Three Major Problems

[Thoth]

Advice, or Words of Wisdom Please?

A boy and a girl, one-thousand miles apart, who love each other so much. The boy is seventeen (17), and the girl is fourteen (14). Both their parents are unaware of the fact that they are in a relationship together. From reading the prior three statements, you could extract a single major problem from each statement, forming three problematic milestones. Distance, age, and parents, respectively.

Distance

Distance hurts, especially when you're at a young age because then it is most damaging. At an age where self-sufficiency is significantly harder. Where it is difficult to travel far distances. Distance excludes three senses from existence with your SO. When in an LDR you are able to see and hear, with the use of microphone and webcam, but you cannot touch, taste or smell, no matter how weird that may sound though, but touch is a major role in a relationship. To be able to make them feel special and important just by holding your partner's hand or by hugging them. To be able to kiss your partner, to make them know that you love them so much. Distance disables the enjoyment of taking part in outdoor or indoor things together, face to face in person. Whether it's running around in a park or cuddling together, distance is the only fault.

Parents

Parents are a big problem in the relationship. If they don't accept, then it is very hard to keep the relationship necessarily "healthy". Especially when the couple are so young, the parent will view the young couple as too unserious for a long-term relationship. The parent will view the seventeen year old male as the average hyperlibido adolescent due to a preconceived judgement. Making it even worse, the parent will postulate that the SO is a total weirdo, because, come on now, we all know everyone on the Internet is a total weirdo. Having these judgements as a parent is fatal towards the relationship.

Age

The age is honestly one of the most major predicaments in a long-distance relationship. Due to age, being under twenty (20) the couple has a very difficult time closing the distance, even for a visit; due to financial reasons. It is hard for the couple to obtain the money to get to each other, to find cheap accommodation and it is also hard for the couple to find the time; due to school. So to at least attempt to fix the financial problem, they have to take out time. Then to get time they have to cease the paychecks temporarily. As you can see it is a very complex situation. Age is a sidekick of distance. While age difference is a sidekick of parents. You see how the complexity meter just seems to rise exponentially? The age difference of three years in adolescence years is apparently "a lot". That's understandable though for the average adolescent couple. Although only does that couple know the seriousness in the relationship.

This is the situation that we are in. All three, plus the sub problem. Distance, parents, age and age difference. Please help us, thank you so much for those who actually took their time just to read what we wrote or those who attempt to help us. Thank you.

[kittyo9]

Preaching to the choir! :P

Anyway, you actually have MORE time to visit because you're in school. You have lengthy breaks that you can't take when you're working a full-time/permanent job.

I get it. I was in an LDR from when I was 15 until I was 17. It's really, really hard when you're that age to get the resources together to see one another, because you're limited by both parental restrictions and age limitations in terms of working and arranging a meeting. It doesn't get much better until you're both able to work and no longer strictly limited to living with your parents.

My parents were not keen on it. My mom let me send letters and call him, but she refused to let me go there to see him even though that would have been easier for both of us. She also refused to let him stay at our house to save the cost of a hotel if he were ever able to make the trip. He ended up breaking up with me in part because he was tired of disappointing me.

If you want it to work, you're going to have to wait. You're going to have to let her parents know, otherwise he'll never be able to visit. You're going to have to ask yourselves if the difference in where you are in life (not your age, but things like one of you is starting high school while one of you is ending it, one of you is going to be working or going to college and one of you isn't) is going to limit one or both of you from fully experiencing your lives.

There's not much else to say besides "patience and communication", the same things that apply to everyone in an LDR.

[Sora1101]

I myself had to/have to deal with all three of these issues personally. I was 15 when I met my SO and he was 20, understandably I didn't tell my parents, I had little money, and no way to travel across the 2000+ miles to see my SO.

You know what I did? I didn't (and still haven't) told my parents even though I am now almost 19 years old and living away from home in a college dorm, I worked my butt off to save literally every single cent I was given to use it to see my SO, and I mean literally I didn't buy food or clothes I wanted, I didn't hang out with my friends unless it was a free activity and I even picked up change I saw lying in the street. And my SO being older came to see me. Of course it was difficult, it took me a whole entire year to save up the money for the visit and it didn't even end up lasting 24 hours. I had to hide and sneak and lie to my parents so that they wouldn't find out about my SO and we had to wait for the perfect time for a visit because I was busy with school.

So you see it is possible, yes it's extremely difficult and no every pair of teenagers can pull it off but if you really want this to happen you need to work harder for it than you have for anything else in your entire life. You need to decide if you want to risk telling your parents, or risk the punishment if they find out on their own, you need to decide if you're willing to give up going out for fun things with your friends because you need to save money, and you need to decide if you can handle waiting until the RIGHT (not the soonest but the one you're 100% able to pull off) time to meet even if it means possibly waiting years.

[Thoth]

Preaching to the choir! :P

Anyway, you actually have MORE time to visit because you're in school. You have lengthy breaks that you can't take when you're working a full-time/permanent job.

I get it. I was in an LDR from when I was 15 until I was 17. It's really, really hard when you're that age to get the resources together to see one another, because you're limited by both parental restrictions and age limitations in terms of working and arranging a meeting. It doesn't get much better until you're both able to work and no longer strictly limited to living with your parents.

My parents were not keen on it. My mom let me send letters and call him, but she refused to let me go there to see him even though that would have been easier for both of us. She also refused to let him stay at our house to save the cost of a hotel if he were ever able to make the trip. He ended up breaking up with me in part because he was tired of disappointing me.

If you want it to work, you're going to have to wait. You're going to have to let her parents know, otherwise he'll never be able to visit. You're going to have to ask yourselves if the difference in where you are in life (not your age, but things like one of you is starting high school while one of you is ending it, one of you is going to be working or going to college and one of you isn't) is going to limit one or both of you from fully experiencing your lives.

There's not much else to say besides "patience and communication", the same things that apply to everyone in an LDR.

Thank you for taking time to spread your words of wisdom. This helped us understand the importance of patience a little better. Communication is also key indeed, and we're going to try to get the boy to talk to the girl's mom more, because we believe that the more her mom knows the boy the better her outcome will be when she finally finds out about the relationship.

I myself had to/have to deal with all three of these issues personally. I was 15 when I met my SO and he was 20, understandably I didn't tell my parents, I had little money, and no way to travel across the 2000+ miles to see my SO.

You know what I did? I didn't (and still haven't) told my parents even though I am now almost 19 years old and living away from home in a college dorm, I worked my butt off to save literally every single cent I was given to use it to see my SO, and I mean literally I didn't buy food or clothes I wanted, I didn't hang out with my friends unless it was a free activity and I even picked up change I saw lying in the street. And my SO being older came to see me. Of course it was difficult, it took me a whole entire year to save up the money for the visit and it didn't even end up lasting 24 hours. I had to hide and sneak and lie to my parents so that they wouldn't find out about my SO and we had to wait for the perfect time for a visit because I was busy with school.

So you see it is possible, yes it's extremely difficult and no every pair of teenagers can pull it off but if you really want this to happen you need to work harder for it than you have for anything else in your entire life. You need to decide if you want to risk telling your parents, or risk the punishment if they find out on their own, you need to decide if you're willing to give up going out for fun things with your friends because you need to save money, and you need to decide if you can handle waiting until the RIGHT (not the soonest but the one you're 100% able to pull off) time to meet even if it means possibly waiting years.

It seems as though you understand the situation we are in. Thank you for your advice this is really helpful to us. If you ever see this post though, could you respond and tell us if the boy has ever spoke with your parents? In a civilized, respectful conversation. When the boy spoke with the SO's mother she seemed to like him and thought he was interesting. Her mom enjoyed talking to him, this made us both happy to witness. The next session the boy speaks with the mother, the boy is going to attempt to call her his friend and give her his email.

Any suggestions for the next session, anyone?

[Sora1101]

My SO has never talked to my parents because my parents don't know about him or my relationship. I have spoken to his mother though very briefly though she didn't know who I was.

If you're asking whether it's a good idea for your SO to talk to your parents I do think that's a good idea, if they get to know him before they realize you're dating him they can make a judgement based on his character rather than the rumors surrounding online relationships.

[Thoth]

My SO has never talked to my parents because my parents don't know about him or my relationship. I have spoken to his mother though very briefly though she didn't know who I was.

If you're asking whether it's a good idea for your SO to talk to your parents I do think that's a good idea, if they get to know him before they realize you're dating him they can make a judgement based on his character rather than the rumors surrounding online relationships.

The boy has talked to the girl's mother once. We plan on him talking to her mom and dad somewhat often though that is why we are going to give mom and dad his email so they may share information because her mom and the boy research similar fields of knowledge. We basically want to set up a communication route between the boy and the parents so that they parents may be able to retrieve more insight in the boy's personality; forming a bond.

[lmfaomarie]

Just a short post -- it IS possible, my SO being 19 and me being 17. We just met, but I was lucky, I told my mom I was visiting a friend in Amsterdam for Christmas and everything was fine. I saved all of my money for half a year and 7 months later, I flew from Canada to Amsterdam. It was worth it.

In the end, last week after returning, I told her we were dating. My mom handled it fairly well, but once again, I'm lucky. It can work though!

[Riyko]

While it can work don't be disappointed or upset if the girls parents aren't accepting of the boy or even if her parents tell her to stop talking to said boy and do what they can to prevent communication. I say that not to be harsh but as a reality boy is 17 going on 18 and girl is 14 going on 15. Since you didn't mention it where is the boy from and where is the girl from.

[Zephii]

Welcome to the forum
I think the other members have you covered, so I wanted to throw in some off topic advice - it might make your posts easier to read if you both make up names for yourself. Then whoever is writing can use the first person, and refer to the other by "name"

For example, people here know my boyfriend as "Obi" though it's not his name.

Or you can just say at the beginning of the post which of you is speaking.

[Thoth]

Just a short post -- it IS possible, my SO being 19 and me being 17. We just met, but I was lucky, I told my mom I was visiting a friend in Amsterdam for Christmas and everything was fine. I saved all of my money for half a year and 7 months later, I flew from Canada to Amsterdam. It was worth it.

In the end, last week after returning, I told her we were dating. My mom handled it fairly well, but once again, I'm lucky. It can work though!

Whoa, congratulations. We see how you can say you are lucky though, because you went without telling her about him and all, at least we would expect your mom to freak out or something. We're just hoping that, as Pillow's mom talks to Blanket more, she grows a liking towards him, and that when she is finally told about Pillow and Blanket dating each other or whatever, that she will react positively. Hopefully

Our plan though, is that we get Blanket and Pillow's mom to talk to each other more often, so that they may bond. The goal is for Pillow's mom to gather more insight on Blanket's personality and life. Within due time, either:

a. Pillow's mom gradually finds out.
b. Pillow tells mom after a long time, and bonding between Pillow's mom and Blanket.

While it can work don't be disappointed or upset if the girls parents aren't accepting of the boy or even if her parents tell her to stop talking to said boy and do what they can to prevent communication. I say that not to be harsh but as a reality boy is 17 going on 18 and girl is 14 going on 15. Since you didn't mention it where is the boy from and where is the girl from.

Blanket is in Canada and Pillow is in the U.S.. We understand why they would react to this negatively though, of course Blanket is three years older than Pillow, and that's apparently a big difference in the adolescent epoch. Although, this isn't a short-term relationship, so as we grow older the age difference will be more and more widely accepted.

Welcome to the forum
I think the other members have you covered, so I wanted to throw in some off topic advice - it might make your posts easier to read if you both make up names for yourself. Then whoever is writing can use the first person, and refer to the other by "name"

For example, people here know my boyfriend as "Obi" though it's not his name.

Or you can just say at the beginning of the post which of you is speaking.

Thanks, we took this into consideration and as you can see we have our new nicknames, pillow and blanket. Both of us inscribe messages together though, like an activity.

[mattervsmind]

both of yu are 2 young for relatonship dont think it work long distance is hard the girl have time to figure what to do with her live
dont push her to something she no want to do thats my opinion but i hope this help

[Sora1101]

both of yu are 2 young for relatonship dont think it work long distance is hard the girl have time to figure what to do with her live
dont push her to something she no want to do thats my opinion but i hope this help

age has nothing to do with the ability to be in a relationship if both people are serious. I was 15 when I started mine and we're going on 4 years and I've known people in their 30's who have failed at LDR's within months.

[Thoth]

both of yu are 2 young for relatonship dont think it work long distance is hard the girl have time to figure what to do with her live
dont push her to something she no want to do thats my opinion but i hope this help

age has nothing to do with the ability to be in a relationship if both people are serious. I was 15 when I started mine and we're going on 4 years and I've known people in their 30's who have failed at LDR's within months.

Thank you, we weren't really sure how to reply to that. Blanky isn't pushing Pillow into anything she doesn't want though. Pillow and Blanky favour the mantra "Only those who are in the relationship may understand the seriousness of the relationship.", something along those lines. So other's, please do not judge in such a way, although we accept the generalization though, because of the etical view factor.

[floridaellen]

both of yu are 2 young for relatonship dont think it work long distance is hard the girl have time to figure what to do with her live
dont push her to something she no want to do thats my opinion but i hope this help

I disagree with this too. I was a little older when I started my relationship.My SO was 16. I was 17. My relationship started as a close distance LDR, if that makes sense, and is now a LDR. We have made it through. It does make the financial aspect a little bit more difficult but it is much easier to time trips - schools have more breaks than most (if not all) employers would allow!

Sora is probably the best person to ask advice from though - I admire her and her SO's ability to keep their relationship going considering the age and the distance!

[Thoth]

both of yu are 2 young for relatonship dont think it work long distance is hard the girl have time to figure what to do with her live
dont push her to something she no want to do thats my opinion but i hope this help

I disagree with this too. I was a little older when I started my relationship.My SO was 16. I was 17. My relationship started as a close distance LDR, if that makes sense, and is now a LDR. We have made it through. It does make the financial aspect a little bit more difficult but it is much easier to time trips - schools have more breaks than most (if not all) employers would allow!

Sora is probably the best person to ask advice from though - I admire her and her SO's ability to keep their relationship going considering the age and the distance!

Yeah exactly, the age doesn't matter at all, and we will not give up or lose hope on each other, because it is our relationship, we will both fight. Indeed the trips are easier, but the financial factor is a battle, but what makes it hardest is the parents.