Feeling neglected

[MTK]

I also think that you should talk to her about her not reading your letters. I think that is very rude of her to do that because i am sure that you put a lot of heart into those letters and with her complete disregard of that it doesn't really send good signals to you and it makes me wonder how much she appreciates you and your efforts.

[KyleTheMan]

Well i talked to her. She felt so bad as i thought. Told me she was crying. Even though i was as sensitive as i could.

I asked her about the letter and video . I asked her why she hasn't read it yet. She told me because she recently changed her daily schedule. After work, she goes to her bedroom to play some casual games on her laptop. Apparently that's why she hasn't gotten around to watching or reading the video and letter.

I asked her about Skype voice chat and about us talking more often via webcam while she replies via IM. She said she didn't know about the webcam idea but she said we could try. About Skype voice chatting, she simply told me "I can't promise you anything right now". Although she told me i can call her anytime i want on her cellphone.

I asked about getting new photos. She said she would but i "need to be patient".

Then i told her how my parents think something is up with us. How i haven't received anything from her yet. How we never voice chat. They think something is wrong. I told her this to warn her. I don't want my family getting the wrong idea about her.

She tried to shift the blame on me. Telling me that i'm just impatient. That its my fault my parents think something is wrong. I tried to apologize. She just told me "I have nothing more to say"

We just said our good byes for the day and here i am. She's angry at me. I have no idea what i did wrong. I'm really trying my best to keep her happy, which she told me she is. But this is exhausting for me. Giving so much and not receiving anything back. Really exhausting, not to mention frustrating.

I'll update if anything happens when we talk tomorrow. Thank you for listening.

[MTK]

Okay, the moment that i read that her reason for not reading your letters was because she was playing some videogames, i was offended on your behalf. I get the impression that she values videogames(or any other thing) more then reading your letters, which isn't that great when you think about the fact that letters are an important thing in LDRs. Getting a package from your SO is supposed to be something special, and getting a handwritten letter means so much more and gives it a another dimension.

You have in no way done anything wrong in bringing this up to her and it is not fair to you that she tried to blame you for something that you really need to talk about.
Her excuse that you are impatient are also rather lacking, she has used that excuse before, right?
If she was doing everything in her power to make you happy, then i doubt she would have thrown around the blame like that, then she would have listened to what you wee trying to say and take that to heart. But that is my opinion.

Did you feel like you got anything settled at all during your conversation?

[BoogleBee]

You have not done anything wrong at all! So don't feel bad about it. I think she needs to think over the way she is treating you. Like MTK said about the videogames instead of reading the letter..that is mean. I'm sure it wouldn't take that much time to read your special letter. And I know that if I was in your position sending everything, doing a lot and getting nothing back I would feel rather hurt too. And you asking about pictures is not you being impatient. Me and my SO send photos every morning. I think you should really try to get her to do webcam sometimes and voicechat. Its cheaper for you than calling her (i think..?) and it's fun! If she seems to just simply refuse you should maybe ask her why she is so against it.
Videos, letters, webcam, skype voice chat...are all important for LDR's, to make the distance hurt less. You will need to talk to her again...but I think she needs to be open to the conversation. Maybe she knows that she is in the wrong in some ways..and that is why she shifted the blame onto you, because she knows you are right.

[KyleTheMan]

Thank you both for the replies.

You have in no way done anything wrong in bringing this up to her and it is not fair to you that she tried to blame you for something that you really need to talk about.

You have not done anything wrong at all! So don't feel bad about it.

That's good to know. Deep down i know i've done nothing wrong. But i tend to be open-minded and i often think too much when in conflict with her. Sometimes i cant help but question if it really is me. But i know i haven't done anything wrong. It feels good to have some support on that as well. Thank you both.

Her excuse that you are impatient are also rather lacking, she has used that excuse before, right?
If she was doing everything in her power to make you happy, then i doubt she would have thrown around the blame like that, then she would have listened to what you wee trying to say and take that to heart. But that is my opinion.

Did you feel like you got anything settled at all during your conversation?

Yeah, she's used that before. She tells me she'll do all these things and more one day but i have to be patient. But months keep passing and i haven't seen anything. Writing her love poems is becoming harder and harder since she isn't giving me any love to write with. Not only that but she used to be a bit more affectionate than this. She suddenly became colder and yeah, she's not reading my letter or watching my videos anymore. She's focusing more on her job and university studies. But like it was said. It shouldn't take her more than 3 minutes to read my letter, even less than that. Despite all this she says she's happy with the relationship and is looking forward to the future.

She gets like that when she's feeling bad. She tells me her self-esteem hurts and she gets defensive when something threatens it, like not keeping her boyfriend happy. So she often shifts the blame onto me and/or says things she doesn't mean.

Well, i think i made it clear that i'm not happy with how things are going. She said i can call her anytime i want. Maybe i'll buy Skype credits and use that to call her. It'll be a lot cheaper for sure. Not much else, we still have a lot to talk about but she wasn't in the mood to talk more this morning so she went to bed. She was feeling really terrible.

I think you should really try to get her to do webcam sometimes and voicechat. Its cheaper for you than calling her (i think..?) and it's fun! If she seems to just simply refuse you should maybe ask her why she is so against it.
Videos, letters, webcam, skype voice chat...are all important for LDR's, to make the distance hurt less. You will need to talk to her again...but I think she needs to be open to the conversation. Maybe she knows that she is in the wrong in some ways..and that is why she shifted the blame onto you, because she knows you are right.

I tried to offer her a webcam. She didn't want one. I tried to get her to voice chat more, her reply was "I can't promise you anything right now". I even offered to be the one to use the webcam while she talks to me via IM. She just said "Maybe".

I don't know why she resists so much. The first time we talked on Skype, we where nervous but we both laughed a lot and we had fun. Even she admitted it that it was lots of fun. I'm just beginning to think that she's not into the relationship as much as i am. Perhaps having a boyfriend to talk on IM is convenient for her somehow and she doesn't feel the need to do more than that. Ah, random speculation, don't mind me.

We used to talk around 4-5 hours a day, everyday, for months. Lately its down to 2 hours and we don't talk on some days.

Oh yes, i just remembered that one of the reasons she doesn't like voice chatting is because she doesn't like awkward silences. She told me that this morning as we talked about this. Awkward silences happen all the time, even while chatting on IM. And i don't know about her but i would rather be quiet with her than quiet by myself.

Yeah, she must know she's wrong. Which is why she gets defensive. She gets like that to protect her self-esteem. That's what i think at least. I'll talk to her again tomorrow. That is, if she's in the mood to talk.

Before we stopped talking, she told me "Admit it that the reason you told me your parents think is strange that i haven't sent you anything is so i send you something faster!". I was in shock. That was not my intention at all. Both our parents are doing us lots of favors so we can meet each other someday easier. Lots of favors. Which is why i don't want them to think anything bad of her. My intention was simply to warn her. That's all.

Thank you both for listening and for your replies. I'll update again when i talk to her tomorrow.

[LadyMarchHare]

Maybe I'm the only one but her excuse for not reading the letter or watching your videos screamed 'blatant lie' to me. Those are not valid reasons even if she is putting those activities first in her schedule because, hello, it's something from your boyfriend who is worlds away from you. Wouldn't you want to read it/see them as soon as possible? And I know education tends to be a HUGE deal in Asian countries but surely this girl has enough sense to balance her academic life and you? I think LDRs are easier when it comes to education because you're not being torn away from studies for dates and you're already used to scheduling times to talk.

The whole thing reads to me like there's something she's hiding, but I can't figure out what. Usually shifting blame like that is a huge indicator of guilt somewhere, but no none of it's your fault OR your parents' fault. Something is up whether it's a simple fear or something more serious and she's fighting to keep it hidden.

[MTK]

I'm just beginning to think that she's not into the relationship as much as i am. Perhaps having a boyfriend to talk on IM is convenient for her somehow and she doesn't feel the need to do more than that. Ah, random speculation, don't mind me.

I think that you need some time alone and really contemplate what is going on in your relationship. I mean, you have to really think about every single speculation that you have and see if you can either get some of the things you worry about out of your head, or see if doing all that thinking might help you see things from a different perspective.

And confront her with the thing that i quoted you from, it is not fair to either of you if she is staying in the relationship because it is the easiest thing for her.
You deserve someone that loves you and appreciates the effort you go through when you write letters and send packages, someone that will hear you out when you have worries no matter how silly they can seem, and someone who's highlight of the day is making you smile and laugh just for the heck of it. Not a relationship where you have to crawl through the motions and where there's a tiny voice in the back of your head that is questioning if she really loves you.

[KyleTheMan]

We finally had a long talk. Me and her. I think we settled everything, hopefully.

We decided to begin the discussion from the beginning. I asked her to tell me why she hasn't read my letter or watched my videos yet. She didn't want to repeat it so i had to say it. I then asked her if video games are more important to her than i am. She said that was just a bad excuse. She had no excuses she said. I told her if she realized how bad that makes me feel. At that point she suggested we break up.

I mentioned that i feel like she isn't into the relationship as much as i am. She said i was wrong but she knows it looks like that. She then went on a rant about how i should find someone better than her because if she's not a good girlfriend then she doesn't want to be a bad one.

After a long argument about the state of the relationship. I told her that i'm ready to end the relationship. She told me she's been very happy with me. That i've been an "angel". But she didn't want to be selfish. She suggested i find someone else.

I was gonna end it right then and there but something held me back. I still love her. Or rather perhaps i'm afraid of being alone. We kept talking some more. She told me that fact she hasn't read my letter is part of her bad habits. Apparently she only reads and watched my letter and videos when she's going to bed. But lately she's been playing video games before bed, which is her new habit. For the longest time i've known her, she has a history of legendary stubbornness. So i suppose that's possible. But even then... i'm supposed to be more important than some video game.

She asked me if i love her less now. I said i don't, but i think i do. She's afraid that i'll dump her at any moment. She says that she feels our relationship is changed, all about her meeting my "demands" as she put it. That was not my intention. I simply made her aware of my needs. That's all.

In the end, we decided to give it another chance. She says she can make me happy. That she'll make the effort. She's afraid her efforts wont be enough. We said our good byes and left for the day.

I feel confused. Like i said earlier, i don't think i love her as much as i used to. Perhaps i'm afraid of not being in a relationship so i stick to the one i have. I was mentally prepared to end the relationship today. I was not happy being the only one putting in the effort. The only one showing that he cares. The only one buying the gifts. The only one doing all these things to make her happy. But something held me back. Perhaps i felt pity for her. Something so simple and its too hard for her. A phone call today, a few photos tomorrow. I'm not asking for much.

If she hasn't even bothered to read my love letter, can you imagine how how it'll be if i went to visit? Would she even show up? What about the future? Us living together? Getting married? All the things we plan for? Would she even do those things? Would she be happy? Of course she would be happy, i would be the one to make her happy. But she acts like a princess. Expecting her knight to be at her beck and call.

Now that i've had the chance to analyze everything. I don't think she's ready to love anyone. She's not ready to be in a relationship. She doesn't even love herself. Constantly worrying about her self-esteem and about what other people think of her.

I've been too kind, too good to her. If i was in a normal relationship like some of you are lucky enough to be in. We would both be amazingly happy. Because we would both be putting in every single effort to be happy despite our distance. We would work hard together to be together one day.

I see myself visiting her and being lost in the airport. Never seeing her. Walking around aimlessly getting by with the little Thai that i've learned. A trip to her country would cost me about 6k. For just one trip. I have everything planned out. Which is why i mention my parents are helping us. I would live with my parents while i save my money from my Chef job. With no bills or food to pay for, this would be a little easier to manage. But why bother? Why should i use up that much money for her? For someone who does not appreciate me.

Through out our conversation today, she kept saying the same things. "I have no excuse", "There is no reason", "I'm a very bad girlfriend", "You deserve someone better", "I can't promise you anything". I'm tired. So exhausted.

I feel unhappy. I see happy couples in the airport and malls and i feel envy. Why should i be envious of perfect strangers? It was because i was not happy with my relationship. Lily is stubborn, extremely stubborn, legendary even. I really doubt things will change at all. I really doubt it.

Right now i see myself breaking up with her in the near future. Possibly in the next few weeks even. I suppose my presence here is redundant with no SO. I'll continue to post around the website until that happens. When it does, i'll update this page. My little space on the world wide web.

Thank you all for all the advice. For all the kind words. For listening to me and my rant.

[Silviar]

Kyle, honestly... look. We all have different needs in a relationship. That is, we all have different love fuels which fill our love tanks. And all of us have different fuels that fulfill our individual needs. You've tried talking to her, and you got your response. I think you need to decide what you want to do with her response - either keep trying to work it out, or end it.

It may sound blunt, but that's the decision you have to make. To me, it sounds like she's not willing to give you what you need to feel emotionally fulfilled. You love her, but will you be happy with her if she can't fulfill you? A relationship is a balance, and it takes two to fill it. One person cannot carry both.

I would give yourself some space from her for a few days and some time to really let loose, listen to yourself and just contemplate. You'll know which path you're ready for when you're ready to make the decision.

Best of luck. And hey - you don't have to leave if you don't want to. There's plenty of chatters around.

[MTK]

Hey, i am sorry to hear how things have gone with you and your SO. As Silviar mentioned, space would be a good thing right now because emotions are running high and you can't really control them, you know?
See if she is going to be true to her word and make an effort, maybe?
You just might be feeling you are not in love with her because everything has been so hectic with the two of you. But then again, i would not recommend that you stay if you are completely 100% sure that you are not in love with her anymore.

It is disheartening to see how easily she gave up on your relationship and the fact that she didn't have a valid excuse for her behavior. I had hoped for the best for you but maybe she isn't the right one for you. As you said, i don't think she is ready for love and a relationship, she doesn't seem to understand that the other person in the relationship also needs something, that it isn't all about taking. She says that you are demanding when all you are doing is telling her what makes you feel loved and that is not goood.

I am sure that you can stick around on this forum =)

[LadyMarchHare]

To echo the others, you aren't being demanding. Demanding a certain action from her would be implying you can't or won't love her UNTIL she fulfills this want. You love her regardless, but because of the fact she has not reciprocated any of it in some time, you've fallen out of love with her. Have you ever heard the phrase, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you"? I think that applies to your situation.

From what she retorted with it sounds like she has self-esteem issues or perhaps a form of anxiety and took things out of proportion. I wouldn't say she's being a 'bad' girlfriend, more like she just isn't being one at all. You mentioned earlier that she does give you a shoulder when you need one and that shows she cares, but that doesn't make it on a girlfriend-level. I give my friends shoulders, doesn't mean I'm dating them, I just care enough to listen. I'm glad that you're getting space instead of flat out ending it because you've now made your point as to how you feel and what you believe needs working on that only she can take care of on her own. Time will give her a chance to think, calm down, and either decide she can do these things without feeling pressured or that she truly isn't right for you. With these things, people need the chance to take it upon themselves to change not only for their loved ones, but for themselves and grow a little.

Feel free to continue to be a part of the community no matter the outcome. There are people here who have ended the distance and still are active because it's not only about us, it's about supporting others that are in the same situations we are or were in. You being out of a relationship doesn't make your presence any less valuable, and you never know if it comes to ending this current relationship you may start another and again need this forum for your own support.

[folclor]

well, after reading this entire thread I have somethings to say:
I think your girlfriend has extremely low self esteem. The reason she doesn't want to get on video or send pictures is she's probably worried you think she's ugly. You may shower her with praises but that doesn't always help. Of course you think she's pretty. You're her boyfriend. I've never met a boyfriend who didn't think his girl was pretty. That may be her thought process. And the fact that she's telling you you deserve better is not saying, "I'm unwilling to meet your needs" it's saying, "I know I'm self conscious, I know I have no self esteem, I've been doing what I feel comfortable with and I"m willing to try more, I'm sorry I don't know how to make you understand." I know there are people who have posted saying she's not good enough or whatever. That's an opinion. I, personally, think she just feels horrible because she doesn't feel comfortable and when one doesn't feel comfortable with the situation one is less likely to want to be in it. I hate seeing myself on video, I hate hearing my voice. It took me forever to reconcile the idea of getting on video. Alex and I worked up to it. We talked several months on voice before he talked me into video. But...do what you feel is best for you, not what everyone pressures you to do. good luck

[LadyMarchHare]

well, after reading this entire thread I have somethings to say:
I think your girlfriend has extremely low self esteem. The reason she doesn't want to get on video or send pictures is she's probably worried you think she's ugly. You may shower her with praises but that doesn't always help. Of course you think she's pretty. You're her boyfriend. I've never met a boyfriend who didn't think his girl was pretty. That may be her thought process. And the fact that she's telling you you deserve better is not saying, "I'm unwilling to meet your needs" it's saying, "I know I'm self conscious, I know I have no self esteem, I've been doing what I feel comfortable with and I"m willing to try more, I'm sorry I don't know how to make you understand." I know there are people who have posted saying she's not good enough or whatever. That's an opinion. I, personally, think she just feels horrible because she doesn't feel comfortable and when one doesn't feel comfortable with the situation one is less likely to want to be in it. I hate seeing myself on video, I hate hearing my voice. It took me forever to reconcile the idea of getting on video. Alex and I worked up to it. We talked several months on voice before he talked me into video. But...do what you feel is best for you, not what everyone pressures you to do. good luck

Perhaps I'm a tad biased, but I still suffer from horrendous self esteem issues and when my SO asked me for pictures, I complied and when he asked to do webcam, I complied. Was I comfortable? Not really, but I did it because I cared about him and knew even if I wasn't exactly movie star material in his eyes he wouldn't sit there and tell me my face is too round or my hair is this or that and so on. Like you I hate seeing myself on video, hearing my deep voice, and even seeing pictures of myself because I think I am the antonym of attractive in every sense. Even in the months I never believed my SO telling me I was pretty I still did these things because I knew he enjoyed them.

Am I saying the girl needs to do these things if it makes her terribly uncomfortable? No. However, she needs to learn to step a little out of her comfort zone for just the sheer knowledge it makes her guy happy. I mean goodness he isn't asking for topless photos. If she wants to train the camera only on her face or even her feet it's fine because she's making an effort and trying to do something simply because it makes him happy. Maybe it sounds mean but she needs to learn to get out her shell if she's ever to have a successful relationship, LD or CD. I suggested several posts back she possibly seek counseling and I think that needs to be restated.

[folclor]

Perhaps I'm a tad biased, but I still suffer from horrendous self esteem issues and when my SO asked me for pictures, I complied and when he asked to do webcam, I complied. Was I comfortable? Not really, but I did it because I cared about him and knew even if I wasn't exactly movie star material in his eyes he wouldn't sit there and tell me my face is too round or my hair is this or that and so on. Like you I hate seeing myself on video, hearing my deep voice, and even seeing pictures of myself because I think I am the antonym of attractive in every sense. Even in the months I never believed my SO telling me I was pretty I still did these things because I knew he enjoyed them.

Am I saying the girl needs to do these things if it makes her terribly uncomfortable? No. However, she needs to learn to step a little out of her comfort zone for just the sheer knowledge it makes her guy happy. I mean goodness he isn't asking for topless photos. If she wants to train the camera only on her face or even her feet it's fine because she's making an effort and trying to do something simply because it makes him happy. Maybe it sounds mean but she needs to learn to get out her shell if she's ever to have a successful relationship, LD or CD. I suggested several posts back she possibly seek counseling and I think that needs to be restated.

oh, I'm not saying I disagree with you and I'm not saying she shouldn't step outside her comfort zone, am just giving reasons I can think of why she might not do the things he asks. I assume she knows how much it means to him so we can't use that excuse. But am just trying to play it from another prospective because I know I didn't try sending any pictures or getting on webcam for months. I gave him one picture that was year old. ^^; was a good picture, my senior picture, but was the only one I sent and he sent me dozens. ^^;;

[LadyMarchHare]

No I know, I was just pointing out the insecurity can only be used as an excuse for so long and be considered valid more than a scapegoat. It's not something to get over overnight but neither is it something you cling to like a security blanket because it gets annoying even to the one suffering the insecurity and normally that would spark inspiration for change, not further excuses.