My SO has gained a bit of weight...

[tessiewoo]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance since we started dating 3 and 1/2 years ago. I love him so very much. We have an amazing connection. I am extremely active, exercising almost everyday and I eat really healthy. He eats well, but does not exercise. He just recently got a new job where he sits at a desk all day long. This has brought on a good bit of weight gain. At least 50 pounds. I need to be with someone active and I want to be with him. It's hard to inspire someone to lose weight from 300 miles away.

Does anyone have any tips on encouraging him to lose weight? I'm scared I'm losing my attraction for him.

[Black_Halloween]

You need to look at how obsessed you are with weight and looks. Work on how you perceive the world instead of telling him to lose weight. It throws up red flags for me when you said you think you're starting to lose your attraction to him just because he gained a few pounds. I mean think of this this way: what if he was the one calling you fat and telling you that you need to lose weight?

[Hollandia]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance since we started dating 3 and 1/2 years ago. I love him so very much. We have an amazing connection. I am extremely active, exercising almost everyday and I eat really healthy. He eats well, but does not exercise. He just recently got a new job where he sits at a desk all day long. This has brought on a good bit of weight gain. At least 50 pounds. I need to be with someone active and I want to be with him. It's hard to inspire someone to lose weight from 300 miles away.

Does anyone have any tips on encouraging him to lose weight? I'm scared I'm losing my attraction for him.

Beauty is only skin deep. If you love him enough, does it matter? My SO fights his weight all the time. I am a health freak and workout nut but I love him still as much as the day I met him.

You can offer suggestions, but he has to want it for himself. Sitting at a desk during the work day is one thing, you can still work out when not working if you wish. You can also watch your food intake and not over eat. You can't do it for him, and 50 pounds is going to take some willpower. I would just offer any assistance if he wants it in forms of healthy snacks and meal ideas and/or ways to work out when you can't get to gym. The only other thing you can do is tell him you love him and support him and you are there for him no matter what.

[sarahjane1992]

You need to look at how obsessed you are with weight and looks. Work on how you perceive the world instead of telling him to lose weight. It throws up red flags for me when you said you think you're starting to lose your attraction to him just because he gained a few pounds. I mean think of this this way: what if he was the one calling you fat and telling you that you need to lose weight?

This is on point! I have had body issues for years. I have lost a good amount of weight and I'm working to keep it off. You should love someone for who they are, even if they've gained weight. That's very superficial. My BF loves me the way I am. I work out and try and eat good, but even if I don't lose another pound, he'll love me just the same.

[ST25]

You can talk with him about it, or at least make some suggestions about doing some exercise activity together. Not like 'Oh, you need to lose some weight, blah blah blah', but something that you guys can do together (when you get together). Bike riding is good. And as long as his conscious is fine about it, then the weight isn't all that important (unless it was life-threatening). No shame in having some standards though.

[sarahjane1992]

You can talk with him about it, or at least make some suggestions about doing some exercise activity together. Not like 'Oh, you need to lose some weight, blah blah blah', but something that you guys can do together (when you get together). Bike riding is good. And as long as his conscious is fine about it, then the weight isn't all that important (unless it was life-threatening). No shame in having some standards though.

I can say from experience, having people make comments or say things like, you should lose weight just makes it so much worse! I agree with having standards, but to feel like you're not attracted to someone just because they've gained weight is just plain shallow.

[80anthea]

Has he asked you for help?

[libelle]

I am sure you aren't the only one who has noticed that he has gained weight, he has too! It is not something you can easily overlook, really. If it is something that bothers him, he will seek your help when he is ready. But don't push it and tell him things that he knows already, it won't help. If anything it will make it worse, by strengthening any insecurities he may be having about it.

[kittyo9]

Mostly in agreement with what has been said, I feel like you're equating the "need to be with someone active" with the "need to be with someone thin." I want to say this as kindly as possible, but he doesn't "need" to lose weight; you need a reality check. You can encourage him to be active without demanding or expecting that he lose weight.

I think you need to sort out what you really want here. It's okay to let him know that you are concerned about his recent weight gain, but only if you would say the same about an equivalent weight loss (similar loss in a similar amount of time). If you would not say the same thing about an equivalent weight loss, then what you're really worried about is his appearance, not his well-being.

Instead of asking about his weight, ask him how he feels. Does he feel okay? Is he happy? What does he want?

You can ask him to take a walk with you because you'd enjoy it (not because you want him to lose weight). Are you competitive? You could have a challenge that each of you have to go to the gym x days a week for x weeks, or walk/run/bike x miles per week (set individual goals based on your abilities), etc. That's something both of you might enjoy doing even while apart, provided that both of you enjoy those physical activities.

Ultimately, the goal should not be weight loss, but rather to enjoy activities with one another, since that's what you seem to be telling us you want.

[ushiwakafox]

I would be extremely concerned if my SO suddenly gained that much weight! That's very unhealthy, just say you're concerned about his health, you've noticed he's put on a few pounds and you're worried about his health.

[digitalfever]

When we meet someone and fall in love we fall in love with the whole package - personality, emotions and appearance. I think that it's OK to feel less attracted to someone if the package is significantly altered. Appearance 100% included. Loving someone because they are "them" is totally fine and dandy BUT in reality you can love someone and still have less of a desire to jump their bones. Such is life.

Attraction is just as important as someone's personality and if your attraction to your SO is compromised then you need to talk to him about it.

My SO and I have an agreement. We stay healthy and physically "fit" (in other words, we stay each others eye candy.) I want my SO to look at me and be like "damn!" and he wants me to be able to do the same.

I see no problem in talking to him about this. 50 pounds is a lot of weight and is a clear sign of something going on in his life. Talk to him and see what's up

[temporaryuser]

If he has also noticed the weight gain, and is concerend, then offer some friendly tips.
Help him pick out healhty food choices - things he can pack instead of eating out.
Suggest he go for a walk/park further away
There are tons of apps that you can both do and have a friendly competition.
Now, if he isnt concerend and/or hasnt mentioned it, like others said it is something you may have to accept. if it is a deal breaker, then I would talk to him about it and express your concerens

[Hollandia]

How about if he loses his hair? If he cannot afford those plugs and loses his attactiveness? This is a part of life and men can go bald as early as late twenties. You cannot pick a lifemate and assume they will always be as attractive. I stay fit for me and not for my man.

I agree with one thing, some people are shallow, they need their SO's to be pretty on the outside. If it is a deal breaker then break up. Once you go over the 30 pound mark it gets very hard to lose the weight. How long will you wait if this is a deal breaker for you and it is very unfair to him if you feel it is and don't tell him.

I can only wonder that if you had a car accident and were horribly mamed would he be so likely to think less of you? There are no guarantees in life that neither of us will not lose some of that shine at times, that is the whole point of picking a life partner you love without conditions. You sound like you still have conditions.

[Kiyama]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance since we started dating 3 and 1/2 years ago. I love him so very much. We have an amazing connection. I am extremely active, exercising almost everyday and I eat really healthy. He eats well, but does not exercise. He just recently got a new job where he sits at a desk all day long. This has brought on a good bit of weight gain. At least 50 pounds. I need to be with someone active and I want to be with him. It's hard to inspire someone to lose weight from 300 miles away.

Does anyone have any tips on encouraging him to lose weight? I'm scared I'm losing my attraction for him.

Firstly, you don't gain 50 pounds just from sitting at your desk. If he ate well, he wouldn't have gained that much weight. We're not talking about a couple of kilos here but about quite an amount.
Can health issues be excluded? If he really does eat well (and that's not something he's just telling you because he's scared to tell you the truth), he should get himself checked.

I understand your concerns. In my opinion you're not superficial or shallow because you don't like his weight gain too much. Again, I want to stress here that I'm not talking about a few pounds here but 50, which is quite a bit. I agree with Digitalfever, you fell in love with the whole package, character and appearance.
The thing is that there might not be too much you can do. Loosing that much weight is very difficult and starting to pick on him is the worst you can do. He might never go back down to his original weight so ask yourself if you still find him attractive, even if he looses only half of the gained weight.

[digitalfever]

How about if he loses his hair? If he cannot afford those plugs and loses his attactiveness? This is a part of life and men can go bald as early as late twenties. You cannot pick a lifemate and assume they will always be as attractive. I stay fit for me and not for my man.

I agree with one thing, some people are shallow, they need their SO's to be pretty on the outside. If it is a deal breaker then break up. Once you go over the 30 pound mark it gets very hard to lose the weight. How long will you wait if this is a deal breaker for you and it is very unfair to him if you feel it is and don't tell him.

I can only wonder that if you had a car accident and were horribly mamed would he be so likely to think less of you? There are no guarantees in life that neither of us will not lose some of that shine at times, that is the whole point of picking a life partner you love without conditions. You sound like you still have conditions.

I don't see the immediate correlation between "I want my SO to loose weight because I'm less attracted to him" and "I want my SO to be pretty so that he looks great ALL THE TIME!!!!"


While one is shallow and totally emphasizes physicality over connection the other is simply a preference that has to do with the relationship as a whole.

People leave their partners all the time. I don't understand why everyone is so emotional?