How do you know when it's love and time to start?

[innocentbutterfly]

Well you know ever since my previous LDR all 100% honesty backfired me, I feel like I have to hold back now. Like People say if someone loves you they will accept your past and not punish you for it, but that wasnt the case with my ex, so I'm a bit afraid.

And I dont know, but the way I see it this guy is starting to fall hard, I saw it tonight, we talked like 4 hours and he still tried to stay awake and said we can talk tomorrow as if he'd feel guilty that we didn't talk much which in reality we did, but he totally lost track of time however, I dont know what to do from this step forward, I dont want to rush it and I don't want to hurt him either, because god knows I'm still relapsing from my ex I got days when I'm great and then there's downs again and I don't want to bring them here and start with him halfway, because I know I told him at the beginning I don't want to use him as rebound and I know even he doesn't want it, but the way I saw how he mentions things we should do together "when we meet" makes me feel he's somewhere in the middle to start getting the strong feelings, not to mention he blows kisses more often. He even takes more time during day to write during work/breaks and I feel so bad sometimes because I don't know what to talk, because my mind isnt 100% in it... How to tell him to slow down, to kind of not let himself "fall into it" just yet, like just prolong the friendship stage?

This past week it's going like lighting speed, I see changes from his side and I see it it's going too fast and we knew each other only like a month and a half. He's a very rational and smart guy, but I dont know any of his past relationships background, I didn't dare to ask yet and I don't want it all to burn down before I get a chance to know more. I know with that speed in my previous relationship as soon as I agreed to LDR my ex started "sugar coating" everything. You know we change stories a bit to make them a bit nicer when you know there's a loving person now where your reputation and view is important. And we had this talk that we can't do LDR before knowing more about each other to exactly prevent sugar coating, but I feel like I'm losing here and he's going fast, 2 steps forward feelings wise.

I thought maybe I should lower contact a bit, I know when he finally realizes he feels something more there's no way back and anything I'll do from that point on will affect him emotionally

sometimes when I got those relapsing moments I overthink all and sometimes I think, what am I doing, stop this, you're not ready. It's all too confusing.

[CanadianGirl]

I think you should let him know that you really like him but you want to take things slowly. Also, if I read you correctly and you're bringing up your ex to him in conversation... you should really stop that. You can talk about things without bringing up past loves by name. He's not interested in your ex or why you were with him. He wants to know about you. And about digging into his past and asking questions about his past relationships, I'd be careful. I really believe past relationships shouldn't matter at all and it usually causes more harm than good to learn about them. Some people out there are strong enough to handle that knowledge well, but I just don't see the point.

Overall, you should take it easy and just enjoy spending time with him online. Don't worry too much about where its heading just yet. Personally, I met my SO way before I felt any kind of real love. I thought he was fascinating (and cute) and I really wanted to be around him in person. Real feelings came much later and I think that's healthy.

[differentcountries]

Feelings can rise at any point. For any reason. The way it seems to me is that you are still into your ex a bit. I would suggest mentioning this to your current date, in an indirect manner. You may say stuff like : in previous relationships I got hurt. Even though you seem nice I get easily overwealmed when we are in close contact. I can see that you like me and care for me. Can I ask you the favour that we slow this down to a rate my heart can follow? +something practical, like will it mean you Skype less or whatever.

[innocentbutterfly]

thank you both. I will try that to let him know somehow. Yes I noticed when he asked me about a recent dream and he heard it was different, but there was still ex in it, he didnt even mention him after. I know he doesnt wanna hear it. So I'm limiting myself now. I can't talk to him about that topic if I don't want to scare him away, right.

We scheduled a cam talk when my family is away, I'll see if that happens how it will go, I have never talked over cam before, it was always without sound, so I'm rather nervous.

He is completely different from my ex though, he is caring, attentive and a bit of a romantic and he likes to joke and has good imagination as much as I do, he evn uses my native language sometimes when he wants my attention, its really different, because my ex couldn't care less about it or my religion, he just learned a few words and start and then forgot all. also we got many things in common with this guy, its quite refreshing, but I'm rather careful and slow than sorry later.

[innocentbutterfly]

So a bit of update to this guys. I'm a little confused. We are kind of in this stage where we send hugs to each other and like worry if one is absent for long. I dont know what it is, I just feel a little bit better around him and I'm happy when we talk. He mentioned last time, since we are in that stage that we should meet and then after "real hug" decide if we start something or not. Me? I don't want that, I want to be at least half sure, because I told him meeting would happen only like that.

There's also other issue. He saw my statuses and he knows I was still affcted by my ex. He said I should block my ex and stop communicating if I dont care about him anymore and to not be disturbed by him. I explained to him that I tried "frienship" with my ex and that I dont want to block and that I never block people, because I think that's personal. He said not to understand him wrong, but he just wants me to move on properly and be "present" or as he put it "back to life" I think he's referring to me being serious about him? And what is that reaction, it's not jealousy or something? I said my ex doesn't bother me and that my feelings for my ex are slowly fading, I'm in that angry stage. And I told him that ex writing me doesnt disturb me. He said okay if you say so, to not understand him wrong, but that he wants me to start living and taking care of my life, exams and all.

Is he just being caring or is there something more behind it? He said that, but I noticed after we said bye he was a little shortspoken. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. What should I do here?

I told him it's good he told me what he thinks and that I also didnt expect we would have this talk yet as we didn't "start a relationship" yet and that I also know that when and if we do that I have a feeling this talk about my ex and my contact with him wasnt finished and he said the same.

I know he's right. I know me being in contact with my ex trying friendship still has a little effect on me, but I don't think of him in a loving way anymore if that helps? So I dont know if later he says he doesnt want me to stay in any kind of friendship with my ex, should I respect that and tell ex that Im done trying friendship or be honest that its because my current boyfriend wants so? Btw, my ex doesn't really deserve my friendship, but I wanted to stay friends despite him not believing in friends after being a lover. But I kind of liked how understanding he always was, though lately all he chats me about its trying to initiate sex talk or reminisces our sex moments together in kinda way "I know you would want to do this and that without any strings again - referring to just one night stand, as he asked me we could do that if we met again, which obviously I refused. And I fear to tell that to the guy I'm talking, that ex doesnt just ask me how am I doing, I know he wouldnt approve. I even slipped last time and wrote a few hot lines with my ex, just wasnt thinking, I didn't do something sexual, but I wrote him and my ex I think now is getting a vibe that he can get me to do it again.

I told the new guy that my ex chats me once a week saying how I am, but I didn't mention that sex talk, was I wrong here to cover that?

What should I do here?

[innocentbutterfly]

On the other hand I worry about falling in love with the new guy. He still has diploma to finish which will take about a year and a half, still has to do about of half a year of military duty and he was in a short 3 months LDR before where he gave up, because as he said he couldnt wait this long to meet/be with a girl. I don't know all the background behind it, but I worry that he would give up with me too. Plus military. I know men get crazy there anad I heard in his country in army there's rumors that they get foreign women to soldiers on side to "get satisfied" while serving. I dont know if its the truth or a rumor, but those two things worry me to start and I sure can't bring it up to him directly like that without affecting him

[differentcountries]

I had an ex who tried to initate sex even though this person broke my heart and I, like you, were dating and starting to fall in love with someone else. This is not love, it is not friendship, friends care for each other. I cut contact for a couple of years. I did not Block but I just did not initate anything or even visited profile /blog. When we started having contact again, it was totally different. By then we had both moved on long time ago.

The new guy ; are you not certain if you like him? Obviously it is possable to go longer than 3 months before seeing someone, but how long do you plan to wait? You may ask if he is only using you for sex. He might take offense to you suggesting that he is not sincere. How can he prove his good intentions (I of course don't know him, but right now neighter do you. He could be all right)? I suppose he has already told you he likes you.

[innocentbutterfly]

Well for ex, I dont initiate any talks for about 2 weeks already. He does. Last time in morning even he greeted me with 'sexy girl' then I told him to stop and I knew what that was about and he said he wouldn't start if he knew ,I would complain and that he was 'kidding'

Well the new guy, I like him, I like talking to him, I am happy when I talk to him and smile a lot, but as I said there's a few things that i worry about. He as far as I know him for now isn't that kind of guy. He's very serious and openminded. As for the wait, I want to wait until I know I feel something for sure. I don't want to meet while he feels something and I dont, you know?

Well, he did say he likes me, but he doesnt put emphasis on it, its like he's very discreet about it and his words/actions prove that more. Why did you get a vibe that he would only want me for sex?
Btw he knows about my history with ex and that I lost virginity to him. He never said anything against it when we had those talks