Ive been in a relationship for 2 months, is it too early to be engaged?

[Alsfia]

Thanks for explaining how things are in Finland, Roosie! Obviously I have the "American" POV, but I just don't see the point of getting engaged if you're not planning a wedding in the near future. For all those couples who are like "yeah we'll get married when financially stable" great. Perfect. But then why even do the engagement thing so far ahead of time? I suppose in my opinion being engaged doesn't change your relationship. Being married does (not that the actual relationship changes, but the financial part, taxes, etc etc does). So why get engaged if it changes nothing and you're not planning a wedding?

I can't type what my brain is spewing right now because stupid neighbors are banging metal with hammers. Hope I got my point across!

The way I see engagement (the way I was taught to see engagement from my parents who were engaged for 8 years before they got married) is as a completely own stage in a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage. I don't really know how to put this to make it more understandable really but it takes your relationship to a new, slightly more official level than just being in a relationship without getting married, it's kind of a confirmation of a future together without the pressure of getting married at once (most married couples I know had dated each other for at least 5 years before getting married).

Confusing ramble completely off topic finished

[80anthea]

I knew after two months that I wanted to marry my SO but I'm old and stupid

[roosie]

The way I see engagement (the way I was taught to see engagement from my parents who were engaged for 8 years before they got married) is as a completely own stage in a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage. I don't really know how to put this to make it more understandable really but it takes your relationship to a new, slightly more official level than just being in a relationship without getting married, it's kind of a confirmation of a future together without the pressure of getting married at once (most married couples I know had dated each other for at least 5 years before getting married).

Confusing ramble completely off topic finished

Sorry OP for hijacking your thread.

You explained it better than I could have. It's definitely not something we take lightly, although it might seem so by prolonging it so much. Quite the contrary, it's indeed considered almost as an own stage, which makes your relationship "feel" more official without the pressure of taking it to a next level just yet. My aunt has been engaged to her fiance for 10 years and she has no intention of marrying him. They got engaged to make it more "official" but don't feel the need to get married. I think this is related to our liberal and social democratic society. Legally there is no big advantage of getting married and there is also no stigma of living together before getting married or cohabitating without ever getting married, even if you have children. Marriage is not really seen as necessity but obviously a lot of couples still want to make it official like that. You don't have to worry so much about reaching the financial stability before getting married here. We start off well and receive financial stability quite early. Our education is free, even in the universities so we don't come out with a debt when we graduate. We get paid to study every month so we don't necessarily have to work or to rely on our parents financially, as the benefits cover most of our expenses and 80% of our rent, which is relatively low. We don't have dormitories in our universities so everyone lives on their own; and as it is cheaper to split the rent most couples live together in relatively nice apartments long before getting married. Getting engaged is often a natural next step but we don't rush into getting married because it doesn't change that much, as you've already been living together for a long time and you know you can rely on the society to look after you financially if needed. I probably didn't answer any of LB's questions but here's some more background.

[Sophie0170]

I think a long engagement might be a good idea, as others have suggested though.

Me too. An engagement is an engagement - it doesn't mean you have to get married any time soon, it just means that you want to and plan to one day. I also don't think 18 is too young. Who's to say it's too early but you? If you and your SO are happy with getting engaged, go for it. Just take things slowly and see how it goes.

[lyonsgirl]

Me too. An engagement is an engagement - it doesn't mean you have to get married any time soon, it just means that you want to and plan to one day. I also don't think 18 is too young. Who's to say it's too early but you? If you and your SO are happy with getting engaged, go for it. Just take things slowly and see how it goes.

But... why do you have to be engaged to want/plan to get married one day?

[Sophie0170]

But... why do you have to be engaged to want/plan to get married one day?

You don't "have" to be engaged to want/plan to get married one day but if you do want to, then why not?

[Moon]

Me too. An engagement is an engagement - it doesn't mean you have to get married any time soon, it just means that you want to and plan to one day. I also don't think 18 is too young. Who's to say it's too early but you? If you and your SO are happy with getting engaged, go for it. Just take things slowly and see how it goes.

Well, of course you don't, you're 18

[lyonsgirl]

You don't "have" to be engaged to want/plan to get married one day but if you do want to, then why not?

Your SO is from Finland? You should read the posts by other members about the Finnish culture.

But for me, getting engaged is serious business. It means "okay, time to plan the wedding now". I understand that a longer engagement may be necessary some times - but not usually. Okay, honestly, I can't think of any reason why a longer engagement is necessary beyond you have a "dream venue" in mind and they're completely booked until years after you got engaged. And even then, I'd alter my venue so I could marry my SO sooner.

[Sophie0170]

Well, of course you don't, you're 18

True but a lot of people think all teenagers are the same and think people don't mature until they're older and that's not the case. Some might think they want to get married young and then they may change their mind when time goes by but that happens to people of all ages, not just teenagers. So if we look at it that way, people should never get married in case they "change their mind" Everyone's different. My parents were together for over 20 years and they met when my mum was 16, it wasn't until my mum was nearly 40 then they split up.. And on the other side of things, my nan got married at 18 years old and is still married 40 years later - although 'times have changed' I guess, it still happened xD

[Hollandia]

With age comes wisdom. For centuries those with youth fight the notion until the day comes, they are the ones with the wisdom. Some of us older posters, are trying to help with younger ones and many of us also thought we were more mature than most others when we were your age too. I wish you all the best, but sometimes it is like bashing my head up against a wall. I consider myself have to just enough wisdom now to listen to my elders so that I might learn from some of their mistakes and not walk blindly into some scenarios that others with more experience could prevent. It is a shame that so many can't come to this understanding while they still have most of their youth with them.

[Ahava]

Some people are wise enough to learn from others mistakes, others have to make their own

I don't regret my "mistake", because of it I am the person I am today and also it gave me two lovely children.
If I hadn't been all those years with a not so nice man I don't think I would be able to apreciate my now SO.

[lyonsgirl]

With age comes wisdom. For centuries those with youth fight the notion until the day comes, they are the ones with the wisdom. Some of us older posters, are trying to help with younger ones and many of us also thought we were more mature than most others when we were your age too. I wish you all the best, but sometimes it is like bashing my head up against a wall. I consider myself have to just enough wisdom now to listen to my elders so that I might learn from some of their mistakes and not walk blindly into some scenarios that others with more experience could prevent. It is a shame that so many can't come to this understanding while they still have most of their youth with them.

I'm not as old as Moon or Holl, but I'm old enough to realize that I was a complete idiot at 18. Heck, I was a complete idiot until I was about... 21 or so. I "knew everything" and knew better than my parents, obviously. Because I was living on my own and knew what was best. (ha!)

[Malaga]

I knew after two months that I wanted to marry my SO but I'm old and stupid

I knew too but that doesn't mean I'm ready for it yet. We are so right for each other, but our lives aren't there yet. There's no doubt we're getting there, but I don't want to leap into it - I enjoy each phase as it comes. We're both like that which I think is why we've never had any doubts, it's always been a steady way up.

Finnish culture aside, I can't help but feel perplexed by long engagements. It usually seems like an excuse more than anything else. Either to pacify whichever partner is more intent on getting married, or to contain some insecurity, or indulge a fantasy. It's like a commitment without actually being commited, neither here or there.

[Hollandia]

Some people are wise enough to learn from others mistakes, others have to make their own

I don't regret my "mistake", because of it I am the person I am today and also it gave me two lovely children.
If I hadn't been all those years with a not so nice man I don't think I would be able to apreciate my now SO.

I have to say I wish I had not made many of mine. My daughter paid a big price for several of my choices I made in my youth.

Some see the glass half empty, some see it half full. I see it the 50 percent of liquid in it. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to take advice from your elders if you do so without just assuming you won't profit from their wisdom and experience. You might be glad you made your mistakes for your reasons, but really are we advising people to go do things that make be a mistake and hope they learn from it? I think you know how truly painful a bad marriage and a divorce can be.

There is no reason to jump into such a thing as engagement when you are still a teen. I think a promise ring is a much better idea. You have an entire lifetime to live together, why the need to push the fast forward button and not enjoy each and every step instead?

Engaged means you are engaged to be married. You say this will be "long"..... how long is okay with you? 3 years? 5? 10? What if one of you gets tired of being engaged 4 years from now and then other still is not ready to marry? I think after being engaged for so long might cause some to feel entitled to the next step and really if you both are not on the same page, this could cause major problems. Have the two of you discussed an actual idea of how long is "long"? I don't think you should get engaged until you do.

[TwoThree]

I'd like to add my 2 cents about the cultural thing with Finns and engagement. I'm sure Roosie, Alsfia and Ahava are right in their description of the mentality towards getting engaged being different, however that doesn't mean that young people aren't any less prone to mistakes, whatever their culture.

Case in point, my SO got engaged at the age of 19 to his first girlfriend, with whom he had been for three years. They broke up a few months after the engagement when she decided that they "should see other people". I think the "too young" rule is pretty much universal