SO pushing open relationship

[Chris516]

Maybe your SO wants to find other people because you've already found someone other than her to have feelings for??
I would be furious with my SO if he had said he couldn't visit me to wait around for news of a friend who he lives nowhere near, and that he has had feelings for (I think I remember you saying your SO was aware of the relationship with this other woman?). You might think she's not being upset, but considering she's been distant since August and now wants to see other people, you have to see the connection there - maybe it wasn't your intention, but ANY woman in that situation would see that as you picking the friend over her, medical situation or no. If she was a friend who was in town and had no one else there, maybe I could get over it, but no, pushing back a visit for something that it wouldn't matter where you are is not ok in my books. I don't think it's a laugh that she is competing for your attention as FranticLove suggested, she probably felt this threatened your relationship and probably lost trust in you from it. I think you and your SO need to open up a dialogue about trust and why she wants to meet other people, physically or otherwise.

I didn't find someone else. If my SO wants to find someone else, she doesn't leave home much. Yes, You are right, I did say that my SO, knew of my online friend. Quite frankly, I can't tell lately, if she is genuinely happy, sad, or mad. She was elated by the Christmas gifts I gave her. I said competing for my attention was a laugh because, communication has been the biggest problem that my SO n' I have had.

She hasn't said she wants' to meet other people. She has said repeatedly, that she wouldn't have a problem with me also seeing another woman. I can't do that mentally.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I think what it boils down to is this:

You haven't seen your SO since 2011, because of your own choice to stay at home to be there for an online friend. Regardless of whether YOU think there's more to your relationship with your friend, your SO is probably feeling like there is. By making the decision to prioritise your friend over her, you've probably swayed her trust a bit, and when you say "I haven't spoken to my friend for six months" she might not believe you.

Her thought process is probably that you're secretly harbouring feelings for this friend, and as painful as that is for her, she doesn't want to let you go completely, so suggesting an open relationship - where you can pursue other romantic possibilities - is probably her way of working through wanting to be with you but not wanting to stop you seeing someone else that she thinks you might have an interest in. If the open relationship includes her as well, she's probably lonely. A year and a half of not seeing the person you love is tough. She might want the physical presence of someone who can pay her attention and find her attractive. This is probably even more intense for her if she feels that you're interested in someone else.

In terms of the "I've told her how I feel over the phone/snail mail" - you have to understand that it's not always what you say that matters, it's what you do. And unfortunately for you, the choice to put your online friend first speaks louder than any "I love you". LDRs require the trust, because it's difficult to show love through action at a distance. And you've made suspicious decisions, at least in her eyes. You need to build up the trust and love between you and your SO.

[Chris516]

I think what it boils down to is this:

You haven't seen your SO since 2011, because of your own choice to stay at home to be there for an online friend. Regardless of whether YOU think there's more to your relationship with your friend, your SO is probably feeling like there is. By making the decision to prioritize your friend over her, you've probably swayed her trust a bit, and when you say "I haven't spoken to my friend for six months" she might not believe you.

I have asked my SO, if she thinks I am lying. I have told her, the online friend lives in Canada, and I will not jeopardize my healthcare, to move to Canada.

Her thought process is probably that you're secretly harbouring feelings for this friend, and as painful as that is for her, she doesn't want to let you go completely, so suggesting an open relationship - where you can pursue other romantic possibilities - is probably her way of working through wanting to be with you but not wanting to stop you seeing someone else that she thinks you might have an interest in. If the open relationship includes her as well, she's probably lonely. A year and a half of not seeing the person you love is tough. She might want the physical presence of someone who can pay her attention and find her attractive. This is probably even more intense for her if she feels that you're interested in someone else.

Thank you for that feedback. I told her, I refuse to have an 'open' relationship. I can't divide myself emotionally, for an open relationship. In this ever virulent time of STD's, having an 'open' relationship, is tantamount to, playing russian roulette with ones' own life. As for the possibility of her being lonely, I am lonely for my SO, too.

In terms of the "I've told her how I feel over the phone/snail mail" - you have to understand that it's not always what you say that matters, it's what you do. And unfortunately for you, the choice to put your online friend first speaks louder than any "I love you". LDRs require the trust, because it's difficult to show love through action at a distance. And you've made suspicious decisions, at least in her eyes. You need to build up the trust and love between you and your SO.

I know 'actions speak louder than words'.

[Kiyama]

I have asked my SO, if she thinks I am lying. I have told her, the online friend lives in Canada, and I will not jeopardize my healthcare, to move to Canada.

If you told her that then nothing surprises me anymore. I am not sure whether you notice yourself how suspicious you act. If the only reason you give for not moving to Canada is the healthcare, then there might be feelings involved after all?

[Moon]

I think you need to realize that you did irreparable damage to your relationship by choosing your friend over seeing your SO, I know I wouldn't have forgiven you, because in an LDR, those visits are precious and they keep us going. To skip it, and make her wait so long between visits, even though you're in the same country, just isn't acceptable. If you know actions speak louder than words, then why in the world would you do this to her? If my guy did this to me, it would be over, it would have to be. You're very lucky she hasn't done the same, if you have any chance to save this relationship, you need to start seriously start making it up to her (you probably should have bought a plane ticket yesterday), and assure her where your priorities lay. If she's asking for an open relationship, it might already be too late.

[Chris516]

If you told her that then nothing surprises me anymore. I am not sure whether you notice yourself how suspicious you act. If the only reason you give for not moving to Canada is the healthcare, then there might be feelings involved after all?

You missed the point.

The point is that, even before any potential feelings for my Canadian online friend, I am not going to put my healthcare in danger by 'trying' to move up to Canada. So, Therefore, any concern would be squashed. But as the saying goes 'd***** if you do, d***** if you don't'.

[ThePiedPiper]

You missed the point.

The point is that, even before any potential feelings for my Canadian online friend, I am not going to put my healthcare in danger by 'trying' to move up to Canada. So, Therefore, any concern would be squashed. But as the saying goes 'd***** if you do, d***** if you don't'.

I don't think she missed the point at all. If your SO told you she had a friend in England but the only reason she wasn't planning on moving to England to be there with him was due to her health care in the states, how would you react? People care more than about the possibility of a physical relationship or physically cheating. Feelings are tender and it's absolutely callous to decide all concern is squashed because you could never physically be with this other friend of yours. It may be because I'm feeling horrid at the moment (up all night with food poisoning), but I'm surprised she lasted this long and my guess would be this relationship is beyond saving. You don't sound "in it" with her at all; the way you talk about it, it comes off as the only reason she's your choice of girl is because she's in the same country. If it's coming off that way to us, a group of outsiders, it could easily be coming off that way to her, as well, and so she feels like an open relationship might be the best option to avoid hurt from all ends.

[Chris516]

I think you need to realize that you did irreparable damage to your relationship by choosing your friend over seeing your SO, I know I wouldn't have forgiven you, because in an LDR, those visits are precious and they keep us going. To skip it, and make her wait so long between visits, even though you're in the same country, just isn't acceptable. If you know actions speak louder than words, then why in the world would you do this to her? If my guy did this to me, it would be over, it would have to be. You're very lucky she hasn't done the same, if you have any chance to save this relationship, you need to start seriously start making it up to her (you probably should have bought a plane ticket yesterday), and assure her where your priorities lay. If she's asking for an open relationship, it might already be too late.

Financially, It takes planning, just as any trip/visit does. I don't have the financial availability to make sudden plans.

[kteire]

Financially, It takes planning, just as any trip/visit does. I don't have the financial availability to make sudden plans.

I'm honestly a bit confused about what you're asking for with this board then...? You've got an argument against every bit of the given advice, and seem to not understand that cancelling a visit has big implications when there's another woman involved.

Saying 'the only reason I'm not with her is because of health care' is not going to be good enough for your SO. It wouldn't be for me, and I can safely say I don't know a single person for whom that would be. If you aren't over the friend in Canada, you shouldn't be with anyone until you are.

[blankita719]

As I am reading this, I'm thinking, all of this sounds very familiar...
https://members.lovingfromadistance....-female-friend

You aren't listening to the advice you are being given. I'm not going to say you don't care about your actual SO, but these feelings and choices you are making based SOLELY on another woman are unfair to everyone involved. Walk away from this relationship before you hurt her any further. And for the love of god, you should probably cut all ties with this "friend" as well.

I know you'll disagree, this has been what you've done to everyone who has posted. But THINK about what you are doing and you will realize how wrong it has all been.

[Moon]

Financially, It takes planning, just as any trip/visit does. I don't have the financial availability to make sudden plans.

If it mattered enough to you, you'd make it happen. The thing is you made the mess, now it's up to you to clean up, how else is she supposed to know you're serious about this relationship? You aren't showing her anything otherwise, this really is up to you now to save the relationship, if that's what you want.

[EnglishMan]

Ill avoid the rest of the thread (as I have read it, but im gunna side with a few of the ladies a bit here, as I think you're having priority problems, or at least I couldnt blame your SO for thinking so... ive been on her side of something similar and it isn't fun at all. I get having friends and I get sometimes having to be there for them, but your girl comes first. Always.).

But to focus on your original post, no I couldnt deal with an open relationship. I believe some people here do or have, and its worked for them so im not saying its never a good idea. But it'd certainly be no good for me, when im with somebody they have me. Im not ever interested in anything else. And vice versa, id want the same, if shes suggesting other people then im not interested.

[LittleBox]

If it mattered enough to you, you'd make it happen. The thing is you made the mess, now it's up to you to clean up, how else is she supposed to know you're serious about this relationship? You aren't showing her anything otherwise, this really is up to you now to save the relationship, if that's what you want.

Ditto this. You're going to have to prove yourself to her. You mentioned you can't divide yourself in the manner that open-relationships demand but essentially you've divided yourself between your SO and this online friend. You need to get your focus straight and reorganize your priorities.

[XxFranticLovexX]

While my friend didn't take priority over my SO yet, I can certainly understand how it was perceived that way. Competing for attention is a laugh. Prior to Apr.'12, I had not communicated with my online friend at all for six months, of my own choosing. Since Sept.'12, it has also been very seldom. Yes, She has been busy, but I have not been chomping at the bit to chat with her. During her recovery, she apologized for being so critical of me. But that apology didn't last long. Since then, I didn't try to contact her. I don't think I would be in communication with her as much. Because it feels like she backed away from her apology. I care immeasurably more, for my SO, than I do for my online friend. My online friend is not #1, never has been, never will be. But I do understand what you are saying, about my SO's feelings being crushed.


If she is wanting to find someone else, I don't know it. But she is definitely offering me the option. Give yourself more credit. You have given good objective feedback. I have talked to her about it. I have reiterated how I feel about her, both on the phone, and in snail mail.



Ok, The connection with my online friend having the same two medical conditions I have had all my life, is because I know what she 'might' have to go through. While technology has greatly progressed in the last forty years, since I had most of my major hospitilizations, I was just remembering all the stuff I had to go through back in the 1960's and 1970's. My online friend was there for me, when I was having trouble with my ex, since my online friend knew of and had a similar traumatic childhood. When her late fiance was killed in Iraq in 2004, I was emotionally there for her. So we have in some ways, been there for each other. Despite only knowing each other online.

But that doesn't come close to my commitment to my fiance.

Don't tell me, prove it to her. Even if you don't think so, your SO IS competing for your attention because you put so much thought and emotion into your relationship with your 'friend'. What you say in the situation doesn't matter because your actions keep contradicting your words. You may say that your SO is number 1 but everything you have told us says that your actions say otherwise. Reverse the situation, replace yourself and your friend with your SO and her hypothetical friend and put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel? It is easy to see how it would seem to her that your friend is more important to you. Even if you say other wise what you do says the opposite.

I only give credit where it is due and I can't give myself credit for giving hypothetical advice on a situation that I have never been in nor ever see myself being in, thank you anyway though.
Again.. you have to show her as well as tell her. Words mean nothing in some situations. My ex always told me things that contradicted his actions. Eventually it go to the point that I didn't believe what he said because it was always the opposite of what he did. Words work for a little while but eventually it gets to the point that I love you's and I'm sorrys mean just as little as hellos and goodbyes when you feel like they are only saying what you want to hear.

That makes some sense to me. I can see how seeing your friend going through something can open old personal wounds of you going through the same thing and making you remember how you felt, which in return will make you sympathize with them.

I do think that you are either in denial, completely blinded to what is going on in front of you, or completely oblivious to the signals that you are sending. From everything you have said, you're right, that doesn't come close to your commitment to your fiance because it completely outweighs it and outstretches it by miles, not the other way around. Yes, the words are there but the emotions are not. If you keep going about this relationship the way that you are now you're going to lose your fiance and be sitting there with a friend that you never plan to see in person because the only one you are going to convince otherwise is yourself.

You're a grown man. Take a step back, look at the situation objectively, and realize what you are doing. The way it currently sits, to anyone with an outside perspective (probably including your SO), you are emotionally attached to someone other than your SO and unwilling to admit it or let go. You are making every excuse that you can to rationalize this and make yourself feel better about the situation, but in reality you're the one that is wrong. You're clinging to any form of relationship that you have with your 'friend' because you don't have the ability to have an actual relationship with her and your relationship with your SO is suffering because of it.. even if you haven't had contact with her recently. All of this is what would lead up to the suggestion that your SO made, because to be quite honest with you, if my SO cancelled a trip to see me on my birthday, told me that he doesn't move to Canada because of money and health care, has admitted to having residual feelings for an old friend that he is still in contact with (after being with me for 5 years, no less), and always has a reason for why things aren't the way they seem, then I wouldn't be with him. It really wouldn't be fair to me when it seemed like he was there for our relationship physically and not emotionally. I really think that you should take a look at all the things you have said and done, take a look at the things you have posted on this site, look at the replies you have gotten, and look at how your SO is acting.. then see where you stand. Talk with her about everything, not just your friend and the open relationship, but how you feel about everything going on with your relationship and your friend. Then decide where your priorities lie, because right now it seems that she isn't very high on that list and she probably feels that too.

Maybe you're feeling neglected as well by her lack of communication and that's what is making you think about your friend so much. We really don't know, but we do know that all relationships take communication from both sides, especially LDRs, and if one person or the other isn't giving that then it isn't going to work. You need to talk to her about the communication issues and how you feel as well. The relationship isn't all about her (and I'm not trying to make it sound like it is) but it isn't all about you either. You may say that she comes first but it seems like you're being rather selfish in this situation with keeping both women around. You say that you can't split your time/emotions to do an open relationship but in reality you have been doing just that without the physical aspect.

I would also step back and realize that everyone giving you advice can't be wrong unless you aren't providing accurate information. So I would also take their advice into consideration.


Yeah.. long winded reply.. I apologize for that. ^^;;

[Julz]

Everybody has already said everything that I'm thinking. Your SO should always come first. I can't say that I blame her for pulling away some.
You need to prove to her that she comes first. Nobody wants to feel second best. I honestly give her credit for sticking around at all. I wouldn't.

I wish you the very best of luck!!