...because the back of my head is shaved. Sorry, I can't resist bald jokes at my expense.
I'm going to try to explain this as well as I can without it sounding like the mental hospital is a good idea for either of us.
I'm bipolar. I also have numerous other problems like paranoia, social anxiety, and ADHD which will cause me to wander off like a kid. Because of these problems and the fact they were diagnosed rather late in my life (18 even though I was reluctantly put on antidepressants at 15) I have experienced the bitter end of my mind more times than I care to mention. I know my patterns and just what will happen when I feel x way or think x thoughts in x pattern.
My SO, whom I call Hattie (obvious reasons), suffers possibly from almost everything I do except he's undiagnosed and therefore not taking medication. However, he has more discipline and will than I do so he doesn't need them... most of the time. As I mentioned usually there's a pattern when you start going 'mad' and after witnessing it a couple times, once when his best friend pretty much spat in his face, I have noticed his is similar to mine enough to recognize the subtle difference in wording sentences and when it gets full-blown, exactly what certain messages mean.
With it being summer and him working in Disneyworld in Florida, we have barely spent 5 days together talking if you smoosh all our conversations together since May. When we do talk the subject of loneliness emerges, naturally. He's terribly lonely working dawn till midnight hours 7 days a week with 1 day off every 6 weeks, and of course I'm lonely and upset that he's hurting.
He keeps his AIM account on invisible because he doesn't want everyone messaging him whenever he signs on. Here and there I check my 'offline' section to see if there's any hint he's been on, like a status message change, since it's been common he gets on late at night/early morning for a minute to check things and leave.
Here's where the story happens:
Friday night at midnight I wandered onto Gaia, the site we met on and still use, and they let you have statuses too. His was set 2 hours ago and was basically a string of laughter, i.e. "hahahahaha..." This bothered me because I'm notorious for doing this when I've gone so far off my rocker I fall off the front porch. In fact the last times I ever used such a status was the last times I cut myself, which stopped in March. Next was AIM where I saw the status message was something about carving out his veins. OK now I'm super worried. After reading something he put in his Gaia journal a half hour after both these statuses (when I was online, mind you) along the effects of "might as well mutilate myself, now that I'm completely alone" I pretty much knew he was either really upset about work or he had hurt himself.
I sent a text that night in hopes he would respond but yesterday I heard nothing and since then I've been nursing three different emotions. One being, duh, concern for him because I know he will hurt himself though he only did so once. Two being hurt because it seems to me despite the fact he very well could have not been thinking (depression gives you 'tunnel vision' so you only see yourself and you're convinced no one cares) he blatantly ignored the fact I was online and the mantra I've beaten into him since before we even began dating that I'm here 24/7. Call. IM. Text. I will answer and not be mad. And three, anger that he dared imply he was alone. Which I know is stupid, but I've been trying my best to make it seem like he wasn't alone so I still sort of feel like all my hard work's for naught.
I sent another text around noon today just asking why he didn't talk to me Friday night to vent and have still not heard a thing. I'm no stranger to going days without replies to the texts I send on a daily basis but considering the circumstances I'm about ready to tear my hair out. I'm sleeping in nightmare-laden spurts, I have no motivation to do anything, I am constantly switching between the three emotions, and I find myself giving in to paranoid thoughts. All in all his pain and silence has thrown me into the same viper pit. I cannot call his phone as he's still at work.
I know that we have some communication issues both because and not because of his job, but it's never been like him to ignore that I'm online when he's upset even if he doesn't talk about it. I'm trying not to do what I did in May the last time I couldn't get ahold of him at an imperative time which was spend 3 hours calling his phone back to back and leave a slew of texts. In the end I felt stupid for them and right now my main concern is making sure he's alive, OK, and find out exactly what happened and what I can do or what can be done the next time this happens.
Ew that was kinda long-winded.
I'm going to try to explain this as well as I can without it sounding like the mental hospital is a good idea for either of us.
I'm bipolar. I also have numerous other problems like paranoia, social anxiety, and ADHD which will cause me to wander off like a kid. Because of these problems and the fact they were diagnosed rather late in my life (18 even though I was reluctantly put on antidepressants at 15) I have experienced the bitter end of my mind more times than I care to mention. I know my patterns and just what will happen when I feel x way or think x thoughts in x pattern.
My SO, whom I call Hattie (obvious reasons), suffers possibly from almost everything I do except he's undiagnosed and therefore not taking medication. However, he has more discipline and will than I do so he doesn't need them... most of the time. As I mentioned usually there's a pattern when you start going 'mad' and after witnessing it a couple times, once when his best friend pretty much spat in his face, I have noticed his is similar to mine enough to recognize the subtle difference in wording sentences and when it gets full-blown, exactly what certain messages mean.
With it being summer and him working in Disneyworld in Florida, we have barely spent 5 days together talking if you smoosh all our conversations together since May. When we do talk the subject of loneliness emerges, naturally. He's terribly lonely working dawn till midnight hours 7 days a week with 1 day off every 6 weeks, and of course I'm lonely and upset that he's hurting.
He keeps his AIM account on invisible because he doesn't want everyone messaging him whenever he signs on. Here and there I check my 'offline' section to see if there's any hint he's been on, like a status message change, since it's been common he gets on late at night/early morning for a minute to check things and leave.
Here's where the story happens:
Friday night at midnight I wandered onto Gaia, the site we met on and still use, and they let you have statuses too. His was set 2 hours ago and was basically a string of laughter, i.e. "hahahahaha..." This bothered me because I'm notorious for doing this when I've gone so far off my rocker I fall off the front porch. In fact the last times I ever used such a status was the last times I cut myself, which stopped in March. Next was AIM where I saw the status message was something about carving out his veins. OK now I'm super worried. After reading something he put in his Gaia journal a half hour after both these statuses (when I was online, mind you) along the effects of "might as well mutilate myself, now that I'm completely alone" I pretty much knew he was either really upset about work or he had hurt himself.
I sent a text that night in hopes he would respond but yesterday I heard nothing and since then I've been nursing three different emotions. One being, duh, concern for him because I know he will hurt himself though he only did so once. Two being hurt because it seems to me despite the fact he very well could have not been thinking (depression gives you 'tunnel vision' so you only see yourself and you're convinced no one cares) he blatantly ignored the fact I was online and the mantra I've beaten into him since before we even began dating that I'm here 24/7. Call. IM. Text. I will answer and not be mad. And three, anger that he dared imply he was alone. Which I know is stupid, but I've been trying my best to make it seem like he wasn't alone so I still sort of feel like all my hard work's for naught.
I sent another text around noon today just asking why he didn't talk to me Friday night to vent and have still not heard a thing. I'm no stranger to going days without replies to the texts I send on a daily basis but considering the circumstances I'm about ready to tear my hair out. I'm sleeping in nightmare-laden spurts, I have no motivation to do anything, I am constantly switching between the three emotions, and I find myself giving in to paranoid thoughts. All in all his pain and silence has thrown me into the same viper pit. I cannot call his phone as he's still at work.
I know that we have some communication issues both because and not because of his job, but it's never been like him to ignore that I'm online when he's upset even if he doesn't talk about it. I'm trying not to do what I did in May the last time I couldn't get ahold of him at an imperative time which was spend 3 hours calling his phone back to back and leave a slew of texts. In the end I felt stupid for them and right now my main concern is making sure he's alive, OK, and find out exactly what happened and what I can do or what can be done the next time this happens.
Ew that was kinda long-winded.
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