confused and hurt

[Irina_Linn]

for me it seems you are a bit childish in ur attitude towards relationship...are u serious you freaked out right after the day of funeral? sorry but its weird,funeral is damn sad thing and (fortunately) i've never been to one of close people but i can understand people can totally fall out of life.cartoons,cards...maybe a 16-year old will need it but 24-year old needs just a woman who can at times be silent but will always be there when he will need someone to talk to and share feelings and problems.sorry for my language,em a bit stressed these days coz of mty LDR too but well i'd rather tell you the truth right so you will not lose ur bf completely.just relax,do your things and let him speak first.i don think he will disappear without saying a single word so guess things gonna be ok with some time

[Jessipoo]

I absolutely agree I was being childish, which is easier to say looking back but I/we were in a bad place and our communication was down to like 2 texts a day (from him, that were not really engaging) so it just got to me more. I was being impulsive, I had passed by one of the places we had a nice date on and it triggered me missing him, which triggered me feeling neglected, hurt and resentful. Not to mention that he tells me things after the fact so I thought he was already back in Seattle but he had stayed 2 days or so which I only found out after I texted him and waited for a response. He's been away on conferences every weekend so far and I would know a day later which city he was in or if he was okay (sometimes only when I'd ask), it's hard not to be in the loop quite as much. It was difficult to go from amazing and talking non stop to barely anything.

Every time he said he'd not let work get to him or that he'd fix his phone stuff, something would come up and it wouldn't get resolved. I stopped pushing it at some point cuz I know that it just wasn't a priority but texting is the lowest grade of communication and we were barely talking, which I would be fine with now given everything.

All I want to do is apologize a million times and prove to him that my attitude has changed. If I do lose him, this will be my biggest regret ever.

I would figure he'd at least let me know if we were over..... how long should I wait? it's 1.5 weeks now.

I wish friends and fam were more supportive and more harsh with me. I needed that so I thank you guys for the help.. this really is helping me.

[Carenza LaRue]

I absolutely agree I was being childish, which is easier to say looking back but I/we were in a bad place and our communication was down to like 2 texts a day (from him, that were not really engaging) so it just got to me more. I was being impulsive, I had passed by one of the places we had a nice date on and it triggered me missing him, which triggered me feeling neglected, hurt and resentful. Not to mention that he tells me things after the fact so I thought he was already back in Seattle but he had stayed 2 days or so which I only found out after I texted him and waited for a response. He's been away on conferences every weekend so far and I would know a day later which city he was in or if he was okay (sometimes only when I'd ask), it's hard not to be in the loop quite as much. It was difficult to go from amazing and talking non stop to barely anything.

Every time he said he'd not let work get to him or that he'd fix his phone stuff, something would come up and it wouldn't get resolved. I stopped pushing it at some point cuz I know that it just wasn't a priority but texting is the lowest grade of communication and we were barely talking, which I would be fine with now given everything.

All I want to do is apologize a million times and prove to him that my attitude has changed. If I do lose him, this will be my biggest regret ever.

I would figure he'd at least let me know if we were over..... how long should I wait? it's 1.5 weeks now.

I wish friends and fam were more supportive and more harsh with me. I needed that so I thank you guys for the help.. this really is helping me.

I think you support him most when you set your own feelings aside at this moment. Leave him be for as long as it takes..... because if you love somebody.. you have to set him free.... to use a cliché.... he will come back and he will love you for that....because you gave him time to process his feelings of mourning without having to worry about you...

come on girl.... show him your strength..... so he knows he can rely on you when he comes back.
something tells me this relationship is not finished.... not by far.... don't worry.

in the mean time.... do things for yourself that feel good and make you a bit more relaxed.... write about your feelings... or read a good book.... start blogging or whatever suits you....

the two of you will be fine again.... just don't rush him.

best of luck...

[Jessipoo]

Thank you Carenza. That helped and I hope that is the reality. Hopefully he'll only reflect on the good things and not focus on the negative, a side of me I'm not too proud of.

[Jessipoo]

for me it seems you are a bit childish in ur attitude towards relationship...are u serious you freaked out right after the day of funeral? sorry but its weird,funeral is damn sad thing and (fortunately) i've never been to one of close people but i can understand people can totally fall out of life.cartoons,cards...maybe a 16-year old will need it but 24-year old needs just a woman who can at times be silent but will always be there when he will need someone to talk to and share feelings and problems.sorry for my language,em a bit stressed these days coz of mty LDR too but well i'd rather tell you the truth right so you will not lose ur bf completely.just relax,do your things and let him speak first.i don think he will disappear without saying a single word so guess things gonna be ok with some time

Not that it's an excuse but it didn't help that I didn't know his friend... or the existance of this person up until I found out he died. He only has a handful of close friends, I didn't know about this one.

[Irina_Linn]

yea but still its awful right.death is always awful and well new work and stuff is like in top-5 stressful things atleast for me.ok now tell me one thing: did you write him during these 1.5 weeks? if no,good coz guess you can jus write sth simple now,but only one message or text,like "hew how are you blabla love you".keep it simple.make it a little reminder you care but not being too disturbing.i guess it will make him feel better

[Jessipoo]

at Irina_Linn

I have here and there. Moreso at the beginning because he was off Whatsapp and I was worried because I didn’t hear from him. Then I sent him a few texts from then to now, all positive, nothing about what happened. I sent him a (long) apology email about not handling all of this maturely and breaking under the pressure.

What made things worse was not having any planned visits (or him trying to find time, this was before the cancer), just “we’ll figure it out” and “stop skipping 900 steps ahead” and not much more of an explanation (because he doesn't feel like he has to give one all the time). And what was supposed to be one year worst case scenario eventually became, well we’ll see if I can transfer after a year.. so that also made me feel like he just sweet talked me so I would be on board with him leaving.

Mind you, when we were in the same city and he didn’t hear from me for an hour or 2 he’d freak out a bit too or get worried, situation has changed and I've come to terms with it now.

-------------------------------------------

What I find amazing is the staggering amount of people who tell me to just break up.. (not from this forum.. or my family) like that’s the only solution or the easiest/best. None of these people are in LDR or have ever been; and I try to stay objective when explaining the situation. Do people not try anymore?

How do you guys recover/fix a shaky situation when there’s a fight (being long d makes everything 10000% worse )?

[Haley53]

Being LD doesn't make everything worse. It can seem like it does, but I promise you, if you can get through this and work on your communication to the point you don't need to make up "in person" to overcome a trial like this, it's only going to add strength and depth to your relationship.

I don't think it's that people don't try. I think it's that people don't understand. When my SO's mother passed away, people's decision was that he withdrew because he didn't love me anymore, that he was being a coward and I was stupid to believe him when he said it had nothing to do with me. When he got angry and we would argue, people thought we couldn't work through it together, that we needed to do so separately. People believed the break was preceding a break-up. People had every reason but grief for what my SO was going through, and I realised then that people do not understand unless they themselves have been in that much a state of crisis, and even then, sometimes understanding is hard to squeeze out of someone. People also have an issue when they see something negative. There have been studies done on different responses shown by different people: swallowing emotions and not expressing them, expressing concern for someone else in a crisis, or showing vulnerability in one's own crisis; more people who showed vulnerability (in their own crisis) were rejected/seen negatively by their audience, because people simply don't like to be around it. The answer in western culture seems to be as easy as get-rich-quick scams. You're unhappy? Break up/get out of the situation, simple as. I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to blame anyone for being brought up and socialised to act the way they do or say the things they do. You have to learn not to let them get to you, because they will bring you down and you don't need that.

As far as how you recover from it, honestly, you listen. People forget to listen. It becomes about how do I feel better? How do I recover from this? And there needs to be more focus on the we and on the partner. When you two have started speaking again, you ask him what does he need you to do because you want to be the best support you can be, and you provide him with that. You ask him, you listen, you show him that you can be there for him like he is able to be there for you when he's not going through a crisis. Actions speak louder than words and mean more than apologies. You do that, and you will improve your communication and come out of this type of situation for the better, but it really does involve dropping the "I" out of the equation for a while.

[Jessipoo]

I tried the "we" a lot, I asked what I do for him to cheer him up or fix things (when we would fight) and he would never respond to those messages. Mix that with taking a back seat to everything and not being reassured things will be okay in the end or that eventually we'll have Skype time or this or that and up until recently, he never expressed feeling sorry about putting work ahead of me (once again, this is before the cancer)... it's difficult. I felt like I was losing him for the first time. A month ago he told me "nah you can't get rid of me that easily" and I felt okay for a bit and that him not texting or emailing wasn't a sign of lack of love. But it's hard to believe that when we've never experienced this kind of distance, emotionally and physically. To me, it feels like people WILL find time to make for the people they love so ...

I would do my best to stay positive but eventually it gets so draining, especially since I was emotionally a wreck dealing with separation anxiety. I would send photos, videos, talk about random stuff to take his mind off serious matters, send cheery emails, a package (that he never found time to pick up in 2.5 weeks.. and counting, that one kind of stings)

I also made the mistake of letting naysayers get to me eventually. with a lack of communication from him and them talking me down, it discouraged me. I would start to question everything, my mom made me question if he would still love me because of his high paying salary and me "not being able to keep up with him", which he responded to and said was silly.

I know my timing was horrible and my meltdown after the funeral was not great, but for the last 1-2 months we gradually spoke less and communicated less (both in terms of quantity and quality). It is easy as an outsider to say it was 100% my fault and I am a bad gf and this and that, but when you are clouded with emotion and weakness, your judgment becomes impaired. There is no point in playing the blame game anyway, I acknowledge my wrong and am willing and HAVE already changed my attitude.

[Haley53]

I am not blaming you. I am speaking as someone who has been in your exact position, who has dealt with reacting the way you did, and who had to learn how to deal with it in order to keep her relationship. I know very, very well how very draining and miserable it can be (you can even look at some of my very first posts, where I vented about my situation on LFAD and received some of the responses that you're describing), but I also know that the situation is black and white. The situation of one partner being in a deeper/more trying crisis than the other is that you either carry the relationship 100%, and learn how to cope with such a massive burden, or you break-up and go your own separate ways. I wish I could tell you that there's a middle ground, I really do, and maybe there is and I simply didn't find it, but I know that I had to learn to seek happiness in places other than in my relationship until my SO could stand on his own two feet. Not everyone can deal with grief or the stress of someone's crisis, but the situation really is as black and white as you learn how to reassure yourself, how to cope with your own feelings and rely on you/your supports, or you realise you can't deal with that and need someone who's always going to be available, and you leave. Like I am not trying to be some insensitive bitch here or tell you that you're a "bad girlfriend." I'm not in your relationship, every situation is different, but I have been in your position and it is from that perspective that I'm not saying you're wrong to feel emotion and weak (you're wrong if you think I never acted selfishly/impulsively at times) but that you don't have much of a choice but to somewhat suck it up and deal with it until he can be a boyfriend again. I wish I could tell you that it was some other way, but sometimes... it is what it is. :/

[Jessipoo]

I am not blaming you. I am speaking as someone who has been in your exact position, who has dealt with reacting the way you did, and who had to learn how to deal with it in order to keep her relationship. I know very, very well how very draining and miserable it can be (you can even look at some of my very first posts, where I vented about my situation on LFAD and received some of the responses that you're describing), but I also know that the situation is black and white. The situation of one partner being in a deeper/more trying crisis than the other is that you either carry the relationship 100%, and learn how to cope with such a massive burden, or you break-up and go your own separate ways. I wish I could tell you that there's a middle ground, I really do, and maybe there is and I simply didn't find it, but I know that I had to learn to seek happiness in places other than in my relationship until my SO could stand on his own two feet. Not everyone can deal with grief or the stress of someone's crisis, but the situation really is as black and white as you learn how to reassure yourself, how to cope with your own feelings and rely on you/your supports, or you realise you can't deal with that and need someone who's always going to be available, and you leave. Like I am not trying to be some insensitive bitch here or tell you that you're a "bad girlfriend." I'm not in your relationship, every situation is different, but I have been in your position and it is from that perspective that I'm not saying you're wrong to feel emotion and weak (you're wrong if you think I never acted selfishly/impulsively at times) but that you don't have much of a choice but to somewhat suck it up and deal with it until he can be a boyfriend again. I wish I could tell you that it was some other way, but sometimes... it is what it is. :/

Eclaire, the bad gf comment wasn't at you. You've been very understanding and helplful.

With the other deaths, he didn't really mourn much, he just kind of shook it off - he cried a bit when his grandma died though.

I guess I was just bad at adapting at the constant changes. Every time we would try to meet half way, we wouldn't and I'd have to come up with lower standards each time until there was just nothing stable at all.

[Jessipoo]

My sisters (non LDR-ers) are saying that everything is showing signals he just doesn't care about pursuing this or that I'm important anymore. Actions speak louder than words right? He would text the I love yous here and there but less and less and wouldn't always respond to mine or some of my texts (the nices ones, or questions that weren't necessarily about "us"). They say it doesn't get much clearer than that.

That I should have more pride at this point and stop crawling and we both deserve more and it's not worth all this pain and suffering.

That he's unwilling to accept my apology and move on or show signs of any kind. But I'm hanging onto (false?) hope that we spoke for 2 days after the fight (text then phone) and I remained positive and didn't speak about us or problems during those 2 days (all text)

what to do?

[Haley53]

I really think you need to stop dwelling. The situation is either that he's going to contact you or he isn't. He's uninstalled the app you used to talk, he hasn't spoke to you for coming up on two weeks now, you need to come up with your breaking point/the point where you decide you're done with it and when it will be you initiating the break-up. He's either sitting on his decision, not sure of what he wants to do, or perhaps he's pushing you into breaking-up with him so that he doesn't have to do it. There are unfortunately a lot of things that could be the reason for his behaviour, but dwelling is not going to give you an answer. You're obsessing over this, and honestly, it'd be better for you to obsess somewhere like in therapy, where they could professionally help you cope with this situation, since distracting yourself by yourself isn't seeming to do it. I don't mean to continue getting harsher and harsher, but you're asking us something we can't answer. You can't smother him with the situation and you can't smother yourself with it either or else you're going to exhaust yourself into having nothing. :/ It's possible that, yes, this is his way of breaking up with you, but you have to decide the way you want to take it, and honestly, if it's really causing you this much suffering, then maybe you should send a break-up letter. If you genuinely cannot handle this, then I honestly think it's over. Some people can't deal with distance or with having to wait, and that's okay, but pretending to be one of them isn't going to help your case.

[Jessipoo]

Ya i know

[Captivated]

The fact that you acted the way you did when he was going through tremendous stress (even though you, too, were in a bad place) was enough to show him the other side of you. You may say that you've changed and that you realize your faults. But sometimes that isn't enough. I learned that the hard way. I, too, had a very similar situation. And even though I sent a long apology email to my ex, I never heard from him again.

What I did was learned from my mistakes. I vowed to myself I would NEVER act like that again. And then I found my now fiance...I was faced with a similar test. And thankfully I learned from my past mistakes.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe you're just supposed to learn from this and move on. It sucks majorly that it may be a regret...but what's done is done. The damage may be irreparable.

I really do hope after the smoke clears that he will reach out to you. But just keep in the back of your mind that this may, in fact, be over.

Best of luck to you.