Whenever I hear him say the word "when we get married"

[rj506]

The last thread that I posted was about my SO's insecurities ( and mine ) but thankfully with the help of the advice of the LDR community we settled all our problems and we've been talking not often as before but we leave each other messages every morning and evening and we make it a point to talk to each other on skype every Saturday.

(ahem) Well so far our relationship has been great and he doesn't pressure me that much to talk to him because we both have different schedules and living in a different time-zone where he is 3 hours early on my time but lately in our talks he's been hankering the idea of us "getting married", which is understandable because I told him ever since that we first met that I was "saving myself for marriage" and he totally respects that. But the thought of getting MARRIED at all (uggghhh), I mean I'm not rushing to be at the altar. I had plans even before I met him and I plan to stick to it.

He's visiting me in 3 years or so in order to help us know if what we have together could be "something permanent"which is cool.

He's been pondering the idea of "us getting married" a few times lately that I even decided to break up with him at one point because I don't see myself getting married with him... maybe in the far distant future? ( I would say yes) but not right now. I told him that I don't really like the idea of us getting married after we closed our distance and I only want to start with us living together for a few years first ( He's reluctant of that idea BTW)

I really need your advice on these questions that have been raking up in my mind for the past few days:

- What is his deal? Is it because of our age gap that makes him think of settling down soon after a few years? ( I'm 18 and he's nearing his late 20's )
- Is it because he's been brought up in a religion ( He's Muslim and I'm a Roman Catholic )?
- Am I over reacting everything?


Help me please

[folclor]

Well, it is probably to do with a few things. If he's in his late 20's that means he's probably pretty ready to settle down now, especially if he thinks you're the person he wants to be with. For a lot of people, once you meet the person you want to be with, that's it. I know that when my guy and I met in person (I was 20, he was 21) we discussed the idea of eloping on the first visit. It didn't happen, of course, it would've been unwise for SO many reasons. But he's at the stage of his life where he's ready to settle down. You're not.

Also, a big thing is you say you want to live in the same place before you get married. As in... together. In the same apartment or house. You do realize that, unless there are more than just you two and you don't share a room, it's gonna be really hard (not impossible, but REALLY hard) not to have sex before marriage, right? It's hard enough for most close distance couples who aren't living together and most long distance couples, too.

I severely doubt that he's freaking out because of religion unless that's a sticking point already. Though I can see how BOTH of your religions would frown upon living together before marriage. Though I imagine Catholicism is more strict on that point.

You probably are over reacting a little bit. He's talking about waiting at least 3 years before y'all even start the process of closing the distance, right? so most likely at least 3 years before you get married. That's long enough to know whether you want to marry someone.

The other thing is, though, if you don't want to marry him and can't see yourself marrying him you may just want to let him go so he can find someone who wants to be with him just as much as he wants to be with her. In my experience, if you can't see yourself marrying him now, you'll never see yourself marrying him. I could be wrong. But I know that every time I've had a friend who's said that exact thing to me, "I don't see myself getting married to him, but maybe in the future" they've ended up breaking up because one side of the couple is more serious than the other. I'm not saying that your approach is wrong, or that it can't work. I could eat my words on the matter and be very happy to do so. But usually you know fairly quickly.

[differentcountries]

Living together and not having sex is so not going to work. Do you plan on torturing the poor guy? Plus you don't even know if you want to marry him at all... This does not seem serious to me.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Living together and not having sex is so not going to work. Do you plan on torturing the poor guy? Plus you don't even know if you want to marry him at all... This does not seem serious to me.

This is the second time on this board that you've framed/implied a girl not wanting to have sex with her male SO as somehow denying him something that he is entitled to. I'm certainly not someone who thinks waiting until marriage to have sex is necessarily the best way to go about things, but it's her body, her sexuality, and her choice. It's sexist rhetoric that really does not sit well with me. What about OP's own sexual feelings? How would you feel if the genders were reversed?

Also, what about the (in my opinion) far more disturbing part of OP's story: A guy a decade older than her, who won't be able to meet her for 3 years, and who is already talking about marriage?

[jana89]

OK Folclor says, "if you can't see yourself marrying him now, you'll never see yourself marrying him". I say, I wasn´t thinking about possible marriage with my SO until like last summer, which was 1 and half year into our relationship. So I wouldn´t be so stressed about it after three months. Differentcountries says: "Living together and not having sex is so not going to work..." I say, if the guy knows about OP´s rule from the beginning of the relationship and he respects it, I don´t see why it shouldn´t work. You can also arrange the household in a way that is helpful to this commitment, like separate bedrooms. Where is will, there is way

Rj506, I would say you should just have a talk with your SO, tell him you really don´t feel ready for marriage and let him explain his reasons for why he pressures you so much. You will either find a compromise or not and then you will have to move on. Good luck with everything

[differentcountries]

This is the second time on this board that you've framed/implied a girl not wanting to have sex with her male SO as somehow denying him something that he is entitled to. I'm certainly not someone who thinks waiting until marriage to have sex is necessarily the best way to go about things, but it's her body, her sexuality, and her choice. It's sexist rhetoric that really does not sit well with me. What about OP's own sexual feelings? How would you feel if the genders were reversed?

Also, what about the (in my opinion) far more disturbing part of OP's story: A guy a decade older than her, who won't be able to meet her for 3 years, and who is already talking about marriage?

Oh, both times I have commented I actually had myself in mind, imagining being so close to someone I love and desire and yet not let myself. Not denying him nor her anything, just a simple advice of not playing with fire for the sake of both of them. I just find it Odd. I know a lot of people, including family members, who don't have sex until marriage. Some occationaly share a bed without having sex, none live together because everybody knows that invites sexual temptation. It just goes agsinst human nature, for most guys and many girls that are not asexual. I am equally disturbed by her own presumtion that she herself will not be tempted, to clairify. I never feel sorry for people who save themselves until marriage, my own parents among others did that. But they were also very aware of that they were sexual beings, and they did not create scenarios that were inherently impossable. The other way around genderwise is just the same. And what about pregnancy, if you are not prepared with birth control? The self control you expect will come to the both of you is amazingly unrealistic.

About the marriage thing, a lot of people need time like jana89 said. Age may feed into it, older folks tend to want it more (Btw, are you 18 like your profile says or 20 like you say in your text?). Also, it could just be he really likes you and feels a romantic urge to tell you he wants you in his future. Why are you offended that people want to marry you? I have hardly ever dated someone you didn't talk about marriage /future pretty soon into our relationship. That made me secure as to explore my own feelings. If you tend to feel more preassured by it that is ok, just explore what everything does to you. I don't think you overthink it, you take the question of marriage seriously. Remember you still have time to get to know him and decide from there where you want it to go.

I noticed you said he is Muslim while you are Christian and more specificly Roman Catholic. There are several sub sections of Islam, too, and practice also differ a bit depending on which part of the world he is from. I believe however that unless he is more liberal, living together before marriage would be considered worse than sex before marriage because it is so public. Would you like invite his parents to visit the two of you while living together and not being married?

[folclor]

OK Folclor says, "if you can't see yourself marrying him now, you'll never see yourself marrying him". I say, I wasn´t thinking about possible marriage with my SO until like last summer, which was 1 and half year into our relationship. So I wouldn´t be so stressed about it after three months. Differentcountries says: "Living together and not having sex is so not going to work..." I say, if the guy knows about OP´s rule from the beginning of the relationship and he respects it, I don´t see why it shouldn´t work. You can also arrange the household in a way that is helpful to this commitment, like separate bedrooms. Where is will, there is way

Rj506, I would say you should just have a talk with your SO, tell him you really don´t feel ready for marriage and let him explain his reasons for why he pressures you so much. You will either find a compromise or not and then you will have to move on. Good luck with everything

I totally did not see she'd only been dating him since October 2013. That completely changes everything. No, I agree, after 3 months it's a bit early. The situation I referred to with my SO was after over a year of knowing him online. Though I stick by that if you know, you'll know fairly early, 3 months is a bit early even for that.

Again, yes, it's possible to not have sex while you are living together, but it's really really hard. I did it for about a month this past summer (religious reasons) but holy cow, it was hard. Having the intent of waiting and consciously putting it off can make it even more of a temptation and if you're not mentally prepared for that temptation you may find yourself having sex regardless of your conscious efforts.

[Dziubka]

Also, what about the (in my opinion) far more disturbing part of OP's story: A guy a decade older than her, who won't be able to meet her for 3 years, and who is already talking about marriage?

This! Especially seeing as from rj506's last post it seems like they've only been videochatting for a week?

[Moon]

Living together "for a few years" without having sex is unrealistic. Very, very unrealistic.

Also, do you really want to sit around your computer for the next three years, waiting to meet for the first time, for a guy you don't see yourself marrying? That, in my opinion, is a colossal waste of time and youth. What's the purpose in that? Maybe you both should back off, stop talking about marriage after 3 months, and before you've ever even met, and just be friends for a while, until you both have a better idea of where you're going in life. Go out and have fun, don't sit around waiting for fairy tales to happen, keep in touch and see where it goes.

[emsimes]

I agree with Moon. I think it's honestly way too soon for him to be talking about marriage after only being in a relationship for 3 months, especially since you've never met in person.
You're still young and have your whole life ahead of you! While I'm not saying you should give up on him completely, I think it would do you good to get out and enjoy life. Who knows what may happen a few years down the road, but don't worry about it too much

[lyonsgirl]

I'm not going to address the marriage thing - it seems as though PPs have that covered.

What disturbs me is the responses that all say it's "impossible" to live together and not have sex. It is possible - and as long as you are BOTH committed to the decision, it's not nearly as hard as you think it might be. How do I know? My SO & I did it. We established boundaries at the beginning of our relationship and one of them, among others, was to wait until marriage.

Over 3 years later, and we are now married. We stayed true to the commitments we made at the beginning of our relationship.

I'm not saying it won't be hard - it was hard for the few months we were living together prior to marriage. But it is very much possible.

[differentcountries]

I am not talking about maybe living cd together for three months prior to marriage without sex. Of course you managed it when you knew that soon you would be married. I am talking about how op seem to plan indefinite celibacy while living with a man she might one day marry... Or not.

Is there any specific reason why it will take 3 years before you can visit in person? That is a really long time to wait, even for an international LDR. I am sure the both of you have some vacation time, and you are both fairly young and unattatched. Is it maybe studies or work that hinders you? Or his reluctancy to mention you to his parents?

[rj506]

LOL I wrote this thread hoping to get about 4 or 5 response but (woah!) I had a lot of back and forth opinions from all of you. THANK YOU very much for sharing.

First off I'm sorry if you all were confused with my age but I moved my age up a 2 years but I really am 18. I should change it though so as not to confuse any off you in the future. I don't really mind if he's ahead of me by a few years because I've been around people who had successful relationships where the guy is 5-7 years older than the OP. And maybe it's because my parent's age difference is by a few months ( They've been highschool sweethearts and married after being in a relationship for 10 years) and the nasty divorce that I had to endure watching it play back and forth between that solidified my opinion on marriage and commitment.

- My SO is fine with my choice of celibacy ( it was my way of showing my Love for God.. because I will always choose HIM over any "Mr. Right"s of the world) , and in fact since he's in a country where pre-marital sex is frown upon he's been brought up to practice celibacy as well. ( I stated to him bluntly that if he couldn't handle it then we'd better end it quickly, which he didn't want to LOL). And it's not like I'm not going to be a total nun if we ever live together. But I better purchase a chastity belt if we ever Live together (LOL)

- It was my choice to wait for three years before closing the distance because I want to be sure if I can/ we can make this work. And also it's for personal reasons because my parents are strict and I want to focus on my studies and future career before meeting up with him. And I have a lot of growing up to do before going into a serious relationship and he has his career going on as well.

- Yes! I've been the one who's been telling him that I don't want to make a commitment and "let's just see how this takes on and if you ever find a girl that you like there I'll totally support you." It's not infidelity on my part because I don't want to hold anyone off if ever he thinks that she's met the right girl. But he says ," It sounds like I don't actually love him" (LOL) so we decided to drop the subject and face it later on.

- The reason why I'm over thinking this is because HE's different from the other guys I've dated. I've had 2 boyfriends that each lasted for about 1 year and when the time came when my relationship with them I didn't feel anything... no bitterness or resentment over the other.. But 2 days ago my SO did a horrible prank where we texted each other and at one point of our conversation he mentioned to me that he was breaking up with me because I've been talking to him about us separating for a while and he was really tired of hearing it and I asked him " So is this the last time we'll get to talk to each other" and when he said "Yes.... I guess so". I literally felt my heart drop and my gut feel twisted. Then I said " Okay.. if that's how you feel then I respect your decision and I hope you'd find someone special" ... Then he replied by texting "I was kidding... jeeeeeezzzzzzzzz" (That was really a stupid prank.... But he groveled a lot before he came back to my good graces )


BUT most of you are totally right.. I shouldn't over think it too much and let's just see how this turns out. I just really think that he's the "Right Guy but at the Wrong time". I didn't really even think of going through another relationship and I made plans to have a boyfriend AFTER I get a graduate and get a job.. but he's here now so... sigh.

[differentcountries]

I understand not wanting to closing the distance for a while, but why dont you want a visit before the move?

[rj506]

Well one factor is that my family and relatives "on both sides" are judgemental and hypocrites. I dont want start my first cd relationship with him with headaches and a lot of criticism. The only supporting member that I have is my mother "the black sheep of the family". But I guess we can start dating for a while first before deciding to move in together in the future ( but that would certainly not happen in about 7 years or more after I graduate.. I've told him about my plans and he totally respects it because I want myself/us to be financially settled before making a strong commitment with each other. Money was always the source of my parent's fights before and I don't want to fight over it with him).