Is it cheating? Jumped the pond and found an ugly scenario.
Hello everyone, apologies in advance for the length of this one...
Long time member of Loving from a Distance; but perhaps lurker is the better word. Fortunately for me, I have had the privilege of spending the majority of the past three years with my significant other. We have parted ways only twice during our relationship - the first for three months due to visa complications, and the second most recently because he returned to the UK for his masters.
The Backstory:
We had been prepared for him to leave for several months before it happened, but ended up post-poning his flight as our relationship had been on rocky ground lately and we were unsure if we wanted to be together anymore. We resolved some large issues before deciding that he would stay the extra month of December (I had become controlling and negative and he had shut me out completely). With this in mind, we both made a real effort to change for one another, and it truly paid off. We had an excellent December and decided that we would continue fighting for one another throughout his masters program of two years.
He left in January. I won't fill you in on the details of the emotions at the airport as I'm sure many of you have had those same moments. We decided that I would come in March, giving me enough time to leave my job, save some money, and put all the finer details of my life on hold. The plan was for me to stay until June while waiting to hear if I was accepted into my own masters program back in Canada. If I wasn't accepted, I would stay in the UK and find work (dual citizenship).
Things got rocky again when he acknowledged our third year anniversary via text and then chose to spend the entire day out with his new friends; he texted me throughout the day telling me that he would be home soon and we could skype. I sat at my computer for the day waiting; only to have him return at 10pm his time, very tired, with nothing to say. He knew that I was angry that he had left no time in his day to celebrate with me. Needless to say, I was aching and felt like he was losing interest in me. I expressed all of this in what I do admit was a very negative way - and I could tell as we talked that he was slipping from me.
Three days went by and nothing happened. Finally on the fourth day, he called me, and told me he didn't think I would be happy if I came overseas to be with him. He feared that I would be bored and dislike the city and that he couldn't give me what I needed. Around 4am his time, after talking for four hours, he told me not to come, yet was adamant that he still loved me and wanted to keep trying (?). I asked him if we could take a day to think about the implications of this decision and he agreed. When we spoke the following day, he told me again not to come. He expressed his long-standing concerns about the nature of our relationship (all of which were valid). As we talked we began to agree that things needed to change for us both to be happy and healthy together, and finally we resolved that it was still best if I came for the three months. Deep down, we loved each other too much to let go, and I knew it was my turn to try to be better for him.
The time between then and my arrival was difficult due to the time change and his heavy schedule and the fact that I was working full-time. But we managed, and it was the happiest we had ever allowed ourselves to be together. We were good to one another, looked after each other, and some how made the time to nurture our partnership. For the first time in two years, I felt like I could truly let go and allow myself to fall in love all over again. Each of us went to great lengths to ensure the other was feeling the love across the ocean - we even called one another during my business trip to the Bahamas and he managed to have flowers sent to my room. We were more connected than we ever had been and I saw our future unfolding before us.
We counted down the days, and I finally arrived in the UK just a week ago. As you imagine, things were perfect when I arrived. We allowed ourselves to feel like partners and let one another look after the other. We appeared to have made real change in the dynamic of our relationship and there was a mutual feeling that we were meant to spend our lives with one another. Although I had left my friends, family, work, and security behind, I felt that it was the right move.
Our relationship had been rocky in the past, however it was built on a solid foundation of mutual trust. I had never been the slightest bit concerned about him being unfaithful, although in the back of my mind I was still concerned that he hadn't thought I should come overseas to be with him initially. We talked openly about these concerns.
The Big Problem
Yesterday afternoon he asked me to message one of his friends on facebook whilst he prepared for school - it was then that I saw he had been private messaging a woman from his workplace in Canada. Instantly, I had a very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, this was also the woman that everyone knew was just waiting for my man to be single again. Yes, one of those. I scrolled up and the truth became apparent immediately...
He had been messaging her, first innocently, and then more intimately. She had sent him pictures of herself before going out - nothing crude, but still odd - and he would compliment her in turn. I thought this was strange. I scrolled on. Later, he had done the same - just a mirror shot of himself in his outfit that day, asking her not to laugh or tag him (he later told me he was just phishing for compliments). I thought this was worse - this was something that he and I did for one another, and I began feeling like something sacred was about to be breached. The conversation spanned from November to February, and each time they talked, they became more flirtatious. She is the sort of woman that speaks openly about her sex life, and slowly became more detailed about her encounters.
At some point in the conversation, he began to lie about me, saying that he wasn't sure I was coming so he was "keeping an eye out". Telling her that some girl "really wanted it" but he "had to wait - lame I know
I'm about to explode". He became more open about his urges. At this point I think he thought it was innocent and was just speaking to a friend who was extremely open about her sex life. However it got under my skin that he was lying about me, was telling her stories about his actual life just to seem like this was the sort of man he was.
These messages were happening on the same nights that he was sending flowers to my room in the Bahamas, we were wracking up phone bills talking and missing one another. After a while, he stopped asking about her day, and just began starting the conversation as, "How's your boyfriend, the sex good?", and when she strayed from the topic, he said, "tell me more about the sex lol. You know I like to hear when I'm not getting any". At this point it was evident that he was getting off on hearing about it, and had no actual interest in her as a friend. Morally, I was disgusted that he was using her this way. He knew that she had feelings for him.
Finally she told him that she dreamt that she and him got married, and that he cried. His reply was that he was "sure he would have
". His explanation was that he didn't know how to respond when she said this and he replied in a way that would keep her talking. However, their conversations stopped shortly after this; two weeks before I flew.
Bear in mind that during this time, we were the closest we had ever been in our relationship. He's not the sort of guy that has a history of this, and would certainly never speak to anyone that way face-to-face. I had noticed during our time apart that he would get carried away texting me as well. We would skype and I would try to wind him up, but it was clear that he was more comfortable saying these things without using his actual voice. They weren't exactly my idea of romance, but I knew he enjoyed it so I played along - long story short, it wasn't like he wasn't getting this from me as well, so why seek it out from another woman altogether?
A few things that I would like to clarify... I feel that my judgement is very clouded on the whole thing, however I do know for certain that he has never touched anyone else in our time together, and would never dream of it. This behavior is extremely out of character, so what shook me the most was that he was capable of saying these things and that it was something he was consciously seeking on the same evenings that we had spoken.
The Conclusion & Plea
If you've made it this far - thank you! I am currently taking a couple of days to decide if I want to fly home. We have talked, argued, begged, and run around in circles since I found these messages. He admitted everything and was ashamed, said that he had no interest in her, and was chasing a thrill that he knew she would provide - he compared it to watching porn. His explanation was that he didn't think it would affect me, knew it was wrong, and knew he had potentially lost his partner and his future for this. He admitted that he gets carried away with texting and that a line was crossed, but he would have never engaged in a conversation where they were talking about she and him.
Am I over-reacting? What disturbs me the most: this was happening at the time I felt most connected to him; that he would act so out of character for a cheap and temporary thrill; that he was seeking it out for several months; and that he lied to her to get her to keep talking. That's why I feel this wasn't an innocent conversation between friends.
If you were in my shoes, overseas, what would you do? Would you tell them that he has used up his one chance and forgive, or would you leave? And how could you trust again?
Long time member of Loving from a Distance; but perhaps lurker is the better word. Fortunately for me, I have had the privilege of spending the majority of the past three years with my significant other. We have parted ways only twice during our relationship - the first for three months due to visa complications, and the second most recently because he returned to the UK for his masters.
The Backstory:
We had been prepared for him to leave for several months before it happened, but ended up post-poning his flight as our relationship had been on rocky ground lately and we were unsure if we wanted to be together anymore. We resolved some large issues before deciding that he would stay the extra month of December (I had become controlling and negative and he had shut me out completely). With this in mind, we both made a real effort to change for one another, and it truly paid off. We had an excellent December and decided that we would continue fighting for one another throughout his masters program of two years.
He left in January. I won't fill you in on the details of the emotions at the airport as I'm sure many of you have had those same moments. We decided that I would come in March, giving me enough time to leave my job, save some money, and put all the finer details of my life on hold. The plan was for me to stay until June while waiting to hear if I was accepted into my own masters program back in Canada. If I wasn't accepted, I would stay in the UK and find work (dual citizenship).
Things got rocky again when he acknowledged our third year anniversary via text and then chose to spend the entire day out with his new friends; he texted me throughout the day telling me that he would be home soon and we could skype. I sat at my computer for the day waiting; only to have him return at 10pm his time, very tired, with nothing to say. He knew that I was angry that he had left no time in his day to celebrate with me. Needless to say, I was aching and felt like he was losing interest in me. I expressed all of this in what I do admit was a very negative way - and I could tell as we talked that he was slipping from me.
Three days went by and nothing happened. Finally on the fourth day, he called me, and told me he didn't think I would be happy if I came overseas to be with him. He feared that I would be bored and dislike the city and that he couldn't give me what I needed. Around 4am his time, after talking for four hours, he told me not to come, yet was adamant that he still loved me and wanted to keep trying (?). I asked him if we could take a day to think about the implications of this decision and he agreed. When we spoke the following day, he told me again not to come. He expressed his long-standing concerns about the nature of our relationship (all of which were valid). As we talked we began to agree that things needed to change for us both to be happy and healthy together, and finally we resolved that it was still best if I came for the three months. Deep down, we loved each other too much to let go, and I knew it was my turn to try to be better for him.
The time between then and my arrival was difficult due to the time change and his heavy schedule and the fact that I was working full-time. But we managed, and it was the happiest we had ever allowed ourselves to be together. We were good to one another, looked after each other, and some how made the time to nurture our partnership. For the first time in two years, I felt like I could truly let go and allow myself to fall in love all over again. Each of us went to great lengths to ensure the other was feeling the love across the ocean - we even called one another during my business trip to the Bahamas and he managed to have flowers sent to my room. We were more connected than we ever had been and I saw our future unfolding before us.
We counted down the days, and I finally arrived in the UK just a week ago. As you imagine, things were perfect when I arrived. We allowed ourselves to feel like partners and let one another look after the other. We appeared to have made real change in the dynamic of our relationship and there was a mutual feeling that we were meant to spend our lives with one another. Although I had left my friends, family, work, and security behind, I felt that it was the right move.
Our relationship had been rocky in the past, however it was built on a solid foundation of mutual trust. I had never been the slightest bit concerned about him being unfaithful, although in the back of my mind I was still concerned that he hadn't thought I should come overseas to be with him initially. We talked openly about these concerns.
The Big Problem
Yesterday afternoon he asked me to message one of his friends on facebook whilst he prepared for school - it was then that I saw he had been private messaging a woman from his workplace in Canada. Instantly, I had a very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, this was also the woman that everyone knew was just waiting for my man to be single again. Yes, one of those. I scrolled up and the truth became apparent immediately...
He had been messaging her, first innocently, and then more intimately. She had sent him pictures of herself before going out - nothing crude, but still odd - and he would compliment her in turn. I thought this was strange. I scrolled on. Later, he had done the same - just a mirror shot of himself in his outfit that day, asking her not to laugh or tag him (he later told me he was just phishing for compliments). I thought this was worse - this was something that he and I did for one another, and I began feeling like something sacred was about to be breached. The conversation spanned from November to February, and each time they talked, they became more flirtatious. She is the sort of woman that speaks openly about her sex life, and slowly became more detailed about her encounters.
At some point in the conversation, he began to lie about me, saying that he wasn't sure I was coming so he was "keeping an eye out". Telling her that some girl "really wanted it" but he "had to wait - lame I know
I'm about to explode". He became more open about his urges. At this point I think he thought it was innocent and was just speaking to a friend who was extremely open about her sex life. However it got under my skin that he was lying about me, was telling her stories about his actual life just to seem like this was the sort of man he was.These messages were happening on the same nights that he was sending flowers to my room in the Bahamas, we were wracking up phone bills talking and missing one another. After a while, he stopped asking about her day, and just began starting the conversation as, "How's your boyfriend, the sex good?", and when she strayed from the topic, he said, "tell me more about the sex lol. You know I like to hear when I'm not getting any". At this point it was evident that he was getting off on hearing about it, and had no actual interest in her as a friend. Morally, I was disgusted that he was using her this way. He knew that she had feelings for him.
Finally she told him that she dreamt that she and him got married, and that he cried. His reply was that he was "sure he would have
". His explanation was that he didn't know how to respond when she said this and he replied in a way that would keep her talking. However, their conversations stopped shortly after this; two weeks before I flew.Bear in mind that during this time, we were the closest we had ever been in our relationship. He's not the sort of guy that has a history of this, and would certainly never speak to anyone that way face-to-face. I had noticed during our time apart that he would get carried away texting me as well. We would skype and I would try to wind him up, but it was clear that he was more comfortable saying these things without using his actual voice. They weren't exactly my idea of romance, but I knew he enjoyed it so I played along - long story short, it wasn't like he wasn't getting this from me as well, so why seek it out from another woman altogether?
A few things that I would like to clarify... I feel that my judgement is very clouded on the whole thing, however I do know for certain that he has never touched anyone else in our time together, and would never dream of it. This behavior is extremely out of character, so what shook me the most was that he was capable of saying these things and that it was something he was consciously seeking on the same evenings that we had spoken.
The Conclusion & Plea
If you've made it this far - thank you! I am currently taking a couple of days to decide if I want to fly home. We have talked, argued, begged, and run around in circles since I found these messages. He admitted everything and was ashamed, said that he had no interest in her, and was chasing a thrill that he knew she would provide - he compared it to watching porn. His explanation was that he didn't think it would affect me, knew it was wrong, and knew he had potentially lost his partner and his future for this. He admitted that he gets carried away with texting and that a line was crossed, but he would have never engaged in a conversation where they were talking about she and him.
Am I over-reacting? What disturbs me the most: this was happening at the time I felt most connected to him; that he would act so out of character for a cheap and temporary thrill; that he was seeking it out for several months; and that he lied to her to get her to keep talking. That's why I feel this wasn't an innocent conversation between friends.
If you were in my shoes, overseas, what would you do? Would you tell them that he has used up his one chance and forgive, or would you leave? And how could you trust again?
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