Feeling neglected

[melly]

I don't know if you're still gonna come back here and read, I'm gonna tell you a few things anyway.

I'm Asian. I'm from Malaysia, a country next to Thailand if you didn't know. I used to have really low self-esteem too. Before I changed to study in an international school, that is. The way we're brought up in Asia is different from the states or European countries. People here are more timid, soft spoken, and reserved I guess. Unlike the westerners, many of us lack self confidence. In my country, people here are actually afraid to converse with a native english speaker because, like I said, lack of self confidence because english isn't our first language. Well, at least not for the most of us. Okay enough with the introduction. Point is, maybe your SO is just like that. Afraid that you'd comment on her accent, her pronunciation, or the likes. Or she may not think that she's pretty enough for you, which is how most of us think here, no matter how many times you try to tell us that we are beautiful. We'd just never buy it. Lol I know I'm generalising but yeah, just saying. Maybe you should give her some more time for her to open up. Since she said she'd make some effort.

My SO is like that too. But I guess my story is a little different from yours. Anyways, I haven't seen him before. Haven't seen a clear picture of him showing his face, nor have I seen him on webcam. Whenever I asked him to get one, he'd either ignore it or give me lotsa excuses. I've never heard his voice either. He wouldn't get a microphone and he said his SIM card is confiscated. I've made about 4 trips to his country before, but he'd tell me stuff like he's grounded or whatever. I wasn't even allowed to send letters to him too, because he said his dad is really strict and yeah. I know exactly how you feel. I feel needy of him from time to time. Because I need to know more about who he is, how he sounds like, how he looks like. To date, I still haven't heard or seen him. Maybe I'm simple minded, but I'm happy like this too. Like you, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort. But I'm still not giving up because somehow, deep inside, something tells me that I'll be happy in the end. So, good luck to you and don't make any rash decisions.

[KyleTheMan]

Well we talked again this morning and... i think we finally resolved everything and we're ready to move past this!

We talked for a while. About our feelings, about how our relationship started, about her reasons or rather lack of reasons for doing what she did. I told her "Lily, imagine if i didn't send you photos, videos, gifts or anything. Would you be happy with me?". After a long silence she replied "No, i wouldn't." Then i said "What if you sent me a letter and i completely ignored it? You would think there was something wrong in the relationship, right?". Long silence again and she answered "Yes i would."

So now that she knows how i feel. We had a long chat about our needs and about what we want from each other to feel happy. She said she'll try her best to do those things for me. She'll even send me letters she says but she's says she'll probably write silly stuff. I told her that's no problem. My letters are kinda silly too. Full of love! But kinda silly!

She's afraid that i'll begin asking for more in the future, like gifts. I simply told her that that would make me happy, but i'll leave that up to her. If she wants to give me something then that's what she wants to do. Like me, i give her stuff without her ever asking me for it. So if she wants to do that, then she can, otherwise i wont ask for gifts. She smiled and told me that was good.

After that we started talking about the future and about sex and our plans and about sex and about sex and sex and... Well, we... sure made each other feel better after that fight!

Right now everything seems back to normal. We love each other again and things look like will only get better! Will she make me as happy as i make her? I did all i could, its time for me to put my faith in her and let time give me the answer! In the two years that i've known her, there doesn't seem to be any problem we cant handle. This seemed to almost destroy us. But what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. So our relationship will only get stronger from here!

I don't know if you're still gonna come back here and read, I'm gonna tell you a few things anyway.

I'm Asian. I'm from Malaysia, a country next to Thailand if you didn't know. I used to have really low self-esteem too. Before I changed to study in an international school, that is. The way we're brought up in Asia is different from the states or European countries. People here are more timid, soft spoken, and reserved I guess. Unlike the westerners, many of us lack self confidence. In my country, people here are actually afraid to converse with a native english speaker because, like I said, lack of self confidence because english isn't our first language. Well, at least not for the most of us. Okay enough with the introduction. Point is, maybe your SO is just like that. Afraid that you'd comment on her accent, her pronunciation, or the likes. Or she may not think that she's pretty enough for you, which is how most of us think here, no matter how many times you try to tell us that we are beautiful. We'd just never buy it. Lol I know I'm generalising but yeah, just saying. Maybe you should give her some more time for her to open up. Since she said she'd make some effort.

My SO is like that too. But I guess my story is a little different from yours. Anyways, I haven't seen him before. Haven't seen a clear picture of him showing his face, nor have I seen him on webcam. Whenever I asked him to get one, he'd either ignore it or give me lotsa excuses. I've never heard his voice either. He wouldn't get a microphone and he said his SIM card is confiscated. I've made about 4 trips to his country before, but he'd tell me stuff like he's grounded or whatever. I wasn't even allowed to send letters to him too, because he said his dad is really strict and yeah. I know exactly how you feel. I feel needy of him from time to time. Because I need to know more about who he is, how he sounds like, how he looks like. To date, I still haven't heard or seen him. Maybe I'm simple minded, but I'm happy like this too. Like you, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort. But I'm still not giving up because somehow, deep inside, something tells me that I'll be happy in the end. So, good luck to you and don't make any rash decisions.

That's what she was trying to tell me. She's never spoken to a native English speaker. Well besides me and a few other people she had to deal with once. But aside from that, she has little experience talking English. I always try to tell her that if she doesn't practice, she wont get better. She agrees and tries to talk to me more. The problem is she doesn't get enough privacy. She told me today that its a cultural difference that she isn't allowed to have her own room. I thought that was odd. Its not a cultural difference i agree with that's for sure. So she sleeps in her moms room ever since she was little. She's also afraid to ask for one because she doesn't wanna worry her parents suddenly since she's never asked for one before.

I do tell her she's beautiful. She is. She's amazingly beautiful. Her self-esteem is very fragile though. I always try and i give her the time she needs to do things. I'm a very patient man, a gentleman as well!

Ummm... I don't know what to say. You situation sounds similar yet... different than mine. At the very least i got to see Lily in some old photos she gave me. She also talked on the phone twice. You haven't seen him or heard him before? You've also visited 4 times! For how long have you been a couple?

I do understand though. When me and Lily where just best friends i've never seen her before either. It was after i confessed my love for her that i got to see her old photo. I fell in love with her personality first, her appearance second. So i do understand what you're going through.

I'm not in any position to make relationship advice considering what i just went through. But to me it sounds like he's making lots of excuses. He must be hiding something or is very shy or self-conscious.

Anyways thank you for your post and best of luck to you! Thank you all too for the support! I hope this is the end of this little chapter in our relationship. Now we can focus on the good stuff. Making each other happy.

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you should talk to her about how you're feeling. It's easier to talk something out before it turns into something big! You should talk to her as soon as possible!

[KyleTheMan]

I think that you should talk to her about how you're feeling. It's easier to talk something out before it turns into something big! You should talk to her as soon as possible!

Thank you for the post! Already taken care of! *Points to above post*

[melly]

Yeah I've found out why he didn't want to show me his pictures or talk to me on phone. We talked about it and we're good now. Good luck with her! Oh btw, we've been together for 9 months.

[MTK]

Nice, i am happy to hear that it all worked out for you two. =)

[KyleTheMan]

You guys don't mind if i use this thread as a sort of blog or chronicle of sorts? It helps clear my thoughts when i write everything down. Especially when i have an audience sharing an opinion or two. But then i'm not sure if you guys would be annoyed by this thread popping back up on occasion. Hmmm... i'll test it out once and see what happens!

So Lily is trying her best to do the things i wanted and i'm being as patient as i can to give her the space and time she needs to do them at her own pace! That's the compromise we came to. Just like a loving couple should! Last Saturday we had a "Special day" planned where we would share some pictures and i would get on the webcam so she could see me. It didn't go so well!

First of, when she borrowed the camera from her sister, she forgot to ask for the USB cable! So she cant transfer the pictures to the computer! I have to wait until she meets her again sometime this week. The camera uses those new thin USB plugs. Different than the usual mini USB cables. I was kinda down about that. I was looking forward to the new pictures! Getting to see even more of her! I was jumping up and down like a kid in a toy store! Haha, its not that hard to make me happy! But no problem! I'll wait a bit longer!

Then the webcam thing didn't work either. I have a terrible internet connection. The video would move once or twice and then freeze. Lily didn't seem to mind though!

After that we began talking about the future. We've talked about this before but this time it was different. She seems against moving to my country. She doesn't want me to move to hers since the currency is weaker in her country. We would be better off in the west. But she really doesn't want to move to my country since we all speak Spanish. She wants to live in an English speaking country. Which is understandable. She doesn't wanna learn Spanish either. Even though its really not that different from English. Heck, I know English and Spanish and now i'm learning Thai for her! I know plenty! Its fun and it feels great to learn a new language. Especially the one she speaks. Anyways, we eventually decided it would be best if i get a job in the US and move there when i graduate. Even though staying where i am has so many benefits. I would be alone out there in the US, until she moves in that is. Seems kinda crazy, but maybe that's how it is? Love is pretty crazy!

Having her live in my country would be so much better for both of us. She would only need to learn some basic Spanish and all the benefits of being here would be ours. She thinks i'm right but she always says she feels drawn to the US. Like she was meant to go there or something. Ever since i met her a few years ago she's always been drawn to the US. Sometimes i have this ideal that it shouldn't matter where we live as long as we're together. But i guess it doesn't work that way in real life. So i better do my best in the Culinary School when it starts next week. The school will help get jobs for the best students. I could even land one in the US. So i gotta do this for Lily. Me? I don't really mind where i live. I would rather stay in my little island where my family would be there to help us if anything happens. My parents always say that if me and Lily need anything, they'll always be there. If we live in the US. We'll be completely on our own. But maybe its better that way. Maybe its meant to be this way. We'll see!

I also discovered something about myself. I have an inferiority complex. There was something i did which was not normal. Its like a reflex that i have. I would instantly compare myself to people that have things i wanted or are in situations i want to be in. Then i would be full of envy. Envy, which is an emotion, a feeling i'm unfortunately way too familiar with. For the longest time i've always felt envious of others even though i know i'm not inferior to anyone. I've even felt envious of you guys. One of the reasons why i don't post so much is because i try to limit myself to my little thread. To avoid from seeing things that would cause me envy. Its a terrible issue i've been trying to learn to deal with for the longest time. I don't want it to affect my future or my relationship with Lily. I need to get over it. Apparently lots of self affirmation and positive thinking helps. But i'm not sure if its a complete fix.

Anyways, i hope this doesn't bother anyone. If i remember on my past forum experiences, reviving dead threads is a bad thing in forum communities, correct? But so is making tons of new threads. I don't even know if this forum goes by those rules or not!

[MTK]

I don't know if you know this but there is a blog section on this forum that you can use instead of this thread. That way you won't have to look for your thread pages in the back when you want to update it. =)

Also nice to hear from you again. It's nice to see that she is making an effort, it always helps to talk things through and figure out how one another feel.

The whole language thing though? I think that is kind of rude of her to not even want to try and learn spanish. I see language as an important part of a person, so knowing their mother language will make things more intimate and fun,you can connect in a different way. I only say this because my SO is willing to learn danish and i am helping her learn it. I would have been willing to learn her language but i know english already.

Also with you moving countries? I don't know if it will be wise of you to move to the U.S because she is drawn there. Maybe you should look into things a bit more before you plan on moving somewhere.
In an LDR someone is bound to move and having to leave behind family and friends so i think it is important to be completely sure about it so there won't be any resentment in the end.

[LadyMarchHare]

I don't think anyone minds that you use your own thread to keep updates on the same general issue, tons better than a billion threads. And from what I've seen no one minds if old threads are revived so long as the topic gets discussed and isn't something that was resolved.

Has Lily ever visited your country? Because if she hasn't I don't think it's fair to be saying she won't move there, she should at least give it a chance and allow you the opportunity to show her the good things about where you live. I think Spanish is one of the easiest languages to learn as a second language. Here in the US it's a very common language taught in schools since we require about 2 or so years of a different language and some colleges even require more. My best friend took it and speaks basic Spanish pretty well after only those few years required of her. Plus, at least here in the South, we have a lot of Hispanics who don't always speak the best English so it's better to meet them in the middle, language-wise. And I'll say something about the US, it's not as great as people think. Right now the economy's unstable, the government won't make up its mind, and depending on where you live it's very hard to find a job and afford basic things without living in an area where you feel like people will steal your front door. Our currency's losing value as well, but that's another story.

I admire your dedication to learn things for her, move wherever she desires even if you end up there first, and your optimism. However, the scales sound seriously unbalanced. If you truly want to be with your family then you need to express this. It doesn't have to be permanent, nothing ever is anyway. A year or so here, a few years there, would it kill her to make a huge decision and change for you? I wouldn't ask her for that if she was going to be completely unhappy and pout the entire time like you never gave her a choice but there seriously needs to be more effort on her part in this way. She isn't a princess or a queen.

Envy is very common with stuff like this, I know I get seriously envious of people who can talk to their SOs more or can see them, have seen them, or will see them very soon. It tends to make me feel like I'm in the worst setup possible and then I feel bad when I remember there are those with oceans between them and thousands of miles and I could hop on a bus today and be there tomorrow. I think so long as you don't let it make you bitter in terms of "I'll never have what they do, I'll never know that level of happiness" and affect your mood all of the time (we call can pout here and there, it's our right) then I don't think it will hurt you that much or hurt your relationship. At least you're trying to be positive for both your sakes, that's better than letting it eat away at you.

[KyleTheMan]

I don't know if you know this but there is a blog section on this forum that you can use instead of this thread. That way you won't have to look for your thread pages in the back when you want to update it. =)

Also nice to hear from you again. It's nice to see that she is making an effort, it always helps to talk things through and figure out how one another feel.

The whole language thing though? I think that is kind of rude of her to not even want to try and learn spanish. I see language as an important part of a person, so knowing their mother language will make things more intimate and fun,you can connect in a different way. I only say this because my SO is willing to learn danish and i am helping her learn it. I would have been willing to learn her language but i know english already.

Also with you moving countries? I don't know if it will be wise of you to move to the U.S because she is drawn there. Maybe you should look into things a bit more before you plan on moving somewhere.
In an LDR someone is bound to move and having to leave behind family and friends so i think it is important to be completely sure about it so there won't be any resentment in the end.

Thanks! This is a nice community! Nicer than i thought! I like it here and plan on posting more! But yeah, baby steps!

Well she's been teaching me her language for a long time now. Its not easy, let me tell you. A word in Thai can mean 5 different things depending on the tone. There is a tongue twister in Thai that goes "Mai Mai Mai Mai Mai". Its meaning? Something about burning wood. Cant remember. But each word in that sentence has a different meaning! Its tough! But i have fun with it! If i can learn this, then Lily can learn Spanish! If she wanted to. She began learning a bit but then she didn't want me to teach her anymore.

I don't think anyone minds that you use your own thread to keep updates on the same general issue, tons better than a billion threads. And from what I've seen no one minds if old threads are revived so long as the topic gets discussed and isn't something that was resolved.

Has Lily ever visited your country? Because if she hasn't I don't think it's fair to be saying she won't move there, she should at least give it a chance and allow you the opportunity to show her the good things about where you live. I think Spanish is one of the easiest languages to learn as a second language. Here in the US it's a very common language taught in schools since we require about 2 or so years of a different language and some colleges even require more. My best friend took it and speaks basic Spanish pretty well after only those few years required of her. Plus, at least here in the South, we have a lot of Hispanics who don't always speak the best English so it's better to meet them in the middle, language-wise. And I'll say something about the US, it's not as great as people think. Right now the economy's unstable, the government won't make up its mind, and depending on where you live it's very hard to find a job and afford basic things without living in an area where you feel like people will steal your front door. Our currency's losing value as well, but that's another story.

I admire your dedication to learn things for her, move wherever she desires even if you end up there first, and your optimism. However, the scales sound seriously unbalanced. If you truly want to be with your family then you need to express this. It doesn't have to be permanent, nothing ever is anyway. A year or so here, a few years there, would it kill her to make a huge decision and change for you? I wouldn't ask her for that if she was going to be completely unhappy and pout the entire time like you never gave her a choice but there seriously needs to be more effort on her part in this way. She isn't a princess or a queen.

Envy is very common with stuff like this, I know I get seriously envious of people who can talk to their SOs more or can see them, have seen them, or will see them very soon. It tends to make me feel like I'm in the worst setup possible and then I feel bad when I remember there are those with oceans between them and thousands of miles and I could hop on a bus today and be there tomorrow. I think so long as you don't let it make you bitter in terms of "I'll never have what they do, I'll never know that level of happiness" and affect your mood all of the time (we call can pout here and there, it's our right) then I don't think it will hurt you that much or hurt your relationship. At least you're trying to be positive for both your sakes, that's better than letting it eat away at you.

She's never visited my country and she has no plans to unfortunately. She really wants to be in the US. She's waiting for me to visit her. If i'm lucky i should be able to next year or the year after that. But when it comes to our future together is always "The US". Spanish isn't that hard to learn, you're right! She has me to teach her and to practice with! I even bought her a English to Spanish dictionary! I have no idea what she did with it! But she doesn't want to learn Spanish. She says she'll learn it only if she "has to". Like its some sort of obligation or something! Haha, its a language! Her boyfriend's mother tongue! Shouldn't it be a good thing to learn just for the fun of it? At least, that's how i feel about learning Thai! She never told me to learn it. I spontaneously asked her to teach me one day!

We both know the US is having some problems right now. She even agrees that living in my country is "the most logical choice". We'll both be better off than being alone in a country we don't know. Not to mention all the support we'll have from my family and friends. But the fact is she still wants the US. Stubborn as ever, that's my Lily.

We've talked about that. How we could live in my country for a while and then decide to move when where ready and fully prepared. She thinks its a good idea, however, she says if we can skip straight to the US, then the better. She says she would be uncomfortable where i live. With so many Spanish speakers. This wouldn't be a problem at all if she learned a bit of Spanish though! Either way, we don't have to decide this right away, right? I just want to know where the relationship was going. Our goals and such. She really wants the US. I would rather stay where i am and live with her here. She agrees that its better that way but would prefer the US. That's how we stand on this.

Totally, i know how bad envy can be. When i started this thread, one of the kind posters here said that she and her SO send each other pictures every morning! I was green with envy! I was like "I wish Lily did that!" But yeah, its nothing! That's just how it is. Different people, different set of problems. No one is superior or inferior to anyone. That's what i'm telling myself every second of everyday. It helps me. I will say though that while i'm usually okay most of the time. I have some really bad days when i'm so envious that i get depressed. Thankfully it doesn't happen often, it hasn't happened in a while. I gotta keep the positive thinking and it'll get better! I told Lily about it this morning and she was very supportive. She helped me with the self affirmation!

But yeah! Those are my problems right now. I'm finally doing something about my inferiority complex and enviousness and my future plans with Lily are a bit foggy right now. I want to convince her to learn Spanish and stay with me here but i don't know how i can do that. She's extremely stubborn. Last time i tried to get her to learn Spanish she said she was feeling pressured and forced into it. I was very nice about it! Very sensitive and sweet if i do say so! It was a kind suggestion with some nice learning material to help her along! Either way! It'll be around what... 2-3 years before we're finally together. I'll graduate from my culinary school around early 2012 and Lily wants to work in Thailand to get some experience in her field for at least 1-2 years. So when it comes down to it. These kinda things can wait to be decided. Although i think its nice to decide them early if possible. To give us a full view of our future. Our goals. To see the light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment, the tunnel has no light. Its either a long tunnel or a really long tunnel.

Oh i forgot something! You mentioned that she isn't a princess? Funny thing is, her family and friends call her that all the time! She hates it! XD

[LadyMarchHare]

Well as much as I agree there's no pressure to start moving things one way or another since you guys have a couple years, time will fly and the sooner you guys resolve this whole US issue the better. Would she visit if you helped pay her way? I think it's crucial you each see each other's homelands even if you don't end up staying in either. Getting to know these sorts of things leads you to knowing your partner better because then you understand a bit of their culture so if some behavior seems very odd you can know there's a reason or even what some traditions are so that if they're the one leaving you can do these little things to make them feel at home. Learning the language, even if it's basics, is just another way to show you care and respect where they come from. I know a lot of Asian languages are hard, I believe Japanese is similar to Thai in which one word has several meanings depending on tone and what little things you do to the written character. Have you asked why she felt pressured learning it? To me it just sounds like she's being a tad bratty. There's a line between stubborn and difficult and that's kinda crossing it to me, this whole not wanting to be in your country and acting like learning maybe a few key words and phrases in another language is a chore. It's something she doesn't HAVE to do, but it's certainly a nice gesture.

And yes, everyone's problems are essentially the same and equal because no matter the distance, the frequency in communication, or things such as receiving pictures (my guy doesn't send me any so on the rare times we use Skype I use its capture features to get some) or gifts, we're all in love with people that aren't nearby and we're working to get to a point where they will be. Some people get a lot of drama, some don't, but yes all in all we aren't that different and that's why we have this forum. Don't worry about the depression, both my SO and I go through it, him more at the moment because all he does is eat sleep and work so he feels super lonely and he works somewhere where he sees a lot of couples and families so it drives him nuts. It's normal, it's just a matter of one being the support when the other suffers. I read somewhere that love is letting someone see you at your weakest hour, when you openly cry in their presence instead of trying to remain strong all the time.