long distance and being ignored

[zendaya]

hello, i am glad i found this site and i hope this will help me thru the pain im going thru right now. i think i am in a weird relationship right now and its long distance which makes it more hard. my boyfriend proposed to me in April 2012 and he had to go back to his home country. we had a baby and unfortunately the baby has to stay with him and i had to go back to my home country. initially we were so much in love, we talked everyday and he even answered every call i made, even at work. we even skyped everyday, even when he was tired from work. but then two months after we were apart, he changed. he said he loved me and is tired of always proving that to me, he said im always full of drama and that for him nothing has changed. he still wants the same things he said, and still wants to marry me when i get back there. but now, he said, if there is nothing important to talk about he doesnt want to talk to me, coz he said im always nagging him and complaining. i am just afraid for us to grow apart. i dont know what to do. please help

[differentcountries]

I totally understand you missing both him and the baby! Do you Skype with the baby? What is your life like where you live ; any interesting things to tell him? Can you flirt online? Tell him you miss him by remembering together with him? Do you have plans for visits?

[piratemama]

Maybe the way you talk seems disrespectful to him, maybe it's nagging to him, even if you don't mean it that way. Men need respect like we need love. Have you talked with him and asked what the relationship should be like for him to be happy? Tell him you love him, miss him, and want to make him happy.

It's also better to change things up on Skype. Sometimes try watching movies with him, playing online games, or maybe even some intimate play. Routine is a killer.

Spend time getting him to talk. Find a list of questions for date nights or couples and ask a few. Listen rather than talk as much.

The best way to start is to calmly express your fears and hopes.

[lyonsgirl]

Just for future reference, this kind of post really belongs over in a different sub-forum (for example, here <--clicky), not under "Forum Info".

PS Welcome to LFAD!

[jana89]

Welcome to forums I can´t imagine how it feels to be far away from your child, I´m very sorry you are going through that. As for the other thing, try to talk to him calmly and find out what exactly is making him angry about you, what he means by nagging him, so you can avoid that next time. As others say, try different stuff than just talking. Good luck

[zendaya]

Maybe the way you talk seems disrespectful to him, maybe it's nagging to him, even if you don't mean it that way. Men need respect like we need love. Have you talked with him and asked what the relationship should be like for him to be happy? Tell him you love him, miss him, and want to make him happy.

It's also better to change things up on Skype. Sometimes try watching movies with him, playing online games, or maybe even some intimate play. Routine is a killer.

Spend time getting him to talk. Find a list of questions for date nights or couples and ask a few. Listen rather than talk as much.

The best way to start is to calmly express your fears and hopes.

hello, thanks for your replies...yes i do get to see the baby on Skype. At first it was everyday as arranged, then it became every otherday and then now its just once a week. i felt so hurt. and everytime i call, he said he knows everything thats happening in my life and that my life is boring and so is his, so there's nothing really to talk about. i also try to message him intimate things or try to tell him how it was with us before, how we fell in love, and he has no reaction at all, he says that he has nothing to say, and that even made my hurt feelings worse. he only replies to important question about the baby. he doesnt talk much about himself anymore and what he does for work now. im too afraid to ask, cot it might start a fight again. im just giving him space til we could talk like normal couples again. this is a first for both of us, to be in a long distance relationship. its been 2 months since we really talked about our feelings. he said its no longer important and what's important is what the baby needs. but i told him it is also important to take care of our relationship, and he said, do whatever i want to make myself happy.
i also tried suggesting to watch a movie together online just yesterday, but he has yet to reply. he usually does not reply, when he thinks its not important

[TwoThree]

That doesn't sound good at all to me :/ You seem to put a lot of effort into this and he just brushes you off. Also it's alarming that you don't get to see your baby as often as you'd like.

The important question here is: Have you taken measures to be able to move to the US? Being the mother of (what I assume is) an underage US citizen should give you that possibility, right? That should be your # 1 priority right now. That, or at least legally sorting out custody so that if worse comes to worst, at least you'd have your child with you.

[differentcountries]

He works and takes care of a baby alone, without the one he has shared a life with. That does sound boring. It is his challenge, though, to make his life interesting.

Take him literarily. Do whatever you can to make yourself happy. That will be good for you, regardless of the relationship.

As for the baby, does the child seem happy and well cared for?

[zendaya]

he said he still wants the same things, wants to marry me and be a family once my divorce is final. then we can go from there. he says he loves me and hates that we're apart. he is just frustrated with everything thats happening. i dont even think he is aware of my rights as the primary custodian of the baby. but the baby is well taken care of, i am just afraid that he might not give the baby to me, if worse comes to worse. that is why i dont try to agrgavate him. he said that there is no point in being romantic since we already have a baby and he doesnt want to have any more .
all i wanted was since we cant be together now, is just to keep the fire alive, so we wont grow apart. he refuses to discuss things like feelings and growing apart, because he said that'll never happen. he is somehow emotionally and intimately detached from me and i want to tell him that, but he said, he is not in the mood to discuss such things for now. he said he is not in a position to have drama in his life for now, he feels like he's always coming up short when it comes to my expectations and it makes him feel bad. and when i ask im if what does he call out relationship, he just tells me to call it what i want. i dont even know what the rules are of our relationship.

[differentcountries]

Is he afraid that you'd get pregnant again? Is he perhaps tired from taking care of the baby? Does he have a sitter or a social life by people coming over?

Try to find ways of talking that sounds loving. That will get any message across better. Try different things to connect with him.

[zendaya]

he probably is tired of taking care of the baby and just to proud to say it. he doesnt have a social life, his family comes to visit them, but he is the type that doesnt need close friends. he doesnt have a sitter. his mom or aunt takes care of the baby while he's at work, he said he comes home after work as soon as possible. his mom said that she has not known any man that has that patience. she said, he loves the baby so much. his mom told me that he loves me very much and to trust it. she said she has never seen him love anybody that much. she said that i should just give him time. what i want to understand too is why does he brush me off whenever i talk about us. i just wish i know what to say so we could talk. im planning to come and visit them this may or august.

[differentcountries]

I can see why he is hardening when you are so far away. Would it help to bond over the baby? Do you have any interest in common? Can you set a date for your visit?

[zendaya]

yes it helps to bond over the baby. we use to have fun together when it was just us, despite being physically apart. and what does that mean "hardening?" is he trying to push me away? i dont want to think that he does not want to pursue a future relationship with me anymore. i dont even want to think that he's hooking up with anyone, but i cant help it, we have never talked about anything romantic or intimate anymore, and that worries me. i feel like he is not at all worried of losing me and that hurts

[piratemama]

yes it helps to bond over the baby. we use to have fun together when it was just us, despite being physically apart. and what does that mean "hardening?" is he trying to push me away? i dont want to think that he does not want to pursue a future relationship with me anymore. i dont even want to think that he's hooking up with anyone, but i cant help it, we have never talked about anything romantic or intimate anymore, and that worries me. i feel like he is not at all worried of losing me and that hurts

I'm so sorry for your hurt. I'm also sorry that it seems none of our advice can help you any. For now, don't panic and listen to his mom. She might not know everything he does, but she would have a good idea if he's out a lot. A visit would be good for you, so I hope you can pull that off.

[itsjen516]

That's really sad and fustrsting.! I don't get how he wants to go on and continue when he is putting in no effort. And I get he dosnt want another kid but that dosnt mean you still can't be physical, you need to find the time to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Who cares if he gets mad this isn't one sided and you deserved to feel happy to. I wish you the best