Ashamed of it, buut...I'm jealous!

[HeartInTexas]

So about 2 nights ago, I was enjoying a phone call with my SO around midnight as usual. Suddenly, his roommate comes in and says something like, "So hey is that thing with your friend something urgent? She made it sound like it's happening like right away," And then they started chatting about my SO picking her up and dropping her off at their apartment, how she would be alone for a bit but can use my SO's computer etc. Immediately, I was curious.

So I wait a few seconds to see if my SO mentions anything about it himself. When he didn't say anything about it, I went ahead and just asked him. He said he was just going to pick up his friend and drop her off at his apartment. That's about it. I was just kind of like, "Oh..."

Then the day after that...I text him as usual for the day, and he lets me know he's picking up his friend. So later he goes to work, and I play around on the computer as usual. Around night time, I saw my SO appear "Online" on Steam. I texted him jokingly saying his computer necro'd again. He replied saying, "It's probably my friend," and so I replied with, "She's still there that late?" Then he tells me, "Yeah for 8 days." And I just...felt so irritated. Not only is a girl staying with him and just hanging around his room and spending a bunch of what little free time he has...but the way I found out was just...Ugh! I do not like it!

Before I move on...She is staying for 8 days because of something with her apartment manager going on. It was kind of loud so I couldn't hear him explain it so well.

Moving on now...I am hurt and annoyed because it feels like he wasn't even planning on telling me. Whether it be so I don't have my feelings hurt or he just didn't think it was important, it annoys me. I guess I'm also annoyed that he didn't think of asking if I would mind. Not that I own him and not that he shouldn't do things just because of what I say, but it's more about wanting him to want me to feel secure and happy. If that makes sense? I guess feel like he was insensitive to my feelings, and it kind of hurts. I know he's a very simple guy, so he probably didn't even bother to think of any of it. Still, I'm hurt.

Whenever I see his Steam account logged in, it reminds me that she's using his computer and just being there in general and...that annoys me too. I feel like I'm being possessive, territorial, and overprotective. I don't know how to get over it though. All I know is that I'm very frustrated. I feel really silly for being jealous of this girl, especially when I'm still getting our nightly phone calls. But it's like...just her presence there makes me angry!

I guess I'm also bothered because he is friends with a lot of girls who claim they are in love with him, have crushes on him, etc. I don't know if she's one of many girls who likes him, but once she told him, "I need to come visit you soon! I need my quality Luke time!" Which was annoying to me. I guess it's not necessarily flirtatious, but it still bugs me somehow.

I'm also curious as to why she would pick to stay with 3 guys (my SO and his 2 roommates)? Maybe I'm silly for thinking that though, since I stayed there too. However, I only stayed with 3 guys since my SO is one of them. Maybe she didn't have a choice? Maybe she doesn't have other friends? I know that I myself only have a guy friend's house to stay at if I had to. Still seems like an odd choice.

I really feel like just blowing up. I'm on Skype with him right now having a call, and she just waltzes on in and dominates the entire conversation, leaving no room for me to talk. Her voice is so irritating to me.

I feel like maybe because she's basically getting to do a lot of things I did when I visited him, that it makes me...dislike her more? Or something along those lines?

So I guess I'm not really sure what I should do? I know it's bad to be jealous, but it's not like I do it on purpose. It's an awful feeling. I don't feel like she's going to steal him or anything, I just feel "territorial" I think is the best way to describe it? I'm not positive what my problem really is. I'm confused, embarrassed, and frustrated! Whatever speculations or ideas are welcomed.

Thanks to those who read!

[Haley53]

I'm not sure. I can't say I've had this experience, but I can see where I'd feel a bit... meh, about it if I did. I know when his friend's New Years party pictures were posted, among several of them was one with him and one of his girl friends (they weren't even touching/that close together ) and it took me a moment to not see green about it. Even if it was fleeting, the feeling was still there. My boyfriend often describes it as "boyfriend instinct." He realises he trusts me and is experiencing what will be a passing insecurity, but it's there. I feel it's almost human to experience it at some point.

I think what you need to focus on, however, is that it takes two to tango. Whether she harbours secret feelings for him or not, nothing's going to get by him that he doesn't allow. He's committed to you, he's in love with you, and he wants you, and as a result, he's likely merely helping out a friend and nothing more; I imagine if she tried anything, he'd be friendly, but stern enough with her that she realised he was serious about you. Sometimes we have to lay down the law, so to speak, in our relationship with other people who nudge at the boundaries a bit, and it happens to the best of us. Doesn't mean that we're more or less likely to cheat. His commitment to you isn't going to waver because he's helping out a friend for a week, and that's assuming she'd even try (in my experience, I've known fewer girls who do try than ones who don't).

I imagine I'd feel a bit irritated, however, if she started interfering with our Skype calls. I would also feel upset that he didn't tell me. Both are things I would bring up with him. I wouldn't bring them up confrontationally and I wouldn't let every single feeling spill - at least not while she's there; I've found that sometimes, jealousy can be fun to joke about during the aftermath. Making a joke like "phew, I was worried I wouldn't make it through that week. I must be crazy about you if you can make me that jealous " is a way of opening it up to conversation but also passively accepting responsibility for the almost sillyness of the situation. I would, however, bring up to him how you feel a bit bothered when she interrupts your Skype conversations because even though you realise she's only there for 8 days, that's still your time with him. Tell him you know he's helping out a friend, and you understand she's there/will take some of his time, but your Skype calls are for you and it makes it feel a little bit compromised when she comes in and tries to have a conversation too. I don't think it's wrong to ask him to kick her out for an hour or two while you guys Skype. There are, after all, two other people she can talk to/get to know. I would also tell him, gently, that you would like him to tell you about things like this in the future. Don't do it while she's there, in case there's a discussion about it, but after she leaves, there's nothing wrong with saying, "hey, I know it probably slipped your mind, but I really didn't like having to hear that she was staying for so long from a friend. You think you could give me a heads up next time if it happens again? Just so I'm prepared/not caught off guard when it's mentioned? " It's light hearted and still gets your point across.

If you can't tell, I have learned to approach my jealousy, when it happens, from a more light hearted and jokey sort of angle, and it has actually made jealousy or insecurity an emotion that's easier talked about in my relationship as a result.

[Zephii]

It's normal to be jealous, and you seem to be handling it really well, so don't beat yourself up about it.

I'd be weird-ed out if Obi had done this to me. The fact she's staying for 8 days, and he never bought it up to you even in passing before she got there is just... yeah I don't know, but I'd have an issue with it.

You need to talk to him about it and get it all out there before you snap and blow up like the stereotypical crazy jealous girlfriend. Just gently tell him how you feel and throw in there that in future you'd appreciate knowing about it, would appreciate if he'd shoo her away from your couple time etc.
Or just let him read your post, it was well put-together.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you guys sooo much. When I feel crazy, people on here somehow make me feel normal again. I definitely want to bring it up to him when she leaves. I think that's 6 more days to go. Ugh! At least that means I have time to think about how to approach it and what not...
I guess I'm nervous about sounding like, as Zephii said, the stereotypical crazy jealous girlfriend.
Although, now I'm not sure how to cope with my feelings while I wait.
Here's hoping things go smoothly!

Thanks again you guys!

[aomnomnom]

I know how you feel. It's like he doesnt care what we think and if we like it or not. My SO used to be like that. When girl posted on his facebook in a 'bad' way (at least for me), I would just ask him but not in anyway serious and then he went and talked to this friend and told her that they can only be friends and nothing else and he then reported back to me. lol Guys are dumb sometimes, like my SO never NEVER says goodbye before leaving the conversation to bed/work/anything. I never brought it up until one time I had enough and told him that I hate it and felt like he treated me like shit everytime he does that and he just told me he never know it bothered me that much.. simple as that!

It's not like we are jealous of the other girl, more like we feel bad that our guy doesnt care what we think or even care to explain himself. I'd say just talk to him about it and how you do not like this girl. My SO one time just told me that he doesnt want to control me or who am i being friends with, but he doesnt like this guy at all... lol just like that I was like I wanna keep him as a friend and he was like fine, i spoke my piece... JUST GET IT OUT, SO HE KNOWS

[Honeypie]

I can be a VERY jealous person & I have to fight to control it You seem to be doing a very good job with keeping control, but you've got to get it out or you're going to freak out . Just talk to him about it & stay calm, get it all out & explain everything to him.

I'd be upset by the way you found out too.

[efish1042]

If he's anything like my SO, then this really doesn't seem like a big enough deal to warrant your interest. Which is good, in a way, because it means that he is so beyond not interested in this girl besides friendship that he doesn't even think it should bother you. Yeah, the way you found out is not great and I would be upset, too.
Heck, I was jealous of my So's brother's girlfriend spending so much time at their house. Not necessarily because of them, but that she had the opportunity to spend so much time there with her boyfriend and my SO when I couldn't.
As for choosing to stay there? Honestly, I feel more safe and comfortable with a lot of my guy friends. It might be that she somewhat likes one of them or that it's the most convenient for her or that her other friends have reasons for denying her, etc.

I would tell your SO how you're feeling, just so he knows and can a.) offer better explanation/reassurance for you and b.) know to inform you of this sort of thing in the future. Then I would do my best to not worry about it by keeping busy and keeping the flow of love and communication between you two flowing. Texting, skype, calls, what have you. Relax. He cares about you.

[Belle]

Im not a very jealous person at all but thats a really bad way to find out that a girl will be staying in his apartment for an entire week! I would definitely be really upset especially since me and my SO have talked about this and i've let it be known that that is not ok. (My mother always said "don't do good things that look bad")
He should have at least let you know what the situation was and what would be happening, that he acknowledged that it may make you uncomfortable but that it'll be ok and is necessary. It is not unreasonable at all that you're upset. Im sure everything will be fine but its ok for you to feel the way you do and you should talk to him after she leaves. Communication is key.