Accused from cheating!

[Dezface]

She said in her intro thread that she's from Europe and since us British don't tend to say we're from Europe I assume she's from elsewhere and thus maybe English is her second language, so maybe the meaning behind that sentence was just lost in translation. It's hard to tell though, your grammar is great Carol. Oh, and I always thought of Carol as a Western name, so that just adds to the confusion, lol.

Yeah, that did cross my mind. But it seemed to fit with the rest of the post so I took a leap by assuming she meant it how she said it. But if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me OP.

[differentcountries]

I am afraid the fact that he understand his behaviour is hurtful is only giving him incentive to do it more next time the urge hits him. Remember, in the heat of the moment he thinks you are conning him, and so naturally he feels intitled to step outside good relationship rules, too. I think your man has serious problems that should be adressed to a third person. He could be delutional, or just have major trust issues, whatever the cause, being jealous out of the blue is going to make it hard for him to be a good boyfriend to you, even if he wants to.

[Carol]

Hi everyone!

I am sorry if I confused someone with the "he sent me to bed" statement. I don't know how you understood it, but the meaning was that he told me to go to sleep. In his defense, it was almost 3 am my time. The truth is, though, he always needs some time if he has doubts and does not confront me or talk about things immediately.

to OrKing: Well expressed! I am not a native speaker and I adapted my name a bit to English language.

I did not mention that but he appologized for hurting me, too. However, as I said, I am about to talk about it with him a little bit more soon.

[xanzbarr]

While I think you received a lot of good advice for a regular LDR, I agree with Melarie. The way he is treating you is abusive and could advance into even more abuse once you close the difference. I have been in a couple of abusive relationships in my life, when I was much younger, and I also worked in a volunteer capacity with abused women. His accusations sent a red flag to me, and I felt I should comment and tell you to keep your eyes open and be looking for controlling and abuse. I think you should leave him now, but at the very least be looking for behavior which leaves you feeling at fault or just leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I wish I had something to say to offer you hope, but feel you are going to get more of the same.

[differentcountries]

I am sorry if I confused someone with the "he sent me to bed" statement. I don't know how you understood it, but the meaning was that he told me to go to sleep.

The meaning of "sending someone to bed" in English (and also the same in my language) would be that of a parent punishing its child for mischief, by taking away the uppertunity to stay up late.

[Moon]

Carol, my ex was verbally abusive and had jealousy issues, too. I remember one time in particular, we had a really nice day planned, I was excited about it. We were walking along the banks of the Delaware river, in this little quaint town, full of boutique shops and amazing restaurants and bars, when out of the blue he started in on me about my past relationships. There was no precursor to it, we were having a lovely day. It ended up with him going on and on about what a slut I was (I wasn't), and how sluts always cheat, and how I must be having sex with other men, blah, blah, blah. I was stuck on a bench listening to the most vile things for over an hour. To say the day was ruined was an understatement, and I was once again left horribly drained emotionally and feeling like absolute shit about myself. There was no reason for it, and I had done nothing wrong. I had a lot of days like that with him, a lot of wasted, hurtful days.

I'm telling you this because that's what life is like with irrationally jealous, controlling people. I see that happening to you, too. There's not much you can do about it, it's all on him. Irrationally jealous people usually can't overcome it themselves either, they need professional help to do that. My ex had no reason whatsoever to not trust me, I had never cheated on anyone at that point, and never intended to. He always had to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing, and it still wasn't good enough. I really thought seeing my "good behavior" would show him, and he'd change, well it never, ever did.

I don't want to see you end up like that. I vehemently disagree that there is always trust issue and jealousy in an LDR, I've been in my relationship for almost 5 years and we trust each other completely, you can't have a healthy LDR without it. Be very careful, I don't want you to end up like I was. If he shows this behavior again, I'm telling you, for your own safety, self esteem, dignity, and mental health - walk away. If the talks you just had with him don't work, just go, I promise that in the end, it won't be worth it. Good luck.

[Carol]

Moon, I seriously appreciate your feedback, however I would like to say, that my SO is not like that. He has never been rude to me, never said anything offensive to me such as "slut" or anything. He also does not start a fight when I talk to a guy (co-worker, friend on fb...) and let him know about them. On NYE, he even let me be in a presence of my friends and four random guys without being abusive about it afterwards. I mean, he is jealous, and yes, sometimes it seems like it's out of blue for me, but he was trying to explain to me, that he is very attentive to little changes of my schedule that I don't even realize and then may react how he did. The problem is that this reminds him of the past betrayal and I told him he has to stop comparing my actions to his ex's behavior. I understand that from this post, it may seem like he is abusive, but I have seen him in many situations and wouldn't judge him like that from what happened.

to all: I know you are trying to warn me, and I appreciate it. But there is just more in this story than the one post (which does not mean I say it was completely ok what he did)

[MissButterfly]

On NYE, he even let me be in a presence of my friends and four random guys without being abusive about it afterwards.

This is the problem, he shouldn't 'let you' be or do things in the first place, you state this like you are so glad he was not abusive afterwards and that it's special. It shouldn't even be an issue worth mentionning. You go out, there are random people, end of story. You shouldn't even have to think about if it may or may not cause him to be abusive afterwards. You are trying to defend him, for things he clearly should not do, and that is also a problem. I know you don't want to leave him but you seriously need to step outside of your shoes and try to look at what you write from an outsider's perspective. I hope that will make you realize that this is really not ok...

[sarahjane1992]

This is the problem, he shouldn't 'let you' be or do things in the first place, you state this like you are so glad he was not abusive afterwards and that it's special. It shouldn't even be an issue worth mentionning. You go out, there are random people, end of story. You shouldn't even have to think about if it may or may not cause him to be abusive afterwards. You are trying to defend him, for things he clearly should not do, and that is also a problem. I know you don't want to leave him but you seriously need to step outside of your shoes and try to look at what you write from an outsider's perspective. I hope that will make you realize that this is really not ok...

Really good point! My SO doesn't "let me" do anything. He's my boyfriend, not my parent. I also agree that the OP is making excuses and trying to defend him. I love my SO dearly, but if he tried to control where I went or what I did, I'd have a serious look at the relationship.

[Carol]

I am sorry, I did not mean it like that he chooses places I can go to. He never says "don't go there" or "don't do that" and vice versa. He does not try to control where I go, he just wants to know who is gonna be there and where I will go, which I think a lot of members share with their SO. He does not act like he did last night every time I go somewhere, he is just very sensitive to changes in my schedule/behavior, because then he may get a feeling I am hiding something/someone. And to accuse me like he did is not ok, I am aware of that, I am just trying to say, that there are not only negative moments in our relationship.

[differentcountries]

Carol, you seem proud of what to the rest of us is just normal behaviour, like being able to talk to your friends and co-workers and saying hi to friendly people at at party. You mention the small changes in your work scedule setting him off, and it is exactly the kind of "attentive" preoccupation with all the details in your life that IS mental control. Unless he realizes this, you are going to have a hard time with this man, even if he never even raises his voice when speaking to you.

[Hollandia]

Was going to stay out of this thread again, but WHOAH and hold the farm. That is just wrong. Keep making excuses for him and you will end up with verbal abuse and possible real bruises. He thinks of you as property sister, and that is just a huge red flag for it. He is smart enough to know for now he has to give you a long leash but have know doubt you are on a leash. Just because you have the prettiest dog house in on the block does not mean the chains will be any less real. I would hate to see what happens if you do some of that stuff without his permission a few too many times.

No man LETS me do anything. We have a mutual respect for each other for what we both expect in our relationship. Your SO has shown sign of not only being controlling and manipulative but seeing things when they are not there. This is how women end up dead. Run.

[Photonut]

I am sorry, I did not mean it like that he chooses places I can go to. He never says "don't go there" or "don't do that" and vice versa. He does not try to control where I go, he just wants to know who is gonna be there and where I will go, which I think a lot of members share with their SO. He does not act like he did last night every time I go somewhere, he is just very sensitive to changes in my schedule/behavior, because then he may get a feeling I am hiding something/someone. And to accuse me like he did is not ok, I am aware of that, I am just trying to say, that there are not only negative moments in our relationship.

The thing is though, abusive relationships don't hold just "negative moments". You can have months of happy moments then he can go off on you with a snap of a finger. Abusive relationships are not simple, they are complex. Many women stay in these relationships because "The good outweighs the bad" so they just take the abuse. I have a friend in a similar situation and those are the exact words she used. I know its painful, I know it hurts and you want to save that person..to help them but 100% of the time they don't change because you want them to. He has to make the changes himself, within himself.

[Moon]

Moon, I seriously appreciate your feedback, however I would like to say, that my SO is not like that. He has never been rude to me, never said anything offensive to me such as "slut" or anything. He also does not start a fight when I talk to a guy (co-worker, friend on fb...) and let him know about them. On NYE, he even let me be in a presence of my friends and four random guys without being abusive about it afterwards. I mean, he is jealous, and yes, sometimes it seems like it's out of blue for me, but he was trying to explain to me, that he is very attentive to little changes of my schedule that I don't even realize and then may react how he did. The problem is that this reminds him of the past betrayal and I told him he has to stop comparing my actions to his ex's behavior. I understand that from this post, it may seem like he is abusive, but I have seen him in many situations and wouldn't judge him like that from what happened.

to all: I know you are trying to warn me, and I appreciate it. But there is just more in this story than the one post (which does not mean I say it was completely ok what he did)

Yeah, mine didn't either...at first. You haven't even been together a year, this behavior only gets worse over time. I can see though that you're the kind of person who needs to see it for yourself before you believe it, so good luck, remember what was said here, and leave before it gets really bad.

[Hollandia]

Yeah, mine didn't either...at first. You haven't even been together a year, this behavior only gets worse over time. I can see though that you're the kind of person who needs to see it for yourself before you believe it, so good luck, remember what was said here, and leave before it gets really bad.

OP...You think him not calling you a slut is a big thing? No, that is expected.

I agree. First real bad time was was when he accidently pushed me down the stairs and the cops came. My daughter was sleeping in her princess bed and so the next day I forgave him. I could have saved her and me years of tears if I had left him then. Make a promise to yourself, make lines in the sand and regardless of rings or kids, if he steps over that line, then get out.

I stayed way too long and by the time I was ready to go, it took a few nights of bruises and cuts to get there. Look you see the signs but Moon is right, I did not want to listen to my friends either. This is why so many women get beaten to death by their loving husbands because they "made them mad" and because "he really didn't mean it" or "he is really stresed right now". I have heard it all.

Ask any cop, they hear it everyday from women defending their abusers. You don't want to hear it so Good Luck and I wish you well.