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    #1

    Lying? Dishonesty?

    Hello all. It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, although I've been lurking around for quite some time.
    Anyway, I really need some advice...or someone to tell me I'm not crazy.
    I posted a couple months ago about my boyfriend traveling to London to study abroad. He is still there until the end of March. I mentioned he was going with his ex as well as a lot of other females. Okay, this doesn't bother me. However, lately he hasn't been telling me what he's been doing. We've been talking less because he's been "busy", or so he claims. This morning I logged into facebook to find a picture of him with his ex at a bar together. I confronted him about it and asked him when it was taken. He said a couple days ago. I got angry, because we always tell each other when we are going out. The night that he claimed this happened, he had lied to me and said he was doing work. Then today I find out he was at bar with his ex amongst a group of other females. The fact that he blatantly lied to my face makes me wonder what else he's been lying about or keeping from me?
    Am I being crazy and blowing this way out of proportion? When I expressed concern over this and got angry, he only got defensive and said we need to "re-think" things. Now he's purposely ignoring me.

    Any input or advice will be greatly appreciated!
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    #2
    I wouldn't jump to too bold conclusions just yet, but that definitely isn't alright. You need to let him know that you are concerned because you love him, but you won't stand for dishonesty and are hurt he tried to hide stuff from you. Why couldn't he have just told you? Perhaps he felt you would be upset if he went out with his ex and all those girls, which rightfully probably would. I honestly don't think he has done anything and he probably got mad because he thought you were accusing him of possibly cheating. But he shouldn't be the one mad when he lied to you. I don't think I can give anymore advice because the rest depends on how well you know him and your relationship.
    Hope everything works out.

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      #3
      Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
        Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
        You don't expect an honest answer from your SO when you ask him what he has been doing?

        I would be upset, because I really don't like dishonesty, even if it's to save my feelings. If you are man enough to do something, be man enough to admit it. Though, I would make sure he understands that you are upset about him lying to you, rather than him thinking it's about going out with his ex or other women.

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          #5
          i think you have every right to be upset and hurt. no i don't think you are crazy! Trust is earned, and by his lying your trust is wavering.

          He is incredibly out of line, and being sneaky, so of course you are going to get suspicious. ESPECIALLY, because you expressed concerns BEFORE he left. He should be a little bit more respectful to you and be honest. I think personally he is being really shady about lying about his time with his ex. Why did he lie and say he was at work, if he DIDN'T have something to hide? do you see? also the fact that he is getting so defensive is a sign that he's deflecting and trying to hide something. He is being incredibly juvenille and disrespectful to your feelings and relationship REGARDLESS if anything is going on with him and his ex.

          i've had a similar situation happen with me and my SO recently. except I was in your ex's shoes. although I was honest about things, there was a time gap in my story (that had to do with work) so my SO got suspicious. but because nothing really did happen, I felt no need to be aggressively defensive, and because of that my SO believed that I was telling the truth. I've done lots of things to not keep his trust, however we are able to talk about things and we place great value on our trust.

          Trust is the key to any relationship, especially LDR. He is in the wrong, and has no right to try and guilt you for trying to express your feelings and concerns. he should be understanding, and maybe try to spend less time with his ex to please you.

          This must be incredibly hard for you! I am so sorry you are going through this! I hope he pulls his head out of his rear! (:

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
            Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
            she didn't do anything for him to treat her like that. he is being shady and clearly hiding something. why would he lie about hanging out with his ex if there was nothing to hide. I would be incredibly upset. she has every right to be upset and hurt! he clearly doesn't care about trust at all. and that is one of the most important parts of a relationship, especially LDR.

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              #7
              Lying in general is a yellow flag for me, and in this case I would call it red flag, since it involved an ex. I second what kikidee said, you need to sit down and talk to him about it, without accusing him or getting emotional about it though. It is ultimately up to you what measure of trust you decide to put in him.

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                #8
                Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
                Wow, really?? He told her he was at work, when he was at a bar with an ex. Most people would have a serious problem with this.

                OP, this is not OK, and you aren't blowing anything out of proportion. At this point, I'd be losing much of my trust, too. Go with your gut on this one, it's strange that he was so defensive, and is now ignoring you, there really might be more here than meets the eye, and I say this from the perspective of someone who usually rolls her eyes and moves on from such posts. Something is weird here. Doesn't he have any guy friends to hang with?
                Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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                  #9
                  I would not be okay with this and the fact that he's trying to turn it on you for getting upset would send up red flags. Lying in place of communication, especially in a situation that could be otherwise 100% fine (even if it would be uncomfortable to deal with him hanging out with an ex/girl friends and drinking), is a problem in a relationship.. I think he owes you at least an apology and a good explanation. If he's going to "solve" this by avoiding you, I think you deserve way better.

                  Married: June 9th, 2015

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                    Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
                    How is she pressing him into lying? She said it doesn't bother her that he hangs out with his ex:

                    Originally posted by RachelAnne View Post
                    I mentioned he was going with his ex as well as a lot of other females. Okay, this doesn't bother me.
                    I think you misunderstood the post.

                    Anyway:
                    I would be upset myself. And him purposely ignoring you after you brought this up would make me really angry. There is no excuse to why he lied. He should have told you and you are not acting out of line here.

                    Relationship began: 05/22/2012
                    First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
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                    Married: 1/24/2015
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                      #11
                      Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. I tried explaining to him that it's not the fact that he's hanging around his ex and other girls that bothers me, it's the fact that he purposely lied to my face and went behind my back without me being aware of the situation that really upset me. Unfortunately, telling this to him seems to have sent him over the edge...and now he's refusing to get on Skype to talk about it with me, after I asked him to do this for me. He hasn't apologized once or tried to explain the situation to me, so I still feel like I'm still in the dark.

                      And Moon, to answer to your question, according to him there was only one other guy who went to London with him and a group of...15 something-other art students? All females. This fact doesn't bother me so much, since I know there's nothing he can do about that.

                      It's just knowing that he went behind my back to do this without telling me about it and then lying about it that's pissing me off.

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                        #12
                        I just wanted to chime in and say your not crazy. I don't have any helpful advice but you are totally allowed to feel whatever it is you are feeling and its valid.

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                          #13
                          Originally posted by RachelAnne View Post
                          now he's refusing to get on Skype to talk about it with me, after I asked him to do this for me. He hasn't apologized once or tried to explain the situation to me
                          That is not OK at all. It is not mature, caring or respectful. Big red flag.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                            Sorry, but you press him into lying . Why should it matter to you where he was or who with? Get over the fact that he has acess to an ex girlfriend.
                            What the hell? He lied to her, and said he was at work, when he was at a bar with the ex.

                            OP, That's not cool at all, that he would say one thing, and it was really another. Not to mention he's being extremely defensive about it, when you want to know whats going on. I don't' believe you are blowing it out of proportion, I wouldn't trust this at all.
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                              #15
                              The fact that he's even refusing to talk about it sends up two reg flags for me. If he keeps refusing to talk about it in a mature manner then I would call it a dealbreaker.

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