About to give up on a 3.5 year relationship

[NYPeach]

Hey all,

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 and 1/2 years. We met in undergrad in NY. I was a senior from NY, he was a junior from NJ. I'm 3 years older than he is. After I graduated, I moved 800 miles away for grad school, and we just decided that we were going to do the long distance thing. It wasn't even a question. We love each other so much that we could make it 2 years in an LDR.

So we did it. It was rough. But I visited often. He came to see me twice. We fought maybe three times during the entire 2 years. My second year away, he moved back home after graduating. The second year was harder because whenever I was home to visit, he either had to drive 3 hours to see me, or I had to take the train to him. Regardless, we made it through.

I moved back home in May 2012 after graduating, and was excited, because he told me he would be moving to NY in September. Then September turned into October. Then it turned into January of 2013. Which turned into May, then June, then September, then October. As of right now, he plans on moving here in the new year. He PROMISED me this. I suggested me moving closer to him, but he really wants to be here because all of his friends are here, and so are jobs.

I'm really concerned. I love him to death, but he says he's going to do a lot of things, and then never does any of them. We can't move in together because we're not married and our families wouldn't approve. He won't propose until he's got a definitive career. Which won't happen until he moves. Whenever I try to talk to him about the future, he gets defensive and says things like "why can't you just live in the present? Why do you always have to think so much about the future?" I try to help him as much as possible without seeming pushy, but I'm reaching my breaking point. He says he's coming over for Thanksgiving. I'm excited, but at the same time, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I will be crushed if he doesn't come.

I can't just sit here and wait for him. I want to start our life together, even if all it means is dating him in the same region. To be able to see him whenever I want, not just on every other weekend. I don't want to give him an ultimatum...I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. So I've given myself an ultimatum. If he doesn't move here in January, or doesn't propose, I have to end it. Has anyone here ever given themselves an ultimatum and went through with it?

[SJ22]

I think you are doing the right thing with the ultimatum.
You are right, you cant wait around for someone forever (definitely if he's being like this)
I hope it works out for you guys.

As for myself, I have set an ultimatum in my head. He he'd move beginning 2014 and if nothing happens till mid 2014 Ill tell him I do not wish to do this LD any longer because it is making me unhappy. And as you said: I want to start a life with him and I am not waiting forever for that to happen.

[differentcountries]

The only thing "not having a definitive career" is an excuse for, is doing things expensive, like buying a house of getting a baby or two. You are adults and came make good, sound decitions about your future regardless of what his parents might say. The way things are now, he is making you wait for him even though you are not living together and not engaged, which is basically making you behave like a wife without the security.

[Rachelm920]

I also agree with your choice. You can't make yourself miserable waiting forever even though it will hurt it may be better in the long run. It seems like he can't make up his mind about what he wants. I went through this for a bit with my SO and I haven't even been with him 4 months yet, so I just gave him time. However I would most likely do the same thing if I were in your situation. Honestly I have given myself an ultimatum that my SO doesn't know about. I'm not moving without a commitment from him, and I don't mean a verbal one either. I mean a ring on my finger. Honestly I don't think that's too much to ask for considering I'd be leaving friends and family to be with him.

[Tommy C]

I think you really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and why its bothering you and try to work it out with him. You need to make it known that you love him but you can't handle waiting any longer and that you need the relationship to step up to where you see him more than every other weekend.

You mentioned that he wants to wait until he has a definitive career, its really much easier for him to find a job by you if he lives by you. He can send out resumes, knock on doors and go to interviews much easier if he moves to where he ultimately wants to work. Whether it be move in with roommates or friends near you or screw the families problem with the old world view of not moving in together until your married and just move in together. Tell them your roommates and get separate bedrooms to make them feel more comfortable. Sure they will probably be upset but really it's your lives and what can they do. Frankly its better to find out what a person is really like by living with them for a bit than to find out you can't live with them after getting married.

I guess I am not big on ultimatums, because love isn't on a timeline and if it is then your really not in love. Love is forever and timeless but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell him what you want and what would make you happy. If he loves you he will do anything to make you happy and screw all the other nonsense that's stopping him.

[squeeker]

I think you should do what makes you feel happy.

However I would maybe suggest you think about it more and talk to him and examine your feelings for him. If you really love him and want to be with him, you should wait. And think of it like this... you already are starting your lives together. It might be different from others, but talking online or on the phone, visiting when you can, that's still a relationship, and you can make it through it. I say this because it's part of what I tell myself to get through it. Because I do not want to give up on my SO. Even though our plans have shifted and as it stands now, we still have a good few years if not more before we can close the distance, and it's not at all like our original plan. We both had to go back to university and mine will take longer because of how degrees work here and I had to start a year later.. though plans might change yet still. I've learned to have to go through the flow. I know prior to going to university we were both really seeing a really hopeless situation and things and were kind of like saying if things didn't change within a year we might have to consider not trying any more and it's come up before but I could never do it.. I already committed myself to him, now it's just a matter of when we can close the distance... the main only parts of our relationship that is on hold though is the living together permanently without having to always leave and starting a family part which are important parts, but it doesn't mean that we are waiting to start our lives together, because they are already started.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense. I think you have to have a talk with him about it, about you possibly moving there temporarily until he can move to you or in January if he doesn't move to you instead or something. Or consider how much you really love him? I just don't think ultimatums are good because that's basically saying you don't want to be with him any more if he doesn't move, which may be true.. but if you do want to be with him longer than the better thing is to keep talking to him and trying to show him how you are disappointed.. or maybe ask him why the previous 'promises' went through, what was wrong, because there has to be a reason why he couldn't move at those times he thought he would be able to.. and if he can communicate then at least you are on the same wavelength.

I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever decision you make. Ultimately it's up to you.

[Yaaamiii]

I personally think it's a good thing that you don't want to give him an ultimatum because it probably would pressure him into doing something, and he may resent you for it in the future. I understand that frustration as I'm sure most of us here do....maybe try giving him some warning signs? If he thought everything was ok one day, and then suddenly the next you break up with him, he might question what went wrong. ;(

[TriniCherryPrincess]

I don't want to give him an ultimatum...I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. So I've given myself an ultimatum. If he doesn't move here in January, or doesn't propose, I have to end it. Has anyone here ever given themselves an ultimatum and went through with it?

Hi, I recently gave myself an ultimatum too. My advice is to maybe be a little more lenient with your ultimatum. Instead of saying that by January 2014 (only 2 months away) that if he doesn't move or propose you will end it maybe say that if by January 2014 he hasn't made any signs of making it happen (definite signs) that you will tell him that you don't think that he is on the same page as you are and that this is unacceptable for you. At that point, make it clear to him that you will leave him and give him the chance to redeem himself/fix things.
I think this is good because (A) you made it clear to yourself what you will and will not tolerate first, (B) you give him more chances because you do love him and you do want it to work, (C) he will have no choice but to see how important it is and how serious you are about it, (D) if things don't work out you won't wonder if you should've given him more time.

I hope that things work out and in all actuality I hope that you two can have a serious conversation about it all before it comes to giving anyone an ultimatum.

[differentcountries]

I personally think it's a good thing that you don't want to give him an ultimatum because it probably would pressure him into doing something, and he may resent you for it in the future. I understand that frustration as I'm sure most of us here do....maybe try giving him some warning signs? If he thought everything was ok one day, and then suddenly the next you break up with him, he might question what went wrong. ;(

OR he might realize that this woman is talking the talk and walking the walk? Regardless of weather or not they are moving in or getting married, you don't want to set up a pattern where he can take her for granted until they die. If he is really worried about his parents he can still rent a place near where she lives. There are a lot of practical issues that can be resolved if he cares about her feelings. I do belive in ulitimatums once in a while, and by that I mean those ones said out loud. I strongly belive I got divorced for NOT giving an ultimatum when I should have. Ultimatums are not about preassuring people, but adding weight to the feeling one has. If the relationship is not working for the time being, it is reasonable that the other person should understand that and contribute, and realize that it otherwise might have to end. Needless to say, ultimatums are about clear options, a bit the way one would talk to a child and not give them too much to ponder about, just the option of blue or red swether. And sometimes it is really working because that other person is really inside their own mind and cannot really understand more than two options, it can actually be better for them then the blurry world they keep inside.

Yes, of course once in a while a guy will rant that "she made me marry her" etc, but those are the guys who are restless regardless of what choice they make, and even many of those guys are quite happy since their girlfriend/wife is not so bad. I say a little preassure goes a long way. If you love the person and feel loved, that is.

[Yaaamiii]

differentcountries-

I can definitely see your point of view. I guess it really just depends on those two. I know for me, if my SO gave me an ultimatum, it would only make me feel pressured and not much else. Again, just depends on the person :P. But I agree with you, sometimes a little pressure goes a long way. For me, it wouldn't get anywhere. I don't typically do well under pressure. I'm getting better at it though lol.

[differentcountries]

I see your point too, because ultimatums should not be taken lightly. Often everyday wishes or requests can come out as ultimatums, even if we don not mean it, and that is not helpful at all because it makes people hostile or feel attacked. Ultimatums should be explained, a lot, in detail. The point is really to bring across WHY this is really, really, really important to you and might possably be a dealbreaker. It is ok to want things and to say so. Sometimes it even goes like this; sorry my dear, but to my mind we really have to move/not move/get married/have a child/not have a child/get more money/work less/stop smoking/start partying/loose weight/spend less time at the gym if our relationship stands a future. The whole point is to make the other person realize why on earth it should matter as much (even if he/she does not agree). Then there might even be some chance of a compromize. It is impossible to have a good, working compromize if you have no idea why the other person wants want she/he wants. And there could be many ways to forfill the need, but the solution (long or short term) should feel right to both.