Been a while, but this LFAD thing needs a finisher.

[Somuch_time82]

I joined this group when I was in a long distance relationship. It didn't start that way, we spent months living together before it got to the long-distance part. But despite all the crafty gifts, love, encouragement, understanding and trust I shelled out...(not to mention the money I lost on a ring) While she was away, my SO cheated on me with multiple partners..and when she came back, to again live with me after her adventure..she was hiding an active relationship with another guy she met from her travel. She kept up a ruse with me for about two weeks when I had had enough with the obvious lies and her always on her phone..always careful to lock the screen and keep her phone close. And not having much of anything to do with me.

I spent 6 months of my life waiting on a girl that was as she put it, "better than any girl I'd ever met before". Haven't met someone that can keep a lie going strong even with her parents which I spent time with 3 days a week and on holidays. I learned to play guitar for her, from her father, to play for her our favorite song when I proposed to her when she got home. Her dad and I jammed at least once a week every week. I spent weekends very frequently hanging out with her brother, he would take me out to take my mind off her. I spent time helping her mom with projects and cooking and with her niece to lend a helping hand. And she knew all of this while she betrayed me..and lied about it to me and her wonderful family.

I guess when it comes down to it, the LFAD idea is very nice but entirely depends on both partners being ok with wanting something you cannot have. And as hard as it to stop yourself from taking what you want from where you're going to get it...this idea of a "relationship" isn't one. Relationships are in-person at their core. Shared daily life and experiences and being a part of that persons life in a tangible way. Relationships are associations that "relate" to each others memories, needs, wants and desires. I learned that no matter how hard you try, the normal human experience of being with someone cannot be discounted or replaced by making phone calls, emails, facebooking, skyping, gifting, or wishing for things you can't make happen, endlessly. If you wanna be a part of that person's life..you gotta be there with them taking the good days and the bad. If you're not, there's seemingly inevitably someone that will. This will be my last post on this site. Good luck to you lot. At least wish you better luck than my own. I haven't been the same since my situation unfolded. Better luck to you and yours.

[kittyo9]

Sorry yours didn't work out.

I guess when it comes down to it, the LFAD idea is very nice but entirely depends on both partners being ok with wanting something you cannot have. And as hard as it to stop yourself from taking what you want from where you're going to get it...this idea of a "relationship" isn't one. Relationships are in-person at their core. Shared daily life and experiences and being a part of that persons life in a tangible way. Relationships are associations that "relate" to each others memories, needs, wants and desires. I learned that no matter how hard you try, the normal human experience of being with someone cannot be discounted or replaced by making phone calls, emails, facebooking, skyping, gifting, or wishing for things you can't make happen, endlessly. If you wanna be a part of that person's life..you gotta be there with them taking the good days and the bad. If you're not, there's seemingly inevitably someone that will.

You're trying to apply your own, personal experience to everyone else here. It doesn't work that way, sorry.

[lyonsgirl]

I guess when it comes down to it, the LFAD idea is very nice but entirely depends on both partners being ok with wanting something you cannot have. And as hard as it to stop yourself from taking what you want from where you're going to get it...this idea of a "relationship" isn't one. Relationships are in-person at their core. Shared daily life and experiences and being a part of that persons life in a tangible way. Relationships are associations that "relate" to each others memories, needs, wants and desires. I learned that no matter how hard you try, the normal human experience of being with someone cannot be discounted or replaced by making phone calls, emails, facebooking, skyping, gifting, or wishing for things you can't make happen, endlessly. If you wanna be a part of that person's life..you gotta be there with them taking the good days and the bad. If you're not, there's seemingly inevitably someone that will.

Gee, thanks for telling us all of our relationships are shams. Especially to those who have closed the distance/gotten married/have kids.

[kattermole]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but this place is proof on a daily basis that it can and will work out. Sure, sometimes it doesn't, but that's the same close distance as well. When I was LD with my SO, I felt more "in a relationship" and loved and cherished than I'd ever felt before, and now we're close distance, nothing has changed. You've had a bad experience but I'd wager it's less to do with being long distance than with the personality and horrible behaviour of your ex.

[Kristin91]

I guess when it comes down to it, the LFAD idea is very nice but entirely depends on both partners being ok with wanting something you cannot have. And as hard as it to stop yourself from taking what you want from where you're going to get it...this idea of a "relationship" isn't one. Relationships are in-person at their core. Shared daily life and experiences and being a part of that persons life in a tangible way. Relationships are associations that "relate" to each others memories, needs, wants and desires. I learned that no matter how hard you try, the normal human experience of being with someone cannot be discounted or replaced by making phone calls, emails, facebooking, skyping, gifting, or wishing for things you can't make happen, endlessly. If you wanna be a part of that person's life..you gotta be there with them taking the good days and the bad. If you're not, there's seemingly inevitably someone that will. This will be my last post on this site. Good luck to you lot. At least wish you better luck than my own. I haven't been the same since my situation unfolded. Better luck to you and yours.

Just because your relationship didn't work out don't discount all of ours! Break-ups and cheating SO's can happen whether you're in a CDR or a LDR. Most of us don't intend to be LD permanently, we have plans to close the distance, get married, have kids, get visas granted, etc. etc...

[80anthea]

I am very sorry your situation didn't work out and you are obviously hurting a lot right now about it as it sounds an horrendous position to find yourself in. I just wanted to say though, what you describe can happen in regular close distance relationships too, I was married , we lived together, saw each other every day, slept in the same bed etc even had a child together but I was still cheated on. I'm now in a LDR with someone who I am actually even emotionally closer to despite the geographical distance and whom I trust impeccably. Yes he may cheat on me, who knows, no-one can read the future but I would face the same risk LDR or CD.

[ams.201220]

I'm sorry it didn't work out Yes, for an LDR to work, both partners have to be willing to give and take, which didn't seem to be what she wanted. And that's not your fault But it's quite narrowminded to judge all LDRs based on one bad experience. So many people on here have closed the distance, gotten married, and have had kids!

My SO and I argue about things we probably wouldn't CD, but that doesn't mean we won't have plenty of arguments CD. We love each other and that's the root of it all.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

As well intentioned as your advice may be, this is completely the wrong place to be giving that particular perspective. People here are here because they believe, want, and are working hard to make their long distance relationships work. Telling us that all our relationships are not relationships is really insulting.

Not every CD relationship works. In fact, most people have a CD relationship that doesn't work out. That doesn't mean they're all doomed.

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but I'm sorrier that your experience of loving someone from a distance didn't make you more open minded towards those of us who also want to make love work regardless of geography.

[Mims27]

What a totally unnecessary and kinda rude topic...
I have been in my relationship for over 3 years and I trust my partner 100% and she trusts me as well. I would never ever cheat on her or hurt her. She is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, yes even with the distance. I'm sorry your partner cheated on you but please don't come here and tell us we are setting ourselves up for failure. It's not our fault your relationship failed. Meanwhile, all of this could have happened even if your distance was closed, don't blame the distance...blame your cheating partner.

[Remy]

Sorry yours didn't work out as planned, however, don't your bad experience rings true for EVERY LD relationship...

[Chris516]

Gee, thanks for telling us all of our relationships are shams. Especially to those who have closed the distance/gotten married/have kids.

DITTO!!!

[Chris516]

What a totally unnecessary and kinda rude topic...
I have been in my relationship for over 3 years and I trust my partner 100% and she trusts me as well. I would never ever cheat on her or hurt her. She is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, yes even with the distance. I'm sorry your partner cheated on you but please don't come here and tell us we are setting ourselves up for failure. It's not our fault your relationship failed. Meanwhile, all of this could have happened even if your distance was closed, don't blame the distance...blame your cheating partner.

I have been in my LDR 6yrs.. When an online friend of mine nearly died last year, I didn't hide the fact of how it affected me. I was totally honest with my SO about it. Our communication has, while having its' 'quiet spells', has been far better, than what I had with my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance, who both lied to me.

So, While an LDR may not have all the benefits of an immediately physical relationship. An immediately physical relationship doesn't have all the benefits of an LDR.

[ThePiedPiper]

My opinion is that both LDRs and CDRs have their pros and cons, but neither of them have something the other one doesn't if you put in the blood, sweat, and tears that it takes to make any relationship work. People forget that in addition to being honest, open, and committed to your partner, you have to be committed to making it work, because whether you're CD or LD, if you're not committed, it's not going to work.

The one thing that LDRs do make easier is one's ability to lie, and I am sorry that your SO took advantage of it. I don't see why everyone is getting their panties in a twist, because if you dissect what he's saying, it's not that LDRs aren't valid...?

I guess when it comes down to it, the LFAD idea is very nice but entirely depends on both partners being ok with wanting something you cannot have. And as hard as it to stop yourself from taking what you want from where you're going to get it...this idea of a "relationship" isn't one.

He's saying that LDRs need two people to make it work. It needs two people okay with being apart for long periods of time and it needs two people working towards a common goal. "Taking what you want where you can get it" is something some people choose to live by, but that philosophy has no place in a relationship.

Relationships are in-person at their core. Shared daily life and experiences and being a part of that persons life in a tangible way. Relationships are associations that "relate" to each others memories, needs, wants and desires. I learned that no matter how hard you try, the normal human experience of being with someone cannot be discounted or replaced by making phone calls, emails, facebooking, skyping, gifting, or wishing for things you can't make happen, endlessly.

I don't believe that the relationships are in person at their core, no, but shared experiences are certainly important. While we work to make them happen through phone calls, e-mails, etc., there is an in person aspect that is missing in our LDRs. That is why we work so hard to close the distance and why many of us would not pursue a LDR if there was no end in sight or if we were told going LD meant we had to be LD forever. Some people would choose that route, sure, but a lot having closing the distance as an ultimate end goal (and this is reasonable) and I would argue that it's because we do crave the "normal" experience of being able to share our lives with our partners in person.

If you wanna be a part of that person's life..you gotta be there with them taking the good days and the bad. If you're not, there's seemingly inevitably someone that will. This will be my last post on this site.

I think the important take away from this is that a relationship with someone is a relationship through the good and the bad. I don't agree that one will necessarily find someone else, but I think we can all agree sometimes all we want is a hug. However, presence is not something that most people even CD can maintain or create and I think it's something we should all aim to create and sustain in our relationships.

Good luck to you lot. At least wish you better luck than my own. I haven't been the same since my situation unfolded. Better luck to you and yours.

I think he's saying better luck to everyone here and their relationships.


Somehow you all saw "isn't a relationship" and assumed he was applying it to LDRs or to his post in general. I don't think that's what he was saying at all, since he said "this idea of a relationship isn't one" following his explanation of what I presume was his SO's idea of a relationship. But maybe I'm wrong.

I am sincerely sorry this happened, both CD and LD. Unfortunately when people want to hide something like this, they find ways to hide it, and I am sorry she took advantage of your love and your kindness. With that said, any girl who would tell you she's better than anyone you've met before... Eh, you might have dodged a bullet. You might not see it that way right now, but I think you will eventually. Hang in there.

[lyonsgirl]

Piper, why must you always be so logical?

[ThePiedPiper]

Piper, why must you always be so logical?

Because I wouldn't be able to be the ho that plays devil's advocate otherwise.