I really apologise for how long it's taken me to get these posted! I had planned to share them on my blog same time as on LFAD but it kept getting pushed further and further back. I finally typed them up, however. Due to copyright issues, I cannot include them word for word, but I definitely included the general gist of the exercises and may add to it, depending... Anyway, here they are, explained as best as I could manage without being able to take directly from the book:
The book, for anyone who's interested: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0752837265/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
It's a book about marriage but definitely worth a read, especially given its foundation in actual research and statistics. A lot of it is common sense but at the same time, really enlightening. I'd recommend it to anyone.
ETA: Also, if you have your own, feel free to share!
Play 20 Questions
Come up with a list of questions that can be answered by the both of you for the both of you, questions such as “What is one of my favourite desserts?”, “What is my favourite holiday?”, “When is my birthday?”, and “Name one of my hobbies.” Number these questions. Gottman provides 60 in his book, but I say choose any number. Come up with a point scoring system. I recommend something simple, either 1-3 or 1-2 depending on the difficulty of the question. For example, “when is my birthday?” might be 1 point whereas “What is one of my favourite desserts?” might be 2. Take turns asking your partner questions and having them ask you. If they guess correctly, they get the number of points listed next to the question – i.e., if they guess your/their favourite dessert, they get 2 points – and you get 1 point, and vice versa. If your partner guesses wrong, they don’t get any points and neither do you. Go through this list until you’ve asked all of the questions and then total up the number of points that you have. The one with the highest number of points wins.
Listen and Learn
Play interviewer and interviewee. Act as though you were really going to report on your partner’s life; this means no judging! Ask them the following questions (or come up with your own!):
Who are your important friends and why?
Who are you rivals or people you currently see as “enemies”?
What are some recent important events?
What are you looking forward to, or dreading?
What are your current stresses and worries?
What are your hopes and aspirations for you? For our relationship?
Sometimes really sitting down and being straightforward about these questions can help bring your relationship to a deeper level, simply because though they’re baseline questions, they often go unasked, treated as though they’re answered already in snippets of conversation that may address them. They also cover a broad variety of topics that might not have been discussed before.
Taking It Deeper
Take a notebook or a journal and consider doing some of the following exercises and answering some of the following questions. Both you and your partner can answer these questions as honestly and candidly as possible, and then choose to share them or parts of them with one another. Talk like best friends would talk and share like best friends would share. As I have to respect the copyright, I cannot transcribe the questions as they are, but they are along the lines of the ones as follows:
1. What are you proud of in life? What role do your accomplishments play in your relationship?
2. What difficult events have happened to you? How did you heal from these events or traumas? How do they effect your relationship?
3. How did your family express difficult emotions when you were a child, i.e. anger, fear, sadness, etc.?
4. What is your own opinion on emotional expression?
5. What differences, in emotional expression, exist between you and your partner?
6. Describe who you want to become and any demons that still stand in the way. How does this effect your relationship?
7. What are some strengths in your relationship that you’re particularly proud of?
Feel free to get creative. Take the questions as deep as you feel they need to go. Write as if you were writing to a journal and a journal alone, and then take the time to really get personal with your partner and share what you’ve journaled with them. Even if these things have been implied from previous conversations or gathered from the past, again, sometimes it can take things to an entirely different level simply sitting down and confronting them directly.
Come up with a list of questions that can be answered by the both of you for the both of you, questions such as “What is one of my favourite desserts?”, “What is my favourite holiday?”, “When is my birthday?”, and “Name one of my hobbies.” Number these questions. Gottman provides 60 in his book, but I say choose any number. Come up with a point scoring system. I recommend something simple, either 1-3 or 1-2 depending on the difficulty of the question. For example, “when is my birthday?” might be 1 point whereas “What is one of my favourite desserts?” might be 2. Take turns asking your partner questions and having them ask you. If they guess correctly, they get the number of points listed next to the question – i.e., if they guess your/their favourite dessert, they get 2 points – and you get 1 point, and vice versa. If your partner guesses wrong, they don’t get any points and neither do you. Go through this list until you’ve asked all of the questions and then total up the number of points that you have. The one with the highest number of points wins.
Listen and Learn
Play interviewer and interviewee. Act as though you were really going to report on your partner’s life; this means no judging! Ask them the following questions (or come up with your own!):
Who are your important friends and why?
Who are you rivals or people you currently see as “enemies”?
What are some recent important events?
What are you looking forward to, or dreading?
What are your current stresses and worries?
What are your hopes and aspirations for you? For our relationship?
Sometimes really sitting down and being straightforward about these questions can help bring your relationship to a deeper level, simply because though they’re baseline questions, they often go unasked, treated as though they’re answered already in snippets of conversation that may address them. They also cover a broad variety of topics that might not have been discussed before.
Taking It Deeper
Take a notebook or a journal and consider doing some of the following exercises and answering some of the following questions. Both you and your partner can answer these questions as honestly and candidly as possible, and then choose to share them or parts of them with one another. Talk like best friends would talk and share like best friends would share. As I have to respect the copyright, I cannot transcribe the questions as they are, but they are along the lines of the ones as follows:
1. What are you proud of in life? What role do your accomplishments play in your relationship?
2. What difficult events have happened to you? How did you heal from these events or traumas? How do they effect your relationship?
3. How did your family express difficult emotions when you were a child, i.e. anger, fear, sadness, etc.?
4. What is your own opinion on emotional expression?
5. What differences, in emotional expression, exist between you and your partner?
6. Describe who you want to become and any demons that still stand in the way. How does this effect your relationship?
7. What are some strengths in your relationship that you’re particularly proud of?
Feel free to get creative. Take the questions as deep as you feel they need to go. Write as if you were writing to a journal and a journal alone, and then take the time to really get personal with your partner and share what you’ve journaled with them. Even if these things have been implied from previous conversations or gathered from the past, again, sometimes it can take things to an entirely different level simply sitting down and confronting them directly.
The book, for anyone who's interested: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0752837265/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
It's a book about marriage but definitely worth a read, especially given its foundation in actual research and statistics. A lot of it is common sense but at the same time, really enlightening. I'd recommend it to anyone.
ETA: Also, if you have your own, feel free to share!
Thanks!
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