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BF's behavior/feeling insecure, need advice!

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    BF's behavior/feeling insecure, need advice!

    Hi there,

    I'm new here and this is my first post. I am also semi-new to the whole LDR thing. For starters, I am 23 and I currently live 20 hours away from my SO who is in WA going to college. We've been together for six months, three of which have been long distance. So far it's been great (difficult, but pretty dang good), we've both made efforts to see each other I've flown up there twice, and he came and stayed with me for three weeks over christmas break. We're pretty good about communicating, although he doesn't care for video chats, but he texts me every morning with some sort of "Good morning beautiful", on his way to class and sometimes calls, we typically talk 1-3 times a day and text on and off throughout the day depending on what the other person is doing. We're both supportive about the other persons life, he goes out with his buddies, I go out with my buddies, we're both very honest about what we're doing and such and I really feel like I can trust him.

    Anyways, what I would like some advice on is does anyone else feel like they start to get "grumpy" the longer they are apart from their SO? What I mean is not that we are grumpy towards each other, but I've noticed that the longer we're apart he starts to sound progressivly more "grumpy" about his day to day. For example, while he stayed with me over christmas break it was heaven, he's very affectionate, and everything was wonderful, also when he first left to go back to school (16 days ago) he was pretty upbeat. He would send me random texts daily telling me how much he misses me and how much he loves me, he sounded genuinely happy when he would call, and each morning I'd wake up to a "good morning beautiful" text; but as the days go by that stuff kind of starts to fall off and pretty soon I notice that it goes from "good morning beautiful" to just "good morning", and the randoms I love you's and I miss yous have stopped, and some days he seems kind of down when I talk to him on the phone. I also notice that he goes from answering the phone with some sort of "Hey baby!" or something like that to just "What's up" or "Hey what's going on". I don't feel like anything is "going on" or that his feelings have changed, but I don't understand why his affection seems to dwindle the longer we're apart. There isn't really anything major going on in his life to make him feel unusually unhappy, but he did say about a week after he got back to school that he was unhappy in his classes, and he didn't care about school, and that he just wanted to be back here with me and he was pretty bummed when he told me this.

    Any advice or opinions on his behavior? I know that I get pretty bummed out too when I miss him, and it can put me in a crabby mood, but I always try to be upbeat when we get to talk. My main concern in this is that as more time goes by that we're apart and his affections start to drop off I find myself feeling insecure, and I'm not sure what the best way to handle the situation is. So has anyone else had a similar experience? I know this is a pretty minor thing, but I'm concerned and I want him to be happy.

    A few other details that might be relivant is that I am flying up to see him the weekend of the 1st, he is planning on coming down to see me towards the end of Feb for my brithday, and then he will also get to come down for a few weeks in march over spring break, at which time he'll be done going to classes but he starts sort of an apprenticship type thing the end of March which he'll have to go back to WA for until June. So we have lots of upcoming plans that will really be great to get to spend some time together.

    #2
    Hi, I'm new as well. This will be my first response, ha.
    Have you ever pointed it out directly and asked him about it?
    Also, your explanation sounds reasonable; that the fact that you two are far apart wears on him as time goes on.
    Maybe getting him to recognize that he's doing it will help.

    Comment


      #3
      welcome to the forum and LDR i think its simply LDR.you tend to get little upset and gloomy day by day (at least some people) as you feel sad being apart from your partner.its absolutely normal,what i think is you have to send him random texts as well just showing that you are as supportive as you were always.and i am sure it will get better as you have so many plans coming.at the beginning LDRs are always unusual and the mood swings a lot.you gonna get over it good luck!

      Comment


        #4
        It doesn't sound like there is anything you should be worried about. I think one reason for his changed behaviour might be that you guys ar out of the honeymoon stage in which you're all over each other, sending a thousand texts a day and so on. I happens in every relationship. Of course it's important to keep the spark alive but the amount of time you dedicate to the relationship goes back to a more normal level
        I also think another reason could be the distance. I tend to get a bit more moody when I haven't seen my SO in a while but it sounds like you have a lot of trips planned so I'm sure you guys will be fine!

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Kiyama View Post
          It doesn't sound like there is anything you should be worried about. I think one reason for his changed behaviour might be that you guys ar out of the honeymoon stage in which you're all over each other, sending a thousand texts a day and so on. I happens in every relationship. Of course it's important to keep the spark alive but the amount of time you dedicate to the relationship goes back to a more normal level
          I also think another reason could be the distance. I tend to get a bit more moody when I haven't seen my SO in a while but it sounds like you have a lot of trips planned so I'm sure you guys will be fine!
          I agree with this. I'd also argue that you need more of the "good morning beautiful"s and random "I miss you"s and "I love you"s when you first leave because of the fact you miss that person and have lost that recent connection with them. You went from being able to be affectionate with them in person to being separated by distance and having no way to talk to or reach them unless by phone or internet (mostly). In the same way that having someone's hoodie can make you feel closer to them, I feel that the increased affections are a way of compensating for the fact you can no longer touch or be near your partner. I know that my ex and I were always more affectionate when it came to leaving, once we were back home, than we were after the dust settled and we got used to the distance again.

          Comment


            #6
            Wow, thanks for the responses you guys. What a great site, it's awesome to be able to discuss things that I have concerns about to people who can understand the situation! Especially when it's something minor that I'd rather not bring up to my bf unless it gets to be a real concern.

            Originally posted by TriniCherryPrincess View Post
            Hi, I'm new as well. This will be my first response, ha.
            Have you ever pointed it out directly and asked him about it?
            Also, your explanation sounds reasonable; that the fact that you two are far apart wears on him as time goes on.
            Maybe getting him to recognize that he's doing it will help.
            Well I haven't really brought it up to him directly since it's only been gradually happening over the last week or so. The idea of asking him why he only sends me good morning and not good morning beautiful seems a little dramatic in my head. Haha! Although I'd certainly try to word it a little more tactfully than that.

            Irina_Linn - I do send him random texts occasionally with an ILY or I miss you, and he responds back everytime with I love you too, or I miss you too, which is nice. I have mixed feelings about sending texts like that too often, like I don't want to come off as being needy or seeking attention, when in reality I do enjoy just telling him how I feel or letting him know that I'm thinking of him.

            Anyway, thanks so much for the responses. It's nice to know that all of this sounds pretty "standard", secretly I'm kind of bummed because I really enjoy getting the random thoughful texts, and him being so sweet over the phone. I think once I get to see him again in a couple of weeks all will be great, meanwhile I get to be left alone with my over analytical brain over here trying to solve problems that don't exsist! Haha!

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Kateinlove View Post
              Wow, thanks for the responses you guys. What a great site, it's awesome to be able to discuss things that I have concerns about to people who can understand the situation! Especially when it's something minor that I'd rather not bring up to my bf unless it gets to be a real concern.

              Irina_Linn - I do send him random texts occasionally with an ILY or I miss you, and he responds back everytime with I love you too, or I miss you too, which is nice. I have mixed feelings about sending texts like that too often, like I don't want to come off as being needy or seeking attention, when in reality I do enjoy just telling him how I feel or letting him know that I'm thinking of him.
              forgot to tell ya: dont overdo being sweet its nice to be reminded not bugged

              Comment


                #8
                My SO and I were actually the opposite. After the first visit we were so sad to be apart that it was really difficult for me to talk to him at first without crying. As the weeks went by it got better and better and we both became more affectionate towards one another.

                I think others are right in saying that you're out of the honeymoon stage. Just because he doesn't say such and such, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Look more towards his actions. He is still talking to you each day and making an effort to come see you frequently. That should tell you he's committed to making your relationship work.

                Comment


                  #9
                  I totally agree with the above, what I have found is that the longer you are apart the easier 'another day' is to cope with. You get used to your day-to-day routine and need less contact as you get used to being apart. However of course that doesn't mean you don't need them altogether. I wouldn't worry about it at all, you are still getting the 'good morning' texts which shows he is thinking of you.

                  My LDR kinda feels like a recurring 50-year relationship. For example, being like loved up teens when we're meeting and then being like an old, bickering and less-communicative married couple after a few weeks of being apart. And then it starts up all over again.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Thanks for the input guys! I guess it still feels like the honeymoon stage when we're together, but obviously its most likely because we have spent so much time apart.

                    But I agree we've been together long enough now I probably shouldn't expectso much constant doting!

                    Dandelions- I know what you mean, for me the closer it gets to getting to see him it seems like we both get a little crabbier until the day finally arrives!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I am dealing with something very similar to this as well. (Read my latest blog!) Ever since he had to go back to Virginia, his texts have been less cute, etc.

                      I agree that the honeymoon phase is probably over for you guys, It's good though that you've been trying to rekindle the love again. I'm hoping by the time I see my SO in April, things will be better for us. Good luck to you!
                      Met/First Date: October 18, 2013
                      First Kiss: October 18, 2013
                      We Fell in Love: November 2013
                      First Visit To See Him in TX: November 15-17 2013
                      His Recent Visit To PA: October 18-20 2013

                      LOVE > DISTANCE

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