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**Hollandia** · May 30, 2013, 02:34 PM

Anybody has boundaries and deal breakers. You should have open communication with him about what your expectations are versus what his are. If he is not willing to agree to those aspects which are out of your boundaries then you need to decide if it is a deal breaker for you. Are these female friends single? That would make me concerned if they all are. Are they going out to meat market clubs and living like single or hitting the local Bingo nights like buds? (not literally)

I would ask him if these female friends are aware that he is in a committed relationship and know that they are strictly platonic friends.This being said trust is also tantamount in an LDR. If he says they are just friends and nothing is going on and you accept this, then you need to trust him or the relationship won't work. You should also try to make some more female friends if you don't feel comfortable around your guy friends or go out in groups, if it makes you feel uncomfortable don't do it. He does not have to share this outlook with you. I am going to say that if you do think this is a deal breaker, that does not make you a bad person either. We can all handle what we can handle. I would not want my SO spending time with female friends all the time either. This would probably be a deal breaker for me. I don't want that kind of relationship. I had an ex who spent several nights a week out at this league or that event, without me. He ended up cheating on me. Hanging out with your buddies from time to time is one thing, going out to single bars with single friends is another. This is not what people that have met their "person" should want to be doing. As always, this is just IMHO.

**chizatlauren** · May 30, 2013, 08:31 PM

Both of you should put up your ground rules and lay down your cards.

You should know if you are really in a committed relationship, or an open relationship, or in a relationship where you are allowed to 'flirt' but not touch or have sex with other people. My SO and I had to settle this on the third month of our relationship because he met a woman in a bar before and told her he was single, which ended to having her as his stalker because she thought he was single. Since then I told him that I DO NOT want a relationship where only the two of us know about it. It has to be made public, and our families need to be aware that we are committed to each other and that we are only preserving ourselves for each other.

Now if you want that kind of relationship, while your SO doesn't really want that yet, then you should make a decision for yourself. You might get hurt if you continue waiting for the time that he'll be wanting to commit himself to you. If you're not in the same page yet, you might need to slow things down with him.

**ZenZeta** · May 31, 2013, 02:59 PM

All good and noted responses. He says that these single (and I'm sure beautiful) women know about me... That he's told them about me, etc. On my two failed attempts to spend time with my male "friends" since SO and I have been together, I talked about HIM the entire time, so it was brutally clear that I was NOT on the market.

I thought our boundaries were clear. He said he wanted "monogamy", but some men view monogamy as not having sex with other people but still dating (in my world the dating--especially repeatedly--usually ends up leading to sex).

Since he's coming next week, I am going to not address it. This is one of those face-to-face topics. Besides... new challenges have arisen, and now would be a good time to decide if this LDR is really the best thing (I'm wondering if I'm strong enough to handle it). Stay tuned for a new thread...

**libelle** · May 31, 2013, 05:24 PM

From your words it is obvious that you are very uncomfortable with this, and maybe also a little insecure about it (coming from the note that they are surely beautiful). Just tell him that. How often do they meet, where, are the other ones single? Those were good questions other people listed that you should note and ask him.. I think you have the full right to set boundaries. In a relationship people must make sacrifices and compromises, if his actions make you feel bad then it is up to him to change them. And after all, single or not, those friends, even if they were super close ones before, should back off as much as you want them to a sign of respect toward your relationship. Don't be afraid to adress him about it, and if it is so hard for him to understand why it makes you uncomfortable, ask him to imagine how he would feel if you were so often in other men's company. That always helps. Good luck from me

**ThePiedPiper** · May 31, 2013, 05:36 PM

I guess the big question is is he doing anything inappropriate? Nothing happens without his go ahead, so even if going out with female friends gives off the wrong impression, it's easy enough to correct. I went out with male friends while in a LDR and nothing ever came close to happening nor did I ever feel like I was cheating because the boundaries were straightforward from the get go. I would talk to him about it, sure, but be mindful that this might be the voice of insecurity if he hasn't given you any reason to feel insecure beyond he's fine hanging with female friends and you shy away from hanging with male ones.

**ams.201220** · May 31, 2013, 06:33 PM

There was a time when I got really upset about the fact that my SO didn't talk to me about girls he would hang out, because they would come up randomly out of nowhere. If your SO is willing to tell you when he's hanging out with these friends, then I don't really think you have anything to worry about.

Have some faith in him and just tell him how you feel about it.

**ZenZeta** · June 1, 2013, 09:35 PM

Well... I had ALMOST wrapped my head around the idea that "it's just dinner..." until he informed me that he will be visiting one of these female friends this weekend... overnight... at a beach house. I am NOT comfortable with that at ALL. He says they have been friends for years, but I don't understand how two SINGLE people of the opposite sex can just hang out at a beach house. He says she knows about me, but if she did, why is she OK with spending the night at a beach house with someone who is i a relationship? It doesn't feel right.

I did ask him how he would feel if I did the same thing. His response: I trust you. It wouldn't bother me.

So, call me insecure and non-trusting, but I don't LIKE the fact that he's spending a beach trip with someone of the opposite sex. I could EASILY go make a date of my own, but I honestly don't want to date anyone else.

He likes the fact that I'm so "laid back". Will I lose "cool chick" status if I bring it up? I certainly don't want to pretend to be OK with something that I'm not OK with (or indulge my immature whim of giving him a taste of his own medicine)

Am I being irrational?

**ThePiedPiper** · June 1, 2013, 11:04 PM

I think it's best to talk to him about it. Some people are more comfortable with things than others. His response is similar to what mine was with my SO and I never minded if he stayed overnight with female friends present or even shared a room/vicinity with them. But that's me and I understand a lot of people are not okay with that, and you shouldn't have to be if it's a hard limit for you.

**ams.201220** · June 1, 2013, 11:11 PM

...The whole overnight thing really doesn't seem copacetic. I can understand how he says they are friends, but at this point, I don't really think he's taking your feelings into consideration. Have you told him that it makes you feel insecure? And honestly, girls are girls, and girls can be bitches. When my SO and I were separated for a semester, one of my guy friends would come over and spend the night. Eventually it led to more than just cuddling, and he had a girlfriend and still has that same girlfriend who is still none the wiser. At this point, I wouldn't worry about "cool chick" status, because if he keeps doing things to upset you, you're eventually going to explode to a point that it'll strongly affect your relationship. Instead, I would talk to him about it over the phone.

**Kiyama** · June 2, 2013, 03:28 AM

I wouldn't mind my SO having female friends. I never have. I have close male friends and I wouldn't dream of giving up that friendship.
However, I understand your concerns with regard to the beach house. I don't think I'd be overly comfortable with that. Talk to him about it. If it's a no go for you, then let him know. We all have dealbreakers. He might not be happy about it but he will respect your feelings

**ZenZeta** · June 2, 2013, 01:05 PM

Well... we talked and it didn't go well. We're not dramatic "fighters" but it's obviously a difference of opinion...

I simply asked for clarification on the sleeping arrangements during this excursion, and he stated that he will be meeting up at the beach house but everyone has their own homes/living space BUT if drinks start flowing, they may end up under the same roof...drunk...overnight. I suggested that if that happens, would he be willing to call her a taxi (as that would make me uncomfortable). He shut down. His response: "Fine, I just won't do it..."

He then proceeds to go on a mini tyrade about how "This always happens" and how he has not spent any time with his friends--male or female --since we started going out. I NEVER asked him to do this, and now I feel like he has been resenting me and the relationship because he feels restricted (self imposed restriction). Unfortunately, as I tried to help him understand that I think it's unhealthy to to that, and that I think he SHOULD go out and have fun, etc, he kept responding "You're just saying that" which started to irritate me.

Needless to say, he didn't get any sleep (due to the time difference) as a result of our little tiff and got into an argument with his boss and has had a crappy day all because I opened my big mouth.

So I'm at a crossroads. I certainly won't remain mute if I have an issue or need clarification, but feel like I'm talking to a brick wall right now. He's taken it so far to the extreme that he's like "I'll just not make a job change and come back to the states and be with you (is he serious?). I don't think I should be made to feel guilty for expressing my concern about a situation (ESPECIALLY in a kind, calm manner).

Well... at least the honeymoon stage is over. I'm gonna let it go for now. It's clear we were both frustrated and his day has been bad enough thanks to me. He did say "I never thought WE would be having this conversation"... so I guess I'm not "cool chick" anymore. (sigh) We'll see how this plays out.

**libelle** · June 2, 2013, 01:49 PM

Don't worry about being the "cool chick" .. I don't even understand what this is all about. People should love eachother for who they are not for who they imagine the other person to be/pretend to be. You can't keep the play for forever, things like that will always pop up. What, if he wanted a threesome with another girl you would accept just because of being scared of not falling out of that category? The principle is the same. And also, who says you aren't a "cool chick"? As far as i know this definition doesn't include putting up with every thing he decides to do and keep all your opinion to yourself for his fun's sake. You have all right to be uncomfortable with it and express it, that he is trying to turn it against you is a very asshole move in my point of view. He should try to think about the way he is making you feel, not about all the fun he is missing. As if you would have lots of fun during that night if he went, worrying about what he is doing and who he is getting drunk with??? Don't feel guilty about expressing your opinion. You have all the right to set boundaries about the relationships with the other sex, as does he. And he doesn't have the right to generalise everything - going out with his guy friends for couple of beers/gaming/whatever for example is different than going out to oversleep at some beach house with a single girl friend, even if he knew her for his entire life!! So he can't say you aren't allowing him to have fun, when the fun he is picking is something that will bother you and make you feel sad/insecure/uncomfortable. If he doesn't care enough to realise that then he simply doesn't deserve you/ isn't mature enough to realise his actions and how they affect you. Look for someone who will treat you the way you treat them - with love and care!!
Sorry for being so emotional. Maybe he is a good guy but I hate when someone in a relationship, guy or girl, doesn't get treated the way that they deserve to be.

**digitalfever** · June 2, 2013, 02:17 PM

Originally posted by ZenZeta View Post

Well... we talked and it didn't go well. We're not dramatic "fighters" but it's obviously a difference of opinion...

I simply asked for clarification on the sleeping arrangements during this excursion, and he stated that he will be meeting up at the beach house but everyone has their own homes/living space BUT if drinks start flowing, they may end up under the same roof...drunk...overnight. I suggested that if that happens, would he be willing to call her a taxi (as that would make me uncomfortable). He shut down. His response: "Fine, I just won't do it..."

He then proceeds to go on a mini tyrade about how "This always happens" and how he has not spent any time with his friends--male or female --since we started going out. I NEVER asked him to do this, and now I feel like he has been resenting me and the relationship because he feels restricted (self imposed restriction). Unfortunately, as I tried to help him understand that I think it's unhealthy to to that, and that I think he SHOULD go out and have fun, etc, he kept responding "You're just saying that" which started to irritate me.

Needless to say, he didn't get any sleep (due to the time difference) as a result of our little tiff and got into an argument with his boss and has had a crappy day all because I opened my big mouth.

So I'm at a crossroads. I certainly won't remain mute if I have an issue or need clarification, but feel like I'm talking to a brick wall right now. He's taken it so far to the extreme that he's like "I'll just not make a job change and come back to the states and be with you (is he serious?). I don't think I should be made to feel guilty for expressing my concern about a situation (ESPECIALLY in a kind, calm manner).

Well... at least the honeymoon stage is over. I'm gonna let it go for now. It's clear we were both frustrated and his day has been bad enough thanks to me. He did say "I never thought WE would be having this conversation"... so I guess I'm not "cool chick" anymore. (sigh) We'll see how this plays out.

He has a serious attitude problem.

He's imposing restrictions on himself and THEN has the audacity to be mad at you. I'd say "go" and then leave it at that. He needs to stop over thinking this and just have fun. Couples can still go out and party and drink....just not with the purpose of finding that special friend. What's his issue?

**ThePiedPiper** · June 2, 2013, 02:21 PM

Originally posted by digitalfever View Post

He has a serious attitude problem.

He's imposing restrictions on himself and THEN has the audacity to be mad at you. I'd say "go" and then leave it at that. He needs to stop over thinking this and just have fun. Couples can still go out and party and drink....just not with the purpose of finding that special friend. What's his issue?

I agree with this. Unless you've brought this issue up repeatedly (despite telling him to go out), then he has no right to act the way that he is. :/

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