How do you cope with the "uncertainty" of the future?

[lejon]

Hi guys,

the biggest problem for us in our LDR is that the future is full of question marks. It is really frustrating not to know when we will actually live together, and how long we have to stay in this long-distance relationship.

I'm in the point of graduating soon from the university, so the question for me is where I can get a job, most likely from my home country. My SO is going to apply for school here, but there is always a possibility that he won't get into the degree he wants and has to stay in his country. I don't think I could cope with extra two years of separation. I guess then I should try to get a job there, which wouldn't be easy either...

So I would really need some advice on how have you guys been able to cope with the "uncertainty" of the future? The uncertainty of moving in together, when and where, how etc. I would really appreciate it!!

[Fretboard_Magic]

Hey, my girl's from Finland, too! :-)

Anyway, we try not to expect too much too soon. We've just been taking one step at a time because we are aware of the uncertainty aspect of the future. I guess our way of dealing with it is to be chill about it. We have our own reasons to take things slowly, so our future talks are usually pretty casual and sweet without getting into too much specifics and the more serious side of things.

So, I suppose the best advice I could give you is to stay flexible in terms of how you perceive the whole thing? I hope all works out well in one way or another. :-)

[temporaryuser]

life is full of uncertainty. As soon as youmake concrete plans, something is going to happen to screw them up.
My SO was supposed to graduate from his masters program in Dec. then move here. The program took on a new director that changed up the program and now he wont finish till July. Now things are going on with his ex and he has temp custody of his 10 year old. Waiting to see how this plays out as i am sure there will be a court battle and he cant take time out of school for that, which would delay it till after he finishes school. That also means if he gets custody, she would be coming with him. (and no I dont fault him for moving away from her as his line of work, he works 3 days/week. he would travel back home and still get the same amount of visitation)
Life is full of curve balls. You either learn how to roll with them, or you give up on what you want and settle for something else

[roosie]

Hey, my girl's from Finland, too! :-)

Anyway, we try not to expect too much too soon. We've just been taking one step at a time because we are aware of the uncertainty aspect of the future. I guess our way of dealing with it is to be chill about it. We have our own reasons to take things slowly, so our future talks are usually pretty casual and sweet without getting into too much specifics and the more serious side of things.

So, I suppose the best advice I could give you is to stay flexible in terms of how you perceive the whole thing? I hope all works out well in one way or another. :-)

I agree, being flexible and open to changes is really important. I think it's good to have some ideas of when and how to close the distance, but also accept that plans might (and probably will) change. We've had some plans on how to close the distance in the last 3.5 years we've been together but none of them have worked in the end due to different reasons. Coping with uncertainty has probably been the biggest challenge for me in our relationship because I'm not very flexible to begin with. My SO on the other hand has always been very relaxed about it; he teaches me to take things slowly and enjoy what we've got now rather than worrying about future so much. I used to have a hard time dealing with disappointments because I had put my hopes up so high but I've learned to accept the feeling, while also trying to look for another solution. If I could go back in time and talk to myself three years ago, I would probably remind myself that now matter how well you try to direct your life, it might have other plans in pocket for you.. and that is not so dangerous. Whenever I struggle with it, I try to remember that it will happen sooner or later. I'm in a similar situation as your SO, as I'm applying for Master's degree in my SO's country next year but I know that the competition is hard so it's all still very unsure.

There will always be a certain aspect of uncertainty in our relationship because of my SO's work. He is a commercial pilot so he will always be gone for majority of time, even when we close the distance. His trips usually take three to four days with a few days in between. He gets his next month's roster two weeks before, which makes planning really difficult. I feel like living with the uncertainty that LDR's bring has helped me to adapt to our life together as well. In both LDR and when living the pilot lifestyle I find it really important to be content where you are and who you are at the moment, because then in times of uncertainty you also have your own life and your own support network to help you cope with it. So what I'm probably trying to say with all this rambling is that despite the situation being far from ideal at the moment, make sure that you also appreciate where you are now and enjoy what you have, while also planning for the future together.

[princessmaria]

When things go sour, I don't let it serve as an example of the future. In other words, I try not to let bumps in the road discourage me. The only thing my SO and I are uncertain about is how we're going to make this all work in the end, not about how much we care/love each other. As long as the care and love is there, then there is a way (if there's a will, then there's a way). If there was a motto for our relationship, it's that we don't give up. There is literally no such thing as giving up. Right now, we're hoping to CD in Summer 2014. It all depends on my acceptance into school out there which is uncertain at this point. I am just trying to keep an open mind, and remember how far we've come in the past two years. There used to be absolutely no end in sight, so we've come a long way! We're hoping everything works out for the best, but in the event that it does not, then there's always Fall 2014 and I can apply again. Either way, the goal is to CD by or before our 3 year anniversary. Unless circumstances push us to the extreme of letting that plan go, then we're not going to stop trying to make it happen.

[lejon]

Thank you everyone for your replies.. you really made me feel better!!

I know that life is full of surprises and the future is always uncertain, BUT I think that we (who are in LDRs) are in a more difficult situation when it comes to being together with our loved ones (naturally)... It seems that there are so many forces that are making it more difficult for us and stopping us from being together!

I guess this situation is especially tough for me because I'm used to being very organized and I've pretty much known what will happen in the future when it comes to where I live, where I study, where I work etc. But now, I'm surrounded by only question marks and no answers! Sometimes it is just impossible for me not to get overwhelmed by all of this, hopefully it will get a little easier in the future, as I am still pretty new to being in a long-distance relationship.

I should just be more like what you guys said: be more relaxed about it (stressing out does not help) and take one step at a time. I know that we will close the distance at one point, which is a positive thing!!

[mellif]

I try to think about the long run; the amount of time it will take to close the distance now (which would prob be 3-4 years for me and my SO) will be very little compared to the many years my SO and I will spend together. Of course, there's no way to know for certain how long we'll be together, but my SO and I have made it pretty clear to each other that we want to spend a long time together, and that result is all either of us can hope for.

[Hollandia]

I have a big problem with this too. I have so many factors that will determine when we can close the distance.When I talk to my SO about this he tells me that he is not worried about our future because he knows in his heart we will be together and the rest is just stuff that will need to be dealt with until that point. He also says that it is not good to dwell on the obstacles because unless you can do anything about them, all it will do is upset you for no reason.

It helps when he says this, but tbh, I still dwell on them from time to time. Some people are just built to worry and stress more, I am and my SO is not.

[roosie]

I have a big problem with this too. I have so many factors that will determine when we can close the distance.When I talk to my SO about this he tells me that he is not worried about our future because he knows in his heart we will be together and the rest is just stuff that will need to be dealt with until that point. He also says that it is not good to dwell on the obstacles because unless you can do anything about them, all it will do is upset you for no reason.

It helps when he says this, but tbh, I still dwell on them from time to time. Some people are just built to worry and stress more, I am and my SO is not.

Your SO sounds exactly like mine (we call his practical attitude his engineering side). I used to find his attitude annoying sometimes, because it felt like he was underrating my feelings and worries. It's true, though, that dwelling on the negative and obstacles is not going to change anything but sometimes it's just good to vent.

[Moon]

Due to a million reasons, my guy and I aren't going to be able to close the distance in the foreseeable future. While that is a huge uncertainty, but not one we can do anything about now, we focus on the relationship we have, not the one we can't have right now. While not ideal, I'd rather have him 4200+ miles away, than not at all, so we just appreciate each other, and not dwell on the negatives and uncertainties.

Meanwhile, you can do some things to prepare. Learn each others languages as fluently as possible, it will make it infinitely easier to find a job in either country. When you visit each other, do it like you live there, not like a tourist, look at all factors of each place and decide which one has the most advantages for you both. Do some things on your own, shop, travel around, keep up with the news, anything you can think of to make deciding where to live easier. Just because the future is uncertain doesn't mean you can't prepare for the possibilities! It'll make you feel like you're doing something, at least. Good luck.

[lejon]

I just love this community - so many smart and helpful people! thank you.

Moon, I know it is not helpful at all to dwell on the negatives and uncertainties. I remind myself of that same thing once in a while: I rather have him far away, than not at all <3

mellif, yes looking at the big picture helps a lot. I would also rather "suffer" this long-distance relationship if in the end I am able to spend the rest of my life with my SO. Of course this relationship gives me a lot the way as it is, but naturally I miss him physically being here.

My SO worries about this once in a while too, which doesn't really help. There is no fear of losing each other, we are very certain we are meant to be together, it's just frustration of the "uncertainty" of the future and how things will plan out. But we will get our answers later. Now it's just focusing on the moment

[loveknowsnodistance27]

My biggest piece of advice, which I am still learning for myself would definitely be, take it one day at a time. You'll drive yourself crazy if you think too much and think far too ahead. I've been there, and I still do that from time to time and I do find myself going mad. We've been doing the distance on and off for more than 3 years now and still have between a year and 2 years left of it. We're really not sure what will happen when he graduates from college. He might get a job out of state. Where will I be employed? It's so rough when you think about all the possibilities. For the most part, it's out of your control, so there's no sense worrying too much. Over time, things gradually fall into place. Flexibility is key. My SO got suspended from school for grades in the spring of 2012. We didn't think he was going to be able to go back. That meant we would be close distance permanently. Late in August of 2012, he was accepted back into the school and was told he had to be back up there in 5 days, so he was spontaneously ripped away from me before I could blink. It was rough, but it just goes to show you how life is full of twists and turns. Hang in there. It IS possible! You can do it!

[squeeker]

I totally understand the uncertainty thing too. I know through the time my SO and I have been together, we have gone through many times when we have thought we had a plan to close the distance, and then it gets swept up from underneath us. Right now, we are also going through a period of uncertainty. We have both started university again because we figured we had to do something in order to have a better chance of saving enough money to eventually close the distance, but are looking at a good few more years of long distance yet, probably 4 - 6 years at least. It's a long story.. but like the others said, it has taught me to be flexible in what comes along, and try and remember that some day you will be together forever with your SO, and also the fact that even in an LDR you are still able to talk to each other and stuff so it's not as bad as it could be. Taking it one day as it comes is also a good plan like someone else said. And remembering that you would rather be with them in a long distance relationship than not with them at all.

Good luck to you!!

[differentcountries]

I guess one will have to make the most out of the relationship one has (both contacts and visits) and not think about the future unless there is realistically possible to plan the future. I will for reasons I explained in another thread not be able to marry my SO, so if we were ever to live in the same country we would have to be able to because of work/studies. He has a work schedual that makes him unable to travel most of the year, he also is not finished with his part-time studies. I have not the most flexible job at the moment, meaning apart from holidays I can only vist for a weekend. I try not to dwell on the things that could be troublesome, because that only gets me worked up and emotional. Whenever I can improve something technically in our communication (we are getting him a new smartphone next week) I look more optimistically at things, planning travels also help. I guess that after some years certain questions become more pressing. Right now I allow myself to take in the "new love" feeling of it, and especially urging myself to be thankful for meeting this very special person, who is such an inspiration even when he is not actually around

[Dziubka]

I don't know if this is what you want to hear, but closing the distance doesn't "just happen" to anyone. There'll always be some degree of uncertainty, but there are also always a lot of things that you can influence.
Closing the distance always requires some kind of sacrifices, a lot of work and (unfortunately) most of the time a lot of money.
You have to decide what realistic options you have and what sacrifices you're willing to accept. Actually graduating university is a pretty convenient time to move and settle somewhere new.
I'm not a fan of the one day at a time approach, not when you can actually influence your situation anyway.
I would consider the possibilities:
How hard is it to get into the programme that your SO wants to do? What are the chances that he'll be accepted?
If he doesn't get accepted, what job options are there for you where he lives? Would you be ok with moving to where he is, even if that means accepting a lower paid/qualified job?