Sleeping is easy, waking up is the hard part.

[Kiyama]

Stay strong! You are doing great. Call a friend to distract yourself *hugs*

[Jessipoo]

I told myself I wouldn't for a month or even 2, if I can even last 2 weeks.

I have an email write up that is helping my mind off, if I will send it or not I don't know.

His actions haven't quite been consistent in the last few months and when we argued last I asked do you still love me, he angrily replied yes but one more thing and I'm done. I said the same. We spoke normally for 2 days, I didn't freak out on him (except when I didn't hear from him I just texted out of worry, not aggressive).

He is usually a man of his word (even though things haven't lined up for us in the last 3-4 months) so I'm not sure if I should hang onto his words or his actions. He is still likely going through a lot so I'm probably not on his mind. A week for him is probably nothing, for me it's torment.

All I wanted was some of his time and for him to be slightly more responsive. No matter how bad things were, how can someone be so cruel..

I can't believe how easy it was to cut me like that. I'm torn between not writing and cheering him up through his difficulties via random texts and emails. He's showed no interest in contacting me though

[Haley53]

All I wanted was some of his time and for him to be slightly more responsive. No matter how bad things were, how can someone be so cruel..

While I may be biased because of what my SO went through, I don't really feel like that's a fair statement. At all. People handle crises in different ways. Some people change completely. He's so involved with himself that he's not thinking about you or how he's treating you. His best friend dying and his mother being diagnosed with cancer are, alone, enough to make him withdraw long enough to sort out his head and try and heal from both circumstances and cope with what they mean. People are not themselves when they grieve, and they're not themselves when their entire world is uprooted and turned upside down, like cancer will do to you. My opinion is even if he did come back to you, this relationship isn't going to work because you're still so focused on how shitty he's treating you. It's not going to magically lift if he decided to text you tomorrow. If you can't be there for someone while their mother is dying and after their best friend died, then you can't be there, but this behaviour, while it may even out, is unlikely to change for a while. I still deal with my SO's moods at random times, and his mother passed away last October. It is not a slow process. Grief never is. And I think you have to decide whether or not you can deal with it, because I feel like you're sitting around waiting for him to contact you and then are going to expect him to be a boyfriend to you when he can't. He can't. He is likely 100% unaware of how he's treating you or how horrible it is. Will he be able to see it? Later, probably, but right now? Even if he decided to contact you, it's not going to change.

While I want to support you, I really am not sure I can support you hanging on any longer when it sounds like you want things to change/go back to how they were before if he contacted you again, even knowing what he's going through. I know that you're going through a lot. I know that this is hard on you. And I know that it feels unfair. But waiting for the situation to repair itself when you're still in that mindset is going to be detrimental to you, to him, and to your relationship. The blunt truth of the matter is that no, this isn't who he is, but this is who he's likely to be for a while and this is who he is at his worst and in times of crisis and need; if it's not compatible with what you need, it's not compatible, but deciding that he's treating you cruelly and that he should have made an effort etc. despite "how bad things were," that's not a mindset that's ever going to allow you to fix this relationship. I know this probably hurts to hear, and it was hard for me to come to terms with when I had to, but I realised that the man I fell in love with did not exist in that crisis. I saw glimpses of him, sure, and he was still very much my beloved, but he was not who I fell in love with and I had to choose to be patient and loving and be there for him until that man came back or I had to leave. It is not fair of your SO to be called cruel for behaviour that's spurred by a crisis, and it's not that he doesn't want to meet your demands, but that, in a crisis, he likely can't.

If you want any chance of saving this relationship if he decides to come back to you, you really need to get out of the mindset that he's treating you cruelly without abandon. People are selfish in their times of crisis. When it is a life altering crisis, people are selfish, simply because they can't afford to be anything else. This behaviour will not stop if he chooses to contact you. It will be a long, hard, emotional roller coaster for a while. I had about 6 months of dealing with my SO's volatile moods before they became interspersed as opposed to regular. I will be dealing with volatile moods on holidays, around his mother's deaths anniversary, etc. for years to come. I think you have to decide if you're prepared to deal with that ride, because I feel like you're not only holding on to hope, but to the idea that everything's going to go back to the way it was, when that way likely won't exist for months.

[Jessipoo]

well he was fine with the other deaths - he dealt quickly and they were more "important people" than the most recent death. It's the overwhelming situation of work, cancer and lots of unresolved situations at this point that got to him.

I am fine with holding on, it's not knowing where we stand that is eating at me. Probably not him.

Eclaire, your words always find a day to soothe me.

I am torn between sending him something random to cheer him up or keeping distant.

[Haley53]

Well at least I'm not offending you. I come off strong sometimes. xD

I thought the recent death was the death of his best friend? I think I'm mistaken. It's possible, too, that because cancer is such a terrifying illness, he's starting to feel the other deaths as well, especially if his mother's condition is getting worse. Sometimes we don't feel the threat of death or we don't suffer the consequences until the nerve is really made raw by the threat of losing someone we're even closer to; it's possible his grief has been triggered and made worse simply by his mother being ill. :/ I imagine the work and unresolved situations don't help as well.

I would say keep giving him space, though.

[Jessipoo]

man I feel like I need crazy pills or anxiety pills. I go through 2-3 phases of anxiety during the day lately. So tempted to write because of how things were left so open and not saying we were over but then disappearing..

I exist day to day but am barely alive or living.