Input requested!

[fashionbarbie]

My SO and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost three years. We became re-aquainted through Facebook; we live 400 miles away. He's 51 and I'm 49. We dated in college, so did have a previous relationship for nine months back then.

I was visiting him last weekend. Monday morning he was seemed agitated, and starting talking about how overwhelmed he is. He's been stressed out about work since October. Anyway, he told me he wanted to "take a break" so he can have time and space to think about what he really wants.

Since we obviously don't see each other on a daily basis, I don't get the "take a break". I didn't say much, I told him that I don't do "breaks", only break ups. He said he didn't want to break up, just take a step back to evaluate our relationship.

That was last Monday, he's e-mailed me short e-mails, called a few times (I didn't talk to him), texted me and sent me red roses for Valentine's Day. I've not responded to any of his communication; if he wants time and space, why does he keep contacting me?

An old friend died last night, and he commented on Facebook.

He's also told me that he'd like to talk to me, not about our relationship, but just general stuff. I don't know if it's a good idea.

This is all surprising. He's always been very even keel and low drama. I always felt that we had a good relationship, not lots of arguing, etc.

So, should I talk to him, or continue no contact to give him a good idea of life without me, and also to give him what he asked for in the first place.

Thanks!

[snow_girl]

I don't understand why you are avoiding him, its clear he doesn't want the space that bad and would like to talk. Listen to what he has to say.

[MissButterfly]

He just wanted a break, and now you're ignoring him. Taking a break is usually not completely cutting off all communication. If you want your relationship to work well, then just give him the space he needs but talk to him when he seeks your contact. Now he probably even feels worse because you're upset about him wanting some space, that most likely won't get either of you anywhere.. Some space also doesn't mean 'experiencing life without you'. Why do you not think it's a good idea to talk to him if you love him and are in a relationship? Are you just playing a game here or are you angry at him?

[fashionbarbie]

I'm extremely frustrated at how he's handled this situation.

I don't understand wanting time and space and still wanting to talk.

Something just seems "off" to me, I guess. There's nothing to lose by talking to him, I do love him.

[fashionbarbie]

Also, to me "taking a break" usually means breaking up the slow way.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't see how being hurt by someone needing space and then continuing to talk to them is wrong. My ex broke up with me, wanted space but simultaneously still wanted to talk, and it was probably the hardest thing I ever did because it felt like he wanted to be with me without really being with me and it always felt like the boundaries were constantly being rewritten and re-established. I don't think there's anything wrong with, at 49, not wanting to do the whole "I need space but I still want to talk to you" thing. I think most people would be hurt if after three years, someone decided that they didn't want to break-up but they needed to re-evaluate what they wanted. I, like the OP, am not someone who happily converses with someone during that time because it's usually messy and confusing.

That said, to the OP, if you did agree to give him space/take a break, then I think you do need to talk to him about what his expectations for the break are. Maybe hear out what he has to say but then bring up that you're confused by the fact he asked for space and some time to think about the relationship and what he wants and so you've been trying to respect it, but it's hard for you to lie in wait in limbo while he decides what he does or doesn't want. Maybe you're like me and your terms of the break need to be space to avoid further hurt and confusion, or maybe you're the opposite of me and can handle contact while on a break. However, I will say that it is important to figure out what he means and how much space he's actually wanting, for your own sanity. I would be frustrated as well and having been in your situation, I can say I understand it and I honestly don't think you're doing anything wrong other than maybe you've both sort of stumbled in not defining what the break means and what you both need while it's taken, whether that's space 100% or to still talk to each other.

[digitalfever]

It's really daunting to think that 50-something year old men are pulling the "I need space" line. I personally don't believe in space and think that if you need space from a relationship then it's over.

However, I would reach out to him so that you can discuss your break and it's terms.

[Moon]

I'm not a big believer in breaks either, and also feel it's just a slow way to break up. That being said, I agree that you should get in touch with him, and set some expectations for this "break", he shouldn't get it both ways, while you're left confused and hurt. If something doesn't feel right to you, don't ignore that feeling.

Do you know much about his relationship history? I think it's important to take your clues from it, a 51 year old is pretty set in his ways. Has he been married, or had very long term relationships before? If not, that would be a huge red flag to me. What caused his other break-ups? See if you can find a pattern, if you know enough about them. Knowing something about his past is a good way to determine if there's any future in your relationship. Good luck.

[fashionbarbie]

He was married for 11 years, it broke up because his wife fell in love with another man and wanted a divorce.

He's been divorced for ten years. Before we got together, his relationships were mostly 6-9 months long.

The terms of the break are that he's not going to be dating or looking to date and that he wants to communicate "on my terms". He also gave me a time frame of 4-6 weeks.

I just feel tempted to break it off completely. Fifty one year old men doing the "I need space" is ridiculous, IMO.

I don't think I'm interested in just casual communication, I have plenty of friends to shoot the breeze with.

[LittleBox]

I don't believe in taking breaks either, however if it does happen I don't think a break entails completely cutting off all communications. It doesn't mean he doesn't care care for you anymore and taking a step back to reevaluate things without any form of communication won't really solve anything. Maybe he got muddled because he wanted to take a break but you didn't want to and saw it either being fully committed to a relationship or breaking up completely, nothing in between. Ignoring him really isn't helping matters. I think you ought to talk to him and figure out what you both need to do to make your relationship work.

[fashionbarbie]

The timing of how he brought this up was upsetting to me. I was there for four days, and he brings this up 45 minutes before I have to leave.

[snow]

I don't understand why you are avoiding him, its clear he doesn't want the space that bad and would like to talk. Listen to what he has to say.

I am with snow_girl here.
He probably wanted space because it might have even been too overwhelming for him, he might have been stressed out and he just needed some time to cool off. But maybe just those couple hours or days were enough and now he's missing you and looks for contact. I wouldn't ignore it.

[Moon]

He was married for 11 years, it broke up because his wife fell in love with another man and wanted a divorce.

He's been divorced for ten years. Before we got together, his relationships were mostly 6-9 months long.

The terms of the break are that he's not going to be dating or looking to date and that he wants to communicate "on my terms". He also gave me a time frame of 4-6 weeks.

I just feel tempted to break it off completely. Fifty one year old men doing the "I need space" is ridiculous, IMO.

I don't think I'm interested in just casual communication, I have plenty of friends to shoot the breeze with.

Sorry to hear it, my guy and I are both in our 40's, if he said to me something like "I have xxxxxx going on in the next few weeks, we won't be able to talk much until it's over" I'd be OK with that, sometimes life gets in the way of things, but I agree, the "space" thing at this point of life is just silly. By now, we should be experienced enough to know if a relationship is something we want to pursue, or not.

[loneliestgirl]

I think you should contact him and see what he wants. If he is looking to get the support of a girlfriend without actually having to be a boyfriend, then that is something you will need to decide if you want to put yourself in that position.

You have been together for the last 3 years. Happy ones from your account. If he is overwhelmed with other non-relationship issues, I would imagine he would look to you for support. Not, to re-evaluate the relationship when the problem is strictly work. What happens when work gets rough again? He takes a leave of absence again from the relationship? I would be annoyed, hurt and confused as well. It sounds like he is doing all the things a boyfriend does so I don't understand where the break is. Is it just the visiting? Is it he wants you to be there for him but doesn't want you to bring your feelings about other things in your life or seek his support to him?

I don't believe in breaks either. Personally, I think it was messed up he waited to until the very last minute to tell you what he was thinking. He may have been hoping to just tell you without having to discuss it or deal with the fallout or your feelings.

I think you should ask yourself if this is what you want. If you don't want a break but he doesn't want a relationship, would you feel ok walking away? If you have certain terms for the break, you are entitled for them to be discussed and honored. It doesn't have to be just whatever and however he wants for this break.

[Black_Halloween]

Guys that age are still pulling that bull crap? ugh ~.~ I don't believe in breaks, I think that if two people have an issue they need to sit down and work it out together. Plus, at his age he should know what he wants and doesn't want out of a relationship before getting into one. If I were you i'd straight up ask him whats going on in his head, why is he so hesitant and decide from there if he's worth perusing or not.