Final straw..

[Manoek]

I was thinking about it, we should be a 'it's over' sub thingy.. Because unfortunatly that is the reality of many many relationships.

As a lot of you guys know were the last couple months of my relationship challenging. My SO has problems with drugs and need to work on himself. Unfortunatly he doesnt think I'm a caring girlfriend. He thinks i have a chip on my shoulder (sometimes true), I flip 180 on him & I have a drinking problem.

I'm not the easiest person on the planet, for sure! But neither is he!

During my stay we really found out that we are VERY different. We were oil and water, every day we were fighting about something.

During our separation I was always the one that contacted him, I called him, mailed him, FB him, me me me. So after this stay I wanted to do things differently, but not the outcome I was hoping for.

My SO had to go to rehab again, i asked him several times; please let me know when you are going, so we can talk. He reassured me that he would. Then for a whole week he doesn't send me a message or what ever, even though he was online on FB several times. Then his dad sends me a FB message if I can call me. He tells me my SO is back in rehab (for 6 weeks, NO contact for 6 weeks). He said my SO was really upset that he couldn't talk to me. What?! He had a whole week! Anyway, he back in.

So a week later I see him online again on FB?! How is that possible. So I see him writing on people's FB. And then he changed his status in: I'm back, just for a little [&

So I wait, he probably send me a message with what's going on, because last time I checked I couldn't talk to him for 6 weeks. Next day, still no message. I was pissed! Is it really so hard to write your SO a message with what's going on?!

So I send him a 'chip on the shoulder' message and we get in to a fight. He told me the things he needed from me, caring, and a girl that's asks him how's he doing. I told him that I could only go so far, he takes me for granted and I need him to put in some more effort. He doesn't think he should.

I told him that it doesn't feels like I'm in a relationship, because of the contact that we have. So we ended things.

It's over.. Everyone thought we had such a love story and it just is dead.. No happy ending...

[tanaquil]

Oh no!!! >< I'm so sorry! I don't know your story too well but this sounds very painful.

Someone once gave me the advice/wisdom that, sometimes, you have to wait until people can help themselves before they can be loved/love you back. Your SO seems like he's not in a good position in life at all and maybe didn't have the faculties to be a good boyfriend. Not saying that it's not his fault -- he sounds like a bit of a douche while I'm sure you were very supportive. /:

Sorry for the weird post. Let yourself grieve for a while (I always get very chafed when people act like a breakup can be gotten over in a few days). Best of luck!! ><

[lyonsgirl]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish I had better words to say, but breakups are never easy. Feel free to PM or VM me if you ever want to chat.

[Kiyama]

I'm so sorry to hear this I've followed your threads and was really hoping he'd come around with going to rehab and all that. You were so strong all this time, supporting him and everything. Most people would have run off a long time ago.
I also don't know much to say but to take your time to grief and heal. Message me if you want to talk *hugs*

[alesitag]

I'm so sorry to read this... I know how heartbreaking it can be.

The thing with people dealing with substance/alcohol abuse is they can be really selfish and self-centered. They tend to think only about themselves and their needs without even thinking about how people around them feel. I know this because I've dealt with alcoholism from people really close to me and I'm trying to do some research on how to handle relationships under this circumstances.

Hopefully while in rehab he'll receive therapy and will go through the process of realizing how he has hurt people around him due to his behavior.

If you need to talk, rant and vent to someone PM me.

*hugs*

[Pixel]

You are a very strong person. I'm here too if you need to talk.

[Manoek]

Thanks everyone! I'm really happy to read this, because my SO had even talk with a girl (who has no idea what's going on) about that he has to work on himself and exactly the whole selfish thing. And then the girl says, you need someone in your life that supports you, blablabla (not in a mean way or anything). And then my SO says: 'that's exactly the reason why I broke it off with my girlfriend.'

Wtf dude! But the more I'm reading it the more I started to question myself, maybe I should have asked him more 'how are you doing'... But yeah, it's al me me me with him, and he never asked me how I was doing anymore, so fuck!

But to read this, yes, I know I was a good girlfriend, I just hate it that he thinks I was'nt

I just want the best for him, and hope he will work on himself, and finally come through with everything he has said the last year! He has so much potential..

In The Netherlands people see: 'strenght' when ever something bads happens to people. When I changed my FB status people said it to me a lot, and I told them: 'I don't need the strength now, I needed the strength in the relationship'

[Rach321]

I'm very sorry to hear this. Even if you could have sent more "how are you" messages, not getting enough caring messages is no reason to act the way he did. Sometimes people bend the truth in their minds to justify bad behavior. From what I know about you, you were a good girlfriend, and quite understanding despite very difficult situations. I wish you the best!

[alesitag]

I remember you said you did some research on how to handle people with substance abuse and you found out it was all about being there for them and forgetting about your own feelings as they need support and all... well, it might be true, but it doesn't mean you have to abandon yourself and focus on him all the time.

Take this time to grieve, think about you and clear up your mind.

This might not be the end of the road for the two of you, maybe is just a much needed pause.

Hugs & Kisses!

[lucybelle]

This situation seemed unstable to me for a while now. Glad you're moving on!!

[Haley53]

But to read this, yes, I know I was a good girlfriend, I just hate it that he thinks I was'nt

I have found that the people in my life who didn't deserve me were often the people who thought the worst of me, despite the fact that they were often the ones perpetuating the abuse or the negative cycle in our relationship. While there were times I may have fed into it, and could have done differently (we all have these moments), they were the ones responsible for instigating the situation. While it can be hard for people attached to accept, you have to realise that he's not capable of seeing what he had. It's not that he doesn't think you were a good girlfriend. It's that he genuinely is, currently at least, incapable of seeing this situation as where he went wrong/how he could have done better - and he could have. I think you honestly tried harder than he ever did. :/ And having been best friends for someone ages ago who was also a massive abuser of drugs/alcohol, I can certainly say that they twist a lot of things in ways that make you feel absolutely horrid, when none of it has merit, so do try not to get too down on what he supposedly thinks of you. It's really being twisted to his own agenda. *hug*

I'm sorry to hear this, though. Do take care of yourself.

[Brieasaurus]

I'm so sorry. Don't let what he's saying get to you though. We all saw how much effort you put into saving the relationship, even when he didn't. Every person on here knows that you tried. Like the others said, he has to fix himself. Again, I'm so sorry.

[Caitlin2009]

well if you guys are truly meant to be and you still wanna be with each other, then he's gotta grow up and start acting like an adult. He's not a teen experimenting with drugs just to see what there like anymore, hopefully this break will make him see that and man up! im all for helping someone when they need it, but they have to try and at least put some sort of work into it, you cant help them on your own they gotta help themselves first

[SquishyLove]

Call me a cynic, but I really have little to no sympathy for people in your ex's situation these days. It comes from nearly a lifetime of seeing people in my family, or having friends with these problems, and even being in a long-term relationship with one...there are extremely RARE cases in which these people genuinely WANT to get help and change, and not because other people are telling them they should. I know of ONE recovering alcoholic who genuinely reformed his life for the better, and he's in his 60's. It took him the better part of his adult life to finally get it together, FOR himself, not because people around him were telling him to. This is out of DOZENS of people who only make attempts when enough loved ones prod them into doing it, or when the law tells them they have to. I guess I have really gotten jaded, because I've seen my dad "sober up" so many times and declare that he was done with the evil booze forever, only to pick it right back up just a few years after all these grand declarations. He was always reforming in response to getting a DUI.

Your ex is being really awful about the whole thing, but addicts usually behave badly towards their loved ones. You didn't owe him constant pats on the back. A relationship should be a two-way street, and he was giving nothing to you but stress, so why should you have bent over backwards for him? It's not a reasonable demand on his part, but he has to have someone to put the blame on, and it's very convenient to blame his failures on you. Not fair on his part, but people in this position do it quite often, so I would advise not to take it too personally. I'm not sure if you're still in contact with him, but I'd minimize it as much as possible. In my opinion, you just got out of a stressful and toxic situation.

I hope this didn't sound too harsh, I'm just not the most sympathetic sort when it comes to people in substance abuse/addiction situations. It stems from my having to deal with a LOT of them, and deciding in my late 20's I wasn't going to deal with them further. After finally splitting with my ex back in early 2010, I told myself no more alcoholics/drug addicts. I knew the red flags very well by then. I think you're dodging a bullet and it opens up the door to future happiness for you in the long-term. It hurts now, and it will, but take care of yourself and LOVE yourself, and you will be just fine! *HUGS*

Edited to add: Eclaire gave some awesome advice.

[FierceFoxie]

I'm so sorry to hear this. It really sounded like you put a lot of effort into the relationship. When one person does all the work, it can wear on them very quickly. When one person does all the reaching out it also helps you see much more clearly that your significant other just isn't the one. That is how my last relationship ended too. I was doing all the work, reaching out to him, contacting him, calling him, driving up to see him and then when he forgot my birthday, that was the final straw for me.

I don't want to make excuses for your boyfriend but he was being pretty darn selfish by not contacting you before he entered rehab or when he returned. He left you wondering and in the dark and that was totally wrong and uncalled for.

You deserve the very best of what life has to offer you, hun.