He read my texts

[Rugger]

As you guys know, my SO and I have hit a rough patch. I've moved back in with my parents and visit him weekends mostly.


Last night I went to our apartment bc of the snow. We were having a great time drinking and watching tv. I was texting some friends from work as was he. Before I went to bed, I showered. When I came out, he was camped on the couch and started yelling at me about what was going on and who a friend that I had texted was.

He went into my phone while I was in the shower and read my messages! I am beyond livid. We talked last night and I thought I was okay with it bit it's been picking at me all day and I'm not okay. I've been working so hard to make everything better and now it feels like what's the point? If he can't trust me , how can we fix things?


I'm going to talk to him tomorrow since he's already been drinking tonight, but I just needed to vent and maybe get some advice.

[snow_girl]

I'm really sorry! I don't have any advice but I would be super pissed if my SO read my texts as I've been texting a lot about him and they are none of his freaking business! I hope you are able to talk about it when your bring it up, that is def not cool. I have a passcode of my phone, maybe you should set one up as well?

[ThePiedPiper]

I would be quite furious as well and as snow_girl said, it would be grounds for me to set up a passcode on my phone. It would feel like a complete violation of privacy to me and it would do more damage to my trust in the relationship than I would argue almost anything else.

I feel like if you don't have trust in a relationship, what do you have? What happened happened but it wasn't your fault and you handled it as appropriately as anyone ever could. Your SO can't punish you for that and shouldn't flip every time you're texting someone of the opposite sex that he may or may not know about. :/ What I would honestly do is confront him about it and talk to him about why he did it and why he felt the need to. I feel like this is one of those situations where x feels entitled to doing y because z happened and now he feels entitled to a certain course of action. I tell people who are willing to forgive cheating that it's not something they can bring up or something they can allow to effect their behaviour; they are making the choice to move past it and in doing so, are relinquishing all rights to become obsessed with their partner's behaviour or who they're talking to. And you didn't even cheat! So my advice is even stronger in your SO's case.

Honestly, if it comes down to it, what I would confront him with is whether or not this relationship is something he still wants to make work. It's not fair for you to be putting in three times the effort and it sounds like at this point, you're trying 10 times harder than he is. There are a lot of women who end up stuck, unhappy and miserable 50% or more of the time in their relationships because they're trying to make it work (suppose I shouldn't say "women," cause it's happened to men too) and their partner isn't as "in" it as they are. And a relationship isn't going to work if only one person is holding it together. The other person needs to put in the same amount of effort if it's going to happen the way both partners want, and if this is an issue (you trying to make it work while he hasn't so much), then I'd confront him with it, because he needs to be held accountable for his behaviour and not allowed to treat you passive aggressively when he should talk to you like an adult if he's not fully over something.

[blankita719]

Privacy is a HUGE concern for me, so I would be pissed beyond belief. I would also add a password lock to my phone as well.

Can't add more than what the other two ladies have said. Just, I know how violating this feels.

[MadMolly]

Reading texts is an absolute deal-breaker for me.

[rubydissolution]

That's such a huge violation of privacy. Its part of the reason I have a pin lock on my phone. I trust my bf, and the lock has nothing to do with him. Its more about anyone who might feel the need to nose through my phone. I would confront him and find out wth he felt the need to go through ur phone. Ur texts are none of his business.

[Jezah]

I am probably the only one who doesn't care if my SO read my txts. However, I also have like no life so even if he did it wouldn't reveal anything. I am also 100% open with my SO, he knows everything I do/talk about/who I see and vice versa. That said, if me and him were in a rough patch and trying to make things work, and he snooped through my phone I would feel hurt that he was so suspicious. Trust is huge in a relationship, and as someone who is having trust problems with her own SO...I can tell you that him not trusting you is a huge deal. Its odd how not trusting your SO whittles away at the relationship, your feelings and how much crap it can cause. Perhaps try and find out why exactly he felt he needed to snoop your txts? Why he was so insecure as to double check on you. Lack of trust is toxic

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Pretty much agree with what everyone else has posted, I think it's massively unfair of him.

I can understand how he feels a bit alone and insecure, unfortunately, I think reading your texts and assuming you're cheating shows that he thinks the problems are on your end, not his.

On the one hand, I think you should call him out on it, because reading your texts isn't cool, but on the other hand, if you still want the relationship to work, you need to find a way to make him feel more secure and trusting. You've not done anything wrong, I'm not trying to say that you have, but when you're a bit paranoid and uncomfortable, even if your SO has done nothing wrong, it helps for them to be reassuring. There's a limit to how much YOU can help him feeling insecure, but it's something to keep in mind when you have this conversation.

[Tooki]

My GF is one who (more or less) demands that I share my messages/text messages with her. I'm fine with sharing most things with her (because I love her) but we have had arguments over this because I don't want her to read certain emails or I just don't want to share a certain conversation with her. Whenever I change my passwords or my phone's passcode, she will demand me to tell her it as soon as she finds out about the change. If I don't tell her straight away, my GF will make it into an argument that I have no chance of controlling so I usually just give it to her immediately.

Rugger, your SO definitely crossed the line by taking the phone without your knowledge (or consent) and making a presumption without any clarification from yourself. It could also be his own insecurities that prompted him to check your phone, perhaps to see that you have been obedient etc.

[kacie]

My SO and I have each others passwords for email/fb etc but we still ask if we are going to use it

[dragonlady]

that is the reason why my ex and i broke up...
very jealous.. cant do anything about it..
good luck girl big hug!!

[snow_girl]

My SO and I have each others passwords for email/fb etc but we still ask if we are going to use it

What on earth would you need to use someone elses fb or email for?

[MissButterfly]

What on earth would you need to use someone elses fb or email for?

I need my SO's email because he gets important information about taxes and payments sometimes, but its in Dutch so he can't read it. I translate the important things and send them back, so he knows what to do with it. But other than that, I can't think of a reason either.

As for the original topic, that's just sad.. I really hope you guys can have a good talk about it because you honestly did nothing wrong. My SO doesn't really have a phone so he plays games on mine, and I'm lucky he can't speak Dutch so if I do talk about him he wouldn't understand, but I feel really sorry for you that you're in this situation right now, on top of the rough patch you were already going through. I don't really have much advice, just wish you the best of luck!

[Xanahtas]

What on earth would you need to use someone elses fb or email for?

Me and my SO are the same. Sometimes he needs me to get on his facebook to get something from his messages, sometimes i ring him and ask him to go into my emails and get a piece of info for me. I check his emails for him when he asks me to because he's often doing something else. We never go into them without asking the other first though.

I have nothing more to add to this, everyone else has covered it. But this is terrible and it really shows a huge lack of trust.

[bethyylovee]

I am probably the only one who doesn't care if my SO read my txts. However, I also have like no life so even if he did it wouldn't reveal anything. I am also 100% open with my SO, he knows everything I do/talk about/who I see and vice versa.

That's my boat too. I wouldn't be upset because Stephen knows my every move, and I know everything about his. We're a team, we work together not separately. If you're going to be married to someone for the rest of your life, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. He broke your trust by going through your phone, but did he find something you were trying to hide? You wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

It's a two way road, and you guys aren't going to solve anything by keeping secrets.

I'm sorry to sound like bitch here, I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them. How will the relationship function properly with grey areas?