He read my texts

[ThePiedPiper]

My mom wants us to go for couples counseling, but I'm debating the merits. I feel like without trust, what's the point of fixing it?

Is it possible you could look into any of John Gottman's work? The reason I suggest that over counselling (or at least to be used in conjunction) is because counselling has a rather large chance of relapse within the several months following receiving therapy, whereas John Gottman is able to predict divorce/whether or not a relationship is going to work (if it continues heading down the road it's going) with ~95% success rate. I love his work, find it very applicable to most relationships, and I know that at least a couple of his books have some exercises that you can do with your partner. I'm not sure if he has anything specific in relation to trust but here - https://www.gottman.com - is his website if you're interested. Might be worth looking/reading into. The lack of trust isn't necessarily the end of all ends, but your SO does need to be willing to work through it, especially if he's carrying baggage over from past relationships. Hopefully this is something you two can recover from.

[bethyylovee]

That is not at all a healthy way to approach a relationship. Or life, in general.

It's not healthy that I don't keep any information or secrets from the person I'm going to be living with for the rest of my life? Sorry. You're wrong.

[Tooki]

It's not healthy that I don't keep any information or secrets from the person I'm going to be living with for the rest of my life? Sorry. You're wrong.

It's unrealistic to expect people to be 100% open about everything that happens.

What if a person confides a secret to you? What if you are trying to make a surprise gift for your SO and he comes across some details of that gift? What if you have 'girl problems'?

[bethyylovee]

It's unrealistic to expect people to be 100% open about everything that happens.

What if a person confides a secret to you? What if you are trying to make a surprise gift for your SO and he comes across some details of that gift? What if you have 'girl problems'?

For one thing, he doesn't care when I have girl problems. For two, if someone confides in me something, it's not MY secret. For three, there's a difference between a surprise and a secret.

My example of a perfect relationship is my parents and grandparents. 33 years and 67 years of marriage. I'll take my relationship advice from them.

[Tooki]

For one thing, he doesn't care when I have girl problems. For two, if someone confides in me something at not MY secret. For three, there's a difference between a surprise and a secret.

My example of a perfect relationship is my parents and grandparents. 33 years and 67 years of marriage. I'll take my relationship advice from them.

That is you, not every person in a relationship. It's great that you're so open with your SO. I'm very open with my GF but I don't expect every couple to be as open as my relationship.

With #1, a surprise is a secret yes? With #2, it's not your secret to tell. That's my point.

And go do that. I'm not saying your wrong but there is more than one way to go about things. There is no need to be a tart when bringing your perspective across either.

[bethyylovee]

There is no need to be a tart when bringing your perspective across either.

Very mature.

[Tooki]

Very mature.

Telling TwoThree that her opinion is wrong because it doesn't align with your own ideals?

I'm gonna leave it at that so this thread doesn't go any more off-topic.

[bethyylovee]

Telling TwoThree that her opinion is wrong because it doesn't align with your own ideals?

I'm gonna leave it at that so this thread doesn't go any more off-topic.

Will you just stop? Oh my goodness leave me alone!

[Firefly]

I'd be very upset if my SO went snooping through my phone. My texts are my business. He's offered to let me go through his phone or Facebook or give me his password more than once and I have said no. Some things just need to be private.

[snow_girl]

For two, if someone confides in me something, it's not MY secret.

If I tell my friend something in confidence, I expect her not to go blabbing about it to her boyfriend.

[bethyylovee]

If I tell my friend something in confidence, I expect her not to go blabbing about it to her boyfriend.

That's what I meant. If it's not MY secret I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm saying I don't have any personal secrets from him.

[XxFranticLovexX]

I would be upset if I was taking a break from my relationship, trying to work things out, and my SO felt the need to snoop through my messages looking for things that he found inappropriate or that I have kept from him. I would feel like he didn't trust me and wonder why he felt the need to invade my privacy. I'm not a liar and I don't like people insinuating that I am (ie snooping for things I'm hiding from them). It's none of his business if you are technically not even officially together at that time.

Personally, I don't really keep things from my SO. No, we don't share our passwords (unless asking the other to help us out with something) or snoop through each others things, but if one of us asks about something the other doesn't care to tell them and if we are replying to a message while with each other we don't try to hide it from view. You still have your privacy but at the same time you're still being open and honest with each other. I think this is a good approach, but it may not work for everyone. The only things I keep from him are really when I'm trying to surprise him or a message here and there where I'm talking about him/his family (nothing bad, just embarrassing for him to read lol) to one of my friends online (I have a friendship with them where we are like "OMG BF/GF LOVELOVELOVE OMG GUSHGUSHGUSH!" XD).

Anyway, my point is, yes I would be upset and yes I would have trust issues with them afterwords. I think the therapy thing could help but it can only really help if you let it and that means being open to the idea of the relationship actually working out and you being able to be together again. After you gather your thoughts and decide how you feel I think you should sit him down and talk it out with him so that he knows exactly what page you're on and exactly how you feel about him/the situation. Lack of trust is something that is really hard to overcome for most people.

[blankita719]

To address the issue of everyone going off topic about whether its ok or not ok to share passwords or keep secrets from you SO - there are a ton of other threads that discuss this issue. The problem here is that Rugger has an issue with it and wanted to talk about it. Sooo, back to the real topic.

Rugger - I'm sorry, I know I read what his reasoning behind snooping was, but did he apologize? Does he understand he violated your trust? I think these would be my deciding factors on attempting any sort of counseling with him. Because if he knows he did wrong, then there's a better possibility that he's learned from this and won't do it again. If he pushes off like he was completely justified, then I would be more hesitant. Keep us posted. I've been thinking of you and wondering how things were going with you moving back in with your parents. I'm sorry that this has happened.

[Rugger]

I talked to him tonight. I explained how hurt I was that he would even think I was cheating. I told him how he obviously didn't trust me and how now I can't trust him. He said sorry but then gave a bunch of excuses why he felt the need to. When I asked him why he did it, he said he didn't know. He didn't start getting really apologetic until i told him I couldn't be in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. The two of use cried for like 2 hours, talking in between, with him refusing to let me go. I told him I didn't feel the spark anymore and that I couldn't go on lying to him. Every time I said this, he countered with "But I think we can work it out".

I seriously have no tears left because the teo of us cried to much. I felt like the worst person on the world and him blubbering and pounding the floor broke my heart all over again. We agreed to try couples counseling, with the addendum that if it fails, he has to let me go. I cannot pretend to be happy anymore and I cannot trust him. I put a passcode on my phone and I'm never leaving it near him again. Even though he said he'd never do it again, I don't believe him. He shattered whatever hope I had.

[marbear31]

Awww Rugger, your story is absolutely breaking my heart!! I've been following this thread, and I'm truly sorry for what he did to you. I think it says a lot about his mindset towards you that he's pretty much willing to grasp at anything, even hypothetical texts, to find fault in you.

However, some of the language you used in describing what happened really struck me as well. "Blubbering" and "pounding the floor"--those would be words I'd use, personally, to describe a child's actions. It almost seems like you pity him more than love him at this point, and not that there's anything wrong or unjustifiable about your feelings, but maybe that could be something to look at in this couples' counseling--a springboard of sorts, to understand how you approach this relationship. Once you have clarity on how much you're willing to work on your partnership--if you are at all--I think you'll know what the right move is.

At this point, I think couples' counseling is a very wise move. Maybe having a third party there to simply listen will allow both of you to have an open space to simply to hear each other out, without all the past insinuations and situations brimming to the forefront of your objective capabilities towards this relationship.

From reading your posts on this forum, and the grace of your words in general, I gather you are a strong, independent, incredibly intelligent woman who won't let anyone blindside or guilt her into submission. Regardless of what this couples' counseling results in, know that I admire you greatly for your finesse in handling this situation. I'm here if you ever need to talk, and I hope everything works out for you two the way it should, and, most of all, that you end up happy.