is he doubting me?

[innocentbutterfly]

heres the thing, we've been together for over a year and half and now in 3months im finally having ticket to visit. But, our relationship has always had fights, like every 2weeks or so. Mainly,because he has a hard time expressing feelings and doesnt really share much of his life with me. For ex. Always when i'd ask how was outing with friends he would say we talked,went there.. Blah blah. And he'd stay with them half a day too, but never goes into details. Its true he is very reserved, but i need that sharing. Then when id ask much he would say i dont trust him and i have bad thoughts. If sometimes he wouldnt reply for a few hours, i worry and he says i dont have to as in hes not a kid, when its not about it at all. However long story short, he always had trust issues and even if he says he trusts me and that hes sure of us, the other night i saw a convo he had with my bro. He told him i hope she is 'true people in my life, that shes a good girl' how insecure is he? My bro doesnt know what gf he meant, because i didnt tell him, but seeing him doubt has made me sad.

Yet still the other time we talked, in a fight and then later he said this is just internet for him until we meet and to me i felt hurt, because yes, im aware, but i put my effort to go and see him and i never travelled with plane, alone or for anyone. Later if it would work, id change my religion for him, move, leave my family and learn his language, but he said when i asked what that means to him, that its 'nice' just that, because ha has to see that in real. We sent gifts,we texts, we go on cam and all that...

I dont know, am i just overreacting or is all of it really just internet for him till then? Im confused on what to do, since hes already hurt me before with his words and doubts.

[digitalfever]

Personally, I think you've invested too much into something before even knowing that it'll work. While your SO seems to be insecure and hurt from the past.

You care about him but it is the Internet and until you meet you are just two individuals that met
Online. Don't even consider
making such drastic changes in your life until you meet this man.

Secondly, so what if your travelling to him. You made that choice, your getting on the plan and I assume its voluntary. He doesn't owe you a thing. If you want to meet him then go but go under the pretence that you don't "expect" anything. It's hard but you can't have expectations. Everything is better when it's a dream and not a reality. Keep things in perspective.

[innocentbutterfly]

thanks for your reply

yes, you are right, i have this tendency that when i do care, i care fully and i know its bad, because many times it has proven me that it only hurts more when things go wrong.

I dont consider any changes until after meeting him, but i said i would be willing to do it, if he proves me worthy and that he actually values what i would do for him, its not that he owes me anything, i just wanna feel he is as serious and all with me as i am.

You know it just irks me, so much time of i love you's, exchanging gifts, intimacy..i dont know do ldr couples still say to each other its just net after that? Because yes it is, but i wouldnt expect him to say that if he wants us to work, you know? It comes hard on feelings to the point i think is any of it now even real before meeting? Because meeting is kinda continuation of that, not a fresh start, no?

Yes, i mean to go with no expectations, but believe me when u have grown close to someone like that its hard to think that reality may not even exist if it does happen at some bad scenario that his feelings arent the same in real

[digitalfever]

I think everyone on here can say that it is hard to go from in person to online. It sucks. But once you meet it sort of turns an idea into a reality and I find that a lot of the time that pushes couples forward
and urges them to make the hard decisions (moving, visas, and all that jazz.)

Take it in strides and really talk about it when your in person.

[Hyacinth]

From what you're saying, it seems to me that you're the one doing all the hard work to make this relationship work. Is he investing of himself as much as you are of you?
Also, is this the first time you guys are gonna meet each other? Why has it not been possible for him to come see you prior to this?
And digitalfever is right. That's some tough love right there. You thinking that he might be doubting you is making youfeel unsure about the whole thing? Did you guys plan your trip together or was it your idea?

[Hyacinth]

And yeah, I do think it sucks that after all that, he's saying "it's just net". Not cool.

[digitalfever]

And yeah, I do think it sucks that after all that, he's saying "it's just net". Not cool.

That probably speaks more to how he feels a bit untrusting and unsure but he may be trying to "down grade" the situation to protect his own emotions.

I think when visits are about to happen people start freaking out and assume the worst. My fear was that he'd think I was fat, or that I wouldn't be attracted to him or that it would be different in person. So..., I think he may be trying to put their situation into a less intense perspective.

[innocentbutterfly]

well he is kind of as i said, insecure. Theres been times when he wanted to finish it. I sent him a valentines day and birthday gift and well he sent one huge back too. But i dont know. The idea when we met was never that i would visit, i always wanted him to. Then with his tight work schedule and cash later he just kind of rolled it onto me and convinced me to let him pay me ticket after a few refusals that i dont want him pay for me. So i kind of accepted the idea then and got the ticket, even if i wanted him to come 1st. And now when id come he also said he will pay for a place to stay and 'we will see' how it all goes. He had a week free a week ago and he already knew that in january when we were buying my ticket, but he just used that time now out with friends and stuff, because i think he thought she is coming so he dropped his plan of coming 1st..thats how i understood it. So yeah thats pretty much it. And yes its our 1st time meeting.

Well i dont know, maybe not exactly unsure, but i dont wanna exactly visit to prove his doubts wrong. He said once that he doesnt see any happines in meeting that we just have to see how it goes,.to me that sounds as him being all it will either work or not, no expectations?

[innocentbutterfly]

though he did say that he loves me and really wants it to be all good when we meet, but his doubts are taking its toll on my mind. Worst case he said it would be a nice holiday 4 me, we finish and im back home and i wouldnt exactly want that thrown at me, but he did. He often said im taking relationship too easy, that i live in a dream and that we have to meet 1st so all of it gets some base. But then i dont know why all the commitment..he made me stop talking to guy friends entirely On chats, even had to delete tons of male online friends on fb, hes calling me his gf and he doesnt talk with girls too, even ditched fb lately.. And then after that its a bit hard saying its all just net

[digitalfever]

Just to clarify:

1. He bought your ticket?
2. He had time off before hand in January?

[Hyacinth]

I dunno if I would've invested myself in my current relationship if we'd been in it with a "no expectations" attitude.
I had expectations. And he had his. We were realistic about our situation, we knew LD was hard, there were arguments but once we realised that's what we wanted, to be together, we stuck it out. And a major part of all of that, was actually meeting each other. IMHO, this is crucial.
All that being said, relationships do fail every now and then. So one's gotta be prepared to face that in case things don't work out.
Just to clarify something, did he pay for your ticket or did you?
Do you want this to work? Do you feel, despite all the doubts and worries, that you can't wait to see him? Are you excited at the prospect of meeting him?

[innocentbutterfly]

yes, he Sent me cash to pay it and no, i was getting ticket in january and he knew his free days will be 7days in May and other 10 when i come, in august so yes, a week ago he had this free week he used

[innocentbutterfly]

yes, i want it to work and i cant wait to meet him though im a bit nervous - 1st time on plane, new country, travelling alone but yes i want it, only hearing his doubts kill my excitement a little

[Hyacinth]

Well, he paid for your ticket that's a good sign. And you're due to go in August right?
You're just gonna have to dive in at a certain point. Invest yourself despite all the issues and see where this takes you. The other option obviously is skipping the whole meeting thing and moving on. Is that an option to you or you're not even considering that?

[innocentbutterfly]

yes, thats right. I got 10days two Way ticket in august. Well you know im not the kind of person to give up and id really want to meet him and see hows he in real. Because time means something to me and now stopping past the halfway all would feel in vain and dont always wanna keep asking myself and eat myself as to how we would work in real, so i guess for myself if i want to be at peace at least i have to carry on with that and expect all or nothing, because i know it would hurt either way, so as you said i have to make a kind of a sacrifice,right? I only hope its the right thing to do..