Oh burn. Calling it off.

[HMA]

Right, so I expect to be single by the end of the week.
How I met my boyfriend is through a video game. A friend of mine from high school got me playing this. She was dating a guy online who she met through the game and introduced us. My relationship with this friend had been strained for many years because of her flakiness, and about a year later I decided to cut ties with her because of all her lying. Her boyfriend broke up with her a few months later, but by then I was friends with him having known him for a year. We later started dating.
As it turns out, he lied first to my former friend and then to me about his age. I should have caught on earlier, but I suppose I was being willfully blind. Lately my instincts were telling me he was hiding something (because he keeps putting off our first visit, first for legitimate reason, now it seems like stalling...), so I admit, I did a little periodic digging. As it turns out, he's THIRTY-SIX, not TWENTY-SIX as he told me.
Burn. I've never been a good judge of age.
I'm going to talk to him about it on Friday (I found out Monday night) because I expect to need the weekend before I can pull myself together enough to go to work.
I love him, but I don't see how I could ever ever trust him after that. I would always think somewhere in my mind that he's hiding something. It's also a fairly significant age gap. That, and he's pretty much lead me on for this whole time, as he must have realized that when I found out it would not go well.

Is it wrong to act normally for the week and have a few more good times before I drop the bomb? Because that's what I've been doing! I will miss him a lot so I guess I'm just storing up a few more good memories.

[HMA]

PS
I'm an idiot.

[Casper]

Wow, sorry to hear that ;| How big is the age difference exactly?

[HMA]

Thirteen years as opposed to the supposed three. He's otherwise a really great guy, so the lie is unfortunate.

[paulawriteslove]

The lie is definitely unfortunate. But he put himself in this position. He started out your relationship with the lie and never told you the truth. I'm very sorry to hear this news. *hugs*

[alise120]

I'm sorry that he kept the truth from you. Now he has to work hard for your trust again. Serves him right. ()

[HMA]

He definitely did put himself in this position. And he never even fessed up, I found out. I'd love to hear what the plan was... There probably was no plan. It's a pretty gross feeling of betrayal. Especially since he was privy to the break down of the friendship with my friend, which was caused by HER constant lies and unreliability. Probably why he never told me. He knows how I feel about that kind of crap.

[LadyMarchHare]

While I seriously don't condone lying in a relationship, if the age was the only lie I'm not seeing how it's grounds for insta-byebye. Maybe it's just me since I'm already used to a near 7 year age gap with my guy. Is he living a life that a 36 year old shouldn't, i.e. still at home and all that jazz? Because if it's the age plus the fact he's going nowhere I can see why you'd leave. I think right now you could use a cold drink of water or something and time to think more than let the heat of just finding out get to you. When you calm down I'd confront him as well, unless you're underage there has to be some reason why he lied beyond vanity.

[HMA]

Unfortunately it's not his first large lie, which is why I'm feeling particularly stupid. He initially sent me pictures of himself that were out of date and before he gained a considerable amount of weight. It was some time before I stumbled across a photo of him in his local newspaper when he graduated from a program. I went looking for that not because I suspected anything but because I figured there might be something in the paper (small town, brand new government funded program) and thought it would be nice. So it was a bit of a shock. But, I could kind of see where he was coming from, self conscious and all that, so I forgave him and we moved on. At the time I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he said no, so it's not like he hasn't had opportunity.

I found out Monday evening, so I've had some time and it's not really the shock talking. That's the reason I haven't asked him about it yet - I wanted to let it settle first. When the picture thing first happened I went to him right away and was just in such shock that I didn't have any idea what I wanted.

As for his life, it's certainly more suited to someone in his 20s... He is living in his grandma's basement, although he does now have a decent job. Previously he was working on a farm, but he did that CNA and medaid course and is now working at a nursing home.

Editing this because I wanted to add that I will be confronting him, likely on Friday.

But no, I'm not underage. It appears what happened is that he originally lied to my one time friend and then since I knew him during that period (and she told me all about him too of course, both good and bad) there was no way to change his tune without admitting he lied. I don't know what the original motivation was. I do know that he was recently out of a long term relationship with a woman that he walked in on having sex with another man. Very traumatic, no doubt, but no excuse for going on the internet and misrepresenting yourself to a 19 year old girl (my friend was that age at the time she met him). Gross.

[folclor]

First off, I totally sympathize. I had a boyfriend do that to me before (he told me he was 18 and he was actually 22, less of a gap, but still significant in the honesty department). He's going to say he didn't tell you because he was scared you wouldn't like him. My suggestion is find out what all is the truth, what is a lie, and end it. 4 years is reconcilable, 10 is not. As for what you should do the rest of the week, my advice would be to give him a heads up that you have osmething important to tell him about.

[MTK]

I don't know how wise it would be to have that last week where you act normally and try and get a few good memories because wouldn't those memories be tainted with the knowledge of what he has done?
I agree with folclor that you should figure what is the truth and what is lies so you can see the extend of it and then take it from there. Indeed it is quite the age gap there is now between you two.

[Silviar]

Unfortunately it's not his first large lie, which is why I'm feeling particularly stupid. He initially sent me pictures of himself that were out of date and before he gained a considerable amount of weight. It was some time before I stumbled across a photo of him in his local newspaper when he graduated from a program. I went looking for that not because I suspected anything but because I figured there might be something in the paper (small town, brand new government funded program) and thought it would be nice. So it was a bit of a shock. But, I could kind of see where he was coming from, self conscious and all that, so I forgave him and we moved on. At the time I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he said no, so it's not like he hasn't had opportunity.

I found out Monday evening, so I've had some time and it's not really the shock talking. That's the reason I haven't asked him about it yet - I wanted to let it settle first. When the picture thing first happened I went to him right away and was just in such shock that I didn't have any idea what I wanted.

As for his life, it's certainly more suited to someone in his 20s... He is living in his grandma's basement, although he does now have a decent job. Previously he was working on a farm, but he did that CNA and medaid course and is now working at a nursing home.

Editing this because I wanted to add that I will be confronting him, likely on Friday.

But no, I'm not underage. It appears what happened is that he originally lied to my one time friend and then since I knew him during that period (and she told me all about him too of course, both good and bad) there was no way to change his tune without admitting he lied. I don't know what the original motivation was. I do know that he was recently out of a long term relationship with a woman that he walked in on having sex with another man. Very traumatic, no doubt, but no excuse for going on the internet and misrepresenting yourself to a 19 year old girl (my friend was that age at the time she met him). Gross.

So, with your original post, I was going to say the lie is definitely uncool, but maybe you could talk it through. Having read this post, I've changed my mind. I think the confrontation is good, and if you choose to stay with him, I hope you'll be careful. The signs of the lying combined with the living situation/lifestyle raises a couple of red flags. My concern is actually that he might be very co-dependent/immature: as in, he wants a provider, not a partner in a relationship. All of the things mentioned are red flags that point to that sort of personality.

Just take care of yourself, and kudos to you about being cautious.

[HMA]

So, with your original post, I was going to say the lie is definitely uncool, but maybe you could talk it through. Having read this post, I've changed my mind. I think the confrontation is good, and if you choose to stay with him, I hope you'll be careful. The signs of the lying combined with the living situation/lifestyle raises a couple of red flags. My concern is actually that he might be very co-dependent/immature: as in, he wants a provider, not a partner in a relationship. All of the things mentioned are red flags that point to that sort of personality.

Just take care of yourself, and kudos to you about being cautious.

Yeaah, I don't know if his deal is co-dependence or what, but there is definitely a pattern of dishonesty there that makes me uncomfortable. I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that he kept this up for so long knowing that there was no possible way that it would lead to us being together without it coming out. Just strung me along like that.

He has lived on his own in the past. He was dating the same woman for five years and they moved to a city and lived together. After she cheated on him he ended up moving home. But that's rather besides the point. The misrepresenting himself is a HUGE red flag, you're right. If he can lie about that for so long, what else can he hide behind a straight face and loving words?

Thank you. I'm certainly glad I followed my instincts. Glad I know now, sad that it's reality.

[Silviar]

Yeaah, I don't know if his deal is co-dependence or what, but there is definitely a pattern of dishonesty there that makes me uncomfortable. I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that he kept this up for so long knowing that there was no possible way that it would lead to us being together without it coming out. Just strung me along like that.

He has lived on his own in the past. He was dating the same woman for five years and they moved to a city and lived together. After she cheated on him he ended up moving home. But that's rather besides the point. The misrepresenting himself is a HUGE red flag, you're right. If he can lie about that for so long, what else can he hide behind a straight face and loving words?

Thank you. I'm certainly glad I followed my instincts. Glad I know now, sad that it's reality.

And if I may add to that - he says she cheated on him and that's why he moved home? Why? Why not move with someone else? I'm not saying he's lying about the cheating, but it makes you wonder what else he could be lying about. And how long has he been there/has there been any talk of moving out on his own? Trust is a fragile thing, and I don't blame you for being uncomfortable. I would be.

I'm truly sorry. No one deserves this.

[HMA]

Well, he moved there to be with her, as I believe she was going to school there. So he didn't really have friends and family there otherwise. That's how the story goes, anyhow. You're right though, it's not like I know for sure. I certainly don't have any evidence to back up that story.
Well, when I first met him, before we were ever involved, he was living alone, but in his dad's house. He was paying the bills and taking care of the place while his dad was gone. It was when his dad came back that he went to his grandmother's. He does pay rent and his always doing her errands, but still. The talk was always of him coming here. That he was there to save money before hand so that he would have a savings when he eventually came so that he could contribute while looking for a job. (We were going to do visits first, but hadn't gotten there yet)
Honestly, I will miss his friendship most of all. The fact that he won't be in my life in any capacity is pretty depressing.