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Tearing out what hair I have left

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    Tearing out what hair I have left

    ...because the back of my head is shaved. Sorry, I can't resist bald jokes at my expense.

    I'm going to try to explain this as well as I can without it sounding like the mental hospital is a good idea for either of us.

    I'm bipolar. I also have numerous other problems like paranoia, social anxiety, and ADHD which will cause me to wander off like a kid. Because of these problems and the fact they were diagnosed rather late in my life (18 even though I was reluctantly put on antidepressants at 15) I have experienced the bitter end of my mind more times than I care to mention. I know my patterns and just what will happen when I feel x way or think x thoughts in x pattern.

    My SO, whom I call Hattie (obvious reasons), suffers possibly from almost everything I do except he's undiagnosed and therefore not taking medication. However, he has more discipline and will than I do so he doesn't need them... most of the time. As I mentioned usually there's a pattern when you start going 'mad' and after witnessing it a couple times, once when his best friend pretty much spat in his face, I have noticed his is similar to mine enough to recognize the subtle difference in wording sentences and when it gets full-blown, exactly what certain messages mean.

    With it being summer and him working in Disneyworld in Florida, we have barely spent 5 days together talking if you smoosh all our conversations together since May. When we do talk the subject of loneliness emerges, naturally. He's terribly lonely working dawn till midnight hours 7 days a week with 1 day off every 6 weeks, and of course I'm lonely and upset that he's hurting.

    He keeps his AIM account on invisible because he doesn't want everyone messaging him whenever he signs on. Here and there I check my 'offline' section to see if there's any hint he's been on, like a status message change, since it's been common he gets on late at night/early morning for a minute to check things and leave.

    Here's where the story happens:
    Friday night at midnight I wandered onto Gaia, the site we met on and still use, and they let you have statuses too. His was set 2 hours ago and was basically a string of laughter, i.e. "hahahahaha..." This bothered me because I'm notorious for doing this when I've gone so far off my rocker I fall off the front porch. In fact the last times I ever used such a status was the last times I cut myself, which stopped in March. Next was AIM where I saw the status message was something about carving out his veins. OK now I'm super worried. After reading something he put in his Gaia journal a half hour after both these statuses (when I was online, mind you) along the effects of "might as well mutilate myself, now that I'm completely alone" I pretty much knew he was either really upset about work or he had hurt himself.

    I sent a text that night in hopes he would respond but yesterday I heard nothing and since then I've been nursing three different emotions. One being, duh, concern for him because I know he will hurt himself though he only did so once. Two being hurt because it seems to me despite the fact he very well could have not been thinking (depression gives you 'tunnel vision' so you only see yourself and you're convinced no one cares) he blatantly ignored the fact I was online and the mantra I've beaten into him since before we even began dating that I'm here 24/7. Call. IM. Text. I will answer and not be mad. And three, anger that he dared imply he was alone. Which I know is stupid, but I've been trying my best to make it seem like he wasn't alone so I still sort of feel like all my hard work's for naught.

    I sent another text around noon today just asking why he didn't talk to me Friday night to vent and have still not heard a thing. I'm no stranger to going days without replies to the texts I send on a daily basis but considering the circumstances I'm about ready to tear my hair out. I'm sleeping in nightmare-laden spurts, I have no motivation to do anything, I am constantly switching between the three emotions, and I find myself giving in to paranoid thoughts. All in all his pain and silence has thrown me into the same viper pit. I cannot call his phone as he's still at work.

    I know that we have some communication issues both because and not because of his job, but it's never been like him to ignore that I'm online when he's upset even if he doesn't talk about it. I'm trying not to do what I did in May the last time I couldn't get ahold of him at an imperative time which was spend 3 hours calling his phone back to back and leave a slew of texts. In the end I felt stupid for them and right now my main concern is making sure he's alive, OK, and find out exactly what happened and what I can do or what can be done the next time this happens.

    Ew that was kinda long-winded.

    #2
    Have you heard anything yet? Did he get the parcel you sent him? I've been fingers crossed that you may have heard something.

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      #3
      You'll have to pardon me, I'm experiencing mood swings so this is partially my problem.

      I have yet to hear anything. Last Thursday he did tell me he JUST got the package even though the mail system's tracking said it arrived Monday. He did log onto Gaia for a bit yesterday (since it's now Monday morning here) but not AIM as that disturbing status is still there. No replies to the two texts and I'm not exactly sure if anything I text further would be me nagging. Which at this point I just want to know what happened and why he didn't talk to me and instead chose to stay online and do whatever he was doing.

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        #4
        Has he ever had a communication break-down before Lady? Is he pretty good at getting back to you in a timely fashion? Maybe his phone is on the fritz?

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          #5
          There's only been one time before where communication was cut off like this and it was in May in the middle of our spur-of-the-moment planning for me to spend a week with him. After the day we initially planned it I didn't hear from him for two more days and I ended up spending 3 hours the second day calling his phone until 2 am, then the third day morning for an hour until he told me he'd get back to me and hung up. Had turned out his job basically said "just kidding" about his time off and called him in for work the day after he'd been given the week off and he'd been busy/upset and hadn't relayed it to me.

          He told me a long time ago that when he gets angry, he will not speak to anyone. I'm used to that since my mother gives me the silent treatment when I'm angry, but he tends to do it in general when he is mad and then whoever he's mad at he ignores for days until he's calm. He's gotten aggravated at me but never mad enough to ignore me so I can't say if that's what this is and I did something I'm unaware of or if it is indeed work as I suspect taking its toll for the millionth time. But with work, he doesn't usually get back to me right away. Sometimes it's within a few minutes, sometimes within hours, and most times it's the next day or never. The phone thing is plausible, he's killed it by forgetting to charge it a few times before.

          I'm not as frantic as I have been but I'm still concerned over how he's doing and, again, just why he ignored the fact I was available to talk and instead chose to do what he did. He's gotten livid with me when I hide my problems or put up AIM statuses that are just as sketchy then pull them when I think he'll be on and he reads the Livestream thing that records all the statuses and sees them, so it's rather hypocritical that he pull a similar stunt and not expect me to lose my everloving mind just to make sure he isn't dead.

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            #6
            Do you know what you are going to do? Are you going to wait until you hear or reach out again? It must be a horrendous place to be at not knowing. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

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              #7
              I'm so sorry about this. I would be nervous if my boyfriend didn't respond to me. I know I get worried after a few hours of not hearing from my boyfriend. How much longer until you start to worry??

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                #8
                Eternity: I'm monitoring Gaia at the moment to see if he logs on there at all tonight since both Saturday and Sunday he's been there around this time without being on AIM as far as I know. If it happens tonight I'll PM him there and ask that he contact me at his convenience. I suppose by all rights I could be screaming at him but I won't since obviously something's up.

                Paula: I've actually been a trainwreck since Friday night and am only now calming down. I haven't been sleeping well, I'm sleeping in 2 hour spurts full of nightmares and frustrating dreams, and my brain's giving me every bad scenario it can think of. It's been a test of willpower not to break his phone by calling and texting or acting hysterical. I figure in the end there's a valid reason and doing those things makes me feel like the bad guy, or at least an idiot.

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                  #9
                  I'm so sorry! The best thing to do is just BREATH and relax. He'll come around and get a hold of you. Try to keep yourself busy. I'd probably start to worry once I haven't heard from him in a week.

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                    #10
                    I'll hear from him before then most likely. I didn't text him today just in case he needed some breathing room but I will tomorrow and just go about things like normal until I can get hold of him enough to get answers. Luckily this is the month kids start trickling back to school so I'm hoping that will lend to free time for him. The joys of working for a corporation catering to kids.

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                      #11
                      Well I'm sure everything will work out!

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                        #12
                        First, Yay for Gaia I absolutely love that website =3 and their LDR thread in lifestyle discussions =D.

                        I'm sure you'll hear from him, I understand what you are going through as i've been through that same thing in the past. I'm the biggest worry wart and if I don't get a reply from my ex in 20 minutes I start to worry and panic until I hear from him. I won't even eat until I hear from him because I make myself sick.




                        Treasuretrooper <-- how I helped pay for some of my LDR expenses when I was in one.

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                          #13
                          1 am my time, 2 am his. I went to bed at midnight. I'm sorely tempted to just text him and say 'hey maybe I need to start PMing you every day instead of texting since you're there more.' But I think that's early morning bitterness before I choke down my morning slew of pills, haha. Seriously why was he up at 2 am he has work in the morning. Gonna give myself until about 11 am to see if he doesn't magically appear online before work and then I'm gonna text him. Whatever mood I'm in by then is the mood he gets. Lord I love being bipolar with PMS. I'm a ticking time bomb.

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                            #14
                            Finally got ahold of him.

                            I angrily texted him this morning because I'd been talking to my best friend about it and well, she's not exactly good about advice for this stuff and she got me riled enough to yell. About 3 hours ago I texted him again and apologized and said all I wanted to know was what happened, if it was my fault, and if he was OK. I told him if he didn't want to talk to me (at this point I was convinced he was mad at me) he could PM me on Gaia instead.

                            About 15 minutes ago I get a PM from him. Turns out he's been scared to talk to me, I guess since my first text at midnight Saturday morning that wasn't all that nice because I was more angry he had ignored I was there. He did hurt himself, which was another reason he wouldn't come to me because he knows we try to encourage no cutting with each other and thought I'd be mad he 'slipped'. He also apologized for upsetting me and asked for my forgiveness. I replied back that I wished he would come to me in these times but that I know I can't force him to and the fact I couldn't get ahold of him for days left me in hysterics because what affects him does me, if not a bit more because I can't exactly go out in the middle of the night to calm him down in person. I'm still not sure what happened but I think he's still recovering from it and will need time to get over whatever fear and guilt he was bearing concerning me.

                            I'm relieved but at the same time I want to cry because I dug my own grave on that one when I should've just shut up and helped him when he was ready to talk. But point being he's alright.

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                              #15
                              The important think is that he is okay! And at least you know how to handle this problem if it happens next time, hopefully it doesn't though. But I'm happy to hear that he's okay

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