Case closed... finally

[alesitag]

Well... this is the season finale. My last update on my now non-existent LDR, though I will stick around and keep posting when I feel like I have something to say or an advice to give, because I really love this community

As you all read on a previous thread, after Pat called it quits, I had been dating "A", who used to be my boyfriend back when I met Pat. As you may also remember, we had certain troubles and I broke up with him, then started my LDR.

Also, Pat also had messaged me telling me all these things that made my heart and mind go nuts for a while, but never asked me to be back together.

After those messages I cut him off, but missing him got even worse. Seriously, I thought of him 24/7, even while being with "A". I remember sharing kisses, cuddles and a bit more with "A" and thinking how it would be with Pat instead (I know, pretty crazy and really unhealthy). "A" and I got back together on June 9 (the same day I should be flying to London according to the original plan), and still there was Pat in the back of my head, all the time.

So one day I couldn't stand it anymore and started messaging Pat again but he didn't replied. I know that was a really unhealthy behavior and it was wrong... again, it only hurt me and him even more. "A" had also noticed I wasn't 100% into our "new relationship", I was emotionally distant and he talked to me about it. He knew it was because of "the Canadian" but I ensured him everything between us was OK and he had nothing to worry about since Pat was part of my past and I didn't have feelings for him anymore (I know, I know... LIAR!!), that it was just me being a little depressed. I lied and I'm ashamed about it, there's no way to justify my actions.

The next morning I messaged Pat. He replied even though he really didn't want to. I dropped the bomb: I apologized for my behavior for the past few days (the messages and emails) and I told him I'd block him for a while, the reason: I got back with "A"... Pat was on fire.

He said really mean things to me and I probably deserved each and every single one of them. He said he saw it coming when I told him "A" was back in the picture. He said he didn't want to know anything about me ever again, he wouldn't talk to me again and I shouldn't contact him either, no messages, no emails, nothing.

He wished me "good luck with that douche bag", he asked me to go away and back with my abusive boyfriend... he said he didn't know me anymore because in an instant I got back to the same sh*t and problems I had before. That I had given up and given in... seriously, with that last line all I could think was "What the F*ck?!?!?!? I didn't give up, you did!!"

I kept apologizing and I told him the only man I'd rather be with couldn't be with me. He kept cursing and asking rhetorically how could he block me or delete me (pretty easy thing to do, everybody knows how to block and delete people off MSN, so that kinda tells me he really didn't want to do it). I finally said I would leave him alone and so I did. He didn't block me or delete me at all and though I did block him I still could see him being online.

I was feeling like crap, but again, what was I expecting after all this non-sense, right? So I tried to keep busy, I started going to the gym and had been working like crazy, but nothing seemed to distract me from thinking about Pat.

Then, last Monday something happened. I went out with "A" and when I got back home, long story short, I got into a fight with my brother and it got physical. He hit me and I was feeling so distressed, overwhelmed and over all, embarrassed. I wanted to talk to someone but none of my closest friends were online and it was really late. "A" was online, but since he lives literally a minute away from me I knew he'd come over and make it a bigger deal. The only other person online I trusted to that level was Pat, and so I messaged him even though I had promised to myself I wouldn't contact him EVER again. I just wanted someone to comfort me, but what happened left me speechless.

So I messaged him saying my brother had hit me and that I was feeling awful. That I knew I promised not to contact him but I didn't know who to talk to and that I swore it was the last time I'd message him.

He said he was sorry but he didn't know what to say, that it was terrible but that I shouldn't talk to him. He told me to call "A" instead, that me going back with "A" was just like him going back to his ex just because he didn't get what he wanted or because he chose to settle and that it made him feel sad about me. He said I'd always find a reason to message him and that I had always been that way, kind of implying I was making it all up.

I apologized for contacting him, ensured him I wasn't making things up just to talk to him. He said there was nothing I could say that would make him take back what he had said and think, he didn't want to know about me EVER again, that he could be cold like that... that he had to.

After that I just dropped my iPod and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I was feeling even more miserable and I found an email from him he sent about an hour and a half after we stopped talking. He was apologizing for the way he treated me, that he should have asked if I was ok. He said he's an @sshole and that was another reason why he didn't deserve me. I thanked him for his apology, admitted it was a mistake talking to him and wished him a life full with happiness and love. He finally said it wasn't a mistake, but he wished things had gone differently between us and i said I did to. End of story.

I'm sorry about the long post, but I have learned more in these last days than in my whole life. I just wish I had been wiser right from the start. I wish I hadn't made so many mistakes and I wish I hadn't been so weak I was unable follow your advice to cut him off completely.

Now I see I have the opportunity to start over with "A". He's been great, sweet, caring, loving and I owe him a fair chance. I'm moving on, I just wish I didn't have to put us into such a big drama.

[Haley53]

If you have to lie about A about your feelings for Pat, some hurtful words from Pat aren't going to be the solution to your happiness from A.

Most people who have trouble cutting contact find reasons to come to their exes - it doesn't mean or imply that you were making it up - and calling A and asking him to respect your decision to simply let you talk and figure out what to do on your own probably would have been the better decision, simply because there wouldn't have been as many raw wounds involved. Maybe it's me, but I don't think Pat was an asshole for not wanting to talk to someone when his heart is broken, too; it doesn't matter that he broke it off, for whatever reason, because the hurt is still going to be there, and having someone come to you with a problem after they want nothing to do with you any other time... It adds insult to injury, it really does.

With that said, you say you wish you'd listened to the forum about actually cutting off contact, then you should also listen to the forum about A. It would be one thing if you didn't have feelings for Pat or if you didn't hurt. There was about a month between dating my ex and SO and about four and a half between the break-up and getting together officially with my current SO, with whom I have an incredibly strong relationship, so I'm not going to tout recovery times, but there was also absolutely no feeling left with my ex whatsoever. The day we decided to break-up and the day I decided to cut him out of my life completely, there was absolutely no feeling there. We broke up for about a day, and that's where the feeling had been. After that, nothing went back to the way it'd been before and I'd felt in the months between the summer break-up and our actual break-up, we became friends. Breaking up was more a loss of friendship than a relationship. But you don't have that here. You still have raw, gaping wounds over Pat that are never going to heal up by using A. You are going to prolong the healing time of those wounds and possibly create a more destructive, painful environment with A based on how vulnerable you are and are going to be. Using A as a rebound isn't going to make the pain of Pat go away. Securing a rebound relationship isn't going to make moving on from Pat easier. It's almost inevitably going to end up in heartbreak, where you're left with neither Pat nor A, and while some people need to go through that devestating process, it is honestly something that can be avoided if you take the time to heal to begin with. You're playing with fire, and it's unlikely you're going to keep from getting burned.

Honestly, I would consider taking the time to be you and to be single for a while.

[alesitag]

If you have to lie about A about your feelings for Pat, some hurtful words from Pat aren't going to be the solution to your happiness from A

Yes, i know that, lies are not acceptable, i cant stand them myself and yet, i lied. Whatever Pat said, he was entitled to say it.

Most people who have trouble cutting contact find reasons to come to their exes - it doesn't mean or imply that you were making it up - and calling A and asking him to respect your decision to simply let you talk and figure out what to do on your own probably would have been the better decision, simply because there wouldn't have been as many raw wounds involved.

I know I didnt make the best decision there, but i wasnt thinking straight. Im not a violent person, and knowing i let it get to the point of being hit and pushed was embarrassing. All i could think of was having someone to talk to, someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. "A" had told me years ago, after having a really nasty argument with my brother, that if he ever hurt me physically, he'd beat the crap out of him without a doubt.

Maybe it's me, but I don't think Pat was an asshole for not wanting to talk to someone when his heart is broken, too; it doesn't matter that he broke it off, for whatever reason, because the hurt is still going to be there, and having someone come to you with a problem after they want nothing to do with you any other time... It adds insult to injury, it really does.

Yes, i realized it and thats why i apologized back. I recognize it was my mistake contacting him and not respecting his decision. We were both emotionally drained and this is just an example of it.

You still have raw, gaping wounds over Pat that are never going to heal up by using A. You are going to prolong the healing time of those wounds and possibly create a more destructive, painful environment with A based on how vulnerable you are and are going to be. Using A as a rebound isn't going to make the pain of Pat go away. Securing a rebound relationship isn't going to make moving on from Pat easier. It's almost inevitably going to end up in heartbreak, where you're left with neither Pat nor A, and while some people need to go through that devestating process, it is honestly something that can be avoided if you take the time to heal to begin with. You're playing with fire, and it's unlikely you're going to keep from getting burned.

Honestly, I would consider taking the time to be you and to be single for a while.

Ive thought of this too. I was afraid i was using A to get over Pat, and i might have been doing it when we started seeing each other again.

Wednesday night A came over and we had "the talk" again. As he kept talking and making really good points about our relationship and my recent behavior and i saw the kind of man i want.

I can honestly say, yesterday was the day i started writing a new chapter of my life though it may seem too soon.

[Zapookie]

I just want to say as well that I think you need to give yourself time. It doesn't really work, to use someone else as a means of getting over another.

I had developed a close relationship with another person online, while I was still friends with my current SO. After that relationship had ended, it took me about 6 or 7 months to figure out what it was that I wanted. I also wanted to be completely sure that I had let go of any emotional ties to that other person, before entering into a new relationship, because that wouldn't have been fair to my SO.

I came into this relationship with a clear head and a clear heart. It was the only way that I could give us a solid foundation to start building upon.

Maybe it could be something you keep in mind, that you might want to give it a try. It's difficult to keep moving forward when you've got a bunch of baggage weighing you down.

[Haley53]

Well that's immature. o.O So he couldn't act like an adult even when his girlfriend would have needed someone to talk to? Not sure since when the willingness to "beat the shit out of somebody" became an attractive character trait. I don't mean to be rude. It simply rubs me the wrong way that he can't be there for someone he claims to love because he can't have enough self-control to do nothing more than talk. That lack of self-control and forethought is something that has always concerned me, when it comes to mates.

That being said, you can say all you want, but in the end, there is so much hurt and baggage surrounding this issue with Pat, and the very idea of Pat, that I... can't believe you have a clear head and a clear picture of what you want in someone. :/ There's a reason people recommend taking time after the end of a messy relationship or messy divorce. There's a reason people recommend using that time to work through your emotions when you come out of it hurting and with baggage. Like I said, it's not the time in between the relationships, because I do think it's possible for people to work through things quickly (in my case, I have very little baggage left over from my ex, but I was never in love with him, and our relationship became dead to me about four months before we finally called it off [would have been called off in the summer, but I had already booked my ticket]), but it's the way that yours ended and was called off: with hurt, lots and lots and lots of hurt.

When there is hurt, that is the signal that there is something going on that needs to be processed, and jumping immediately into the arms of another man under the idea that he's your "ideal man" is, well, not processing. Quite frankly, there's a reason you broke up with A, got with Pat, and decided Pat treated you so much better than your ex, and now you're claiming that your ex is your ideal man? You're never going to find your "ideal man" if you relationship hop and don't allow yourself to do the scary thing of being single and healing. If A is really your ideal man, then he's going to be there at the end of however many months you need to sort your head and clear it out, but my opinion is that he's more convenient than ideal. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but I have seen friends rebound, I have seen my mother rebound, and I have seen people do it who were over their partners and thought they found their ideal mate but who were not over the pain. I saw none of them succeed. The ones who took what time they needed, or the ones who had already worked through it, are the ones who are now in successful relationships.

I think if you keep having to have "the talk" with A then that's another sign that you're not ready. That talk shouldn't even be a part of a new relationship with anyone, assuming the talk refers to A wanting to talk to you about any potential feelings left over for Pat etc. etc. I don't think that you're ready for this relationship. Not too long ago you were posting long, painful threads. That pain does not go away in a month. That pain does not go away between yesterday and the conversation you had with Pat the night before. The healing starts now, with Pat cut out, and it starts with you, not with A. If you enter this relationship, it is very unlikely to last or be stable, and you will not work through any of the pain of Pat or improve yourself or your ideal at all; whenever people get immersed in these situations, they need to be prepared for repeating problems of the past.

[alesitag]

Well that's immature. o.O So he couldn't act like an adult even when his girlfriend would have needed someone to talk to? Not sure since when the willingness to "beat the shit out of somebody" became an attractive character trait. I don't mean to be rude. It simply rubs me the wrong way that he can't be there for someone he claims to love because he can't have enough self-control to do nothing more than talk. That lack of self-control and forethought is something that has always concerned me, when it comes to mates.

oops... I guess part of the message got lost somewhere, damn iPod. Yes, that's what he said years ago and why I wouldn't tell him in the first place. In the end, I told him what happened and his reaction was far from that. He said it was wrong and I should have told him so he could pick me up and take me somewhere else for the night if I wanted to or at least just talk about it and be there for me.

When there is hurt, that is the signal that there is something going on that needs to be processed, and jumping immediately into the arms of another man under the idea that he's your "ideal man" is, well, not processing. Quite frankly, there's a reason you broke up with A, got with Pat, and decided Pat treated you so much better than your ex, and now you're claiming that your ex is your ideal man?

I never said A was my ideal man. I know what I want in a man, and I really don't like the concept of "ideal man" at all. What I meant was I started seeing in A the kind of things I want in a man and while I had always seen in him some of those, some others he never really showed or made any effort (to my eyes) to build them as he grew up.

I'm sorry if that's harsh, but I have seen friends rebound, I have seen my mother rebound, and I have seen people do it who were over their partners and thought they found their ideal mate but who were not over the pain. I saw none of them succeed. The ones who took what time they needed, or the ones who had already worked through it, are the ones who are now in successful relationships.

Yes, you have a point. I don't want this to be a rebound, I care too much about A and I owe him something better than that, and that's why I talked to him and we're taking it REALLY slow. We're taking it day by day, no pressure, making sure this is what we both want to avoid getting hurt again. Actually, that last (final) talk about Pat and my feelings for him was quite good. This time I was 100% honest with A about everything. I was ready for him to leave knowing what he knew, but he didn't.

Regarding the pain, well... it is going away now and it is not so much pain from the break up now as it is from knowing Pat's situation regarding his habits and lifestyle. There was something he told me during one of our last post-breakup conversations that really hit me and that started the healing process I guess... He said he was sorry for putting me through all this pain, but he never fully tried. That's it. He loved me, he wanted a relationship with me, but he wasn't willing to put any effort on it.

I don't know if any of these made any sense, maybe I'm just rambling, but again, thanks for your opinions and advice... trust me, I have them in mind and