Ive been in a relationship for 2 months, is it too early to be engaged?

[Ahava]

Truest thing ever.

And, while 40 is still young, what nobody tells you, and what you don't realize is, by the time you get there, and are ready for the fun and travel, everyone you know now has families, and you lead a very different life from those who were your friends. You're free, but nobody else is, and to be honest, it can be very lonely.

Depends. If you are lucky some of your friends will have divorced and will be wanting to go out and travel etc (okay just kidding here, partly).
And it is nice to give them advice on parenting, hand the bundle of love back and go to your peaceful home and make love to your partner who is also glad there aren't any screaming little brats around

Also one thing to add on the list of pro's for having children younger is you are more energetic at 20 than at 40.
I have friends that have had their first child at 40 and it is hard work.
Sleepless nights, changing nappies etc aren't a bed of roses at any age, but when you're young you can put up with it.

(This is not to say that go and have kids now at 18, LOL)

[CynicalQuixotic]

Another thing that I think is important to bring up is that if it comes to that, you can't end a legal marriage without divorce. Divorce is a long, expensive, drawn-out process that people really don't need to/usually can't afford to go through in their early to mid-20s. The fact of the matter is, the person you are with at 18 is 9 times out of 10 not the person you will end up with, and this is coming from someone who was in a long-term, mostly happy relationship from the ages of 16 to 20. (Wow, there were a lot of numbers in that sentence). You change so much between your late teens and mid-20s that it is practically impossible to come out of this time period the same person as you were when you began. I would even argue that you shouldn't be the same person at 18 than you are at 23/24.

Also, energy means nothing if you literally cannot afford to raise your child. With the reality of the modern Western economy, most people are not financially independent or financially stable in their early 20s. It's just not feasible like it was even 30 years ago. But, OP said she does not want to have children for a long time, so I digress.

Bottom line: Trust us, you really aren't mature enough, rings are expensive, and even being engaged puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. You are 18 and have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy being in love.

[Ahava]

Just want to point out that I was (and am) speaking in general not regarding the OP's situation.

And divorces aren't expensive always/in every country. Mine cost 140 €. (A lot less than the wedding)
The more you own, the greedier & the more bitter you get, the more it costs.

Bringing up children is just as costly as you make it.

[Malaga]

I wouldn't actually advice on getting married at 18 or at any age if you haven't known the person long. But if a person wants to do it, feels mature enough etc I wouldn't tell them not to either.

Honestly it all comes back to what Lucybelle said, about being too stupid at 18. We all really are too stupid at 18. Or 19 or even 20. Where does all that faith in a teenager's assessment of their own level of maturity come from? It's not right to dish out the same advice to someone in their teens and someone in their 30s. "If you feel like it, go for it." Don't go for it. Not because it offends my views, but because you're in no position yet to make that decision. Take it easy and grow up first as an individual (doesn't mean you have to be single, or hooking up randomly). There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Just want to point out that I was (and am) speaking in general not regarding the OP's situation.

And divorces aren't expensive always/in every country. Mine cost 140 €. (A lot less than the wedding)
The more you own, the greedier & the more bitter you get, the more it costs.

Bringing up children is just as costly as you make it.

To be fair, I have been becoming increasingly disillusioned with the institution of marriage, so my view is that anything that makes it harder for couples to split up when they have decided that they really need to, especially with the divorce rate so high in the Western world, is probably not operating to the benefit of society. But this is my opinion, I certainly think that anyone who wants to get married should be able to. I just won't always think it's a good idea.

Also, Ahava, you need to bear in mind that you come from a socialist democratic country with a highly evolved, progressive safety net that simply does not exist in the US. (Canada is better). You are eligible to receive government aid and childcare subsidies in your country that don't and possibly will never exist in the US. This affects quality of life enormously for a kid being raised by parents who are not in the best of economic situations, as most people usually are in their early 20s.

[Ahava]

To be fair, I have been becoming increasingly disillusioned with the institution of marriage, so my view is that anything that makes it harder for couples to split up when they have decided that they really need to, especially with the divorce rate so high in the Western world, is probably not operating to the benefit of society. But this is my opinion, I certainly think that anyone who wants to get married should be able to. I just won't always think it's a good idea.

Also, Ahava, you need to bear in mind that you come from a socialist democratic country with a highly evolved, progressive safety net that simply does not exist in the US. (Canada is better). You are eligible to receive government aid and childcare subsidies in your country that don't and possibly will never exist in the US. This affects quality of life enormously for a kid being raised by parents who are not in the best of economic situations, as most people usually are in their early 20s.

Good point CQ, and I agree with you on this.

[Ahava]

Honestly it all comes back to what Lucybelle said, about being too stupid at 18. We all really are too stupid at 18. Or 19 or even 20. Where does all that faith in a teenager's assessment of their own level of maturity come from? It's not right to dish out the same advice to someone in their teens and someone in their 30s. "If you feel like it, go for it." Don't go for it. Not because it offends my views, but because you're in no position yet to make that decision. Take it easy and grow up first as an individual (doesn't mean you have to be single, or hooking up randomly). There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

My point is that I don't feel I have the right to tell another person how they should live their life. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions in life as well as their own mistakes.
Advice is good, but bluntly telling some one who has gotten engaged/is getting engaged that they are making a mistake....
(I'm not saying you, Malaga, did this) Just trying to explain where I myself am coming from.

Most of what I wrote in this thread was (am I repeating myself? ) on a general level.

As to the OP's situation, I think that because they have known each other for a long time as best friends (= a really good foundation to build a relationship on) and from what she has written, they sound like sensible teenagers/adults. If they want to get engaged I don't see any reason not to, if that is what THEY want to do and feel is right for them.
If they were thinking of getting married it would be a different story.
Then again people have argued about long engagements (= what's the point in one), it is easier to get out of than a marriage, if you realise you aren't right for each other.

[Hollandia]

18 is too young regardless of your government's structure. I picked a real doozy in my early twenties. I never should have married him and it was over before I hit 30. I would be most interested to see what the ratio of divorce is for those that get married young versus those that wait till they are a bit more mature.

[Hollandia]

My point is that I don't feel I have the right to tell another person how they should live their life. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions in life as well as their own mistakes.
Advice is good, but bluntly telling some one who has gotten engaged/is getting engaged that they are making a mistake....
(I'm not saying you, Malaga, did this) Just trying to explain where I myself am coming from.

Most of what I wrote in this thread was (am I repeating myself? ) on a general level.

As to the OP's situation, I think that because they have known each other for a long time as best friends (= a really good foundation to build a relationship on) and from what she has written, they sound like sensible teenagers/adults. If they want to get engaged I don't see any reason not to, if that is what THEY want to do and feel is right for them.
If they were thinking of getting married it would be a different story.
Then again people have argued about long engagements (= what's the point in one), it is easier to get out of than a marriage, if you realise you aren't right for each other.

The OP out right came out and asked point blank if it was right or not. This opened the door to exactly that and also makes it seems as though she wants to hear it from anyone that has an opinion about it.

[CynicalQuixotic]

My point is that I don't feel I have the right to tell another person how they should live their life. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions in life as well as their own mistakes.
Advice is good, but bluntly telling some one who has gotten engaged/is getting engaged that they are making a mistake....
(I'm not saying you, Malaga, did this) Just trying to explain where I myself am coming from.

Most of what I wrote in this thread was (am I repeating myself? ) on a general level.

As to the OP's situation, I think that because they have known each other for a long time as best friends (= a really good foundation to build a relationship on) and from what she has written, they sound like sensible teenagers/adults. If they want to get engaged I don't see any reason not to, if that is what THEY want to do and feel is right for them.
If they were thinking of getting married it would be a different story.
Then again people have argued about long engagements (= what's the point in one), it is easier to get out of than a marriage, if you realise you aren't right for each other.

Something that I fundamentally do not understand (not picking on you personally Ahava, I have noticed this all over this board), is why people think that when someone disadvises someone from doing something, it means that they are absolutely forbidding them from doing it. We are just people on the internet--we don't have that kind of power. We say that getting engaged at 18 is a mistake because in our (usually quite strong) opinion, it is a mistake, and statistics and general knowledge back us up. For all we know they could get engaged now, get married, and be incredibly happy together, which would be awesome. But, what pretty much all teenagers (and a lot of older people) fail to realize is that usually you are not the exception to the rule--this is why the rule is the rule! Your pre-frontal cortex isn't even fully developed until you are 25. This is why taking older/wiser/more experienced people's advice is usually a good idea.

...not that I always do. I can be a brat too.

[Ahava]

Okay, fair game.
I enjoyed the debate, thank y'all

[roosie]

This thread made me think of cultural differences when it comes to engagement. I assume that in American (and Western in general) context getting engaged usually means getting married within a year. However, we see it quite differently in Finland so I can also see where Ahava is coming from. We tend to prefer longer engagements, as there is no social pressure to get married soon after. Someone getting engaged at 18 would probably wait for some years to get married. I'm not saying that getting engaged at 18 is a good idea, but often there is a lot of time for them to grow and decide whether they actually want to get married here. I have a lot of friends that have been engaged for a few years or several, with intentions of getting married when they are financially stable at some point in the future. Of course I can't talk for everyone but that seems to be the trend. Somehow I find your way much more of a "big deal" because of the pressure of getting married so soon after engagement and the cost of divorce in the US. Telling someone to get married young and make mistakes probably doesn't have such big consequences here because of the low cost of divorce and the social system to support you in financial need. Of course the emotional part is just as hard.. which you are not mature enough to handle well in your teens. I don't personally mind long engagements if you are a bit older and seriously committed, but I think rushing to get engaged or married in your teens is not a good idea, though. Just wanted to share our way of thinking, not to encourage anyone to rush into it.

[lucybelle]

Thanks for explaining how things are in Finland, Roosie! Obviously I have the "American" POV, but I just don't see the point of getting engaged if you're not planning a wedding in the near future. For all those couples who are like "yeah we'll get married when financially stable" great. Perfect. But then why even do the engagement thing so far ahead of time? I suppose in my opinion being engaged doesn't change your relationship. Being married does (not that the actual relationship changes, but the financial part, taxes, etc etc does). So why get engaged if it changes nothing and you're not planning a wedding?

I can't type what my brain is spewing right now because stupid neighbors are banging metal with hammers. Hope I got my point across!

[TexastoFinland]

My SO and I had many issues with the way dating things are and the engagement in the US and FInland. Finns are usually WAY more careful when agreeing to get married than Americans. For instance, all of my cousins, sisters etc have been married at least once. At my age I meet people who are on their third and fourth marriages. I found that to be uncommon in Finland. My SO has never been married at now 35. I had pressured him to make a decision, plan our future, say he is going to marry me after 6 months of dating because that is the way of things in the US. You dont know how many of my US friends have said to me :"WOW! you have been together for 2 years and you he hasn't proposed? He must not really love you or he isn't sure you are right for him." In Texas, the proposal means usually no more than a year after you are married. I know now he has deep feelings for me but he doesn't say he loves me which another Finnish thing. They do not rush to say I love you, It is common in the US to say I love you to someone for the novelty. People here think the sign of a good guy is one that says " I love you". PEople get married way younger in the US and have kids younger in the US than in FInland. WE grew up seeing a whole different way of life and that can many times hurt a relationship. He actually never even explained these things to me since he have never been to the US but my Finnish girlfriends are the ones who told me the way of it. If I didn't have them, then I probably would've broken it off a long time ago. Now I am more patient and I have told him my expectations as an American and I am giving him his time to process and hoping he will do the right thing by my culture as well.. like a middle ground.

This thread made me think of cultural differences when it comes to engagement. I assume that in American (and Western in general) context getting engaged usually means getting married within a year. However, we see it quite differently in Finland so I can also see where Ahava is coming from. We tend to prefer longer engagements, as there is no social pressure to get married soon after. Someone getting engaged at 18 would probably wait for some years to get married. I'm not saying that getting engaged at 18 is a good idea, but often there is a lot of time for them to grow and decide whether they actually want to get married here. I have a lot of friends that have been engaged for a few years or several, with intentions of getting married when they are financially stable at some point in the future. Of course I can't talk for everyone but that seems to be the trend. Somehow I find your way much more of a "big deal" because of the pressure of getting married so soon after engagement and the cost of divorce in the US. Telling someone to get married young and make mistakes probably doesn't have such big consequences here because of the low cost of divorce and the social system to support you in financial need. Of course the emotional part is just as hard.. which you are not mature enough to handle well in your teens. I don't personally mind long engagements if you are a bit older and seriously committed, but I think rushing to get engaged or married in your teens is not a good idea, though. Just wanted to share our way of thinking, not to encourage anyone to rush into it.

[Lilly9886]

But, what pretty much all teenagers (and a lot of older people) fail to realize is that usually you are not the exception to the rule--this is why the rule is the rule!

Another wink to the movie "He is just not that into you" - I think the movie has some wise stuff to say!! Just saying! I think you can guess that I love the movie!