I feel like my boyfriend died

[lilymarr]

I'm just new here and this is one of the first posts I read. This is definitely not the community I want to be involved in, cripes..

[redapple]

I'm just new here and this is one of the first posts I read. This is definitely not the community I want to be involved in, cripes..

i suggest you stick around and read some others, not all are as heated i promise!

[Malaga]

Personally, when I respond to your threads Jezah, it's because things you say ring a bell, because several years ago I was saying those same things about my then-boyfriend. He was capable of some of the most romantic gestures, but he was also utterly unreliable and irresponsible on a daily basis. The highs were amazing and the lows were so very low (and frequent). Like you, I thought we were meant to be, that we're bound together by some powerful spell because we just couldn't let go of each other, no matter how many times we'd broken up.

There is more than one parallel I could draw between my ex and your SO - their personalities, living situations and perspectives are entirely similar. But I won't get into that.

What I wanted to say is, and I'm sure I speak on behalf of several other people here as well - when I say things can't go on they way they've been going on and you won't make it with his approach, I'm not saying this because I think bad of either of you, or because "leave him" is the easiest advice to give.
It's just that I've been there. And I know others have too. I know how it goes, and how it ends. I know you think you're unique, but I also thought we were unique, I know you think there is no universal definition of healthy, but there is a pretty universal definition of what can and what cannot work out. Sadly that's something you only become aware of in hindsight.

I have eight years of experience in the kind of relationship you guys are having now. That was seven years too many. So you see, I'm not the giving up type either. It was a celestial cosmic supreme love different than any other - I speak with mockery now, but I really did feel like that back then. We both held on to that feeling for far too long to accept that in all that time we had no relationship foundations to build on. We built nothing. All the flakiness, all the promises broken, all the trust breached, all the hurt, all the excuses. All that removed, we had nothing.

And what do you guys have? When the situation gets tough, you completely disintegrate as a couple and turn on each other. It doesn't even matter if the reasons for bailing out were legit or not. You guys can't even communicate an issue, you make decisions each on your own and throw it at the other one, and then attempt to smooth it out. A million freakishly amazing MFEO moments together can't cancel out the fact as soon as there's an obstacle of any size, you guys hit a brick wall. This may seem harsh but I really don't wish to be mean, I'm just telling it as it is.

I know you guys won't take anything from this, as you're still deep in your cycle. And after all, what does it matter to me how you guys decide to conduct your relationship? But I felt obliged to put it out there. The same story has been played out time and time again, there is nothing unique or dedicated about how you guys are handling it. You may go through the cycle many more times but eventually you will have to face the fact that a love and hate relationship is no relationship at all.

[Haley53]

i suggest you stick around and read some others, not all are as heated i promise!

I agree. I would actually say that a good 99% don't, and it's not fair to judge an entire forum on one thread that has a lot more history than you'd think behind it.

[lilymarr]

Haha phew, must have just been the first one i Clicked on - sorry for spamming it.

[Jezah]

lilymarr, like people said, don't judge by this thread. People here are supportive 99% of the time, unless like now they feel tough love is warranted.

I agree with you Malaga in that we cannot continue as we have been. I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow and one of the first things I will be working on with her is figuring out how to better communicate my needs and wants to HBB. Right now, as evidenced by an argument we literally just had a few hours ago AGAIN, I feel like I am wasting my breath when I talk to HBB. He gets reactive and angry when I get irritated, even if the reason I am irritated makes 100% sense and is 100% valid....and he has lately resorted to saying some pretty despicable things when he does. He is stressed, but honestly we are getting nowhere fast at this rate. One of us has to change the way we communicate and its obvious it is not going to be him. I just hope he will listen when I tell him what the therapist suggests, since before when I mentioned couples therapy while he was here he acted like I was nuts. Its also a matter of a huge thing I cannot change that is killing us, which is his...excuse my french, f*cked up relationship with his dad. That man will never ever be happy no matter how much HBB changes for him, yet HBB does not see it and keeps trying even at my expense.

Point is, I never said me and HBB didn't need to change...we do and we will....or we won't stay together. I know I cannot continue like this

[Haley53]

I am seeing a new therapist tomorrow and one of the first things I will be working on with her is figuring out how to better communicate my needs and wants to HBB.

You actually don't have any idea how delighted I am to hear this. I really do hope that this becomes a turning point. I really do hope that therapy is beneficial, and that this therapist can give you what you need.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Right now, as evidenced by an argument we literally just had a few hours ago AGAIN, I feel like I am wasting my breath when I talk to HBB. He gets reactive and angry when I get irritated, even if the reason I am irritated makes 100% sense and is 100% valid....and he has lately resorted to saying some pretty despicable things when he does. He is stressed, but honestly we are getting nowhere fast at this rate.

This is a textbook example of an unhealthy relationship. Being stressed doesn't give you the right to say "despicable things" to your SO. Snapping at your SO because you're stressed is a sign of immaturity. That's what moody, pubescent tweens do, not adults who are in the military. That kind of nonsense needs to stop.

One of us has to change the way we communicate and its obvious it is not going to be him.

Why not both? He doesn't get to skip out on improving his communication just because he isn't good at it, or he's stressed, or what have you. It takes TWO people with effective communication to carry out a relationship. You could be the best communicator on the planet and your relationship will still have the same issues unless he's also trying to communicate better. We say it over and over on these forums, communication is a two way street. He has to change, too, not just you.

Point is, I never said me and HBB didn't need to change...we do and we will....or we won't stay together. I know I cannot continue like this

You know, a lot of your posts on here have been along the lines of trying to explain that your relationship isn't as bad as it seems, or that the (major) issues you describe are minor, or that you're still sometimes happy together so that means your relationship can still be salvaged. You've tried so long to minimize the issues that you two have. At least finally you recognize that these problems aren't just little blips in an otherwise perfect (you use that word often, which probably attributes to that perception of you) relationship when that just isn't the case.

You said something earlier in this thread that really stood out to me and spoke volumes. You said something along the lines of, "We're still happy from time to time. A happy relationship isn't happy "from time to time". It's happy most of the time, and when it isn't happy, issues can still be resolved amicably and without hurting each other. You can have happy times "from time to time" with pretty much anyone. But wouldn't you want to be happy most or even all the time?

I can't say how much longer this relationship will last. A week? Three months? Even a year? But as long as these issues with communication and respect exist, it will end eventually. Look, you're a writer, right? Quick analogy for you. A relationship is like writing a novel. You can have the best idea for a book ever. But if you can't spell or use proper grammar or create well-rounded characters or write a solid plot, readers won't be able to appreciate the fancy stuff. The spelling and grammar and such here are communication, respect, love. The fundamentals of a relationship, which are the ones that must be established first before you do anything else. Without them, without BOTH of you having them, it's just not going to work out. I'm glad you recognize that your relationship is on shaky ground.

Be honest with yourself. If you realize that the issues will never change....will you actually leave him? I truly hope for your sake that the answer is yes.

[floridaellen]

You said something earlier in this thread that really stood out to me and spoke volumes. You said something along the lines of, "We're still happy from time to time. A happy relationship isn't happy "from time to time". It's happy most of the time, and when it isn't happy, issues can still be resolved amicably and without hurting each other. You can have happy times "from time to time" with pretty much anyone. But wouldn't you want to be happy most or even all the time?

I can't say how much longer this relationship will last. A week? Three months? Even a year? But as long as these issues with communication and respect exist, it will end eventually. Look, you're a writer, right? Quick analogy for you. A relationship is like writing a novel. You can have the best idea for a book ever. But if you can't spell or use proper grammar or create well-rounded characters or write a solid plot, readers won't be able to appreciate the fancy stuff. The spelling and grammar and such here are communication, respect, love. The fundamentals of a relationship, which are the ones that must be established first before you do anything else. Without them, without BOTH of you having them, it's just not going to work out. I'm glad you recognize that your relationship is on shaky ground.

This is an excellent analogy.

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned in this thread already (I read it all but at different times so I'm not sure) but has HBB thought about therapy just for him? With his difficult relationship with his dad, it could be helpful. Both of you need to work on yourselves. A relationship is a two way street. If it has been mentioned, then disregard this haha.

Good luck with your therapy - I really think it will be good for both your relationship and your life in general!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You actually don't have any idea how delighted I am to hear this. I really do hope that this becomes a turning point. I really do hope that therapy is beneficial, and that this therapist can give you what you need.

I second this. You've had a lot of tough love here, to say the least. I'm so happy that you're actively helping yourself. *applauds, waves supportive banners*

[kteire]

I agree with Shepard-Fowkes about the fact that it can't just be you that works on communication. If you're willing to admit that you've had issues communicating with him effectively, and take steps to change that, it's completely unfair of him to not do the same for you. The effort needs to be 50/50, and you don't have to settle for someone who won't strive for that. I know you love him, but you deserve better than what he's giving you, and if he doesn't step up to the plate, that's a big red flag for me.

As someone with an overbearing father, I know that he won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until he has one with himself. He needs to be selfish in the relationship with his dad, and get the hell out. That's not normal, not healthy (as you know!), and severely damages a person's self-love and self-respect. Something needs to change in that relationship before he can be the sort of boyfriend that you need, and it's up to him to make that change.

[digitalfever]

How the *bleep* does that make me a drama queen? Sorry but that really irritated me! I said I felt like my boyfriend died because everything I knew about HBB changed in a blink of an eye, and maybe it was because I was being blind for so long...but really? If you come on this board to label people than I think that speaks volumes of YOU. Thanks for all your helpful input, which consisted of you essentially reading my whole thread and then deciding at the end that insulting me was the best course of action.

That said, and let me be clear that was directed only at digitalfever since at least the rest of you who called or insinuated I was a drama queen actually offered advice/something remotely helpful as well...me and HBB are not back together and I am going to slowly start dating other men if only to assure myself that there are other options. We are friends, but he lost my trust and knows he may never be able to win it back. He did do what he did because he honestly felt he had to in order to assure us the best future, but I cannot and do not want a man who thinks hurting me for the 'greater good' is worth it.

My actual answer wasn’t to attack you. You were upset that people were targeting you as a drama queen and I tried to point out that the title of your thread, the letter you wanted to send the way you were chronicling your argument was in fact dramatic and that because of your actions that people might think you were a drama queen.

I really don’t think there is anything more to say but I will put my two cents in. I don’t go out of my way to hurt people. Many of the times we all stumble with a situation; many of you may have seen my thread back in March. We’ve all had our fair share of arguments, petty moments, overreactions and miscommunications. Such is life and I feel like everyone is entitled to an off day or two or even an off month if they need it.