Closeing distance then found out he has been lying for the last year

[Only]

The man i have been dateing for about a year now. We planned to close the distance June 2, he was/is planning to move with me. Everything is in place as he is warapping up his current job and has a job offer in my town.
I always knew someting was off. When i was in town there was always a reson we would not stay at his home, reguardless he would spend holidays with me and say all the right things.

We have ended the relationship once because i felt he was hiding something from me. I asked him to come clean, if we are going to live together we need to start out right. He told me he has not been living with his roomate (best male friend) but it was really his ex girlfriend. He told me they were living together, as a couple for 4 years and bought a house together 2 years ago, breaking up shortly after but still living together until they could sell the house.

He has shown me the deed and has given her the house and just walked away, last week. He also just moved out last week.

I believe he is telling me the truth now. I dont think there has been anything between them for a long time. I just dont know if I can move on with him knowing he lied to me daily about his living arrangment, how he was watching tv with, while texting me. I think of all the times he would be outside talking to me and it was her that came out to see what he was doing.

Can someone give me insight? Can you live with your ex for 2 years and be over them. He said it was all about the house. I couldnt live with my ex for years but i have never jointly owned a house with someone. He lied to me when i told him i felt like I was loseing my mind and i had never been insecure. Even when i said, are you living with a girlfriend, in a relationship. I even went so far as to ask if he was gay and in a relationship with his roomate.

I love him but I dont want to be the fool. My heart tells me he is the one but im afraid he will just end up lying to me in the future. Or maybe he is really not over his ex and im the extended rebound?

Thoughts advise? Have you been through this, how did it turn out?

[Kristin91]

It's very possible that it could have been just about the house. Houses are expensive and you can't just get out of living in one (regardless of whether you're renting or own it yourself). However, you also said he lied to you daily about who he was with while at home... you need to decide if you can forgive that and let it go. If you can't you will never be able to be completely happy with your relationship. We can't decide for you and we can't tell you what to do. It's your choice and you have to decide what's best for you.

[Hyacinth]

I've found that it's really hard to get over any sort of lying. It's a question of trust and whenever something comes up, are you gonna keep asking yourself, is he telling me the truth this time?
But if you wanna carry on with this, you're really gonna have to find a way to work on the trust.
I'd never be able to live with an ex. Don'tevenkeep in touch with them. But of course ththere's the house situation here. But no excuses for lying even if he thought you wouldn't be cool with it, he had to be honest and tell you

[LilyChiba]

It is very possible to live with an ex and not have feelings for them any longer. I did so up until my current visit, which we all parted ways. Why? Because it was a financial thing for both of us. I technically now no longer have a home in Australia and will have to fight tooth and nail to get back down to where I was living so I can keep my job. I had to stay with the house until everyone moved out anyhow, as the bond was my mother's money. So not only was there that, but again.. it was just a lot easier to save money when you are sharing, especially in Australia where the cost of living is out the roof. Whilst I see why people think living with an ex is not a good idea, whether you retained a good friendship or not, I still believe there are other reasons why it is possible. There was also the fact, until I took this trip, he had no license and my car broke down last year. Convenience. But that aside... for the lying..

I personally hate when people lie to me and it eats me up. I have an instinct when someone isn't being truthful, but I'm sure we all do when things just don't add up and we see the patterns in people. I've told the people around me not to lie, because if I find out they have, and its for petty things, I'm going to lose trust. It's not something I can personally get over. It is something which has affected me to the point of a break down in the past, which is why I am so adamant about honesty now. Whether to give your SO a chance or not? I think you'll regret not trying and so will he, but you need to be absolutely clear that he can't do that again. The occasional white lie I don't see the harm in, but when it is something they know will piss you off and they do it anyhow, that's not ok. As the poster above said.. Forgive or forget pretty much.

[dragonlady]

someone can live with there ex for a long time ( i am stuck with mine until i get another home for example..) and i dont feel anything for him (besides contempt)
but he should have told you about it.. it is what you do with it just what everybody say's..

[Verojoon]

I just wanted to add that it is okay if it takes you a little bit of time to work through the issue until you feel you can forgive, but it needs to be actively worked on, and then, it needs to be let go off. If you decide to forgive him, you need to do it wholeheartedly and leave the past in the past (as soon as you are comfortable doing it)

I lived with my ex for about 6 months and it was horrible. But there sure wasn't any feelings... well there was bitterness and hate... There was guilt trips and yelling and doing everything he could to make me feel like I was a bad person... I would never do it again, but for those reasons alone...

[Jazi]

personally hate when people lie to me and it eats me up. I have an instinct when someone isn't being truthful, but I'm sure we all do when things just don't add up and we see the patterns in people. I've told the people around me not to lie, because if I find out they have, and its for petty things, I'm going to lose trust. It's not something I can personally get over. It is something which has affected me to the point of a break down in the past, which is why I am so adamant about honesty now. Whether to give your SO a chance or not? I think you'll regret not trying and so will he, but you need to be absolutely clear that he can't do that again.

I just wanted to add that it is okay if it takes you a little bit of time to work through the issue until you feel you can forgive, but it needs to be actively worked on, and then, it needs to be let go off. If you decide to forgive him, you need to do it wholeheartedly and leave the past in the past (as soon as you are comfortable doing it)

I agree with these lovely posters . I definitely feel the same about lying as Lily, I just CAN'T be around that, it really isn't about the thing that the person lies about at all, it is the pure fact that they would so openly and easily lie to me, it makes me question EVERYTHING about them/the relationship or what I mean to that person. It isn't always a deal breaker for there to be a moderate lie in the relationship though.. My SO lied about some pretty stupid stuff earlier in our relationship and we worked on the issues and repercussions that stemmed from those lies. It wasn't easy for either of us and things were very intense in our relationship whilst working through the stages until forgiveness/moving past it...

I think one of the most important things you can learn about your partner is how they deal with issues, especially when it is them who are at the hand of the issue. how your SO deals with your anger and you being upset; the patience your SO shows and the determination to helping you to go through whatever stages you need without getting angry at YOU is really important. I don't think you should be expected to forgive him straight away, I think if your relationship is to continue successfully he will have to show patience and support to get back to that great place you both know in your relationship, your job is to actively work on this and work through all the stages until forgiveness.. Although I think that there are some lies you just can't get back from - depends if you have already 'decided' that you can't fix it or move past it and it also depends on how willing he is to be a bit selfless to move through it with you.

[Dezface]

I definitely think the main issue is the lying. If he's willing to lie that long about something, it doesn't speak much for his character. Now I get why he thought it may be hard to tell you. He may have figured you would go running once you knew. That's understandable. But it is so not OK to lie to you for that long. He had you doubting yourself and feeling badly.

You of course need to do what you feel is right. If you truly believe you can both continue this relationship in a fully honest manner, then you should try that out. But just judging by what you've said yourself, you don't seem like you'll be able to trust him again and trust is something a relationship can't survive without. He can be the nicest guy in the world and you may be very compatible....but if you're always afraid he's lying to you, it isn't going to work out in the long run.