He read my texts

[WakeUpSusie]

It does happen, Rugger. And it isn't your fault that your feelings change. Sometimes it just... happens. Just be honest a d forthcoming with your feelings and it will all work out for the best. If its meant to be, you will figure something out. If not, you will heal. It will be all right. You BOTH will be all right.

I wish you all the strength you are going to need in the coming weeks for whatever it is that will happen <3

[summerkid]

this is heartbreaking.. I am truly sorry and am keeping my fingers crossed....
I want to believe that people can find their way back into love....but that's just me being hopeful/romantic/naive. And btw, couple therapists are most definitely not just for married couples.
I hope you both will be fine.

[ThePiedPiper]

Why can't I love him anymore? he's amazing.

Because sometimes we love someone as a person while no longer being in love with them. No matter how perfect they are or they seem, no matter how much of a "fit" they might be at one stage of our lives, sometimes something happens and we can't get over it or sometimes we simply grow beyond that stage. Sometimes two people grow apart and there's no reason for it. It can be hard, when it happens, because there is nothing to do but accept it. You can't rationalise and say, "well we had this horrible fight and we both said too much before we could stop it" or "she/he cheated on me, so it's their loss anyway." You're left to simply accept the fact that something happened and there's no reason. There's no real why. It's simply something that happens to some couples some of the time, and sometimes it happens dramatically and sometimes it happens easily, and sometimes it happens to one but not the other. Sometimes the why [it happened] is the same as the what [happened]. And as hard as it may seem, it's entirely possible to love an amazing person for who they are while still no longer seeing that person as what they used to be to you.

The one thing I am wondering is why so much of this is about how he's feeling and not how you're feeling? You're a very selfless person to be thinking of him at a time like this. You really are, and so strong to have even come this far, but it seems like every time you talk about counselling, it's on behalf of him/your relationship, and every time you talk about breaking up, you connect it to how badly you feel that you're doing this to him/hurting him like this/etc.? I do think that in counselling, maybe a goal should be to focus more on yourself and your needs? I can honestly understand not wanting to break someone else's heart. I tried so hard to make my relationship work for that reason, but I also had to eventually stop and say, "hey, I'm worth it too." And you are too. Your decision, regardless of the outcome it has for him, is as important and possibly even more important than looking out for his well being. You are also a part of this relationship, and there's nothing wrong with you for having fallen out of love. As I said, sometimes it happens and maybe someone can put it more gracefully than I, but do remember, you matter too; your happiness is as important as his.

[SeeRat]

I really feel soo bad that it happened to you. I feel sorry for your SO too. You seem to have fallen out of love but he still wants to make it work so its kinda more painful to him. Its not your fault that feelings have changed its just sort of not in your control. I really admire you for still feeling hurt for him and for counselling. I hope you both will be fine in the end no matter what happens... You really are a selfless person

I want to believe that people can find their way back into love....but that's just me being hopeful/romantic/naive.

Want to believe this too...

[Malaga]

Why can't I love him anymore? he's amazing.

Rugger, please don't be so hard on yourself. Yes he gave you a thoughtful present but at the same time he's riddled with doubts about your honesty and loyalty. When someone shows fundamental doubts about your integrity like that and breaches your trust like he has, it makes them really hard to love and they make it really hard for you to put effort in the relationship anymore. It's not your fault and maybe it isn't his either, but this situation didn't exactly come out of nowhere, it was a series of actions and reactions that lead to it. I don't want to put blame on him and I don't think he's really a bad person, but romantic gestures alone don't make him so amazing either. I just want to help you keep focus on the real issues that you'll be trying to solve at counselling.

Good luck xx

[Rugger]

Because sometimes we love someone as a person while no longer being in love with them. No matter how perfect they are or they seem, no matter how much of a "fit" they might be at one stage of our lives, sometimes something happens and we can't get over it or sometimes we simply grow beyond that stage. Sometimes two people grow apart and there's no reason for it. It can be hard, when it happens, because there is nothing to do but accept it. You can't rationalise and say, "well we had this horrible fight and we both said too much before we could stop it" or "she/he cheated on me, so it's their loss anyway." You're left to simply accept the fact that something happened and there's no reason. There's no real why. It's simply something that happens to some couples some of the time, and sometimes it happens dramatically and sometimes it happens easily, and sometimes it happens to one but not the other. Sometimes the why [it happened] is the same as the what [happened]. And as hard as it may seem, it's entirely possible to love an amazing person for who they are while still no longer seeing that person as what they used to be to you.

The one thing I am wondering is why so much of this is about how he's feeling and not how you're feeling? You're a very selfless person to be thinking of him at a time like this. You really are, and so strong to have even come this far, but it seems like every time you talk about counselling, it's on behalf of him/your relationship, and every time you talk about breaking up, you connect it to how badly you feel that you're doing this to him/hurting him like this/etc.? I do think that in counselling, maybe a goal should be to focus more on yourself and your needs? I can honestly understand not wanting to break someone else's heart. I tried so hard to make my relationship work for that reason, but I also had to eventually stop and say, "hey, I'm worth it too." And you are too. Your decision, regardless of the outcome it has for him, is as important and possibly even more important than looking out for his well being. You are also a part of this relationship, and there's nothing wrong with you for having fallen out of love. As I said, sometimes it happens and maybe someone can put it more gracefully than I, but do remember, you matter too; your happiness is as important as his.

The problem everyone seems t be having with this is that they keep asking me WHY I don't feel like that, WHAT happened? And honestly I don't know. I just feel differently. It's not like he did something or something happened. I just noticed I wasn't as excited to spend time with him. All of a sudden, I didn't want to have sex with him, which I kept doing anyway because he'd badger me and pout until I said yes. One day I finally snapped at him "NO means NO". I have a lot of issues with that because of my ex. I wasn't allowed to say no to him, he used to tell me he'd break up with me if I didn't have sex with him. He'd coerce me into it even when I didn't feel like it and more than once I'd say no and he'd do what he wanted anyway. I only stopped having sex with my SO about a month ago. We've had sex twice since then.

If it was something that caused my shift in feelings, I could fix it. He and I could talk about it and work it out. ANd If we could work on that I could work on forgiving him for doing what he did. I wouldn't give up if I knew how to fix it.

[ThePiedPiper]

The problem everyone seems t be having with this is that they keep asking me WHY I don't feel like that, WHAT happened? And honestly I don't know. I just feel differently. It's not like he did something or something happened. I just noticed I wasn't as excited to spend time with him. All of a sudden, I didn't want to have sex with him, which I kept doing anyway because he'd badger me and pout until I said yes. One day I finally snapped at him "NO means NO". I have a lot of issues with that because of my ex. I wasn't allowed to say no to him, he used to tell me he'd break up with me if I didn't have sex with him. He'd coerce me into it even when I didn't feel like it and more than once I'd say no and he'd do what he wanted anyway. I only stopped having sex with my SO about a month ago. We've had sex twice since then.

If it was something that caused my shift in feelings, I could fix it. He and I could talk about it and work it out. ANd If we could work on that I could work on forgiving him for doing what he did. I wouldn't give up if I knew how to fix it.

See, that was what I tried to convey in my post though. Sometimes the answer to "why did you fall out of love?" is "I fell out of love." It's one of those things that sometimes happens without rhyme or reason. It sometimes happens gradually and sometimes it happens suddenly. You don't owe anyone a reason. Maybe next time someone asks, tell them that you would tell them if you knew but you'd appreciate it if they stop pressuring you for an answer because it's hard enough as it is? I mean maybe this is one area where you need to tell them directly to stop asking questions. The problem is you're right, people want what they consider to be "good" reasons - the dramatic blow outs you see happening in Hollywood or some dark and uncovered secret - and sometimes there isn't one. Sometimes there are problems in the relationship, sure, and maybe they could be fixed, but you stop caring about fixing them; you stop wanting to, and that doesn't necessarily have one. And I found that I needed to tell the people who didn't understand that to stop pressuring me into thinking I could fix my relationship when what it all came down to was I was no longer in love, and it happened without my consent. I didn't like the situation any more than some people in my life did, but it happened and they needed to respect what happened, and if they weren't going to support me when I needed it, then maybe we shouldn't talk about it. You don't need people pushing you for an answer right now. From your SO? That may be the place in the process he's at (though it honestly sounds like he's using the tantrums/pouting thing a lot to manipulate you, whether or not it's conscious? First into sex and now into staying with him?) right now, but from everyone else? You don't deserve that, and I think it'd be fine to tell them politely to more or less back off...

[Moon]

It's perfectly OK to answer with "I don't know". Feelings and emotions are funny, oftentimes stupid, things that can't always be explained and can just change on us. There is no logic to them, which is why "I don't know" is an honest and truthful explanation, there aren't always solid reasons, it's like that for all of us. At this point, you don't have to answer to anybody about this, if the questioning goes in a direction that isn't comfortable for you, it's not their business. People, including your SO, need to back off you right now and give you some time to breathe and clear your head, do not be afraid to make that clear to all of them. Don't kill yourself with trying to find the answer either, it's not as important than the outcome in the end, worry about that part of it first, because you might never figure out how or why exactly your feelings changed.

If you want to fight for this, then I think you should. I don't know if it'll work, and I'm not sure if you can fall back in love with someone, but at the very least, you'll always know you tried your best and gave it everything you had.

[loneliestgirl]

I really don't have specific advice or opinions about what is going that would help shed light in a constructive way. I honestly can see both your side and your SO's side based on the information shared. I understand your reaction and feelings to what has happened. And I can put myself in your SO's place and imagine the thoughts he must be feeling as well.

I think couples therapy is a good idea even if it only serves as a safe and controlled place to discuss the relationship with an objective third party to guide and help interpret yours and your SO's feelings and emotions to each other.

I also think that an individual session or two with the counselor would benefit yourself just so you are able to suss out your mixed feelings that are obviously bothering you. At the very least it could help you being okay with not knowing why you feel the way you do or not knowing why or how you fell out of love and put to rest that internal struggle with or without a clear answer.

[Zephii]

I have no decent advice, so I'm just shutting up. I just wanted you to know I've been following your posts and I'm thinking of you. I really hope things start looking up for you soon *hugs*

[Rugger]

The only thing that mattered to me the entire time we were together was him being happy. I was happy because I made him happy so it's really hard for me to hurt him like this. I didn't even thing breaking up with someone ( or attempting to) would hurt this much. I would rather have been dumped than this.

I haven't texted him or contacted him at all since he left. He didn't return anything so I'm going to leave him alone. I don't think he wants to talk to me. He has however talked to my parents and my brother thanking them for allowing him into our family. I'll wait til he's ready to talk to me and then I can tell him that if he still wants to go , I scheduled a counseling session for us.

I had today off and kept busy all day because allowing myself to fall back into my mind is agony. Thank you guys so much for your continued support.

[Thoth]

Initially, we apologize for not reading every post which is situated in this thread. Although we have something which we feel inclined to share with those who observe this thread. We would like to address that you should not have a problem with your SO examining your texts, or anything else. Although our assertion may seem radical, it is actually rational. Whilst in a relationship, you should have nothing to hide from your SO. We don't have much more to say, other than the criticism presented already. We believe it's best that you do not speak negatively about your SO on text or whatever, or not to text the opposite sex in ANY way provocatively. We believe it is best if you simply think about how you would feel if your SO texted the same thing. That's all, thanks for reading.

[Rugger]

Initially, we apologize for not reading every post which is situated in this thread. Although we have something which we feel inclined to share with those who observe this thread. We would like to address that you should not have a problem with your SO examining your texts, or anything else. Although our assertion may seem radical, it is actually rational. Whilst in a relationship, you should have nothing to hide from your SO. We don't have much more to say, other than the criticism presented already. We believe it's best that you do not speak negatively about your SO on text or whatever, or not to text the opposite sex in ANY way provocatively. We believe it is best if you simply think about how you would feel if your SO texted the same thing. That's all, thanks for reading.

I wouldn't have had a problem if he had just asked me. I had nothing to hide. It's the fact that he doesn't trust me that hurts. I resent that implication that I was the one who was doing something wrong. He crossed a line by invading my privacy without asking. Yes, I have a problem with the fact he doesn't trust me. I've done nothing to deserve that. I've never cheated on him. I've never lied to him. I've never done anything to warrant what he did. I don't feel the need to check his texts because I trusted him. Just because I have friends who are male doesn't mean me texting them is wrong. I'm allowed to have male friends, just like he is allowed to have female friends. He has many of them whom I trust him with. I wasn't texting about him. I was texting about stupid shit with my friends and co-workers and there is nothing wrong with that.

It's not rational, in fact it's just the opposite. Everyone has a right to privacy. Just because you two share everything with each other, doesn't mean that those of who want out own space are irrational. It means we are normal humans.

[Kristin91]

Initially, we apologize for not reading every post which is situated in this thread. Although we have something which we feel inclined to share with those who observe this thread. We would like to address that you should not have a problem with your SO examining your texts, or anything else. Although our assertion may seem radical, it is actually rational. Whilst in a relationship, you should have nothing to hide from your SO. We don't have much more to say, other than the criticism presented already. We believe it's best that you do not speak negatively about your SO on text or whatever, or not to text the opposite sex in ANY way provocatively. We believe it is best if you simply think about how you would feel if your SO texted the same thing. That's all, thanks for reading.

Even if she wasn't talking about her SO (which I'm sure we've all vented to someone or other about our SO at one point), her texts are private. He should respect her privacy.

[Tooki]

Initially, we apologize for not reading every post which is situated in this thread. Although we have something which we feel inclined to share with those who observe this thread. We would like to address that you should not have a problem with your SO examining your texts, or anything else. Although our assertion may seem radical, it is actually rational. Whilst in a relationship, you should have nothing to hide from your SO. We don't have much more to say, other than the criticism presented already. We believe it's best that you do not speak negatively about your SO on text or whatever, or not to text the opposite sex in ANY way provocatively. We believe it is best if you simply think about how you would feel if your SO texted the same thing. That's all, thanks for reading.

The issue for me (and Rugger for that matter) is that her SO looked at the messages without asking Rugger. It's also rational to think that one would want to maintain their own privacy. It's radical to expect everybody to want to be an open book.