Very tired of arguing, any advice?

[HeartInTexas]

Hey LFAD. Thanks in advance for reading.

My SO and I are really having issues with each other at the moment. Basically, I want more time with him and he wants more time for himself. It is understandable that in his free time, he just wants to play video games and be alone. He works about 55+hrs a week catering to obnoxious customers and baby sitting co-workers (he's a manager at a pizza place that sends him to a new store every other week). Yet somehow, I constantly take offense to him wanting to play video games instead of talk to me. I don't know how to not feel hurt by this.

As for myself, I want to spend more time with him. I go to school three days a week and I study, then some times I can see a friend. I don't have many friends though, and I have to try really hard to get anyone to do anything with me. I was able to sew and make costumes for awhile, but have had serious money issues after my financial aid screwed up really bad. So, there goes my favorite hobby for now. I am really trying to keep myself busy, but it just feels like I'm buying time until my SO wants to give me his attention.

We used to Skype in the morning before he went to work and then at night before he had to go to bed. Now he usually plays video games during those times. I am so tired of ASKING him for time instead of him just wanting to GIVE me his time. Today I decided not to ask for any time because I was simply tired of it. He figured something was wrong because I didn't ask, and I told him I just wanted to leave him alone about it so he can do whatever he wants. He said he still felt like something was wrong, but still didn't show interest in wanting to spend time with me or cheer me up.

Eventually we got into an argument and I had to ask him to get on Skype instead of just texting. I keep trying to think of things we can do and he is shooting them down like nobody's business. One of my ideas was for him to Skype at least a half hour maybe before or after he plays video games. He keeps avoiding answering yes or no to that and just telling me he'll lose no matter what he agrees to. I asked my SO to please stop arguing with me and to instead, help me because he is my partner. Then my SO told me that he feels more like my baby sitter than my partner. I brought up that perhaps it would be better to break up, since we have had similar arguments like this so many times already. Again, he avoids that idea and just keeps arguing with me and being sarcastic.

Honestly, I know I'm lucky to get as much as I do from him. He texts me from morning to bed time (not frequently, but it's something), and even calls me for a few minutes before bed or on his way home from work. I feel like I'm selfish and greedy. I wish I was like him where if I couldn't talk to him for a day or a few days, I would be totally fine and just be able to accept it. I think it's the fact that I used to get more time with him but now am suddenly getting a lot less time is wearing me down.

I know I'm needy and dependent, but I'm trying really hard not to be. I don't doubt that I have a lot of insecurity and anxiety on my end. I get bad anxiety if I wake up before my SO and there is no text (even though I know I'll get a text at some point), or if I have to wait a couple hours to hear from him. So I get anxious, and then I get needy (recently I panicked until I gave myself a couple asthma attacks, which is lovely when I have no inhaler). I think I take things too personally too, but don't know how to handle it.

We have made up for now, but have not actually come up with any solutions. I'm confused and don't understand what he wants from me! A friend of mine suggested I start going to therapy for anxiety, but I don't know. I feel like a lot of the issues are on my end, but I don't know how to get over them. I feel so bad that he has to deal with a nut like me, but I want more time with him.

Any ideas on how to get what we both want?

[rixue]

It is 5am here so I have to make this post short unfortunately before I pass out. Is there anyway you two can play games together? That is what me and my SO do all of the time, we are both really into games though.

[MaggieS]

Well, for one, I think you should seriously consider talking to a therapist. Not because you want to talk to your bf all the time, that's normal, but because it gives you panic attacks when he doesn't text you first thing in the morning. Going to a therapist does not make you a crazy person, it's actually really beneficial to your health. You have someone who will listen to everything you say and who actually has good advice to give. I miss talking to a therapist, to be completely honest. So I think if you can, you should.

On to the fighting:

Have you asked him to leave Skype running on his computer while he plays video games, so that you can still interact with him while he does that? Is this an xbox game or something, where you could get on and play as well? Because, honestly, I know the feeling of wanting to be left alone and to just play your games because damn it's nice to not do something important for once. That used to be an issue between me and one of my best friends, until she and I realized that we could hang out and play at the same time. We could still talk while playing(unless it was a boss fight) and if we were playing together than it was amazingly fun.

I think the main issue though, is that you need to find something for you to do. And hey, games aren't such a bad way to fill up time and keep you busy. Maybe not so great for your health as taking up running or something, but definitely good at passing the time.

[HeartInTexas]

Firstly, thank you both so far for replying at such a late hour.

Is there anyway you two can play games together?

We can, but my computer isn't nearly as fancy as my SO's. We have played a lot of games together in the past, but he's gotten bored of them within days to a week. He even gets bored of his console games that quickly, yet he continues to buy them. I can play less demanding MMOs on the computer with him, but I only own a PS3, whereas he owns a 360. He has a PS3, but it is just the worst at connecting to the internet.

@Maggie:
Honestly I've been thinking about seeing a therapist for awhile, but I'm absolutely oblivious as to how to even get that started. Especially with such a huge lack of money this semester. I'm also very shy, and I feel like it'd be hard to open up to a stranger face to face.

We've done screen share before, but that only works for computer games. It doesn't work for every game either. There is also the fact he gets bored of games very quickly. So even if he does screen share or if we find something to play together, it'll probably just be for a few days.
Currently he's been playing games on the XBOX 360. I don't own one, and as I said to rixue above, my SO's PS3 is bad with the internet for some reason. I'm kind of just waiting for him to finally get bored of his 3 new games, and hoping he doesn't get a new one too soon.
He's even told me he doesn't know why he bothers to buy them when he has no time for them and gets bored so easily. But he feels obligated to play them since he pays for them. He just confuses me.

I really am trying my best to do things on my own and I've had a lot of things planned. My plan this semester was to start some martial arts or dance classes, and start going to driving school. But since money is an issue for now, I'm having trouble thinking of things that are free but in walking distance. Some times I take the dog for a walk or I just wander outside. But I can only do that so many times and for so long, you know?

[Kiyama]

I also think you should get some help if you can't solve your insecurities on your own. There's nothing wrong with realising you need somebody who can help you to get over such things. You could try and look for a university counseling service. Every uni has one and it's easy to get in contact with them and set up an appointment.
You notice yourself that your SO doesn't do anything wrong and that you still get a lot of time together. He seems to be a very caring person and you can be happy to have someone like your SO by your side However, if you don't work on yourself, his patience will eventually fade as you are, like you say yourself, clingy and dependent. He cannot carry the burden of your mental health. :/

[Honour]

I would consider seeing someone just to talk to them about your worries! It's so relieving to get the weight pulling you down off your shoulders.

As for the arguing, I know how that is. Before, I used to have to drag my other half away from the Xbox so we could Skype for a bit. His friends and him all play games together, I sometimes join in but I tend to stay away most of the time cause most of the time it's actually guy time :P My advice to you? I don't think you're being unreasonable asking for half an hour. Seriously, it's not gonna hurt that much.

[Softy]

I understand you sweetheart.
I'm an insecure person myself and yes i wish i had more time with my bf.
And yes, same when he doesn't text, i get worried.
When I don't text him, he always gets worried.
We are a lovely couple :P
We both had harsh past.

That being said.
Seeking help for a professional would definitely help.
If you are enable to, try to have a close friend who you can talk to.

1st thing that you need to do (what i have done myself) is acknowledge that you have issues.
Then, know where they came from.
And talk about it, don't keep your fears/insecurities/worries to yourself.
You need to 'let them out'.

Then when you are in a situation where you panic, try to do something that will calm you down (whatever works for you, i drink tea or take a bubble bath of listen to music/sing).
Then ask yourself: 'Why am I worried right now?' 'What is causing me to feel like this?'
Maybe cuz he didn't text? Ok so he didn't text, but he's maybe just busy? But you know, he still loves you. He is still there and he is still planing to close the distance with you.

So try to find what is positive in your relationship right now.

You can always write to me if you want : )

cheers < 3

[Romeo s Juliet]

Then when you are in a situation where you panic, try to do something that will calm you down (whatever works for you, i drink tea or take a bubble bath of listen to music/sing).
Then ask yourself: 'Why am I worried right now?' 'What is causing me to feel like this?'
Maybe cuz he didn't text? Ok so he didn't text, but he's maybe just busy? But you know, he still loves you. He is still there and he is still planing to close the distance with you.

So try to find what is positive in your relationship right now.

3

I really want to second what Softy said. i think it s good idea if you can talk to someone about how you feel. Talking to a therapist will help you. it will help you to manage your emotions better trust me it helps
good luck!

[Haley53]

On the therapy front, I would also like to add that CBT is one of the most effective forms of therapy in working with anxiety, so it's worth looking into. The other nice thing about the university counselling service is, if you have student insurance, if you need therapy for a long-term period, they'll typically set you up with someone and cover a good percentage of the total cost of it; you end up paying something like 20.00 a session, and most are used to working with university students enough that they're willing to do payment plans or work sliding scale. Medication, too, will primarily be covered under student insurance. Though I'm no longer on the medication, I was taking something that would have cost me 500.00 a month, but my student insurance brought it down to 25.00. In any case, even if you can't afford a co-pay of any kind, it's worth it going to speak to someone at the counselling center (or giving them a call) and being honest about your situation. They're very much there to serve and please and often have a range of options most people wouldn't even have considered. They're usually very empathic and willing to walk you through everything, and they understand your situation as a student, which can, perhaps not surprisingly, be very nice. So I would consider having a look into your student mental health services and go from there.

On the boyfriend front, what about a compromise? On a good week, I work 20 hours. I also have school for ~12 hours per week, not counting homework or study time. There are times I come home and am fine, but there are days I come home and am absolutely exhausted. Yesterday, for example, was exhausting. When I got home, even after I had eaten, all I wanted to do was read, take a bath, watch some TV, work on my paper... Do quiet me-things. Yes, I talk to my SO during this time as well, but I can't say he has 100% of my attention because I'm winding down. So firstly, I really want to say that it's not personal. It's more that after a long, hectic week (or day), sometimes you want to sit down and do something that requires absolutely none of your attention, and sometimes it's a matter of really not having much to say/contribute because you're that exhausted/brain dead. Something mindless, like reading or TV or a game, allows you to zone out and not really have to think. I think when I started working 20 hours was when I stopped taking my own SO's love of games so personally. However, my being tired does not mean I can let the relationship go out the window, and neither does the fact his new computer set-up has excited him and opened up new gaming doors. So our compromise - sort of unspoken - has been that we talk throughout the day, and then have a phone call at night. It sounds like your SO is uncertain of wanting to commit to a nightly half hour of Skype, so I might propose that you have two nights a week, to start with, where you each set aside 30-60 minutes, and that's your undivided attention and date time.

The other thing I'd recommend is listening to him. You say he avoids giving you an answer to a couple of the things mentioned in your thread, but have you ever asked him why? Have you ever asked him how he feels? Or what's going through his head? Have you ever asked him what he feels would be a fair compromise? I say this because sometimes people get so caught up in proving a point that they stop listening to each other, and when you stop listening to one another, you stop having any chance at getting anywhere and set the stage for future arguments, where, more often than not, you end up rehashing the same arguments with more ferocity because the underlying problem has been left to simmer, as it was never solved. It might be worth having a night where you simply talk to him about what's going on. Tell him you've been anxious, you're hoping to seek help for it, you're sorry that it's been causing problems because you don't like arguing with him, and ask him if he'd be willing to talk to you about he feels and about what goes through his mind. Prompt him, but try not to make it about you/your feelings/etc. Try not to turn it around into a situation where he's reassuring you or where it's about figuring out how to satisfy what you want/need out of the relationship. If he's willing, I can see where this would be extremely beneficial.

Still, I don't think a compromise would hurt, and as someone who has been hurt before by not understanding wanting to play games after a busy week as opposed to speaking with me on Skype or the phone, or not being able to divide 100% attention between games and conversation, I can say I do understand where you're coming from. However, because I can recognise where you're coming from, I can also recognise the need for compromise and playing around to find what type of situation will work best for you two.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you all again for your replies. I got into another argument this morning with him when I was trying to tell him I am still hurt from last night and I'm confused as to what he wants to do. I let him know I was really hurt by the comment of him feeling like my baby sitter and not my partner. He merely said, "So honesty is that painful, huh?" I told him that it is painful when he says things like that, but does not offer anything constructive to go along with it. He can say it's honesty all he wants, but he is being very rude.

He also said, "Thanks for backing me up into a corner with your unrelenting selfishness." And "I spend almost every day bending over to people's selfish needs to come home and be expected the same thing from my girlfriend. I'm your boyfriend, not your b*tch. I'm not apologizing when I've done nothing wrong!"

Honestly, I think he should apologize for being so rude about the way he is deciding to communicate (It's just a thought, I never said anything like that). But, I'm not going to push him to apologize for anything. I'm not even telling him he's done anything wrong. I tell him my feelings, and I get sarcastic or rude remarks. What should I say instead of how I feel if I've already asked him what he thinks or wants?

@Eclaire:
It was literally the first thing I asked him when he got on Skype. "What would you like to do?" When he said he didn't know, I started throwing ideas out. Which, he ignored or shot down. My first idea was compromise, and he turned on the caps lock and told me that he compromises with people at work every day and he's tired of it (Basically, didn't give me an actual yes or no, again). Then he started getting really snappy and just caps locking at me about how everyone wants his time and he hates his job etc. I'm feeling like maybe I should leave him be for awhile and maybe he will be more willing to think something up later.

Well, more so I feel like he wants to put off the problem and pretend it's not there. But, I don't want to do that. I want something to happen, I want something to change, I want things to improve. I don't know what to do if he doesn't want to compromise with me. Everything I come up with he's like, "You'll just get mad at me when I go to do something else." and "I already tried that." or "That wouldn't work, you'd get mad at me later." I keep telling him I don't get mad, I get hurt. He tells me, "I'm not using the word 'hurt' because that would mean that I actually did something to hurt you,"

So, I guess I'll just let him have time to himself, even if it's hard on me not to talk to him. He said he wants to talk after kung fu, but I think he only wants to do that because it's what I want, not what he wants. I'm also at a loss as to what to say to him now.

[Haley53]

I feel torn on how to respond.

While I disagree with the way he's speaking with you and also disagree with him shooting down compromises like he has been, I also know what it's like to eventually stop trying because no matter what you do, you can't do anything right. Whether you're getting angry or hurt, it's still going to be exhausting when it happens no matter what he does, especially when he's working 55+ hours a week where he's bending over for people on a daily basis. And before anyone calls me out for being a heartless bitch, I say this as someone who has exhausted people by being miserable all the time. I had a friend who, while he could get incredibly abusive towards me, I can't deny that the frequent negativity I brought to the conversations about my problems, or what he had done that hurt me, added to the toxicity of our arrangement. When someone is almost suffocating you with their negativity, it gets very, very hard to want to try and improve a situation, especially when that person never makes improvements regardless of how hard you try. Perhaps he's simply tired of trying?

Everything I come up with he's like, "You'll just get mad at me when I go to do something else." and "I already tried that." or "That wouldn't work, you'd get mad at me later." I keep telling him I don't get mad, I get hurt. He tells me, "I'm not using the word 'hurt' because that would mean that I actually did something to hurt you,"

This concerns me. When you can't refute the fact you do have a negative reaction to the things that he tries (I'm assuming he has tried/does try), even if he chose the wrong emotion, that's the point you're bringing too much into the relationship. I realise I've said this before, but some things belong on a therapist's couch and not in a relationship. As harsh as it sounds, our SOs are there for emotional support as we recover from our emotional wounds; they aren't there to save us, bring us out of the dark recesses of our minds, or be there to listen, unrelenting, while we do nothing to help ourselves. That's going to send anyone into a chronic case of compassion fatigue, especially when they're already drained due to other commitments (in this case, his work). At this point, I would honestly ask him if he's interested in continuing the relationship, and I would ask yourself if you're willing to reach out and seek the help you need to overcome your personal issues.

Everyone has their limits, and from what I'm hearing, he sounds defeated and exhausted because he's tried to please you and it hasn't worked. And you, too, are aware that you're bringing your issues into the relationship. When you have issues that back your partner into a corner, such as getting hurt so frequently over things that he does, it's a really quick way to ruin the relationship, because resentment ends up building and building until it eventually all melts down. At this point, I would look at what you can do to work on and change yourself, more than I would push for more change in him. Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that changing ourselves may be the necessary change, versus trying to push people into catering to our needs and insecurities.

[BlueCat]

I understand you wanting to talk to him everyday. But if the both of you are going to be able to keep you both going as well as your own lives, it's unreasonable to expect that. When we're lucky, my SO and I get to talk on skype once a week and text each other otherwise. At the moment, we've only talked on skype once this whole month. It's not how either of us want it, but it's just the way it's panned out. It's hard and it's stressful, but you have to be able to handle the fact that you might have long periods of time without being able to talk, it's tough, but you have to be able to. Working 55 hours a week I couldn't even imagine, after working that much, all I would want is time to myself as well, so think of him that he nees that time. Yes he still needs to set aside time for you, but you can't expect it every day.

[Black_Halloween]

While I disagree with his attitude, I think you need to give him some space. He sounds like a guy whose just at his wits end, whose tried everything he can think of to make you happy. You said that you txt all day, then a phone call at night before bed. Why isn't that enough for you? I WISH I could txt Daniel all day long, I wish I could get phone calls. All we have at the moment is facebook on his grandmother's old computer for a couple hours a night because his laptop is broken (trust me I feel lucky to have even that). I understand that you're bored but that has nothing to do with him, that's not his fault. The man needs time to himself after working 55+hours a week, give him a break.

[Chiaroscuro]

If the dates on your info are correct, then I'm guessing you two have only been together a few months? It just seems an awful lot of bad communication in what should really be the honeymoon stage of the relationship, and a lot of drama and negativity. I don't like the way he talked to you which I think is very rude and a red flag, and I also have to wonder how you have talked to him. I'm guessing you have been needy and demanding?

Are you sure this is worth it? Relationships all have their ups and downs, but I don't think it should be this hard, not this early on. What are the positive things about the relationship?