and still wants to continue the relationship, then my guess would be you both need to have a serious discussion over what your needs are. He'll be struggling with grief and stress and a lot of difficult emotions surrounding more than one area of his life, so your daily calls, weekend visits and Skype chats, etc., hell, maybe even your entire relationship, will have to take the back burner for a while. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed or even that you're destined to be miserable and unhappy; one can learn how to take care of themselves and be there for oneself even in the most dire of situations. However, you do have to think about whether or not it's something you feel is worth putting up with, because not everyone does. Some people simply do not want to be in a relationship for any amount of time that they have to carry. It sounds, however, like your SO is in crisis mode, and as a result, you will have to sacrifice many of your wants and needs, including the communicative one, until he gets out of it. Even if that's not his ultimate intention, that's likely to be what happens simply because he doesn't have the energy or ability to carry out his word like you might want him to. I think it's worth thinking about while you give him the space and time to cool down. In the meantime, I wouldn't send any more apologies, and I would let him come to you.

[Jessipoo]

ya, thanks. I have been supportive and tried helping in any way I can, but it's hard to help someone when they shut down a bit. When the car was stolen I found all the information to contact the right people and already met with the insurance guy to give a statement. I probably look like an inconsiderate jerk at this point but things crept up gradually. And given all his stresses, the relationship was very one sided for a long time and I had no emotional support from him after the first month.

Anyways, yes I could've done more. I guess it's just difficult since I would reach out to him if it was the other way around. It's 180 from how it was...

And before he got insanely busy, I feel he still wasn't putting in the effort as much. In retrospect, I would take how it was to what it is now, but you can not undo what's done. I have learnt from it. What was frustrating though was not getting any type of answer from him when I would ask a question... but this is the first time either of us are dealing with the stress PLUS LDR. But if we can through this, then we get through anything. My only gripe now is if we were living together, would he even make time for me or would work trump all all the time.. I find it difficult to believe one cannot make 5 minutes to speak to their SO.

[Honeypie]

Sorry if I upset you however he has A LOT going on & A LOT of stress in his life ... he is away from his friends & his family & has bad news after bad news coming at him .... & you sound like 1 more stressful thing to add to the pile.

Give him some time & let him think & go to you.

[Jessipoo]

this time has allowed me to think and gain my strength and independence again. I wasn't in a good place when he left and up until 2 weeks ago, school was unresolved so I wasn't my best self either and got weaker and weaker because the one thing I could rely on was gone as well; I couldn't be there for him because I was having a rough time on my end as well but I still tried. I hope this is temporary but going from the top of the priority list to the very bottom all the time, hasn't been easy or pleasant.

Personally, I would never be able to deal with the stress he's under, I had my stresses as well and everything kept changing for the both of us, in our lives and in our situation. If we pass this, I will be able to deal with it better, that's for sure. One mistake I made is I made myself too available for him and I was working all my plans around him - which was basically impossible because he didn't know what was going on either and now obviously, things have changed.

[Haley53]

I do understand the 180-degree effect. I hardly recognised my SO after his mother passed away, and he had a lot on his plate then, too, but in the end, that's the thing: the relationship either survives the crises, or it doesn't. I understand feeling like he's not taking care of you or treating you in the way he should be, I understand that the relationship felt very one-sided, but the thing is he's experienced crisis after crisis. You said four deaths? And you only mentioned one of them here, in addition to everything else he's had to go through. This is what I meant by 10 months being such a short relationship; it's not a long enough relationship to be prioritised above these crises. Had you been together for 15 years, it may have been differently handled, but being such a young relationship, you have to decide whether or not being treated in this way is something you're willing to put up with. He's got a lot going on. Maybe he's not really able to handle a relationship at this point, but if he loves you and doesn't want to end it (and it sounds like he's tried conveying this to you), and you love him and don't want to end it either, you're going to have to tolerate this sort of dynamic for a while. I realise it's shitty, but even though things have improved between my SO and I several months later, he still has moments. I have gradually been able to reinstate my needs, but my SO hasn't experienced crisis after crisis after crisis either. If you can't handle this dynamic or not having your needs met, and it doesn't make you selfish if you can't, then maybe the relationship, at the very least, needs a break. :/

---------- Post added at 06:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:08 PM ----------

Just read your last response. I'm glad you have it all figured it out, and I hope the best for you in the future.

[Jessipoo]

ya. I just hope it doesn't go above a month, I'd expect at least the courtesy of being notified if we're broken up...

and yes he dealt with 4 deaths (3 out of 4 were significant people). I was there to help him in person through all of them except the last. I'm an extremely caring and affectionate person so it is very difficult for me not to be able to be there for someone, or feel like my efforts are having zero effect (that may sound selfish but it's like cooking a delicious meal and giving it to someone and you get zero feedback) at some point, you don't know if you should go on or not.

Having him text I love you but not feel it or hear it, was really hard. I'd be able to deal with it now though. I'm keeping busy and doing things for myself.

I just hope it's not over or too late..
How long is too long to wait?
I'm glad you guys are being supportive though. I've had so many naysayers in my life about this LDR and this situation it's been hard to stay positive, I think it got to me a little bit because I wasn't exactly being reassured by him and everything kept pushing on me.

[Haley53]

Trust me, I got the naysayers as well. And we made it. I won't say it happens for everyone, but it happens for some people. You simply have to decide whether or not waiting is worth the risk. You say it's been 1.5 weeks since you last heard from him? Has it been the same from you too? Honestly, this is a hard one. Is it possible his internet has gone down or he's unable to get in contact with you? Or has the time he's been online been for extended periods? I would honestly wait another week, if it were me, and then send a message saying you want to at least hear back about whether or not he's okay and if he wants some space/a break, because you're really worried about him and you love him, something that's reassuring but firm enough to let him know that you need to have some word of what's going on, even if it's that he needs more space.

I can understand where you're coming from. I really can. I am an extremely affectionate person as well and so to have that element removed from our relationship, and replaced with what was sometimes downright hostility, it was... I'm not sure what it was. I'll say it was something. But I think that going through that was what taught me that relationships really cannot always be 50/50. I had been convinced, prior to that, that they could and I realise now that that's an impossible way of thinking. I also had to learn that his lack of affection and acknowledgment over x or y had nothing to do with me. It wasn't personal and I think that was what was hardest for me to come to terms with, because even if I knew he was right, it sure felt personal, and my feelings trumped my logic. It eventually became something I was able to separate from, however, and it happened the more independent I became. That really will be your ticket to staying sane through his tough time.

[Jessipoo]

I already sent him messages about how worried I was (but any time he's been absent I worry, he's all alone in Seattle and walks home late by himself and up until recently, I was the only person he had daily contact with).

Last week, I woke up at 2:30am and couldn't fall back asleep because I woke up and just stayed up super worried. So that was fun to go to work worried with only 2 hours of sleep

He has internet, I saw him have some online activity recently. So he is choosing to ignore me this time. I'm confused though because we spoke for the 2 days afterwards. To be honest, I needed this wake up call and time to properly reflect. Patience is not my forte.. but this is making me learn quick.

And ya, my affection was replaced with resentment and hurt. I have been writing him via conventional text here and there, only positive stuff. I didn't write since last Sunday and I will try my best to not write anything until the weekend and maybe just write a small little something and hope we get back to what we were.

My birthday is in 2 weeks, a month or 2 ago I told him all I wanted for my birthday was to see him (which at the time was more realistic, before the breast cancer and the work deadline being extended beyond end June). I am not even expecting anything at this point anymore but just anything would be nice.. hearing from him would be nice...he didn't say we were on a break he just disappeared and uninstalled the app we use to converse.

[Haley53]

Hm. :/ I'm not sure on this one. The uninstalling the application is suspicious, but it's possible he's simply at a breaking point. My SO became very withdrawn and distant the two weeks before our break-up, because he needed time to think things through, he later said to me, and he ultimately ended up saying he could not be a boyfriend/have a relationship at the time. Perhaps your SO is experiencing something similar? Withdrawing simply because he can't handle too much right now? The unfortunate thing is that sometimes these situations change people, and it's not always for the best, even if it's only temporary. He may not be himself right now, and he may not be fully aware of the repercussions of some of the decisions he's making. He may simply be withdrawing, which, quite frankly, is normal when it comes to grief, and he may be struggling to deal with it and shutting everybody out right now.

[Jessipoo]

Before our fight he apologized for all the difficulties, I should've taken it and went with it but I was so hurt and my patience ran out and I passed by places we have been together that it hurt, but instead of reminiscing of good memories it made me sad that we didn't have that love we once had and I went a little cray cray. When I was texting at that moment, I kind of knew I shouldn't but I was being impulsive. I had my first paycheck and was excited, told him about it but he never responded to share the good news with me, so I got upset and then ya.. can't take that back now. It wasn't great timing either. He disappeared once for 3 days and never told me why but he came back on. This time is serious.

Maybe when he sees my postcard and eventually picks up my package, he'll remember "us"

[digitalfever]

I’m going to be 100% honest here.
My mother died of uterine cancer four months ago. Two years ago when we found out the diagnosis and then a few weeks later her diagnosis of only having about a year or two to live with treatment I was a mess. I cried, I over ate, I withdrew from my friends, I threw myself from my studies and people getting closer to me was hella annoying. I needed the time and the space to figure out how I felt with the diagnosis and the inevitable with how my life was going to look like and be like without my mother – who was a single mom and raised me on her own for my whole life. Needless to say we were thick as thieves.
My boyfriend dealt with a lot when my mom was on her death bed. From picking fights, complaining about stuff I didn’t like even when I didn’t care, to just being emotionally distance and even “stand offish”… and other crazy behavior because I had no clue how to feel. Literally.
My point is when someone is faced with the possible death of a parent it’s traumatic. I would say it’s very different than a freak or random death because you deal with it knowing the possible end result. You have to figure out how much time you need to spend with them, you have to figure out if you have hurt them in anyway, you have to get all your ducks in order so you feel that when they die any type of hitch or knot in your relationship has been untied. You go through phases of wanting to be close to people because you’re scared and wanting everyone to back off. Sporadic and inconsistent behavior becomes your best friend. Why? Because you’re trying to sort out your life and literally prepare for someone’s death physically but emotionally. You go through the process of letting go while they are still here.
What I mean to say is that your boyfriends behavior may not be to your liking and it may even be jerk like but cut him some slack.

[sewbama]

It sounds like both of you have had a difficult past few months (with his probably a bit more stressful), and you don't know how to support each other. After all that's gone on, a fresh start sounds like it is exactly what you need. If you want to talk to him, write it down. On paper, and don't send it. It'll help you get out what you're thinking, but give you both the time you need to figure yourselves out.

So leave him alone. You guys have a lot to figure out. When you do get back into contact, try to figure out what you both want/need right now. And like Eclaire said, sometimes you have to throw away your needs/wants to be there for him. It isn't fair, and it can hurt. But that's what relationships are. You decide that being together is more important than those things. So you have to decide if you are willing to do that. And he needs to be clear about what he wants (something it seems he might not have done since you don't know where your relationship is).

But for now, just wait, and think about you and where you are going.

Best of luck.

[Honeypie]

You have to wait & give him space ..... I understand that it's hard but you need to back off. If he wants to talk to you he will, stop checking up on him.

[staystrong12]

I agree with everyone here. He really needs his space. My babe's mother died last summer, and he gets distant and angry when he's grieving. He's also lost a lot of people to suicide lately...his best friend's dad and brother both killed themselves recently, other kids he knew have killed themselves recently (one just last week). And to top it off, he almost did it himself last week too. He is dealing with a crap ton right now, and I've learned to just back off and let him deal with it the best way he knows how. Your SO needs space, hun. He is extremely busy and extremely stressed, and probably even hurting a lot right now; he needs to deal with it himself, on his own. If he wants to talk, or even has the time to, he will. You have to be patient with him - easier said than done, I know. But if you're not, you'll lose him, and no one wants that. Just give him the space he needs, quit checking up on him, be patient, and focus on yourself right now 'til he starts talking again.