When your Dad doesn't trust your LDR..

[Sav88]

I knew my Dad didn't like my SO after we had a falling out back in May. I was really hurt and my Dad saw it all. But I'm planning on seeing my SO for the first time in the new year. My Dad doesn't like the idea of me going over to him first (because my SO told me he can't afford to come see me in Australia). So I said I'd go to him. So now my SO is really excited and can't stop talking about us meeting up. I really want to do this, even though I've never flown before and a flight to the UK is 24 hours. So it's a HUGE leap out of my comfort zone. I'm willing to do this for him though. My Dad told me he doesn't trust him and that I don't know him. He thinks he's a player and just worries for me. I told my Dad I still wanted to go. I'm now upset that my Dad thinks so low of my SO and I've not told my SO about how my Dad thinks of him. I mean, its never a good thing to have your Dad not liking your boyfriend. So I've got a few more months (I've not booked the flight yet) but I really want to go. I mean, at least it'd be an experience. My Dad was recently telling me I needed to get my own life and better myself- well! this would be a start!

I do think I know my SO by now, as we've chatted via microphone and webcam. He's sent me videos from his mobile. We speak every day! So yes, I've not met my SO, but this is what an online LDR is! in some cases. But I do trust my SO in knowing he is who he is.

I just don't know how I'll convince my Dad how to just let me go.

[Butterfly-x]

Perhaps you can get your dad to talk to your SO via skype or something ?
Parents are naturally protective so your dad will need to see for himself that he's a decent guy and not a player like he seems to think!

Good luck

[LadyMarchHare]

Well if you're an adult and paying your way yourself, essentially your dad can't stop you. I don't support the whole "I'm an adult I do what I want" attitude with parents because even if you're not living with them, you're not showing you're an adult by saying that.

My mom is the same way, though a lot of her issues are race-based. She and my best friend believe it's better for "the man to see his woman" yet I'm the one with the time and money to do the traveling even though, like you, I've never stepped foot on a plane. I don't see why one gender has to do everything first, we're equal.

Has your dad ever talked to your SO? If not, you might want to encourage perhaps a webcam chat or at least a skype/phone call so that your dad can 'meet' him and give the infamous dad speech. Warn your guy, though. If he's doing this in blind hatred, that's not fair to you or your SO because that means he's not making an effort to be in such an important aspect of your life nor is he trusting your judgment. When you get ready to go, tell your dad you'll call every x hour on the plane if you can get a signal, you'll call him when you arrive at the airport and to the hotel/your SO's house, and you'll call every day to check in and say how you're doing so he isn't worried that you're hurt. Essentially it's just your dad is worried, but parents can project this the wrong way in these situations.

All in all, don't let it bother you (or at least not TOO much) and don't try forcing your guy on him, you can only do so much to encourage a little less dislike/hatred and keep the peace but if they're not going to get along, they're not going to get along. That's a minor issue in the end.

[Kirschlein]

Parents are always kinda sceptic about LDRs, not to mention my own two bishes. They were just not used to the fact, that someone could find his Soulmate over the Internet. They got raised in a non-computer time and so they couldn't tell exactly. But when they found out it can be (especially my mom, because she fell in love too over the internet) they let go of it now. But sometimes my dad is still asking me if i am nuts, when i tell him about my plans with Anton like living together in a year etc.
He still doesn't understand that i stay together with him, but sooner or later he will accept that too. If he meets your SO then you will see if he changes his mind. Just show him that you two are meant to be together and that it won't change. If he is a nice guy then he will understand sooner or later.
He just cares about you and is probably scared something happens to you. If he knows you are in a safe place up there then it will change a lot too i guess.

[Èternity]

If at all possible, have the two meet (even just an introduction at first) over the web cam. Do they have anything in common? Sports or other guy stuff? Maybe you could tell him more about your SO. It is going to be awkward but I think it will go a long way towards mending bridges. As a parent, when someone hurts my child, I get a rage inside me which doesn't go away easily. I'm sure when your Dad saw what you went through he still remembers that and is even more protective. Even though you can do what you please and are paying for yourself, it is so much nicer with your family's support, encouragment and well wishes with whatever you choose to do.

[Silviar]

I'm going to echo what others have said - it's normal for parents, especially dad's, to feel protective about their kids. And if you look at it from his perspective, can you blame him? You're going to be in a country far away with none of your support base, and he can't help but worry that if something should happen, you won't have anyone to protect you. And I don't even mean just your SO - lots can happen, like muggings, canceled flights (exploding volcanoes, anyone?), etc. I'm not saying he's right, just consider that he loves and cares about you enough to worry about the whole package.

I would suggest letting your dad get to talk to your SO via Skype. I did that, and even though we're independent adults, it really helped my boyfriend's mum feel at ease - and she loves me to death. I would work on keeping your life independent and your own, but I think your dad needs to understand that the heart wants, this is important to you, and you need to see if it works out in person as well as it has overseas. I think if your dad sees you staying independent while still nurturing your relationship, he'll also feel more at ease.

[Bluestars]

Just wondering, but how old are you?

That being said, I agree with Silviar. It is completely understandable for your dad to be worried about you. My mom is still worried about me every time I travel to see my SO. It can be dangerous for girls traveling all by themselves in a place that they have never been before. Heck, the last time I flew to see my SO I missed my connecting flight and ended up stranded in the airport for around eight hours...

My mom refused to let me see my SO in the beginning of our relationship, but after plenty of fights, my aunt helped us come to a compromise. She allowed me to see him only if he came to my hometown and saw me first. She did not allow me to fly to see him until he visited me three times, and even then she was still really worried!

As others have mentioned though, you need to let your dad get to know your SO, and Skype would be a good option!

One thing I would suggest as a possibility is buying your SO a plane ticket to come see you since he cannot afford it. Essentially, it would be the same as you flying to see him because you guys would still get to see each other, but your dad might feel more comfortable with this idea because he would get to meet your SO in person and realize that he is a real person who you actually care about. It may not be the ideal option, but it might make your dad change his mind if nothing else does.

[JoMarie]

I agree with a lot that has been said here. If you are an adult you need to make decisions for yourself. As much as you would like to have your dad like your SO, there may not be a way right now.

If thats a big problem see if you and your SO can set up a few times that your dad can speak to him, maybe via Webcam or telephone. Goodluck

[paulawriteslove]

It sounds like your Dad just worries about you. He doesn't want you getting hurt. He probably doesn't want anything bad to happen to you while you travel either. My parents wouldn't let me travel to see my SO first, they insisted that he come to me first. Which he did, and I'm so glad that he did! My parents love my SO! It makes our relationship easier
Maybe you can work out a way that your SO can come see you first. I'm sure your Dad would prefer that.
Good luck!

[Obsydian]

I had to suffer the whole "Man goes to see the woman, not the other way around" ordeal, as well as the fact that my parents were worried about me and that I was making a mistake. In the end I told them, and they understood, as an adult they couldn't really stop me. The way I did things made sense, I'm older than him and I have a job while he doesn't. Gender doesn't matter to me in these things.
So my parents gave in enough for me to feel comfortable getting tickets, and it turned out to be the best time of my life.
Don't lose hope!

[Sav88]

I'm 22 years old and my SO is 21. I had suggested last night to my Dad about talking to my SO and he said,"No! even if I thought he was a nice guy, I wouldn't trust him," and it was like..thanks Dad. He's not making anything easier by not letting me try and show him. My SO is a good guy, and a friend of mine has met him in real life and said he was an absolute sweetheart- which I know :P But also my friend agree's with my Dad as she's old fashioned and thinks "the guy should come to the girl." I mean, I was old fashioned, but after a while it faded away. I think we're all equal and sometimes there's pressure on one end or both. My SO told me he hasn't got enough money to fly over to me in Australia from England. I do have enough to see him and I am really wanting to take this big step. I'm not fearful of my SO, I think I do know him in an emotional sense. My Dad told me last night I don't know this person and it made me angry inside- I wanted to scream at him telling him how long we've been together and how we've done everything from skype, webcam and talking every single day. I really do understand where my Dad (and my Auntie- as she feels the same), are all coming from. I do understand it's out of loving me and worried things will go wrong as it's my first flight and they don't know him.

I've tried convincing my Auntie that my SO is a nice guy by showing her one day videos he's made for me and photos of him and his family. Like, she was really happy and seemed to like him FINALLY! but then a week later she's telling me "who is he really?" and "You only hear a voice," YET! she saw photos and video too!? I'm really feeling bad for my SO right now, he's copping a lot from my family without even knowing it. He doesn't deserve to be treated like an online sex offender when he really isn't.

So...I'm an adult, I work for my money, I feel like yes, they can't stop me from going..but I'm the sort of girl who doesn't want to disobey my family. But on the other hand, I do want to meet my SO. Also, one of you mentioned about buying him a plane ticket to come see me- well..my SO is a typical Englishman and feels he needs to buy his way, if you know what I mean. If I bought him a plane ticket to see me, he'd feel less of a man I guess. I just know him and he'd feel like a failure to me if his girl had to pay for him. Like, I would TOTALLY do that for him, I'm Aussie, and we're very generous people. But my generosity has been an issue to my SO in the past.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well if your dad refuses to take that step, then that's his own fault. There's a line between the atypical parental concern and this level of, well, ignorance. People who are firmly grounded in their beliefs, whatever they may be, will either take an act of congress to change their mind or will never budge. Honestly, this isn't disobeying your parents. Yes it's going against what your dad believes you should do, but technically he can't order you to stay or take your passport or anything and I think that's half his problem. You're 22, not 12, and he doesn't have the final say on you anymore. You can still be his little girl at times but gone are the days when he says "no" and you have to obey. As for your aunt, well, if she thinks a photograph is a voice she needs her head checked.

Honestly, we never know someone completely, even if we're with them in person. I know that from personal experience. Does it mean don't take the chance? No. You're trusting what you know about him and this trip will give you an opportunity to see more such as how he acts every day, and you come away more in love with them and trusting them more. It's a learning experience. But really in this case, do what you need to do regardless of the toes you step on to do it. You deserve this bit of happiness as much as anyone and a few naysayers shouldn't tear the sail on your ship.

[Sav88]

Well if your dad refuses to take that step, then that's his own fault. There's a line between the atypical parental concern and this level of, well, ignorance. People who are firmly grounded in their beliefs, whatever they may be, will either take an act of congress to change their mind or will never budge. Honestly, this isn't disobeying your parents. Yes it's going against what your dad believes you should do, but technically he can't order you to stay or take your passport or anything and I think that's half his problem. You're 22, not 12, and he doesn't have the final say on you anymore. You can still be his little girl at times but gone are the days when he says "no" and you have to obey. As for your aunt, well, if she thinks a photograph is a voice she needs her head checked.

Honestly, we never know someone completely, even if we're with them in person. I know that from personal experience. Does it mean don't take the chance? No. You're trusting what you know about him and this trip will give you an opportunity to see more such as how he acts every day, and you come away more in love with them and trusting them more. It's a learning experience. But really in this case, do what you need to do regardless of the toes you step on to do it. You deserve this bit of happiness as much as anyone and a few naysayers shouldn't tear the sail on your ship.

Thankyou so much! I cried just reading your response :P I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I felt trapped with the urge of wanting to meet my SO and not making my Dad or Auntie (whoever thinks it) upset with me. He was telling me just last night that he wants me to get my own life and to better myself. I think, by taking a plunge like this is something that will better me and also, shows him that I am taking charge of my own life. I've come to the conclusion, that if he doesn't want to talk to my SO before I leave, then it's his loss. I mean, if I were a parent, I'd want to talk to this person before my child gets on a plane or whatever to meet them. So maybe, when push comes to shove, he might take the chance.

[Butterfly-x]

You're 22! C'mon girl. You NEED to do what makes you happy.
You can't please everyone and sometimes you shouldnt compromise your happiness for anyone. In your case, your dad isnt willing to let go of his unfounded opinions/fears so you've just gotta do what you've gotta do. When you return safely with pics of you and your boy & good stories to tell him, he might just change his mind.
Good luck

[Bluestars]

If your parent's do not have any control over your finances or whatnot, I would probably just go without their approval, even if I really wanted it as well. There was a really good thread with an example of a girl who went without her parent's permission, and they ended up being happy for her after she came back....I really wanted to find it for you to read, but I think it might be on the old forum :/