He tells me to work on my potbelly :(

[XxFranticLovexX]

I think you should talk to him about it. It sounds like he was making a passive aggressive remark back at you for some reason. I'm over weight myself, but I'm working on it for me. My so knows this and tries to help me out with it when he can (telling me when I should eat more (my metabolism is horrible because I've never actually eaten enough), trying to make sure that I sleep regularly, or suggesting random active things to do). He has never worded it in a way that has made me feel bad or self-conscious though. I would just talk to him about how it made you feel and let him know that you're sensitive about the subject. It never hurts anyone to have constructive criticism and support, it can hurt if you feel like someone you care for is being mean or derogatory.

[Benni]

But it doesn't mean someone has to be magazine hot.

Funny you say that -- it's one of the things he said to me -- "I do not need a woman who looks like she stepped out of Vogue magazine, I need a woman who is real, normal, and funny as hell. You are all of that." Sweeeeeeeeeet!!!!

Thanks again everyone!

[shootingstar]

So glad he called to apologize, perhaps he just didnt realize how much you took the comment to heart. Not sure if there is a cultural difference but sometimes other cultures are more open about commenting on ones physical appearance. He sounds great though, you said the comment hurt you and he was right there to apologize. Shows how much he values you and the relationship! So happy for you!

[Chris516]

Last night, B and I skyped for the first time. It was the first time we 'saw' each other rather than just photos. I had so much fun skyping with him. He was happy with how I looked as I was with his looks.

My biggest fear has always been that my potbelly would repulse him. So, I thought I might as well get it over with and I showed him my belly. He teased me with "come on, stick it out there so i can see it" and that made me feel good because I WAS showing him all of it, I was not sucking it in.

Well, to day we were chatting online and we were talking about how his smoking pot has caused him to have a bad cough and he was going to stop smoking it. THEN, he comes back with "your "pot" made me cough too, work on that. Ok?"

I was stunned/hurt! He might as well have said it made him puke! I asked if it was deal breaker and he said "no, but it's not healthy -- you work on yours and I'll work on mine." He had to leave after that so I haven't replied back.

I don't know what to say to him. I felt comfy opening up to him and being vulnerable with him, now I feel shot down. I don't know whether to keep calm and continue with my exercises hoping I'll lose more inches by April -- or to go off on him and tell him he was an @$$hole for telling me that way!!

Help?

I think the 'deal-breaker' would be, if he didn't stop smoking pot, jointly with you not losing weight.

I do think the 'positive' is, he made a deal, and didn't say you were the only one that needed to change something.

[Irina_Linn]

had he said it differently...maybe it would be ok....

totally agree! even if there is anything you gotta improve,he should have said it in a different mild way...but still you can work on your belly just for yourself so it wont affect you in future if anyone dares say anything

[hans]

Nice you two worked it out over the phone. When my SO and I have had a "fight" or "disagreement" and work it out, after that I feel like we have grown together I bit more. (not that we fight that much though ). The important thing is that you feel you both respect each other I think.

[digitalfever]

WOW! I'm going to be totally blunt here: What.An.Asshole! Your SO should love you no matter what you look like, i'm sure he's not Mr.Perfect either. You don't deserve somebody whose going to constantly put you down like that.

I realize the issue was resolved but you reply has really bothered me so I thought I’d address it.

I don’t think her man was trying to be an ass nor is an ass. He sounds like a guy that was just saying “Hey! We’ve both got this issue that we’re not fully satisfied with... let’s deal with them together!” Maybe he didn’t say it eloquently or as nice as he could but I didn’t once get a sense of malicious intent.

Secondly, loving someone no matter what and being attracted to them are two very different things. I believe love is an emotional feeling as well as a close connection that allows you to look past something that you may not feel to be attractive but that doesn’t mean the quality is attractive to you.

[Benni]

I'm happy we got it talked through. I love that he was so calm and discussed everything with me thoroughly -- all of my past relationships were with guys who either yelled and were abusive, or guys who clammed up and stewed for days with no talking. B was neither and that truly impresses me.

By the way, I do not need to lose weight -- just inches. I'm under 5 ft. and weigh 107. The belly fat is from 2 C-sections I had 40 years ago and the muscles never went back into shape. I'm told that they may never retract and may have this forever. Doing more research on it to see what exercises would possibly help reduce it.

Thanks everyone!

[Benni]

I realize the issue was resolved but you reply has really bothered me so I thought I’d address it.

I don’t think her man was trying to be an ass nor is an ass. He sounds like a guy that was just saying “Hey! We’ve both got this issue that we’re not fully satisfied with... let’s deal with them together!” Maybe he didn’t say it eloquently or as nice as he could but I didn’t once get a sense of malicious intent.

Secondly, loving someone no matter what and being attracted to them are two very different things. I believe love is an emotional feeling as well as a close connection that allows you to look past something that you may not feel to be attractive but that doesn’t mean the quality is attractive to you.

Thank you! We posted at the same time so I didn't see this until my previous post went up. I love the way you said all this. So true!

[Black_Halloween]

I realize the issue was resolved but you reply has really bothered me so I thought I’d address it.

I don’t think her man was trying to be an ass nor is an ass. He sounds like a guy that was just saying “Hey! We’ve both got this issue that we’re not fully satisfied with... let’s deal with them together!” Maybe he didn’t say it eloquently or as nice as he could but I didn’t once get a sense of malicious intent.

Secondly, loving someone no matter what and being attracted to them are two very different things. I believe love is an emotional feeling as well as a close connection that allows you to look past something that you may not feel to be attractive but that doesn’t mean the quality is attractive to you.

I'm sorry i thought we were all allowed to have our own opinions here? If you don't like what I say, ignore it.

[snow_girl]

I'm sorry i thought we were all allowed to have our own opinions here? If you don't like what I say, ignore it.

She is allowed to have her opinion just as much as you are. She wasn't malicious in any way towards you, she simply stated why she didn't agree with it. I don't think any harm was done.

[Black_Halloween]

She is allowed to have her opinion just as much as you are. She wasn't malicious in any way towards you, she simply stated why she didn't agree with it. I don't think any harm was done.

Did I state that she was being rude to me? No, I did not so please do not put words in my mouth. I was not rude back to her either. I simply stated that if you don't like something, imo, you ignore it and everybody goes on their happy way. The poster asked for opinions and I gave her mine. If she doesn't like or agree with it then she can ignore it just as I do on posts I make asking for opinions. We don't need to all get our feathers ruffled if we don't like something somebody said.

[snow_girl]

Did I state that she was being rude to me? No, I did not so please do not put words in my mouth. I was not rude back to her either. I simply stated that if you don't like something, imo, you ignore it and everybody goes on their happy way. The poster asked for opinions and I gave her mine. If she doesn't like or agree with it then she can ignore it just as I do on posts I make asking for opinions. We don't need to all get our feathers ruffled if we don't like something somebody said.

I think you are the only one with ruffled feathers. I didn't say you said anything you didn't say. Don't get your panties in a knot.

[Dezface]

I agree with that.

But it doesn't mean someone has to be magazine hot.

My ex-husband is probably technically just as good looking as my SO... but not to me... With my ex, I was never attracted to him physically... but I felt shallow to feel this way... and I hated myself for not wanting to be intimate and for not figuring out what was wrong with me that I wasn't attracted to him... We used to do research on what we could do to fix my problem...

Well my problem was simple. I just was never attracted to him. I never really had been. I mean there was a time when I was 19 and my hormones were out of control and I was flattered this older guy was attracted to me... and I mistook that from attraction but it REALLy didn't last long...

haha sorry I started ranting... but it's a touchy subject for me!!

I can look at my SO with eyes wide open and know he's not perfect but he's really hot and sexy to me!! I am crazy attracted to him!! I'm attracted to his looks... Sure his personality helps and his looks wouldn't seem as good to me if he had an ugly personality... but looks matters... Just not in the same people assume when they hear that phrase!

I had sort of the opposite issue with that. Ever since I separated form my ex and started dating my SO, people keep telling me how much hotter my SO is than my ex. My aunt even came up to me and said "I never wanted to say anything but you were way too pretty for Justin and he's beneath you." My issue with that is that I was attracted to my ex. I think my SO is gorgeous, of course, but I never thought my ex was ugly. So people saying these things does nil to make me feel better, only mad.

[LittleVari]

Did I state that she was being rude to me? No, I did not so please do not put words in my mouth. I was not rude back to her either. I simply stated that if you don't like something, imo, you ignore it and everybody goes on their happy way. The poster asked for opinions and I gave her mine. If she doesn't like or agree with it then she can ignore it just as I do on posts I make asking for opinions. We don't need to all get our feathers ruffled if we don't like something somebody said.

This is a discussion board. Where people discuss things. You expressed an opinion. DigitalFever expressed hers in response. Adults call this "discussion". This is something that happens all the time on these boards, and I'd suggest if you don't like it, you ignore people responding to you.

To Benni: I'm glad you worked things out. I meant to reply to this before, but I saw something shiny so yah, haha. Anyway, my boyfriend can be a little thoughtless sometimes. He says things without any malice, but man, sometimes I could bap him, haha. I try to see what his intentions are, if he's just being stupid or if he's being mean, and take my reaction that way. So far, he's never once been mean, so good on LV's boyfriend, eh? Hah. So that would be my advice, especially since you're still getting to know him: if he says something out of line but he didn't mean to hurt you, that's worth talking about. If he ever means to hurt you, or pushes your buttons, or stops caring if what he says hurts, that's worth looking at if this is a relationship you want to keep. Sounds like he's in the first group, so yay!