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**stephanieaz** · October 21, 2012, 02:23 AM

First of all: *HUGS*!

My fiance and I had tentative plans for me to visit him in January. I was pretty upset when he told me that he wasn't sure it would be possible due to financial reasons (he was going to help pay for part of my ticket). I reacted badly at first (emotionally) but was eventually able to see it from a more rational point of view. It sounds like your SO has a valid reason for not being able to stay for as long as originally planned. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices in the short-term so that you can be together long-term. On the bright side, he is still coming and you will be able to spend the holiday together! Try to focus on that.

I am a very emotional person and sometimes have a hard time staying rational while we're having a conversation "in the heat of the moment". I am working on not letting my emotions take over. I am not saying that this is what you do - it is just a thought! I am working on different ways of communicating, such as using "I statements" (eg. "I feel disrespected when you disregard my feelings", rather than "You're so selfish! You never think about my feelings!") Sometimes, if I feel like I am too emotionally charged, I walk away from the computer (our main way of communicating) for a while and allow myself time to calm down and think. I have let my fiance know that I may do this from time-to-time and will come back when I am ready to discuss the situation calmly.

Have you tried talking to him about this while not "in the heat of the moment"?

Long distance relationships are tough! Hang in there.

**Tooki** · October 21, 2012, 02:23 AM

Your SO is an idiot

Stop bending over and accepting his sorry.

Here is how you should progress: LEAVE HIM. You wouldn't have more than a couple of people telling you the same thing, if there wasn't some practicality behind it. If you are too stubborn to admit that nothing is going to change, then so be it. I know that you said that you don't want to hear it, but quite frankly this is the only way to go at this point. You knowingly OD'd as a result of his action. This is at the point where he is toxic towards your own health.

Please do yourself a favour and get rid of this bloke, now. Make it explicitly clear that your OD'd as a result of him cutting your planned 3 month trip down to a week long trip.

**rubydissolution** · October 21, 2012, 03:38 AM

Here's my point of view here. You don't want people to tell you to leave him, but shouldn't the fact that over 50% of the people here on this forum have told you to leave him tell you something? Everyone here has been in or is in a LDR. We have all been through little bits and pieces of what you are going through. All this stuff its not new to us. But there is a point where you decide to stay or go in any relationship. For some of us, we've held on and pushed through it bc our SOs are amazing people going through rough times, and they aren't douchy all the time. All couples fight, but you and your SO do not seem healthy for each other. Like the above poster said, he's become a threat to your well being.

You said you don't want to end the relationship bc you don't want to start over. Well why not? Leaving him would put so much less stress on you. You won't worry about his craptastic behavior, deal with half assed 'i'm sorries', or beat yourself up over a relationship that quite frankly isn't worth it. I know you are in love, but sometimes love just isn't enough and you have to do whats best for yourself.

As I've said in numerous forums, my ex bf charmed the pants off me when we first met. He was sweet and kind and all sorta amazing, but after a year that all stopped. His behavior became detrimental to me. He made me feel like I wasn't worth his time. He convinced me I was unstable and needed mood stabilizers but most of all he made me feel like crap ALL THE TIME! When it came time for us to break up, it wasn't what I wanted bc I was in love. But once he was gone, my life changed. I wasn't depressed all the time, and I was forced to get out there and date again. My self esteem sky rocketed and I finally realized what that relationship was doing to me. Dating wasn't all that fun, I won't lie, but even that helped my self esteem. And with a little bit of patience I found someone amazing, who makes me feel like I am his everything. That's what it should feel like.

At the end of the day you have to tell yourself you deserve better bc you do. Don't be afraid to be alone, or to get out there and date. Ending a relationship isn't the end of the world, I promise. I'm sorry I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I can't give advice on how to get through this when the relationship isn't healthy to begin with. I've yet to read anything positive about it. Please think about it.

**Haley53** · October 21, 2012, 07:30 AM

When a relationship gets to be so tumultuous that you repeatedly attempt suicide to either end it or manipulate him into seeing how serious you are (I don't mean this offensively, but it's hard to determine when you've mentioned ending up in the hospital but also don't seem to understand why your SO hasn't yet "seen the light" and continue to OD in what seems/feels like a method of punishment), then the relationship is over. You are going to be miserable for as long as you are in this relationship, and this relationship is going to counter most therapies you try for as long as you're holding on to it. Why? Because this relationship is toxic and like a drug that doesn't work but instead has a serious number of side effects/consequences. I believe you have mentioned not taking anti-depressants because they don't work/you respond negatively to them? HBB is like one of those pills, but you continue to take it and self-destruct on it.

This relationship will destroy you and I'm beginning to think that you're quite happy being destroyed. Some people are content to remain in their misery and while they want to get better, don't for whatever reason might be holding them back. Maybe it's as simple as the fear of starting over, maybe it's an identity with your depression, maybe it's a fear of failure (or consequently, a fear of success/the unknown), maybe it's none of that, and maybe it's more, but the more you post, the more it comes across that you don't want to change and that you're simply happy to remain a victim in your relationship. Any counsellor who promotes this relationship as a good one - not by directly saying it's "bad" or "good," because they shouldn't really be doing that anyway (

), but through the ways they respond to it - either hasn't been told about your relationship in full or is too compliant to work with you, and frankly, most people. This relationship isn't healthy. It will destroy you, Jezah. That is the honest truth. If you're staying on this path because of fear or if you're happy on this path because of every other time HBB promises to make it up to you (but then flakes, as per typical HBB), then there's nothing anyone can do about it. There's no advice anyone can give you because you're making a choice towards inaction. You're choosing not to change and I'll be blunt, but that alone means that no one can help you unless you decide to help yourself. No one can offer you advice here. You don't take it. You don't really want it. Maybe you want the help, but what people are trying to get across is that you're the only person who can actually give yourself that help. No one can save you but you. There are no white horses and knights in shining armour. You play that role for yourself and seek what you need and get rid of what you don't. It'd be so much simpler if we could leave it to someone else, but we can't.

All I can say is that you will drown in this relationship, but some people are happy drowning. I think you have to be honest with yourself about the fact that maybe you're one of them, and then decide whether or not you're willing to change that.

ETA: I also don't mean "happy" as in the experience of happiness/joy, but rather, an inappropriate level of contentness or a certain level of resignation.

**D.4C** · October 21, 2012, 10:35 AM

it's kinda hard to give you advice...when i don't know exactly what kind of things he does to hurt you...other than the cancelling of trips to see you...although like you said he did have a good reason this time...so i guess it depends on the things he is doing to hurt you...if he keeps doing the same things...then i think there may be a problem there...everyone makes mistakes...but if you don't learn anything from them...then i think it may continue to be a problem for you...sorry is ok for the first time...but after that...not so much...my girlfriend and i had a little hiccup in the begining...something that happened to her that she felt really bad about...and came to me with it..and expected me to blow up...when i didn't...i think she saw how much i truly loved her...and wanted our relationship to work...and we talked about it openly...and since then...no problems at all...so it depends on the things he is doing...and how willing you are to forgive and move on...and how willing the two of you are to talk things through...at some point...you may need to make a decision....i wish you good luck...and my best wishes are with you

**MaggieS** · October 21, 2012, 10:49 AM

Stop forgiving him. I don't mean break up, because unlike others, I consider this futile advice. Tons of people have told you to do it and you've flat out said you won't. So stop forgiving him. If he apologizes with a lame little sorry, tell him "I know you're not sorry, and it's not okay." Because that's how you're feeling, right? Be upfront about it, and for the love of god, stop hurting yourself over a boy. That's the part I honestly do not understand--he had an actual, legitimate reason for not being able to visit you, and hold on, wait a minute, he's still visiting you, just not as long as you'd have liked? Why is that something to kill yourself over? I honestly don't agree with everyone else that this relationship is toxic for you and all of that--you are toxic unto yourself. You will repeat this behavior in your next relationship if you do not get to the root of your problem and fix it. Reacting as you did is not normal behavior.

To me, it seems like you're not providing the whole story, and therefore, I can't appropriately give any more advice on the subject.

**LittleBox** · October 21, 2012, 02:09 PM

The fact that he thinks he can get away with simply apologising for his shortfalls is because you let him. Have you seriously tried talking this out with him? None of the beating around the bush nonsense, be direct and be firm. I honestly don't know what you were trying to achieve by ODing and letting him watch you whilst you popped pills. You can't screw around with your life to try and lay the guilt on him. This isn't a childish game.

I do not want to leave him as I would prefer to work on this relationship rather than start another.

The relationship isn't toxic, your approach is. You need to work on that. If you don't mend your ways any relationship that follows is bound to be equally detrimental. LDRs are unpredictable at best. Promises aren't all that they're cut out to be. If he's broken promises to you repeatedly and done nothing to make it up to you then that's a problem but perhaps you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your perspective. Yes, he's cut the trip short but he's still coming and with the new job comes the prospects of frequent future trips or saving towards eventually closing the distance. In the meantime, if you want this to work, you need to lay off the pressure on him. Stop depending on him to make you happy or "rescue" you. You need to be strong for yourself and learn how to be content. Trust me, I've learned that the hard way.

**Haley53** · October 21, 2012, 02:51 PM

Do you attempt suicide while on Skype with him, by the way? I think that's something you need to bring up with your therapist, if so, simply because it sounds like HBB is always finding you, which implies you're ODing on Skype/with an audience, which implies a lot about your behaviour that needs to change to make this relationship work.

**MadMolly** · October 21, 2012, 05:23 PM

If you won't leave him, the answer is simple: You deal with it. You accept the fact he is allowed to do whatever he wants to you, and you're not allowed to get upset about it any more because you KNOW this to be part of his behaviour and you have acknowledged that you accept it by staying with him. That's about all you are leaving room for here.

**Jezah** · October 21, 2012, 05:36 PM

I didn't pop pills on cam, I told him I was going to the bathroom and while off cam swallowed a whole bottle. He only "found" me because I chose Ativan which made me act drunk and very off when it started to break down so HBB knew I had taken something and called my mother. Very stupid, and it has served to scare me straight somewhat as I have never in all my past attempts been so serious and come so damn close. Its freaky not remembering how you got in a hospital bed hooked up to all sorts of machines and IVs.

Anyway, I know currently this is seeming like one hell of a lost cause and toxic relationship, and maybe it is...but I am almost 26 and have dated many men, HBB is the first who ever made me as content and happy for as long as he has. We made a observation the other day that we pretty much only ever argue about not spending enough time together. We never really argue or fight about anything else, yes our fights though infrequent (really, until this we had gone like a month and a half with nothing) are intense. That is my fault and I take responsibility, I don't let things go and I am like a dog with a bone when I feel I have been wronged and with HBB being stubborn....it leads to explosive fights. I am working on that. How HBB hurts me is that he can be massively inconsiderate to my time and he gets very wrapped up in things very easily. So he will say he will call, and not because he got distracted. He will tell me he will be home all day and then his dad bullies him and he suddenly isn't. I tend to work my schedule around him, because now with him having a job and me not, if I didn't we wouldn't get much time. So I get up earlier than I want or stay up later than I want so I can spend time with him, so when he blows me off it hurts.

I just feel like if the only time we ever get mad at each other is because we miss each other...how is that toxic? Everything else, nearly, we agree on and we pretty much never fight about.

I am looking forward to him having more money, but I am not sure since he is moving in with his immature bachelor friends if that will really make any positive improvement. We always fight when he is with his friends because he blows me off, and now he will be living there.

**Haley53** · October 21, 2012, 05:44 PM

It's toxic because a relationship should never constantly lead to your boyfriend having to call your mother/parents over a suicide attempt that you did "off-cam" but while still on Skype with him.

My only question is why continue to post when you never take anyone's advice? You don't see this relationship as a negative thing, you rationalise what happens to make it okay in your mind, and you put up with HBB regardless of what anyone says - or even what you say. You don't seem to matter to yourself. You don't care enough to actually accept help or get help. You want to change HBB, which doesn't illustrate happiness, but you don't listen when people say either deal with it or leave because you can't change someone. You're in so dangerous a relationship (or perhaps state of mental health) that a visit being shortened due to work leads you to attempting suicide. You're constantly expecting HBB to save you and relying on things like ECT and drugs but not actual therapy and your own work through counselling to help. You continue to post for advice, yet regardless of what anyone says, and no one here is going to tell you this is healthy when it isn't (even if it boiled down to HBB being perfect but you still attempting suicide over a shortened visit), you don't take any of it. You argue it and completely dismiss the fact that there's a problem. Your attitude comes off as one of "I can get angry and be honest about HBB's x, y, or z-issue but no one else can and if they try, I have to defend him/us/our relationship to the death." You always say you're happy but no one ever sees it, because every time you're not happy, you're in the hospital (and if I recall, you mentioned you didn't know what happened during the last OD either and claimed it to be just as "freaky" and just as much of a wake-up call) or there's a very real issue going on.

If you don't want help, then as MadMolly said, all you can do is deal with what you've got. We offer the advice we do because we don't want to see you die in the process, heh.

**MaggieS** · October 21, 2012, 05:52 PM

Okay, I'm not giving you relationship advice. I give up on that, you brushed everything everyone said under the rug.

You need help. You tried to off yourself while on a skype call. What the hell? Who does that? That's not an "I want to end this, I don't feel right" kind of thing, that's an "I want ATTENTION" kind of thing. You need help. From a professional.

EDIT: Argh, and again, you said that none of your previous attempts had been so serious? Are you kidding me? So SERIOUS? So, what, they were just jokes to get your bf and your fam to pay attention to you? Suicide is not an attention getting device, learn to use your words.

**Xanahtas** · October 21, 2012, 06:04 PM

This isnt a healthy relationship. I agree with everything Eclaire has said.

When my mum first married about 20 something years ago, she was in a very bad relationship. He'd openly cheat on her, hit her, tell her she was fat, just destroy her confidence and manipulate her. She never saw her friends or family, and made it seem like staying with him was her only option. She became anorexic, depressed, no confidence and refused to leave him. She thought he would change. People kept telling her to leave because everyone on the outside could see what was going on. It wasnt until she couldnt deal with it any longer and took the advice to leave and the advice to take action, that she became free, happy, and had support from all the family. Even though she is now healthy, happily married to my dad with a happy family, it still affects her.

People on the outside can see that your relationship isnt healthy and giving advice to leave because it is doing serious damage to you - even if you dont realise it. No one should ever feel the need to kill themselves whilst in a relationship. If this is the case, something is seriously wrong.

I had a friend who suffers from anxiety attacks and a few other minor mental issues. She also got into a bad relationship, very much like yours. He wasnt ever there for her, he'd let her down and was breaking her down slowly and she refused to leave him and wanted to make things work. She eventually got out of it and only then saw how bad it was.

You mention you dont let things go and your SO is stubborn. Well my SO and i sometimes dont let things go and we're both very stubborn - you dont see me very unhappy and attempting to end my own life over it. We are able to talk through it and resepct each other at all times and understand each others situations and now, it rarely happens - you cant seem to do that.

The reason i get so irritated by your posts is because you seem to never make any progress with each other. Your both still have a lot of problems. There is only so much you can do to make a relationship better - and if you wont leave him, then you have to accept that it will forever be like this unless you both take some serious action. He seems to have very little, if any, respect for your feeling. He seems scared of commitment and runs when things get tough. He wont change. You also ask and expect way too much of him. Being in a LDR, you have to accept that sometimes they wont be around because they are out, or they have other plans. You cant be in contact 24/7. If you want that, you shouldnt be in a LDR.

To me, it sounds like you want people to tell you that everything will be ok, and that there is simple things you can do to make it work. Truth is, there isnt much you can do other than accept that you cant rely on him. If your happy with that, then great.

My only advice would be to leave. I cant see you two managing to sort out all the issues you have and becoming a happy couple. And really, there is no need to keep asking for advice here because, as Eclaire said, you never take it.

**Jezah** · October 21, 2012, 07:00 PM

If I ever really got any advice accept "leave him" maybe I would take it! You all told me to get help, I AM, jesus I have 2 therapists, a psychiatrist and am going through ECT. I am trying here to get through my own insecurities that yes, cause me to overreact to something someone else may let slide. To me, a broken promise is a massive deal because I live my life in a constant state of anxiety and fear and I don't need my boyfriend pulling the rug out from under me. I should have learned the first time he broke a promise that he wasn't reliable in that sense, but I didn't. Yes he broke it for work, but he still broke the promise and did so in a way that made me feel entirely powerless.

I know perhaps if I didn't think so little of myself maybe I would leave, but as is I feel like HBB is pretty damn good considering what a F up I am and as is more than I deserve. His last visit he took me to D.C, New York....he buys me a ton of gifts, he is good to me. If I am to believe everything people here are saying I am damn lucky he is staying with me since apparently I am a world class nutter, so I guess I really need to just get used to his blowing me off. Thanks for clearing that up.

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