What does marriage mean to you?

[Anyaheirkoya]

I think a larger part of why divorce rates are so high in today's society is because we give up trying. It gets too hard, whatever "it" is. And so, instead of dealing with our problems, we turn & run. ....but I think people are just giving up.

This! Oh-so-much, this. We live in a throwaway, me-first society. We all think we're special little snowflakes that deserve everything we could possibly ever desire, and not have to work for it. Everyone has to be perfect and politically correct all the time except us...we can throw fits and be unpleasant....

And I'm not directing this at anyone but myself. These are things I have to remind myself every day. Because I grew up in this climate, and it's affected me a lot.

To me, marriage means a holy bond between myself, my man, and God. It means being a life-partner, and being a best friend, and committing to put up with loads and loads of each other's crap. It means building a strong foundation, cohabiting, and preparing to face whatever challenges come our way.

And oh god it means sex. (We too, are waiting. For everything.)

[lucybelle]

This! Oh-so-much, this. We live in a throwaway, me-first society. We all think we're special little snowflakes that deserve everything we could possibly ever desire, and not have to work for it. Everyone has to be perfect and politically correct all the time except us...we can throw fits and be unpleasant....

I have to say, people saying this really bothers me. I think the divorce rate is up because women and men are realizing that they don't have to put up with shit in a marriage. They don't have to put up with abuse. They don't have to put up with beatings. They don't have to any more. Plus, divorce is more socially acceptable now. At least in some parts of the world. Here in CR a coworker is currently going through a divorce. Her family and her ex's family have basically disowned her because they think she's ruining her life with a divorce. Can you imagine how hard of a decision that is to make? Carry on with an un happy life or be disowned by your family and society?

I really don't think it's about giving up. I think it's about self awareness. And realizing everyone had the right to be HAPPY.

[Kiyama]

I have to say, people saying this really bothers me. I think the divorce rate is up because women and men are realizing that they don't have to put up with shit in a marriage. They don't have to put up with abuse. They don't have to put up with beatings. They don't have to any more. Plus, divorce is more socially acceptable now. At least in some parts of the world.

I really don't think it's about giving up. I think it's about self awareness. And realizing everyone had the right to be HAPPY.

This.

I believe in marriage as the next step of commitment and of course ideally it should be forever and I wish for that myself. But you never know what happens.
I think divorce rates are so high these days because it is more acceptable. Back in the day, people had to go through with it, no matter how much they suffered. On the other hand, I do believe that our acceptance today in some cases causes people to take their marriage too lightly. It is easier to give up and look for something new when things get difficult. And that is a sad development.

[rubydissolution]

I have to say, people saying this really bothers me. I think the divorce rate is up because women and men are realizing that they don't have to put up with shit in a marriage. They don't have to put up with abuse. They don't have to put up with beatings. They don't have to any more. Plus, divorce is more socially acceptable now. At least in some parts of the world. Here in CR a coworker is currently going through a divorce. Her family and her ex's family have basically disowned her because they think she's ruining her life with a divorce. Can you imagine how hard of a decision that is to make? Carry on with an un happy life or be disowned by your family and society?

I really don't think it's about giving up. I think it's about self awareness. And realizing everyone had the right to be HAPPY.

I disagree. Personally I think one of the most common reason for divorce today is infidelity. That has nothing to do with self awareness, and everything to do with someones inability to keep it in their pants. When you get married you are making a commitment, if you don't think you are capable of doing that for the rest of ur life then don't do it. If you want to be with someone else then break up with that person, don't cheat. I'd rather go through a break up then find out my SO cheated on me for any reason. Websites that promote cheating don't help, and that is something modern society has given us.

Lack of communication is the other thing, once that breaks down the relationship kind of crumbles. You need to communicate with your SO, even if its something stupid like how was ur day. I read a story on FB lately about a man who was cheating on his wife and asked for a divorce. (i'm sure some of u read that story.) She agreed, but asked him to carry her over the threshold of their bedroom every morning so their child could see his parents happy. As the months passed the man came to realize why he fell in love with his wife in the first place. However, sadly the day he left his mistress to go back to his wife he found his wife dead. He hadn't realized she had been battling cancer for a long time. So communication is key. And come on, I know so many people who thought divorce was an easier out then going through any sort of therapy to try to fix the marriage. And those poor teens who get married too young and just grow up and apart from the person they married.

Domestic violence is a touchy subject, but no woman or man should have to tolerate it. And yes in that case GTFO of that relationship. Divorce or not.

[Oldblighty]

To me it means declaring my love towards my partner & my best friend in front of him, my family, friends and god. Although when I did get married it was only in front of his family and god, although my family knew when we were taking out vows. Those vows are very sacred to me and I intend on spending the rest of my life with him, but for any reason it didn't work out then I wouldn't hestitate to get out of it. But that would only be if he beat on me, cheated and I felt my welfare was at risk. That wouldn't be if we were just arguing all the time and couldn't see eye to eye. Marriage takes work and we intend on doing all in our power to make it a successful one.

[lyonsgirl]

Alls I'm gonna say is that yes, I agree with you lucybelle, that part of it is people are realizing that they shouldn't put up with the abuse (emotional, physical, whatever). I also understand that there are marriages that end in divorce even after trying to work through the issues, even after seeking help. I don't think that everyone who ever gets divorced just isn't trying hard enough. I do think, though, that some people do just give up, or refuse to seek help and "fix it themselves" or what-not.

Abuse, infidelity, money, lack of communication, all of those are contributing factors to the divorce rate. Honestly, I find it a little depressing that the numbers are so high. I can't even begin to pretend to understand what it's like to go through that, and my heart breaks for those who have gone through/are going through a hard divorce.

[ThePiedPiper]

I believe statistically, divorce rates come down to things like the age when you got married and more seemingly menial things like financial stability (though of course abuse and infidelity factor in, but they aren't the bases for divorce). Two financially stable people, for example, are statistically less likely to get a divorce than two financially unstable people or one financially stable person/one who keeps running up debts. People who get married when they're in their 30s are less likely to get a divorce than people who get married at 20. Communication styles, also, can precede and even predict divorce. It's surprisingly not down to infidelity and abuse rates and more bigger name problem-areas, but rather down to the stability, maturity, and communicative ability of the people within the relationships. This is from a statistical/psychological perspective, however, but these are what have been discovered in studies. If it was down to abuse or infidelity, then people who experienced those things would not be able to go on to live happy marriages. If it was down to frequent fighting, then people in those relationships would not sometimes be happier than people who don't fight or who fight only on occasion. It really more boils down to foundation than circumstances, and to the emotional intelligence of both of the people within the relationship.

[Moon]

I disagree. Personally I think one of the most common reason for divorce today is infidelity. That has nothing to do with self awareness, and everything to do with someones inability to keep it in their pants. When you get married you are making a commitment, if you don't think you are capable of doing that for the rest of ur life then don't do it. If you want to be with someone else then break up with that person, don't cheat. I'd rather go through a break up then find out my SO cheated on me for any reason. Websites that promote cheating don't help, and that is something modern society has given us.

Lack of communication is the other thing, once that breaks down the relationship kind of crumbles. You need to communicate with your SO, even if its something stupid like how was ur day. I read a story on FB lately about a man who was cheating on his wife and asked for a divorce. (i'm sure some of u read that story.) She agreed, but asked him to carry her over the threshold of their bedroom every morning so their child could see his parents happy. As the months passed the man came to realize why he fell in love with his wife in the first place. However, sadly the day he left his mistress to go back to his wife he found his wife dead. He hadn't realized she had been battling cancer for a long time. So communication is key. And come on, I know so many people who thought divorce was an easier out then going through any sort of therapy to try to fix the marriage. And those poor teens who get married too young and just grow up and apart from the person they married.

Domestic violence is a touchy subject, but no woman or man should have to tolerate it. And yes in that case GTFO of that relationship. Divorce or not.

Actually, financial reasons is the top reason for divorce. Infidelity is second.

And it has been shown that women's independence is a reason why divorces have soared. We are no longer housewives, financially dependent on the men who may cheat on us, abuse us, or are just plain jerks. We have options, we aren't stuck, we don't have to have miserable lives. As someone twice divorced, I promise you it's not as simple as cheating, or lack of communication, nor is it just taking the easy way out because we don't feel like going to therapy. I've tried marriage counseling, and sometimes, it just doesn't work.

Not directed at you Ruby, but I'm finding some of this thread somewhat naive and a bit amusing. Life, and marriage, isn't as black and white as you think!

[Kanga]

I disagree. Personally I think one of the most common reason for divorce today is infidelity. That has nothing to do with self awareness, and everything to do with someones inability to keep it in their pants. When you get married you are making a commitment, if you don't think you are capable of doing that for the rest of ur life then don't do it. If you want to be with someone else then break up with that person, don't cheat. I'd rather go through a break up then find out my SO cheated on me for any reason. Websites that promote cheating don't help, and that is something modern society has given us.

Lack of communication is the other thing, once that breaks down the relationship kind of crumbles. You need to communicate with your SO, even if its something stupid like how was ur day. I read a story on FB lately about a man who was cheating on his wife and asked for a divorce. (i'm sure some of u read that story.) She agreed, but asked him to carry her over the threshold of their bedroom every morning so their child could see his parents happy. As the months passed the man came to realize why he fell in love with his wife in the first place. However, sadly the day he left his mistress to go back to his wife he found his wife dead. He hadn't realized she had been battling cancer for a long time. So communication is key. And come on, I know so many people who thought divorce was an easier out then going through any sort of therapy to try to fix the marriage. And those poor teens who get married too young and just grow up and apart from the person they married.

Domestic violence is a touchy subject, but no woman or man should have to tolerate it. And yes in that case GTFO of that relationship. Divorce or not.

Yeah, I agree with all of this. One of the factors my mother got a divorce wasn't due to financial or even the fact he was cheating. It was due to domestic violence.

[lucybelle]

I know lots of divorcees, and I don't know a single couple that blames it on infidelity. Though, that's not something you would really tell to the world either.

[lucybelle]

Not directed at you Ruby, but I'm finding some of this thread somewhat naive and a bit amusing. Life, and marriage, isn't as black and white as you think!

I'm sure it is, but this thread is asking for people's opinion on marriage. So if they have never been married of course they are naive! All people can do is talk about their expectations and definition of marriage based on their experience. And if they have no experience (like me!) they can only be naive.

[ThePiedPiper]

Yeah, I agree with all of this. One of the factors my mother got a divorce wasn't due to financial or even the fact he was cheating. It was due to domestic violence.

Your mother isn't a national statistic. There will always be outliers (my mother, for example, left after realising how abusive my father was, or accepting it, rather), but I believe Moon and I are both speaking from the perspective of psychological statistics and research.

For anyone who's interested in a less black and white view of marriage, and I direct this to the entire thread, I recommend John Gottman's material. He's one of the leading names in marital research right now and is able to predict divorce with a rate of 94% accuracy based on a 15 minute conversation (and several factors) that people have surrounding an area of tension.

Also, I should note my post was very minimalist and not at all representative of the vast amounts of research there have been done on the topic. I agree that it's not as simple as "work it out," however.

[Phantomrose]

For me, marriage is almost like a promise to make a lifetime commitment to each other, for better, or for worse (as it says in the wedding vows. I agree that a marriage does take a lot of work. I married my husband back in February, and we are now experiencing a long distance marriage (I know this kind of sounds weird) until I save enough money for my spousal visa. The reason why we decided to get married was because both of us felt ready for it, plus it would make it easier for either me to move to England, or him to move to the United States (United States is plan B.) Even though we are not living together, I can say that having a long distance marriage does come with its own joys and challenges. It is very important to communicate with one another, and to work out our arguments, and disagreements. We also have put a lot of trust in one another, and are honest with each other (which is also very important.) Marriage also means officially declaring my love to him. I love this man with all my heart, and I am glad to have married him, and to have him as a husband now.

[Moon]

I'm sure it is, but this thread is asking for people's opinion on marriage. So if they have never been married of course they are naive! All people can do is talk about their expectations and definition of marriage based on their experience. And if they have no experience (like me!) they can only be naive.

I meant more on the divorce side than the marriage side, but worded it badly. If people weren't naive going into marriage, they'd never do it at all There are people thinking that divorce is something that can easily be avoided by not cheating and talking, and sometimes that's true I suppose, but there is so much more to it than that.

[Kanga]

Your mother isn't a national statistic. There will always be outliers (my mother, for example, left after realising how abusive my father was, or accepting it, rather), but I believe Moon and I are both speaking from the perspective of psychological statistics and research.

For anyone who's interested in a less black and white view of marriage, and I direct this to the entire thread, I recommend John Gottman's material. He's one of the leading names in marital research right now and is able to predict divorce with a rate of 94% accuracy based on a 15 minute conversation (and several factors) that people have surrounding an area of tension.

Also, I should note my post was very minimalist and not at all representative of the vast amounts of research there have been done on the topic. I agree that it's not as simple as "work it out," however.

No, I know. Just an example. Seeing as I'm not married, just using what I've seen or been told by people who were married. I was agreeing that there are other things including infidelity, and financial reasons. I always thought it was more infidelity than financial reasons that caused a divorce.