He tells me to work on my potbelly :(

[Benni]

Last night, B and I skyped for the first time. It was the first time we 'saw' each other rather than just photos. I had so much fun skyping with him. He was happy with how I looked as I was with his looks.

My biggest fear has always been that my potbelly would repulse him. So, I thought I might as well get it over with and I showed him my belly. He teased me with "come on, stick it out there so i can see it" and that made me feel good because I WAS showing him all of it, I was not sucking it in.

Well, to day we were chatting online and we were talking about how his smoking pot has caused him to have a bad cough and he was going to stop smoking it. THEN, he comes back with "your "pot" made me cough too, work on that. Ok?"

I was stunned/hurt! He might as well have said it made him puke! I asked if it was deal breaker and he said "no, but it's not healthy -- you work on yours and I'll work on mine." He had to leave after that so I haven't replied back.

I don't know what to say to him. I felt comfy opening up to him and being vulnerable with him, now I feel shot down. I don't know whether to keep calm and continue with my exercises hoping I'll lose more inches by April -- or to go off on him and tell him he was an @$$hole for telling me that way!!

Help?

[Black_Halloween]

WOW! I'm going to be totally blunt here: What.An.Asshole! Your SO should love you no matter what you look like, i'm sure he's not Mr.Perfect either. You don't deserve somebody whose going to constantly put you down like that.

[Verojoon]

I think you should do both. You mentioned how it is an issue with you, so you will feel better about yourself to keep working on it... FOR YOU!! You need to let him know that it was not okay to say what he did. My SO and I had a huge fight about something like that (he made a comment that since I lost weight my thighs were more prominent than my butt... My thighs have been something I have been self-conscious about since I was 11 or 12 years old!! so it was not okay with me...) He really didn't understand what the big deal was... He didn't say it because he didn't love me the way I am or anything like that... but it doesn't matter. It just wasn't alright for me.

I think women generally think about body issues very differently than men... A man would generally not be too offended if you told him he needs to work on his pot belly... (even the men who would be offended don't normally hold on to it like a woman would.)

So yeah, tell him it wasn't okay, work on it for you, and have a good dialog about what his comment made you feel!

[Benni]

You don't deserve somebody whose going to constantly put you down like that.

We've known each other for 10 months and he has never said anything to hurt me before now, so he's not 'constantly' putting me down.


Verojoon, I think you're right. I have been working on it just for ME -- to make me feel good about myself -- but the months I've been working out don't seem to help but just a little bit. I think I've only whittled 2 inches off so far.

I am going to say something to him. He could have been nicer about the way he said it, for sure.

[floridaellen]

I would be hurt too. He is probably just worried about your health but making you feel self concious about your body is not okay. I would talk to him and ask him to explain his comment. Once he explained, I would express your feelings about it such as how hurt you felt. He probably didn't realize what his comment sounded like to you, although that is not an excuse.

I don't see it as a deal breaker but I think it should be discussed further. My SO has said something similar, although not quite as harsh, in the past but then when I told him how I felt he apologized and explained that it didn't come out right - he was really only concerned about my health.

I think you should work on your "belly" but not for him - for you. It seems to be something you're concerned about and if so I believe you have the power to change it!

[lucybelle]

There was quite a thread on a situation like this a while ago.

My opinion is you should be able to be open about these things with your SO. I want my SO to tell me when I'm gaining weight. I want him to encourage me to stay fit and in shape. And he wants the same from me. My SO met me when I was about 30 lbs heavier, and he loved me then, but he loves me even more now. He's glad I lost the weight and I want to stay slim for him and myself.

My SO has put on weight. I don't straight out call him fat (he's not, he's just not in shape any more), but I do tell him I would like it if he exercised more. I suggest that he runs on weekends, I tell him not to eat too much.

I don't think it was an ass hole move at all. I think he was being honest about something. Don't take offense. Just work on your belly! Then you'll both be happy!

[Verojoon]

- but the months I've been working out don't seem to help but just a little bit. I think I've only whittled 2 inches off so far.

I plan on quitting wheat (as much as possible) from tomorrow until Christmas ... this makes a huge difference on my belly... A lot of people who can't get rid of their belly from exercise alone (and whose diet doesn't need a change) may have a food sensitivity or something like that that causes them to bloat up... Also maybe sodium intake? Or you may just need to drink more water / tea! I agree with floridaellen, you can do it!!

[iHeartt]

..... but the months I've been working out don't seem to help but just a little bit. I think I've only whittled 2 inches off so far.

I am going to say something to him. He could have been nicer about the way he said it, for sure.

Hey, 2 inches is better than nothing!! You can do it! For YOU!! And I agree with everyone else, talk to him, let him know it was hurtful.

[Verojoon]

Hey, 2 inches is better than nothing!!

I was just thinking that while I was in the kitchen a little earlier... haha was looking at my muffin top and thinking I wish I had lost 2 inches!! Time for me to get to work!!

[D.4C]

had he said it differently...maybe it would be ok...like he was worried about your health..and would work with you...but like that...ummm no...i am a big guy..my girlfriend has known this for as long as we have known each other...and i knew she was ok with it...although she would love me to be healthier...but on my terms...i have lost 120 pounds...and still working on it...she loves me for who i am...and how i treat her...looks shouldn't matter....he's totally being an ass...

[Benni]

Wow, wow, wow!! So many great replies! I can't respond with individual quotes but will say you guys/gals are all great!!

I messaged him saying how he hurt me with the way he said things -- that I had felt safe enough with him to let myself be vulnerable on Skype and that he was an asshole for saying that. Then, I left to go run errands. While at the store, my phone rings and it's him! He NEVER calls without messaging me first to make sure I'm not busy -- so when I heard his ringtone I thought "Uh-Oh!"

He fell all over himself apologizing. Told me he was trying to tell me in a teasing way (words can be hard to decipher over a chat system) to keep doing what I was doing with my exercise routine, to not give up. Said he was not repulsed in any way, he still loved me very much. There was more discussion and it all ended with "I love you's" on both ends.

This was our 1st fight in the 10 months we've known each other -- felt very strange. I'm sure there will be more down the road but at least I know now that he is the type to not sit and let things stew. He prefers to talk things out calmly and get the issue settled between us. I like that - alot!

Again, thanks to you wonderful peeps!!!

[Verojoon]

Good!

[lucybelle]

looks shouldn't matter....he's totally being an ass...

Looks DO matter. Looks are important. I tried to date a guy I was completely not attracted to and it doesn't work. I love my SO for who he is, but I also love him because he's hot. If I wasn't physically in love with him as well as emotionally in love with him, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him.

[iHeartt]

Benni, I'm so happy you talked with him about it and all is ok!!!! And you're right, words over chat/text at times are very hard to read into (or not!)!!

[Verojoon]

Looks DO matter. Looks are important. I tried to date a guy I was completely not attracted to and it doesn't work. I love my SO for who he is, but I also love him because he's hot. If I wasn't physically in love with him as well as emotionally in love with him, I wouldn't be in a relationship with him.

I agree with that.

But it doesn't mean someone has to be magazine hot.

My ex-husband is probably technically just as good looking as my SO... but not to me... With my ex, I was never attracted to him physically... but I felt shallow to feel this way... and I hated myself for not wanting to be intimate and for not figuring out what was wrong with me that I wasn't attracted to him... We used to do research on what we could do to fix my problem...

Well my problem was simple. I just was never attracted to him. I never really had been. I mean there was a time when I was 19 and my hormones were out of control and I was flattered this older guy was attracted to me... and I mistook that from attraction but it REALLy didn't last long...

haha sorry I started ranting... but it's a touchy subject for me!!

I can look at my SO with eyes wide open and know he's not perfect but he's really hot and sexy to me!! I am crazy attracted to him!! I'm attracted to his looks... Sure his personality helps and his looks wouldn't seem as good to me if he had an ugly personality... but looks matters... Just not in the same people assume when they hear that phrase!