Can't believe I'm even contemplating this...

[Captivated]

Okay so I'm 30. My fiance is 30. I don't know why that would make a difference but maybe it does?

He's very into xbox...I'm not. Not in the slightest...anymore. I grew up with 2 brothers and Nintendo and all that...I even played. But then I grew out of it?

My fiance tried to show me how to play COD when I visited him this past April. Nope...wasn't interested (and I really sucked anyway). He gets very into it...I mean like cussing to his competitors and stuff. When we chat, he's always playing. I've come to accept that it's what gives him release at the moment. But then he starts chatting about what level he's on and rants about the guys who are stealing his kills...and I'm just like, "I don't care!" Depending on my mood at the time, I either bash the kill-stealing pricks right along with him or I just stay quiet.

Recently he told me he found someone to sell his xbox to. I was shocked. He said he wouldn't be able to bring it over here when he moves and so he figured he'd get rid of it. It literally made me cry after I got off the phone with him (guess I couldn't believe he was giving up the one thing that made him happy over there). I was putting wedding invitations together at the time, with my mom. I told her what had happened. She said she'd buy him one as a wedding present LOL

Anyway - so a week or so later, we were chatting again. And again, he was playing xbox and ranting about the players. Until I blurted out, "It's just a game." He said it wasn't just a game, that it was his last moments of freedom before he had to go to bed and wake up to go to work. (uh, yeah okay) I told him he really should be marrying a gamer girl because I just have no interest in that. He told me I would eventually and gave me a wink. I told him that I wouldn't and that I just don't care about that. He said it was okay because he wouldn't have an xbox when he moved here and that we would be doing couple's things and such. To which I responded that he'll then come to resent me for it if he never played xbox again...

And then this is how he responded: "No. I'll love you for freeing me from it."

I still think he'd resent me. I'm at odds as to what to do. On the one hand, I do want him to be happy and I'd do anything to make him happy and if an xbox will contribute to that feeling, I'd get him one (since now I know he won't get one for himself). On the other hand, I don't know what I'd do if he started ignoring me just to play. I really don't think he's the type to do that but ya never know.

What to do, what to do...and I feel utterly moronic to even contemplate this.

[Haley53]

He's a grown man. While I can understand the worry of him resenting you for it, you're not really forcing him into doing anything. :/ You supported his playing the game/having it to play (and as far as I'm aware, he can't bring it over here anyway, due to issues with the region... DVDs can't be played between here and there, either) and I feel like that's all you can do. He's making the decision to sell it and not to invest in one when he comes over here, and I think he needs to be allowed to make it, as opposed to being given one because you're nervous he'll resent you. And even if he did resent having to give up X-box, this isn't like resenting someone because you moved to their country; this is a game console that he's perfectly capable of buying over here in the U.S. and being able to play the same games on that console. My opinion is to let this one go. I imagine if his need to play X-box increased to the point of resentment, it's easy enough to work through by buying one shortly after. Like I said, he can't use the console he has now anyway due to differences in the region.

[Zephii]

I think it depends on the dynamic the two of you have when together.. and how you coexist in the same space.

Let me attempt to make sense here.

I am a gamer (though I don't do FPS) and so is Obi... But one thing I can't stand is TV. We don't own one, and although we've spoken about it, I hope we never do own one. If we did it would be so we could buy a console. Might be necessary with kids, I dunno. But anyway, he watched a lot of TV when we were LD, but if there's something on TV you can't talk to him. Can't get his attention at all. I hate it. Anyway, so now we live together he just downloads his shows and either watches them on his lunch break at work or on days I work but he doesn't. Very very rarely he'll ask to watch something when I'm home - but that's the thing, we share this space so he always asks and makes sure I wont just be sitting around waiting for it to be over so I can have his attention back.

It is possible that he will feel freed from gaming. It eats your time like nothing else. But, like you say he may very well resent not having one, or may grow bored and not know what to do with himself during times he's home and you're not (and lets face it, when they are bored they never seem to think "I should do the dishes now" haha). It's possible too that he'll pick up a new hobby.

Personally I'd ride it out. Wait and see how he goes when he is there, before jumping in and buying a new one. Also pay attention to how each of you spend your leisure time when you're both home and if that's usually together discuss with him the impact buying a console will have on your together time before you get one.

Good luck, it's not a silly question at all!

[Captivated]

He's a grown man. While I can understand the worry of him resenting you for it, you're not really forcing him into doing anything. :/ You supported his playing the game/having it to play (and as far as I'm aware, he can't bring it over here anyway, due to issues with the region... DVDs can't be played between here and there, either) and I feel like that's all you can do. He's making the decision to sell it and not to invest in one when he comes over here, and I think he needs to be allowed to make it, as opposed to being given one because you're nervous he'll resent you. And even if he did resent having to give up X-box, this isn't like resenting someone because you moved to their country; this is a game console that he's perfectly capable of buying over here in the U.S. and being able to play the same games on that console. My opinion is to let this one go. I imagine if his need to play X-box increased to the point of resentment, it's easy enough to work through by buying one shortly after. Like I said, he can't use the console he has now anyway due to differences in the region.

Thank you. Yes, I agree I should just wait it out. I hate that I'm not interested in it...I've read couples who thoroughly enjoy playing together. I just can't get into it. Or maybe it's just stupid COD lol And yeah, it's a different region, I just figured he'd be so attached to it that he'd bring it anyway lol I suppose if he really got bored (I really hope he doesn't) or if I got annoyed with him for whatever reason and I needed my space, it'd be a good thing to have around. I just don't want to have to compete with a damn xbox! :P

[Captivated]

I think it depends on the dynamic the two of you have when together.. and how you coexist in the same space.

Let me attempt to make sense here.

I am a gamer (though I don't do FPS) and so is Obi... But one thing I can't stand is TV. We don't own one, and although we've spoken about it, I hope we never do own one. If we did it would be so we could buy a console. Might be necessary with kids, I dunno. But anyway, he watched a lot of TV when we were LD, but if there's something on TV you can't talk to him. Can't get his attention at all. I hate it. Anyway, so now we live together he just downloads his shows and either watches them on his lunch break at work or on days I work but he doesn't. Very very rarely he'll ask to watch something when I'm home - but that's the thing, we share this space so he always asks and makes sure I wont just be sitting around waiting for it to be over so I can have his attention back.

It is possible that he will feel freed from gaming. It eats your time like nothing else. But, like you say he may very well resent not having one, or may grow bored and not know what to do with himself during times he's home and you're not (and lets face it, when they are bored they never seem to think "I should do the dishes now" haha). It's possible too that he'll pick up a new hobby.

Personally I'd ride it out. Wait and see how he goes when he is there, before jumping in and buying a new one. Also pay attention to how each of you spend your leisure time when you're both home and if that's usually together discuss with him the impact buying a console will have on your together time before you get one.

Good luck, it's not a silly question at all!

Thanks! See - I envy your relationship in that, you both play. I really wish I was more interested in it. I guess what we do have in common is TV lol We love the same shows. But that can get old pretty quickly. And you're right, why can't cleaning be a hobby? Well I guess I can't talk yet since he hasn't even moved in and don't know his habits quite well. Think I might be jumping the gun in worrying about this...

[Zephii]

Have you tried other kinds of games with him? Maybe real-time strategy or a good role-playing game? Maybe there's something out there you could play with him and you's just haven't found it yet?

I mean if all Obi wanted to play was COD, I'd be doubting our comparability too

But yeah, I think it's too soon to worry. You's will be fine I'm sure!

[Haley53]

I'm no gamer, and my SO manages his gaming time, so perhaps I'm a bit naive, but maybe after some time without it, he'll learn to manage his time playing it a bit better? It's important to have space, I think. When my SO and I visit one another, at the end of every day, we take some time (sometimes it's a few minutes, sometimes it's an hour) to do our own thing and wind down after a day of being out and exhausting ourselves with activity. I'm someone who needs my space sometimes, and he likes his, too, so we're perfectly fine doing our own thing for a bit and then coming together after we've both wound down and snuggling and watching TV or simply cuddling and talking. There's nothing wrong with taking that space, and I feel it helps keep our relationship dynamic the way it is. Perhaps your SO's games will give him something to do in the times when you two need your own space? I mean, my SO in his younger years used to lock himself in his room to play X-box and not come out, and he's quite learned to manage how much time he spends playing them now, so I imagine anyone, including your SO, could learn to do it too. Perhaps a compromise if you ever took up buying another X-box (in addition to maybe trying a variety of games to see if anyone of them are at least tolerable for you. I'm not a gamer, but I'll sometimes play some games with him for a little while) would be that he manages his time, so that you don't get ignored, but you also both get time to do your own thing while still having hobbies and activities you enjoy together, yanno?

[digitalfever]

Couldnt he just keep the xbox? I don't see anything wrong with him having an interest in gaming and you not.

[Deleted]

As Eclaire said... he's a grown up. If he needs a console, he can and will get one eventually If you were not the one insisting on him leaving games, he should not be that resented. Plus he will have the region troubles indeed... so it's just a console, it'll be replaced.

If you had insulted him for being a gamer...that would've been a problem, but it is not the case, so I wouldn't worry so much! Although I get it... many men just love videogames. Mine does... and I just can't get into them.

[leonsfangirl]

I freaking HATE COD! ex played it all the bloody time.... meant i couldnt play on my Wii

It's his choice, if he wants to sell it them him. Then when he moves and he wants to buy one let him.

My SO and I dont have the TV/console on while we're on the phone, i find it too distracting and so does he.

[Malaga]

One thing I know I wouldn't have a lot of patience for is gaming, not at this point in life. I'm super happy neither of us is into video games, we don't own any of the consoles and only use the computer for work and internet stuff.

I think, as with any time-consuming hobby, it takes compromise from both sides if you both want to be happy. But he's a grown up and can make his decisions. I suggest you don't interfere much with his choice. You won't accomplish much except put yourself in an awkward position - if you buy him an XBox or talk him into getting one even though you're not happy with him playing, it's sending mixed signals and not being consistent with your message. Then again, you can't buy him a present and say, there you go, but you're only allowed to play as much as I say you can. That's rather patronising, you don't want that kind of relationship with your boyfriend.

If he wants to sell it, let him sell it, if he wants to buy another one, it's his decision too. That's the only way he can't resent you for anything. The only thing you're concerned about is that his gaming time doesn't interfere with your relationship or every day life.

[Captivated]

Have you tried other kinds of games with him? Maybe real-time strategy or a good role-playing game? Maybe there's something out there you could play with him and you's just haven't found it yet?

I haven't tried any other games with him. At one time he said he wanted to get a Kinect so we could play games together. I wouldn't be opposed to giving it a try. I guess I just worry that if I don't like it, he'll keep playing it and wasting time?

I'm no gamer, and my SO manages his gaming time, so perhaps I'm a bit naive, but maybe after some time without it, he'll learn to manage his time playing it a bit better?

I hope if he does get another that he will manage his time. I suppose we'll have to talk it out when the time comes.

Couldnt he just keep the xbox? I don't see anything wrong with him having an interest in gaming and you not.

No, it wouldn't work here. He's coming from the UK to the US. I don't think there's anything wrong with him liking it. I'm just worried he'll get too distracted with games when, for example, housework needs to be done, or I want to go out with him or other things. I don't want it to interfere with real life.

If he wants to sell it, let him sell it, if he wants to buy another one, it's his decision too. That's the only way he can't resent you for anything. The only thing you're concerned about is that his gaming time doesn't interfere with your relationship or every day life.

You're right. I'll let him do what he feels he needs to do.

Thanks guys for all your comments. Very much appreciated!!!

[Dezface]

Like others said, you haven't forced him into getting rid of it so there's no need for him to resent you. If he wants one later he can buy one.

I used to play WoW allllllll the time. I was thoroughly addicted. Then one day me ex asked me to stop playing so much because he felt like I was spending more time with the game than him. That was all it took and I decided not to play when he was home anymore. I did all my gaming when I was alone. Compromise works, so if he does want to play in the future, just work out what is reasonable with him

[Captivated]

Aww that's sweet (and the first I'd seen where roles are reversed lol). I haven't really told him to stop playing so much - really just because I wasn't sure how he'd react to it (and I guess I needed to find a nice way to say it since I can come off harsh sometimes lol). Guess I'll cross that bridge if I get there (and if he decides to get a new console).

[CandiCandi]

I think the decision, in the end, should be up to him. I would let him know it doesn't bother you if he brings the Xbox.

My fiance is a gamer. Even in the beginning of me moving up here, he admitted to missing games. I brought my computer, but it's really not a gaming computer so he asked his brother for his back (he didn't think we would have room at our place, but we did, in the end). I admittedly get frustrated when I feel like I'm being ignored for the games, but on the other hand, I sometimes turn those frustrations into conversation and try to understand why he likes the game so much instead of insult or get angry immediately. This morning I did say something about it, but only because I asked my SO to cuddle with me a few minutes before work because it's - after all - my birthday lol. I joked about the noises the guys on the game he was playing were making (and he did too).


Even the other night, even though we live together now, he decided he wanted to read a graphic novel on his phone, so I decided to play Sanitarium on the computer. I think it's healthy that we did that the other night, too. Sometimes, it's healthy to get lost in a world of your own. It's kind of like a battery recharging...

The thing is, love is good, really good - but we also all need our personal interests and space. If your SO's happens to be Xbox, then I would let him have it, but he is a grown man who can make his own decision so leave it up to him!