I feel like my boyfriend died

[Dziubka]

Stop being so dramatic. All your posts here read like Russian novels. How many times have you posted about some minor situation that you've blown up into signs of The End? You act like what he did today came as a total shock. But you just posted yesterday that you feared he would do this! You knew it was in him, and what's more this isn't the first time his parents have swayed his choices. To anyone who has followed your posts this year, his actions are completely in character. The question is, why do you have such trouble admitting that?

You guys have posted about being excited by fighting, you have constant crossed wires on communication, you admit to breaking up with your SO whenever things don't go your way, and you continually paint yourself as a victim. The one common thread in all this is that you seem to thrive on drama. You look for things to get upset over the declare the relationship cannot recover, only to get back together with him.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but this situation is as much your making as it is his, and the really sad thing is you'll probably never see your part in it and so will not learn anything from it.

I don't mean to be harsh, but other people here are being kind because you're hurting, and they aren't doing you any favors by pretending this is all HHB'S fault (btw, if you want him to act like a man, stop calling him a boy). You are you're own worst enemy. You're dating a flake and a coward who for some reason allows himself to be pushed around by his parents. That doesn't make him a horrible person, but you've known this about him for awhile, so you're at fault for ignoring who he really is in favor of building up some perfect version of who you wanted him to be. The only thing that died today was the false image you held of him.

I'm sure you'll take this entire message as an attack, and that's too bad, because I'm a former drama queen and I've made the same mistakes. But still, here is my best advice: Learn that drama doesn't equal passion and is usually a relationship killer, stop building people into heroes and relationships into romance novels, and stop with the games. And for goodness sake, start being accountable for your own happiness.

Hope you feel better soon.

I feel that it says something about this forum that you get like 8 Reps for this, but hardly anyone speaks up in the thread...

I agree with this completely and you worded it really well. Thank you so much.


My own little comment:

I feel really hurt, because all this time I relied on one thing, knowing you. I thought I knew you inside
and out, upside down and rightside up...then today you did something that does not fit with anything I know
of you. If someone had told me you did this, I would laugh and tell them they had the wrong person.

I think most of us, who don't even know your SO at all, would agree that it fits with everything we know of him. I'm not surprised at all. It has been obvious all the time that he was not able to stand up for you or even himself.
Remember that you made a post about how you might break up because of his dad? There have been sooooo many red flags there, even with the parents issue alone it's like a forrest of red flags. I know you're going to say we only know half the story and we don't know how he can be and all that, but really we know enough. There's no amount of love, care or whatever that can balance out the things that you told us about.

We trusted each other, and we were so fucking PERFECT. Now that will never ever be
again, even if we stay together, this piece of me...the trusting part, is broken forever. I will never trust
anyone again, especially not you.

Do yourself (and us and your ex) a favor and stop gloryfing your relationship. If you had been perfect, you wouldn't have the problems you have right now.
It's ok to be sad and upset, take your time for it. Be nice to yourself, but don't let this affect any future relationships you might have.

[lucybelle]

I feel that it says something about this forum that you get like 8 Reps for this, but hardly anyone speaks up in the thread...

I agree with this completely and you worded it really well. Thank you so much.

I agree. I was just going to stay out of this messy situation. No amount of sympathy or advice is going to help this toxic relationship.

[Malaga]

I agree. I was just going to stay out of this messy situation. No amount of sympathy or advice is going to help this toxic relationship.

The thing is, most of the insight you could give has already been repeated ad nauseam in all the other threads Jezah posted. She never followed any of it and argued we just didn't understand what a mega cosmic passionate love this was. We could do nothing more than witness the car crash. I feel bad for her because she's genuinely hurt. But it's good someone worded it so directly. It's like this relationship exposed the worst in both of them.

I predict this is not the end of it and there'll be more drama coming out of this, but I certainly hope I'm wrong.

[WakeUpSusie]

Stop being so dramatic. All your posts here read like Russian novels. How many times have you posted about some minor situation that you've blown up into signs of The End? You act like what he did today came as a total shock. But you just posted yesterday that you feared he would do this! You knew it was in him, and what's more this isn't the first time his parents have swayed his choices. To anyone who has followed your posts this year, his actions are completely in character. The question is, why do you have such trouble admitting that?

You guys have posted about being excited by fighting, you have constant crossed wires on communication, you admit to breaking up with your SO whenever things don't go your way, and you continually paint yourself as a victim. The one common thread in all this is that you seem to thrive on drama. You look for things to get upset over the declare the relationship cannot recover, only to get back together with him.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but this situation is as much your making as it is his, and the really sad thing is you'll probably never see your part in it and so will not learn anything from it.

I don't mean to be harsh, but other people here are being kind because you're hurting, and they aren't doing you any favors by pretending this is all HHB'S fault (btw, if you want him to act like a man, stop calling him a boy). You are you're own worst enemy. You're dating a flake and a coward who for some reason allows himself to be pushed around by his parents. That doesn't make him a horrible person, but you've known this about him for awhile, so you're at fault for ignoring who he really is in favor of building up some perfect version of who you wanted him to be. The only thing that died today was the false image you held of him.

I'm sure you'll take this entire message as an attack, and that's too bad, because I'm a former drama queen and I've made the same mistakes. But still, here is my best advice: Learn that drama doesn't equal passion and is usually a relationship killer, stop building people into heroes and relationships into romance novels, and stop with the games. And for goodness sake, start being accountable for your own happiness.

Hope you feel better soon.

THIS. WORD FOR WORD.

Please break up with him, Jezah. He is bad news.

[Yaaamiii]

Whoa. o_o; That letter was a bit over the top, no? I know you're hurting, and if you wrote the letter to make yourself feel better, as a way of venting, then fine. But reading that to him will only make him defensive and start arguing. If/when he reacts that way, it isn't going to help your relationship, it'll make it worse =/.

The thing is, most of the insight you could give has already been repeated ad nauseam in all the other threads Jezah posted. She never followed any of it and argued we just didn't understand what a mega cosmic passionate love this was. We could do nothing more than witness the car crash. I feel bad for her because she's genuinely hurt. But it's good someone worded it so directly. It's like this relationship exposed the worst in both of them.

Yup yup. After those posts, all we could say was that we wish Jezah the best and that we're sorry she's hurting, because people have given as much advice as they could =(. I feel there was little advice left to give that would be welcomed.

I really am sorry you're hurting. I hope you find peace at the end of your storm =(. Know that no one on LFAD was trying to attack you, we're just the outsiders looking in, so it's easier to not be biased.

[Zapookie]

The letter is OK to write and get your feelings out, but I don't think you should read it to him. He is just going to get defensive and you're just going to start fighting again.

Just tell him that you feel like things have changed and you don't think you can do this anymore.

Leave it at that. No need for the Shakespearean monologue.

[Jezah]

I see where a lot of you were coming from, and yes HBB had shown in the past a certain spineless nature but it was never ever to this degree, and never directed so hurtfully at me. So in that way it WAS out of character for the man I knew. I feel like all the times he showed cowardice before this were minor, and this was a huge leap from minor. It was also the way he delivered it, and kept it going with stringing promises and breaking them over and over.

I will not defend him on this, he knows what he did and he knows he lost a huge part of this relationship doing it. We are not back together, however we are talking and spending time as 'friends' or as much as we can be. We are still in love with each other, deeply, but this is something I do not honestly know if I can ever get over or forgive. I am giving it time though, to see if the wound will heal and if maybe in the future I can wrap my mind around it.

That said, I think I was very much so misunderstood on this forum if you all think I am 'dramatic'. I do not aim to be so and frankly hate drama, its one of the first issues I had with HBB was his families opinions and actions towards us were causing drama and I hated it. I felt we were adults and we could honestly do without the pressure and back and forth of his friends and family manipulations and thinly veiled attempts to put me and our relationship down. However I did end up putting up with it and perhaps that was a mistake, but I was deeply and strongly in love.

That is the other point, I love strongly, sometimes too strongly. I take a while to fall hard but when I do its almost like I emotionally marry the man in my mind, meaning I do not call it quits easily. I want to sometimes, so badly that I post that I am going to on here hoping if somehow I put it down in type it will give me the strength to pull away. Yet usually it fails when I get over the anger and hurt and see how much I would honestly miss HBB if I did call it quits. We have a ridiculously good time together 99% of the time, its just that when we do fight our stubborn natures and my tendency to get very insulting and vicious when I get scared lead to the fights escalating into a beast that seems to have a mind of its own. Then comes pride, neither of us want to back down and concede that we were wrong. It is a bad bad cycle, but only very recently did I even admit to HBB that my insults and anger almost always come from fear. I get scared he will hurt me, or leave me and I put up this wall of anger that somehow makes me feel more secure. I only admitted it because I only realized it myself recently and last fight before this one I actually diffused it by flat out saying "Stop. I am being insulting and you are retaliating, but its making this so much worse because all I really want to say is 'Please stop acting like this because its scaring me'". So as opposed to us getting worse with our fights we had made major headway...then this.

As far as my letter being 'too much' or 'Shakespearean'...well, I am a writer and so is HBB. Its how we met actually, on a cooperative writing site. So maybe not all guys or all girls even would appreciate the intense way it was written, but HBB did. He cried, because he knows those words were literally me pouring out my writers heart (which leans a bit towards the poetic) to him. You can say "no couple is perfect" but me and HBB were when things were good. Our minds matched each others perfectly, we thought alike and made each other laugh so hard it hurt. We had flaws maybe, but we loved each other flaws. So in that way we were perfect for each other...until HBB did this and betrayed me...and even that was because it was his father's influence, trying to change HBB into him. HBB himself, the one I fell for was still perfect for me...but this new version with lots of his dad (who is far from a pro at relationships himself) added in wasn't.

So thats my peace, think what you will, but know I think the label of 'drama queen' is not one fitting of me in anyway.

[Sharon Q]

I know I havent been active near as much here, so I don't know all the background of the two of you.

I will say that what he did was very hurtful and would have been for anyone. You have my sympathy.
I am glad to hear he liked the letter. I will say it came off to me as dramatic, but what is dramatic for one is not for another.
For me and my partner something like that would have been over the top, however for you and HBB it wasnt which is a good thing. I am glad you got to extend your true feeling about the situation to him.

I think the best thing the two of you can do now is stay friends, and work on rebuilding the trust. I would also suggest that you talk to him more about being honest and sticking up for your relationship, not being swaded by opinions as this appears to be a big issue that needs to be worked on.

I don't have much advice left, but I do hope this helped. Take care, and good luck with things -hugs-

[Yaaamiii]

That said, I think I was very much so misunderstood on this forum if you all think I am 'dramatic'. I do not aim to be so and frankly hate drama, its one of the first issues I had with HBB was his families opinions and actions towards us were causing drama and I hated it. I felt we were adults and we could honestly do without the pressure and back and forth of his friends and family manipulations and thinly veiled attempts to put me and our relationship down. However I did end up putting up with it and perhaps that was a mistake, but I was deeply and strongly in love.

In all seriousness, at least for what you said here, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly.

[Rugger]

sweetie, he's never going to change. Ever. You need to end it.

[Carenza LaRue]

it's not the way to treat a lady...

I am so sorry.... he might come up with a good explanation later on, but it really isn't how us girls want to be treated right?
if he does it to you now, he will be doing it in the future... think about it....

be strong!

[Honeypie]

I think this is a case of you wanted us to tell you what you wanted to hear & we haven't done that. We have given you our honest opinion & we gave you some advice. We are outsiders looking in on all the information you have given us, we only know what we've been told & we only have 1 side.

Good Luck

[Malaga]

Oh Jezah. Have you read the book/ seen the film Prozac Nation?

[XxFranticLovexX]

My ex made promises too. Said he would change and stop insinuating as many arguments. Pretty much promised all of the things that I wanted and hoped for only to let me down over and over again.
I loved the man, still do in a sense, as we were together around 5 years and we're friends now, but I couldn't stay with him knowing that he was going to continue being like that. It eventually went from small things, to larger things, broken promises, to the point that I only believed what he said when he actually did it. It never got better, only worse. I'm not going to tell you to end things with him because I know how difficult it can be. I held onto my relationship for about a year after I noticed it falling apart just to try to save it. A year of mainly heartache because even though there were good times, they were far outnumbered by the bad. By the time things ended we were having arguments over basically nothing at least every other day. It's really not worth it.

It took talking to a friend about the situation to see it for what it really was. A failing attempt at being happy and being pretty much miserable in the process. Every time something would go wrong I would talk to that friend about it (they talked to me about their relationships as well, it wasn't one sided or anything). When things ended it was pretty much mutual, though I initiated it, and it started out as a 'break' to see if we could work things out. Nothing changed. It seemed a little better and slightly 'sugar coated' for a little while, but then the same things emerged again. That's when I called it quits completely.

My point here is that while, yes, a relationship comes with ups and downs, you have to see it for what it really is. Sometimes your love for one another isn't enough to get over the bad parts of a relationship. Some people just grow apart or aren't as compatible in a relationship as they once thought they were, and that's perfectly fine. Just do what's best for you and your happiness. If your relationship is causing you more hurt and stress than happiness then you really need to sit down and reconsider the situation.

My ex and I are still friends. We get along great as friends (most days), we see each other daily, and we have a good time together. We just didn't seem to get along as a couple anymore and now I don't really see myself as ever being with him as more than friends again (I'm a 'never say never' type person, so I'm not saying 'never'. I'm just saying as of how things are now).

[digitalfever]

So thats my peace, think what you will, but know I think the label of 'drama queen' is not one fitting of me in anyway.

You titled your thread "I feel like my boyfriend died" when he is very much alive. I think that speaks volumes.